thanks everyone--UPDATE (WARNING: un-PC vent!)

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I have a whiny tantrumy

confession to make-I am SOOOO pissed at his mom right now I could scream! His

mom is a sweet woman, but I am LIVID about how she has treated dh for the last 3

days. Dh called to tell her that his dad (her ex bf) died. They haven't been

together for 25 years and the last time they saw each other was over 10 years

ago. They were only together for about 7 or 8 years in the late 70s-early 80s.

When dh called and told her, she already knew. Someone else had called. She just

said to dh " oh well. What can you do? It is what it is. " Dh was crying and tried

to talk to her but she cut him off immediately and said " I gotta go. " Dh was

crying. His father just died and he went to his mom for comfort and she didn't

want to deal with it. He had no one else to talk to in his family. This was on

Wednesday morning. She didn't call again until this afternoon.

She called to apologize. She said that she was grieving and couldn't talk to

him. I went ballistic when he told me she said this. I mean what the hell????

She can't put her feelings aside to tend to her son for one freaking minute?!?!

I mean my dh has NEVER EVER EVER come first in this family. ever. I know his

mom loves him. She's a terrific mother-in-law and a fabulous grandma. I love her

tons, but I am so godd@mn pissed off that my poor husband has NEVER recieved

comfort from his dad OR his mom his whole life. They are always busy tending to

their own agendas and needs and wants and feelings. My dh has a super hard time

expressing himself and THIS IS WHY!!!!! NO ONE LISTENS!!!!!!!! NO ONE GIVES A

CRAP ABOUT HIS FEELINGS!!!!! I just cannot fathom how the hell she could tend to

her own needs first-FOR DAYS. I totally understand that she is grieving too. I'm

not saying she shouldn't but she kept justifying her actions by saying to him

" You don't understand! Both the fathers of my children are dead! " Uh. Okay. Her

1st husband died 35 years ago. But your son *just* lost HIS FATHER. I just don't

get how she can compare her pain to his and " win " the grieving contest.

Basically dh started comforting HER on the phone this afternoon. OMG. My blood

pressure is rising just thinking about it!!!!

Ugh. I know this is a completely un-PC post. I apologize if I am out of line.

Perhaps this has triggered me so badly because it is a very TYPICAL nada

behavior and I have always been so thankful that his mom isn't at all like my

nada. I just feel terrible that he couldn't be supported by his one remaining

parent and that she had to take THREE DAYS to get it together. His feelings are

SOOOO hurt. He has ALWAYS put aside his needs and feelings for his parents and

mentally ill brother. It took him the last 15 years to get over it! In the last

6 months or so he has JUST started thinking straight and is trying to recognize

his own feelings and needs. I am so fed up with selfish, self centered, immature

people. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!.

Please put me in my place if I am wrong.

thank you for letting me get that off my chest.

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> > My husband's father died unexpectedly last night. He was only 60. His

> > father was an incredibly neglectful dad. He was an alcoholic and drug

> > addict. Most likely narcissistic. When my husband called to tell him our

> > daughter was born his father said " cool. Can you call me later cuz the

> > game's on. " Stuff like that. Once when we were dating his dad had been

> > drinking and sat with us and told us never to have kids because they ruin

> > your life. I was appalled but dh just took it in stride. Dh wasn't even

> > allowed to call him dad, he called him by his 1st name cuz he considered

> > himself too cool to be a dad.

> > My husband never went NC with his dad or confronted him on anything. His

> > dad went LC with my dh because it was too inconvenient to make more than 1

> > phonecall every 2 years. Dh reached out over and over. His dad cut him to

> > the core over and over by ignoring the 100s of attempts at a relationship.

> > I feel like his situation is similar to those of us with nadas. So does

> > anyone have any advice to help him thru this mourning process? Right now

> > he's mourning the loss of what might have been.

> >

> >

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