What You Helped Me Do Today

[Guest guest]

My sister and I had a wonderful visit today with two young ladies who are going

through a really difficult time.

We're distantly related; their parents always reached out to us as children and

invited us to stay with them in the summers. We cherished that time and both

saw their family as a model of stability and functionality.

Last summer, we heard from their mother that she and her husband would be

getting a divorce. It was certainly shocking to hear, especially considering I

had used my limited observations of their marriage and family life as a model

for creating my own. Hearing her describe the hell he had put her through over

the past year, the vicious emotional abuse he spewed at her and their children

was both surprising and infuriating. I listened and validated, offered my

support to her and her children, and she asked me if I had ever heard of

Borderline PD.

I asked her what she wanted to know, because I had a library on the subject

upstairs (lol!), and was able to share with her that my mother has it. Until

that point, I had not shared with any of my mother's relatives what is going on,

because there is really not much contact between them anyway, and they seem to

like her, and...well, you know how it goes with extended family. She returned

the validation, and it was really good to share. She said she suspected her

husband had it, though she wasn't sure how it could suddenly show up in

middle-age...and neither was I, so I suggested the possibility of Bipolar. And

silently, I wondered how many symptoms he may have had that she did not consider

that big of a deal up until that year.

So, her oldest 2 daughters are in town, and my sister and I got to meet with

them today. Their mom had asked us if we could talk with them about our

experience with a borderline parent. We shared, they shared, we gave them the

opportunity to ask us questions. I was so impressed by their fortitude and

strength at such a young age, and so thankful that their mother is able to

validate them and give them the freedom to be individuals (even if she is still

struggling with codependency herself). It always relieves some of the pain I

went through when I am able to help someone else navigate through it. It broke

my heart to hear them tell me the things their father did or said to them, but

to know that they already have an understanding of how to detach and set

boundaries with their father was so impressive. They are only teenagers, for

crying out loud!

I still suspect NPD is lurking in his behavior somewhere, but after hearing

their stories, I know it is BPD as well. I took them to the bookstore and

picked out some of the most helpful books on both subjects and let them thumb

through them; they chose the one that turns out was most helpful for me,

Surviving a Borderline Parent. I bought it for them and told them to use it and

then share it with their siblings when they were old enough and ready for it.

I am still on a bit of a high today just from being able to love on these girls,

to see how strong they are despite how weak and confused they have been made to

feel...just to be able to provide the support that KOs so desperately need. I

would like to thank everyone who posts on this board for broadening my view of

the experiences a KO might have in dealing with his parents. Because of you, I

was able to tell my young relative that a lot of parents with BPD have locked

their children outside in the freezing cold as punishment, even though this was

never part of my own personal experience. You were all there with me as my

sister and I shared and supported them.

Thank you for reaching out and speaking up.

KT