Re: thanks everyone--UPDATE (WARNING: un-PC vent!)

[Guest guest]

My4fireflies,you're not out of line at all! I think your outrage is completely

justified.Your son's father dies and all you can say is 'oh well,it is what it

is'?! then wait three days to get around to checking in or apologizing then have

the nerve to expect your son to comfort *you*?????

Wow,no,that's not right.

Your DH is fortunate to have such an understanding spouse.And one who feels

angry and wounded for him.I think your reaction here is completely normal.When

my fada died *nobody* in the immediate FOO comforted me at all.My situation was

a bit different because I was also being vilified and condemned by them but I

don't think I would have gotten through that even semi-intact if it hadn't been

for my then girlfriend.She didn't entirely understand what was going on and why

so I had the additional pain and frustration at times of having to try to

explain this insanity that has to be lived and experienced to be understood,so

your DH is fortunate to have you as somebody who does get it.I got the

impression from your post that you're not sure if you're going overboard here?

But I honestly don't think you are.At any rate your DH's mother has definitely

gone *underboard* so far about the whole thing.

I went through alot of changes after fada died because his death finally

woke me up to just how bad the FOO really was for me.Not that I didn't already

know that,but I realized it even more on a profounder emotional level.Having the

love and support of a partner,even one who didn't fully get it,made a world of

difference--but this wasn't always apparent to her because I was having to

process so much/come to terms with the unbearable.So even though you do get

it,your DH might not be able to really take that in all at once since he has his

own stuff to work out.But as he goes through the grieving process your

understanding and support are really going to help.He's going to need plenty of

time to let it all settle.Over time this experience may help him to get even

more in touch with his needs and feelings but it's probably going to take a

while.All I can say is (and I hope this isn't too much) be gentle and patient

with him.I had well meaning people in my life (other friends and my ex

girlfriend) who were outraged that my fada had completely disinherited me to

punish me one last time before he died and who wanted me to contest the

will.When I just had SO MUCH pain and junk and trauma to process,I wasn't up for

that at all even though by doing nothing I allowed that one last victimization

of me to stand unchallenged.I appreciated their outrage on my behalf very much

but what I needed most of all was gentleness and patience from others for the

state I was in.It wasn't the time,for me,*to do* something or to take a

stand,but to take it all in,let it all sink in.That was hard enough as it was.

You're not out of line! Your DH is lucky to have you!

>

> Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I have a whiny tantrumy

confession to make-I am SOOOO pissed at his mom right now I could scream! His

mom is a sweet woman, but I am LIVID about how she has treated dh for the last 3

days. Dh called to tell her that his dad (her ex bf) died. They haven't been

together for 25 years and the last time they saw each other was over 10 years

ago. They were only together for about 7 or 8 years in the late 70s-early 80s.

When dh called and told her, she already knew. Someone else had called. She just

said to dh " oh well. What can you do? It is what it is. " Dh was crying and tried

to talk to her but she cut him off immediately and said " I gotta go. " Dh was

crying. His father just died and he went to his mom for comfort and she didn't

want to deal with it. He had no one else to talk to in his family. This was on

Wednesday morning. She didn't call again until this afternoon.

>

> She called to apologize. She said that she was grieving and couldn't talk to

him. I went ballistic when he told me she said this. I mean what the hell????

She can't put her feelings aside to tend to her son for one freaking minute?!?!

I mean my dh has NEVER EVER EVER come first in this family. ever. I know his

mom loves him. She's a terrific mother-in-law and a fabulous grandma. I love her

tons, but I am so godd@mn pissed off that my poor husband has NEVER recieved

comfort from his dad OR his mom his whole life. They are always busy tending to

their own agendas and needs and wants and feelings. My dh has a super hard time

expressing himself and THIS IS WHY!!!!! NO ONE LISTENS!!!!!!!! NO ONE GIVES A

CRAP ABOUT HIS FEELINGS!!!!! I just cannot fathom how the hell she could tend to

her own needs first-FOR DAYS. I totally understand that she is grieving too. I'm

not saying she shouldn't but she kept justifying her actions by saying to him

" You don't understand! Both the fathers of my children are dead! " Uh. Okay. Her

1st husband died 35 years ago. But your son *just* lost HIS FATHER. I just don't

get how she can compare her pain to his and " win " the grieving contest.

Basically dh started comforting HER on the phone this afternoon. OMG. My blood

pressure is rising just thinking about it!!!!

>

> Ugh. I know this is a completely un-PC post. I apologize if I am out of line.

Perhaps this has triggered me so badly because it is a very TYPICAL nada

behavior and I have always been so thankful that his mom isn't at all like my

nada. I just feel terrible that he couldn't be supported by his one remaining

parent and that she had to take THREE DAYS to get it together. His feelings are

SOOOO hurt. He has ALWAYS put aside his needs and feelings for his parents and

mentally ill brother. It took him the last 15 years to get over it! In the last

6 months or so he has JUST started thinking straight and is trying to recognize

his own feelings and needs. I am so fed up with selfish, self centered, immature

people. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!.

>

> Please put me in my place if I am wrong.

>

> thank you for letting me get that off my chest.