Re: Tell Nada you don't like her & live in elderly home

[Guest guest]

The only times I've been that honest with my mother have been when she has

pushed me to the edge. I am normally a pretty quiet person; at those times when

I've been " honest, " I am screaming. Screaming seems to be the only times that

she and I communicate, which is sad.

So I have said to her " you are a martyr and you just want everyone else to pay

attention ONLY to you and to take care of you and make all decisions for you and

wipe your butt for you!!! "

what happened to her was that she got offended and went to my brother to

complain about me. USUALLY, when we would have these kind of arguments, I would

go back to her and ask her " mom, can't we be friends? " and let our relationship

go back to " normal. "

The last time we had a big fight like that, I decided it was time for change. I

limited how often we talked. I kept our conversations short. I didn't respond

to her drama and manipulation like I usually did. She didn't like it, but I had

to do it for my own sanity.

I felt SO guilty, afraid, anxious, mean, like a bad girl after I would do that

to her. But seeing my therapist helped. Being on this board gave me courage.

It's easier now. Believe me, I go back and forth with feeling guilty, but I'm

keeping on.

Hugs !!

> Have you ever tell your nada you don't like her?

> How was after that?( what happened to nada?)

> How did you feel after tell her?

>

[Guest guest]

The only times I've been that honest with my mother have been when she has

pushed me to the edge. I am normally a pretty quiet person; at those times when

I've been " honest, " I am screaming. Screaming seems to be the only times that

she and I communicate, which is sad.

So I have said to her " you are a martyr and you just want everyone else to pay

attention ONLY to you and to take care of you and make all decisions for you and

wipe your butt for you!!! "

what happened to her was that she got offended and went to my brother to

complain about me. USUALLY, when we would have these kind of arguments, I would

go back to her and ask her " mom, can't we be friends? " and let our relationship

go back to " normal. "

The last time we had a big fight like that, I decided it was time for change. I

limited how often we talked. I kept our conversations short. I didn't respond

to her drama and manipulation like I usually did. She didn't like it, but I had

to do it for my own sanity.

I felt SO guilty, afraid, anxious, mean, like a bad girl after I would do that

to her. But seeing my therapist helped. Being on this board gave me courage.

It's easier now. Believe me, I go back and forth with feeling guilty, but I'm

keeping on.

Hugs !!

> Have you ever tell your nada you don't like her?

> How was after that?( what happened to nada?)

> How did you feel after tell her?

>

[Guest guest]

The only times I've been that honest with my mother have been when she has

pushed me to the edge. I am normally a pretty quiet person; at those times when

I've been " honest, " I am screaming. Screaming seems to be the only times that

she and I communicate, which is sad.

So I have said to her " you are a martyr and you just want everyone else to pay

attention ONLY to you and to take care of you and make all decisions for you and

wipe your butt for you!!! "

what happened to her was that she got offended and went to my brother to

complain about me. USUALLY, when we would have these kind of arguments, I would

go back to her and ask her " mom, can't we be friends? " and let our relationship

go back to " normal. "

The last time we had a big fight like that, I decided it was time for change. I

limited how often we talked. I kept our conversations short. I didn't respond

to her drama and manipulation like I usually did. She didn't like it, but I had

to do it for my own sanity.

I felt SO guilty, afraid, anxious, mean, like a bad girl after I would do that

to her. But seeing my therapist helped. Being on this board gave me courage.

It's easier now. Believe me, I go back and forth with feeling guilty, but I'm

keeping on.

Hugs !!

> Have you ever tell your nada you don't like her?

> How was after that?( what happened to nada?)

> How did you feel after tell her?

>

[Guest guest]

I m responding here to both Fiona and .

For many years, it would only be when provoked and in anger. Usually a

screaming match, after which she became the victim and all self

righteous.

Once I began to learn more, and I got the you dont love me routine, it

went like this.

Mom, I do love you. I love you in the sense that, despite the way you

act, despite things you have done to me in the past, I choose to

continue to be concerned about you, and I continue to be in your life

when others won t because of how you act or treat them. When you act

badly I don t like you. But my love for you is a choice, my caring for

you is a choice, and I do not have to prove it to you over and over.

That does not mean I ll let you get away with the things that are part

of my boundaries. But as long as I can, I ll continue to have some

contact and be concerned for your welfare.

Fiona, ( lol, every time I type your name I think of Fiona on the show

Burn Notice, and want to call you Fi. )

I played that same game for many years. It is a no win game, always. I

set boundaries that said, I do not want to have those fights. I hate the

way my guts feel for days after them. I hate that you start it, then

blame me for it and play the victim.

So , I won t play. If you start into an area that I know will lead to

a fight, I ll remind you, once, that we agreed not to talk about that.

If you continue, the conversation is over, and I ll leave. For a day or

so after, I ll have no contact. Then when I call again, we can pick up

and be cordial, or you can start again. But each time do, you prolong

the time I m not there.

I will NOT let you manipulate me into a screaming idiot. Never again.

As you said, after each emotionally charged argument,

I felt SO guilty, afraid, anxious, mean, like a bad girl after I would

do that to her.

The truth is, neither you, nor I , did THAT to her. They will start.

If you are not agreeing with them, they will push your buttons, and keep

pushing them till you explode, and then shift to the victim. It is a

classic BP manipulation. Note what is in your phrase, I felt GUILT,

FEAR, bad that I did that to her, which translates to, OBLIGATION to be

a good girl now and let her shit on me.

The name of the game is FOG. They don t want to let us NOT express

love to them, they wont let us express love to them as we wish to, the

need to FOG us into doing it on their terms.

I refused to play. I do care, I do love, take it as it is, or not at

all.

Doug

> > Have you ever tell your nada you don't like her?

> > How was after that?( what happened to nada?)

> > How did you feel after tell her?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I m responding here to both Fiona and .

For many years, it would only be when provoked and in anger. Usually a

screaming match, after which she became the victim and all self

righteous.

Once I began to learn more, and I got the you dont love me routine, it

went like this.

Mom, I do love you. I love you in the sense that, despite the way you

act, despite things you have done to me in the past, I choose to

continue to be concerned about you, and I continue to be in your life

when others won t because of how you act or treat them. When you act

badly I don t like you. But my love for you is a choice, my caring for

you is a choice, and I do not have to prove it to you over and over.

That does not mean I ll let you get away with the things that are part

of my boundaries. But as long as I can, I ll continue to have some

contact and be concerned for your welfare.

Fiona, ( lol, every time I type your name I think of Fiona on the show

Burn Notice, and want to call you Fi. )

I played that same game for many years. It is a no win game, always. I

set boundaries that said, I do not want to have those fights. I hate the

way my guts feel for days after them. I hate that you start it, then

blame me for it and play the victim.

So , I won t play. If you start into an area that I know will lead to

a fight, I ll remind you, once, that we agreed not to talk about that.

If you continue, the conversation is over, and I ll leave. For a day or

so after, I ll have no contact. Then when I call again, we can pick up

and be cordial, or you can start again. But each time do, you prolong

the time I m not there.

I will NOT let you manipulate me into a screaming idiot. Never again.

As you said, after each emotionally charged argument,

I felt SO guilty, afraid, anxious, mean, like a bad girl after I would

do that to her.

The truth is, neither you, nor I , did THAT to her. They will start.

If you are not agreeing with them, they will push your buttons, and keep

pushing them till you explode, and then shift to the victim. It is a

classic BP manipulation. Note what is in your phrase, I felt GUILT,

FEAR, bad that I did that to her, which translates to, OBLIGATION to be

a good girl now and let her shit on me.

The name of the game is FOG. They don t want to let us NOT express

love to them, they wont let us express love to them as we wish to, the

need to FOG us into doing it on their terms.

I refused to play. I do care, I do love, take it as it is, or not at

all.

Doug

> > Have you ever tell your nada you don't like her?

> > How was after that?( what happened to nada?)

> > How did you feel after tell her?

> >

>