Nada and touching

[Guest guest]

I'm thinking a lot lately about how do I HATE to be touched by nada. I feel

total disgust or sickness and I become numb and dizzy and I move away as fast

as I can. Because it would be no use to politely ask her no to start " climbing "

on me.Last time (when I was visiting her in the hospital after her " suicide "

attempts) she literally tried to grab me over and over again but I didn't let

her. I gave her a hand before I leave. She took my hand in one of her hand and

with other she started to caress my hand (very stranegly) and she said " Just a

little energy, give me just a little bit of energy. " She literally looked like

" vampire " who needed some " blood " or a junkie without his dope...it was scary.

I can understand that it is hard for her ( she has no her usual excapes - she

has to face with situation) It is hard to see person in such agony but I know

if I give her even a little bit of what she demanded from me it will only be

worst. She would " learn " that if she treats with suicide she could get me where

she wants me and she would repeatd that endlessly . The circle would go on and

on (again). I don't know about her but I have enough. She is not happy like that

and I'm sure are not happy with what is happening. Is she would not decide to

heal at least a bit, so she can function and lessen a miserable life she is

living - it is on her. I choose my health and happiness. Tomorrow I'm going to

visit her again - I'll se what would happen.

I would not allow to touch me ( except shaking our hands) I'll politely tell her

that I don't want to be touched ( without other explanation) and than I'll move

away any time she would run after me and I'll remaine her pollitely ( I hope:-)

that I don't want to be touched and I'll stick with that. I need to make that

boundary. Being attacked from her fake kindnes just to touch me it is too much

for me. She almost sure we'll do some show in front of the other patients,

because she knows I hate her touching me and she knows my reaction - so she

cold say to others ( after I would left) see , what insensitive, ungrateful and

weird daughter I have - I poor tender old lady.

I don't remember (ever) that my nada touch me when I was little. Except when

she beaten me when I was small. But she told me once (with complete

indifference) that she wasn't supposed to beat us later / father or grandfather

forbade her I don't know who) , because once she had done it (just a little bit

of course and we deserved it) and than sister and me ran to our grandfather

screaming " she would kill us , she would kill us! " I don't remeber that moments

I was probaby few years old but she told me that after that my father took over

the panisment. Who was cold, univolved in " family buissnes " and qoute

narcissistic and sadistic.. Wenever he had come home she would told him how bad

I was and he had to punisch me. So she still had weapon in her hands and she

use it a lot. I thing sometimes she even lied to him. Like kind of revenge but I

don't remember because of what. Probably it was too veird.

So like a child I never learned what touching is ( healthy , worm, nice one) I

didn't experience touchin not normal one not be embrassed with love and

compation . Maybe I learn in my childhood that touch is something aggressive,

uncomfortable or not important at all. First " real " touching experience I had

when boys and love came. I still has some confusions about that item.

So I have to re-learn my perception of touching. Not for my nada - for me and

my closed ones.

Nice evening!!