Re: they say she's dying

[Guest guest]

I can imagine how unbelievably difficult this is and the swirling cacophony of

emotion you are struggling with right now. It's difficult as hell to watch a

loved one slowly deteriorate themselves and then a real disease kicks in and

does the rest of the job. It is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

I've been through this with my dad and his alcoholism. It hurt like hell to

watch him slowly kill himself and when it finally happened and his life was

draining out from him daily, it hurt. With him went the dream of the father I

wanted. I had to mourn him. I had to understand the tragedy of the disease he

suffered and know that nothing bad that ever happened was wholly his fault. All

I could do was just try to be there as best I could.

All you can do for you know is do what you need to do, be gentle with yourself,

make sure you get some grief counseling (it's different than the other stuff we

get to deal with their disorders and it's affect on our lives). It's hard to

let go and say good bye. It's hard to even imagine being a participant. It's

hard to describe a scenario that feels so unreal...you are connected and

disconnected interchangeably and the pure sadness that comes with that.

My heart goes out to you. I will keep you both in my prayers and send good

thoughts and strength so you can deal with this chapter closing. It won't help

much to know this now, but I'll say it anyway becomes when someone said it to

me, it helped strangely...the pain is difficult but you can bear it, as the

months pass, it will become easier to deal with, less heavy and even as the

years pass, understanding and forgiveness will come and you will again feel

light.

My dad's been gone now 17 years. It was so painful to watch him go through the

process of leaving this place but I remember a prayer I prayed in earnest one

night: God, if you can't make him well, please take him home so his suffering

is not prolonged. That prayer was answered 3 hours later when dad's suffering

ended and he was free.

In a way, maybe mom's suffering is going to end soon. Maybe looking at it that

way might help you cope. I hope so.

Hang in there.

Blessings and love!

Jaie

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> At least a year ago, I first noticed signs of dementia in her -- repeated

questions, memory loss, etc. -- but last month everything seemed to start

collapsing rapidly. She was nodding off in the middle of sentences, forgetting

where rooms of her house were, and hallucinating ever more wildly, to the point

where we took her to the ER. Over the next two days, she was diagnosed with

severe malnutrition and dehydration (because she has been anorexic since 1964,

although no one seems to believe me about this), dementia, major infections, and

bone cancer.

>

> Doctors and social workers kept coming to me to discuss this. I wept. I was

stunned. It was so many layers of feelings at once. BPD Mom has been suicidal

for years, telling me in every conversation that she wanted to get a gun and

shoot herself, or burn down the house with herself inside it. Her suicidal

ravings have nearly drowned me. She has also been physically very disabled for

years. Combined with her BPD, which of course she never knew she had, and of

course which went untreated, she has been in unbelievable physical and mental

pain for most of her life. I have had so many issues with her, but it was only

last summer when I actually realized that she was mentally ill (BPD) and that it

was she not I who was crazy, and that she had wrecked much of my life without

ever meaning to.

>

> And now this.

>

> She has remained totally out of her mind since January 3, except for one

moment during which she said to me, " I'm going to die, aren't I? How long do I

have? "

>

> I sat beside her in the hospital and then at home day after day, during which

she had no idea who I was or even that I was there, but talked continuously to

invisible people -- endless conversations, even laughter (and I haven't seen her

laugh since around 1974), on and on and on. Once in a while she would notice

" me, " then begin yelling at me to " get off your f***ing ass and take me out of

here so I can get on the ship " (nonsense, she had no idea where she was, there

was no ship, etc.).

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

I can imagine how unbelievably difficult this is and the swirling cacophony of

emotion you are struggling with right now. It's difficult as hell to watch a

loved one slowly deteriorate themselves and then a real disease kicks in and

does the rest of the job. It is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

I've been through this with my dad and his alcoholism. It hurt like hell to

watch him slowly kill himself and when it finally happened and his life was

draining out from him daily, it hurt. With him went the dream of the father I

wanted. I had to mourn him. I had to understand the tragedy of the disease he

suffered and know that nothing bad that ever happened was wholly his fault. All

I could do was just try to be there as best I could.

All you can do for you know is do what you need to do, be gentle with yourself,

make sure you get some grief counseling (it's different than the other stuff we

get to deal with their disorders and it's affect on our lives). It's hard to

let go and say good bye. It's hard to even imagine being a participant. It's

hard to describe a scenario that feels so unreal...you are connected and

disconnected interchangeably and the pure sadness that comes with that.

My heart goes out to you. I will keep you both in my prayers and send good

thoughts and strength so you can deal with this chapter closing. It won't help

much to know this now, but I'll say it anyway becomes when someone said it to

me, it helped strangely...the pain is difficult but you can bear it, as the

months pass, it will become easier to deal with, less heavy and even as the

years pass, understanding and forgiveness will come and you will again feel

light.

My dad's been gone now 17 years. It was so painful to watch him go through the

process of leaving this place but I remember a prayer I prayed in earnest one

night: God, if you can't make him well, please take him home so his suffering

is not prolonged. That prayer was answered 3 hours later when dad's suffering

ended and he was free.

In a way, maybe mom's suffering is going to end soon. Maybe looking at it that

way might help you cope. I hope so.

Hang in there.

Blessings and love!

Jaie

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> At least a year ago, I first noticed signs of dementia in her -- repeated

questions, memory loss, etc. -- but last month everything seemed to start

collapsing rapidly. She was nodding off in the middle of sentences, forgetting

where rooms of her house were, and hallucinating ever more wildly, to the point

where we took her to the ER. Over the next two days, she was diagnosed with

severe malnutrition and dehydration (because she has been anorexic since 1964,

although no one seems to believe me about this), dementia, major infections, and

bone cancer.

>

> Doctors and social workers kept coming to me to discuss this. I wept. I was

stunned. It was so many layers of feelings at once. BPD Mom has been suicidal

for years, telling me in every conversation that she wanted to get a gun and

shoot herself, or burn down the house with herself inside it. Her suicidal

ravings have nearly drowned me. She has also been physically very disabled for

years. Combined with her BPD, which of course she never knew she had, and of

course which went untreated, she has been in unbelievable physical and mental

pain for most of her life. I have had so many issues with her, but it was only

last summer when I actually realized that she was mentally ill (BPD) and that it

was she not I who was crazy, and that she had wrecked much of my life without

ever meaning to.

>

> And now this.

>

> She has remained totally out of her mind since January 3, except for one

moment during which she said to me, " I'm going to die, aren't I? How long do I

have? "

>

> I sat beside her in the hospital and then at home day after day, during which

she had no idea who I was or even that I was there, but talked continuously to

invisible people -- endless conversations, even laughter (and I haven't seen her

laugh since around 1974), on and on and on. Once in a while she would notice

" me, " then begin yelling at me to " get off your f***ing ass and take me out of

here so I can get on the ship " (nonsense, she had no idea where she was, there

was no ship, etc.).

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

I can imagine how unbelievably difficult this is and the swirling cacophony of

emotion you are struggling with right now. It's difficult as hell to watch a

loved one slowly deteriorate themselves and then a real disease kicks in and

does the rest of the job. It is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

I've been through this with my dad and his alcoholism. It hurt like hell to

watch him slowly kill himself and when it finally happened and his life was

draining out from him daily, it hurt. With him went the dream of the father I

wanted. I had to mourn him. I had to understand the tragedy of the disease he

suffered and know that nothing bad that ever happened was wholly his fault. All

I could do was just try to be there as best I could.

All you can do for you know is do what you need to do, be gentle with yourself,

make sure you get some grief counseling (it's different than the other stuff we

get to deal with their disorders and it's affect on our lives). It's hard to

let go and say good bye. It's hard to even imagine being a participant. It's

hard to describe a scenario that feels so unreal...you are connected and

disconnected interchangeably and the pure sadness that comes with that.

My heart goes out to you. I will keep you both in my prayers and send good

thoughts and strength so you can deal with this chapter closing. It won't help

much to know this now, but I'll say it anyway becomes when someone said it to

me, it helped strangely...the pain is difficult but you can bear it, as the

months pass, it will become easier to deal with, less heavy and even as the

years pass, understanding and forgiveness will come and you will again feel

light.

My dad's been gone now 17 years. It was so painful to watch him go through the

process of leaving this place but I remember a prayer I prayed in earnest one

night: God, if you can't make him well, please take him home so his suffering

is not prolonged. That prayer was answered 3 hours later when dad's suffering

ended and he was free.

In a way, maybe mom's suffering is going to end soon. Maybe looking at it that

way might help you cope. I hope so.

Hang in there.

Blessings and love!

Jaie

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> At least a year ago, I first noticed signs of dementia in her -- repeated

questions, memory loss, etc. -- but last month everything seemed to start

collapsing rapidly. She was nodding off in the middle of sentences, forgetting

where rooms of her house were, and hallucinating ever more wildly, to the point

where we took her to the ER. Over the next two days, she was diagnosed with

severe malnutrition and dehydration (because she has been anorexic since 1964,

although no one seems to believe me about this), dementia, major infections, and

bone cancer.

>

> Doctors and social workers kept coming to me to discuss this. I wept. I was

stunned. It was so many layers of feelings at once. BPD Mom has been suicidal

for years, telling me in every conversation that she wanted to get a gun and

shoot herself, or burn down the house with herself inside it. Her suicidal

ravings have nearly drowned me. She has also been physically very disabled for

years. Combined with her BPD, which of course she never knew she had, and of

course which went untreated, she has been in unbelievable physical and mental

pain for most of her life. I have had so many issues with her, but it was only

last summer when I actually realized that she was mentally ill (BPD) and that it

was she not I who was crazy, and that she had wrecked much of my life without

ever meaning to.

>

> And now this.

>

> She has remained totally out of her mind since January 3, except for one

moment during which she said to me, " I'm going to die, aren't I? How long do I

have? "

>

> I sat beside her in the hospital and then at home day after day, during which

she had no idea who I was or even that I was there, but talked continuously to

invisible people -- endless conversations, even laughter (and I haven't seen her

laugh since around 1974), on and on and on. Once in a while she would notice

" me, " then begin yelling at me to " get off your f***ing ass and take me out of

here so I can get on the ship " (nonsense, she had no idea where she was, there

was no ship, etc.).

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

((((((((justicecamp)))))))))))

I'm so sorry. I can't think of anything to offer you except my heartfelt

empathy. I hope that your mom finds some peace and joy in the afterlife that

she never had in this one. Nobody deserves the cancer of the mind that is

mental illness; its a genuine tragedy. And I hope for your own peace and

healing.

-Annie

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> At least a year ago, I first noticed signs of dementia in her -- repeated

questions, memory loss, etc. -- but last month everything seemed to start

collapsing rapidly. She was nodding off in the middle of sentences, forgetting

where rooms of her house were, and hallucinating ever more wildly, to the point

where we took her to the ER. Over the next two days, she was diagnosed with

severe malnutrition and dehydration (because she has been anorexic since 1964,

although no one seems to believe me about this), dementia, major infections, and

bone cancer.

>

> Doctors and social workers kept coming to me to discuss this. I wept. I was

stunned. It was so many layers of feelings at once. BPD Mom has been suicidal

for years, telling me in every conversation that she wanted to get a gun and

shoot herself, or burn down the house with herself inside it. Her suicidal

ravings have nearly drowned me. She has also been physically very disabled for

years. Combined with her BPD, which of course she never knew she had, and of

course which went untreated, she has been in unbelievable physical and mental

pain for most of her life. I have had so many issues with her, but it was only

last summer when I actually realized that she was mentally ill (BPD) and that it

was she not I who was crazy, and that she had wrecked much of my life without

ever meaning to.

>

> And now this.

>

> She has remained totally out of her mind since January 3, except for one

moment during which she said to me, " I'm going to die, aren't I? How long do I

have? "

>

> I sat beside her in the hospital and then at home day after day, during which

she had no idea who I was or even that I was there, but talked continuously to

invisible people -- endless conversations, even laughter (and I haven't seen her

laugh since around 1974), on and on and on. Once in a while she would notice

" me, " then begin yelling at me to " get off your f***ing ass and take me out of

here so I can get on the ship " (nonsense, she had no idea where she was, there

was no ship, etc.).

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

((((((((justicecamp)))))))))))

I'm so sorry. I can't think of anything to offer you except my heartfelt

empathy. I hope that your mom finds some peace and joy in the afterlife that

she never had in this one. Nobody deserves the cancer of the mind that is

mental illness; its a genuine tragedy. And I hope for your own peace and

healing.

-Annie

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> At least a year ago, I first noticed signs of dementia in her -- repeated

questions, memory loss, etc. -- but last month everything seemed to start

collapsing rapidly. She was nodding off in the middle of sentences, forgetting

where rooms of her house were, and hallucinating ever more wildly, to the point

where we took her to the ER. Over the next two days, she was diagnosed with

severe malnutrition and dehydration (because she has been anorexic since 1964,

although no one seems to believe me about this), dementia, major infections, and

bone cancer.

>

> Doctors and social workers kept coming to me to discuss this. I wept. I was

stunned. It was so many layers of feelings at once. BPD Mom has been suicidal

for years, telling me in every conversation that she wanted to get a gun and

shoot herself, or burn down the house with herself inside it. Her suicidal

ravings have nearly drowned me. She has also been physically very disabled for

years. Combined with her BPD, which of course she never knew she had, and of

course which went untreated, she has been in unbelievable physical and mental

pain for most of her life. I have had so many issues with her, but it was only

last summer when I actually realized that she was mentally ill (BPD) and that it

was she not I who was crazy, and that she had wrecked much of my life without

ever meaning to.

>

> And now this.

>

> She has remained totally out of her mind since January 3, except for one

moment during which she said to me, " I'm going to die, aren't I? How long do I

have? "

>

> I sat beside her in the hospital and then at home day after day, during which

she had no idea who I was or even that I was there, but talked continuously to

invisible people -- endless conversations, even laughter (and I haven't seen her

laugh since around 1974), on and on and on. Once in a while she would notice

" me, " then begin yelling at me to " get off your f***ing ass and take me out of

here so I can get on the ship " (nonsense, she had no idea where she was, there

was no ship, etc.).

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry to hear that your mom has cancer. My dad was misdiagnosed for almost

a year. By the time they figured out he had cancer, he had stage 3/4. He

passed away within 2 1/2 months. It's hard to watch someone suffer like that.

It's even harder when you have unresolved issues with that person. The only

thing that cancer gives you is a little time to prepare for the death before it

actually happens (it's not sudden like a fatal car accident).

My thoughts are with you. I hope you find a counselor to help you through this

difficult event, if you haven't already.

Best,

Grace

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> At least a year ago, I first noticed signs of dementia in her -- repeated

questions, memory loss, etc. -- but last month everything seemed to start

collapsing rapidly. She was nodding off in the middle of sentences, forgetting

where rooms of her house were, and hallucinating ever more wildly, to the point

where we took her to the ER. Over the next two days, she was diagnosed with

severe malnutrition and dehydration (because she has been anorexic since 1964,

although no one seems to believe me about this), dementia, major infections, and

bone cancer.

>

> Doctors and social workers kept coming to me to discuss this. I wept. I was

stunned. It was so many layers of feelings at once. BPD Mom has been suicidal

for years, telling me in every conversation that she wanted to get a gun and

shoot herself, or burn down the house with herself inside it. Her suicidal

ravings have nearly drowned me. She has also been physically very disabled for

years. Combined with her BPD, which of course she never knew she had, and of

course which went untreated, she has been in unbelievable physical and mental

pain for most of her life. I have had so many issues with her, but it was only

last summer when I actually realized that she was mentally ill (BPD) and that it

was she not I who was crazy, and that she had wrecked much of my life without

ever meaning to.

>

> And now this.

>

> She has remained totally out of her mind since January 3, except for one

moment during which she said to me, " I'm going to die, aren't I? How long do I

have? "

>

> I sat beside her in the hospital and then at home day after day, during which

she had no idea who I was or even that I was there, but talked continuously to

invisible people -- endless conversations, even laughter (and I haven't seen her

laugh since around 1974), on and on and on. Once in a while she would notice

" me, " then begin yelling at me to " get off your f***ing ass and take me out of

here so I can get on the ship " (nonsense, she had no idea where she was, there

was no ship, etc.).

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry to hear that your mom has cancer. My dad was misdiagnosed for almost

a year. By the time they figured out he had cancer, he had stage 3/4. He

passed away within 2 1/2 months. It's hard to watch someone suffer like that.

It's even harder when you have unresolved issues with that person. The only

thing that cancer gives you is a little time to prepare for the death before it

actually happens (it's not sudden like a fatal car accident).

My thoughts are with you. I hope you find a counselor to help you through this

difficult event, if you haven't already.

Best,

Grace

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> At least a year ago, I first noticed signs of dementia in her -- repeated

questions, memory loss, etc. -- but last month everything seemed to start

collapsing rapidly. She was nodding off in the middle of sentences, forgetting

where rooms of her house were, and hallucinating ever more wildly, to the point

where we took her to the ER. Over the next two days, she was diagnosed with

severe malnutrition and dehydration (because she has been anorexic since 1964,

although no one seems to believe me about this), dementia, major infections, and

bone cancer.

>

> Doctors and social workers kept coming to me to discuss this. I wept. I was

stunned. It was so many layers of feelings at once. BPD Mom has been suicidal

for years, telling me in every conversation that she wanted to get a gun and

shoot herself, or burn down the house with herself inside it. Her suicidal

ravings have nearly drowned me. She has also been physically very disabled for

years. Combined with her BPD, which of course she never knew she had, and of

course which went untreated, she has been in unbelievable physical and mental

pain for most of her life. I have had so many issues with her, but it was only

last summer when I actually realized that she was mentally ill (BPD) and that it

was she not I who was crazy, and that she had wrecked much of my life without

ever meaning to.

>

> And now this.

>

> She has remained totally out of her mind since January 3, except for one

moment during which she said to me, " I'm going to die, aren't I? How long do I

have? "

>

> I sat beside her in the hospital and then at home day after day, during which

she had no idea who I was or even that I was there, but talked continuously to

invisible people -- endless conversations, even laughter (and I haven't seen her

laugh since around 1974), on and on and on. Once in a while she would notice

" me, " then begin yelling at me to " get off your f***ing ass and take me out of

here so I can get on the ship " (nonsense, she had no idea where she was, there

was no ship, etc.).

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry to hear that your mom has cancer. My dad was misdiagnosed for almost

a year. By the time they figured out he had cancer, he had stage 3/4. He

passed away within 2 1/2 months. It's hard to watch someone suffer like that.

It's even harder when you have unresolved issues with that person. The only

thing that cancer gives you is a little time to prepare for the death before it

actually happens (it's not sudden like a fatal car accident).

My thoughts are with you. I hope you find a counselor to help you through this

difficult event, if you haven't already.

Best,

Grace

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> At least a year ago, I first noticed signs of dementia in her -- repeated

questions, memory loss, etc. -- but last month everything seemed to start

collapsing rapidly. She was nodding off in the middle of sentences, forgetting

where rooms of her house were, and hallucinating ever more wildly, to the point

where we took her to the ER. Over the next two days, she was diagnosed with

severe malnutrition and dehydration (because she has been anorexic since 1964,

although no one seems to believe me about this), dementia, major infections, and

bone cancer.

>

> Doctors and social workers kept coming to me to discuss this. I wept. I was

stunned. It was so many layers of feelings at once. BPD Mom has been suicidal

for years, telling me in every conversation that she wanted to get a gun and

shoot herself, or burn down the house with herself inside it. Her suicidal

ravings have nearly drowned me. She has also been physically very disabled for

years. Combined with her BPD, which of course she never knew she had, and of

course which went untreated, she has been in unbelievable physical and mental

pain for most of her life. I have had so many issues with her, but it was only

last summer when I actually realized that she was mentally ill (BPD) and that it

was she not I who was crazy, and that she had wrecked much of my life without

ever meaning to.

>

> And now this.

>

> She has remained totally out of her mind since January 3, except for one

moment during which she said to me, " I'm going to die, aren't I? How long do I

have? "

>

> I sat beside her in the hospital and then at home day after day, during which

she had no idea who I was or even that I was there, but talked continuously to

invisible people -- endless conversations, even laughter (and I haven't seen her

laugh since around 1974), on and on and on. Once in a while she would notice

" me, " then begin yelling at me to " get off your f***ing ass and take me out of

here so I can get on the ship " (nonsense, she had no idea where she was, there

was no ship, etc.).

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

This is so difficult for you. I'm sorry. I'm so thankful that there are hospice

workers there to care for her so you're not forced into that role. It would be

way too difficult. I don't care what other people say (but she's your mother).

They don't know how painful it is to be around someone like this.

And yet we don't want to see them suffer. Odd how we take the neglect and abuse

for decades and yet in the end, we still care if they're hurting. Just goes to

show what a gentle heart you still have.

Take care of yourself. There's not a lot you can do for her at this stage. The

waiting is hard. Again, take care.

irene

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

This is so difficult for you. I'm sorry. I'm so thankful that there are hospice

workers there to care for her so you're not forced into that role. It would be

way too difficult. I don't care what other people say (but she's your mother).

They don't know how painful it is to be around someone like this.

And yet we don't want to see them suffer. Odd how we take the neglect and abuse

for decades and yet in the end, we still care if they're hurting. Just goes to

show what a gentle heart you still have.

Take care of yourself. There's not a lot you can do for her at this stage. The

waiting is hard. Again, take care.

irene

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

This is so difficult for you. I'm sorry. I'm so thankful that there are hospice

workers there to care for her so you're not forced into that role. It would be

way too difficult. I don't care what other people say (but she's your mother).

They don't know how painful it is to be around someone like this.

And yet we don't want to see them suffer. Odd how we take the neglect and abuse

for decades and yet in the end, we still care if they're hurting. Just goes to

show what a gentle heart you still have.

Take care of yourself. There's not a lot you can do for her at this stage. The

waiting is hard. Again, take care.

irene

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

((((((Justicecamp)))))) I'm so sorry, this must be so very difficult. All I

can do is parrot back what others here have said: be gentle with yourself &

allow yourself time to grieve.

Please know we are here for you.

Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

((((((Justicecamp)))))) I'm so sorry, this must be so very difficult. All I

can do is parrot back what others here have said: be gentle with yourself &

allow yourself time to grieve.

Please know we are here for you.

Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

((((((Justicecamp)))))) I'm so sorry, this must be so very difficult. All I

can do is parrot back what others here have said: be gentle with yourself &

allow yourself time to grieve.

Please know we are here for you.

Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

I certainly can relate to your experience. My 87 year old Fada is living with us

because he had reached a point where he was starving and couldn't properly care

for himself. Though once he moved in and I could study him, I realized he

probably could have done more for himself but that he had just given up. He

exhibits such learned dependence that it is frustrating. I keep telling his

caregivers that I don't know where his physical disabilities end and his mental

disabilities take over, but everyone concerned is in agreement that he could do

more for himself than he is doing. I pray every day for God's mercy on my dad

and that he will have a quick end. For a BP to die of cancer the way your mother

is, must be excruciating. The BP's feel so sorry for themselves and are so sure

that their existence is more miserable than anyone else's and then to have to

deal with them through a legitimate painful horrible illness is as you said

something. I am so sorry you have had such a difficult time, you are to be

commended for seeking therapy and self healing. We must all comfort each other

and comfort ourselves as our parents were never capable. continue to work on

yourself and see your therapist and just remember that you are to be praised for

working on you. You are also to be commended for sticking by your mother and

helping her through to the bitter end. I will also do this for my father but I

know it isn't easy! My mother in law had pancreatic cancer and was gentle and

unselfish to the end, my father is in generally good health and pouts and moans

and bewails his horrible existence so I can imagine how awful it must be to deal

with a BP with a real illness that causes such excruciating pain. The longer I

live the sadder the world seems to be, but it is important to know that you can

comfort yourself, that you are worthy of whatever happiness you can make for

yourself, your compassion towards your mother is a light of unselfishness in a

sometimes sad and lonely world. So glad you are part of this group, there is

such comfort and compassion here. I send you all good vibrations and healing

thoughts and will keep you in my prayers.

Kay

[Guest guest]

But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

I certainly can relate to your experience. My 87 year old Fada is living with us

because he had reached a point where he was starving and couldn't properly care

for himself. Though once he moved in and I could study him, I realized he

probably could have done more for himself but that he had just given up. He

exhibits such learned dependence that it is frustrating. I keep telling his

caregivers that I don't know where his physical disabilities end and his mental

disabilities take over, but everyone concerned is in agreement that he could do

more for himself than he is doing. I pray every day for God's mercy on my dad

and that he will have a quick end. For a BP to die of cancer the way your mother

is, must be excruciating. The BP's feel so sorry for themselves and are so sure

that their existence is more miserable than anyone else's and then to have to

deal with them through a legitimate painful horrible illness is as you said

something. I am so sorry you have had such a difficult time, you are to be

commended for seeking therapy and self healing. We must all comfort each other

and comfort ourselves as our parents were never capable. continue to work on

yourself and see your therapist and just remember that you are to be praised for

working on you. You are also to be commended for sticking by your mother and

helping her through to the bitter end. I will also do this for my father but I

know it isn't easy! My mother in law had pancreatic cancer and was gentle and

unselfish to the end, my father is in generally good health and pouts and moans

and bewails his horrible existence so I can imagine how awful it must be to deal

with a BP with a real illness that causes such excruciating pain. The longer I

live the sadder the world seems to be, but it is important to know that you can

comfort yourself, that you are worthy of whatever happiness you can make for

yourself, your compassion towards your mother is a light of unselfishness in a

sometimes sad and lonely world. So glad you are part of this group, there is

such comfort and compassion here. I send you all good vibrations and healing

thoughts and will keep you in my prayers.

Kay

[Guest guest]

I have often wondered this myself. What is the point of such long, long

suffering over a person's entire life, and then to suffer an end like this?

This has to be excruciating to watch. My heart goes out to you. Maybe there's

some mercy in the fact that she isn't really attached to reality at this point.

I hope you are able to find some peace in all this.

--.

[Guest guest]

I have often wondered this myself. What is the point of such long, long

suffering over a person's entire life, and then to suffer an end like this?

This has to be excruciating to watch. My heart goes out to you. Maybe there's

some mercy in the fact that she isn't really attached to reality at this point.

I hope you are able to find some peace in all this.

--.

[Guest guest]

I have often wondered this myself. What is the point of such long, long

suffering over a person's entire life, and then to suffer an end like this?

This has to be excruciating to watch. My heart goes out to you. Maybe there's

some mercy in the fact that she isn't really attached to reality at this point.

I hope you are able to find some peace in all this.

--.

[Guest guest]

(((Justicecamp))) I'm so sorry...this is alot of trauma to take in--please try

to give yourself plenty of grace at this time.I can only imagine how rough this

is for you.My self destructive fada had had me on an emotional roller coaster

with his health problems and when he did die it was from something I hadn't

anticipated or expected.It was very difficult to make the adjustment to how he

actually was dying along with all of the pain he had caused me as well as

himself.As you said,it was all " sad beyond sad beyond sad " .And in many ways just

horrifying.

I send you my empathy and my sincere condolences.It's a many layered

loss and a complicated grief that is nowhere easy to bear.Please avail yourself

of any and all support that you can.And we are here if you need us.

Take good care,

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> At least a year ago, I first noticed signs of dementia in her -- repeated

questions, memory loss, etc. -- but last month everything seemed to start

collapsing rapidly. She was nodding off in the middle of sentences, forgetting

where rooms of her house were, and hallucinating ever more wildly, to the point

where we took her to the ER. Over the next two days, she was diagnosed with

severe malnutrition and dehydration (because she has been anorexic since 1964,

although no one seems to believe me about this), dementia, major infections, and

bone cancer.

>

> Doctors and social workers kept coming to me to discuss this. I wept. I was

stunned. It was so many layers of feelings at once. BPD Mom has been suicidal

for years, telling me in every conversation that she wanted to get a gun and

shoot herself, or burn down the house with herself inside it. Her suicidal

ravings have nearly drowned me. She has also been physically very disabled for

years. Combined with her BPD, which of course she never knew she had, and of

course which went untreated, she has been in unbelievable physical and mental

pain for most of her life. I have had so many issues with her, but it was only

last summer when I actually realized that she was mentally ill (BPD) and that it

was she not I who was crazy, and that she had wrecked much of my life without

ever meaning to.

>

> And now this.

>

> She has remained totally out of her mind since January 3, except for one

moment during which she said to me, " I'm going to die, aren't I? How long do I

have? "

>

> I sat beside her in the hospital and then at home day after day, during which

she had no idea who I was or even that I was there, but talked continuously to

invisible people -- endless conversations, even laughter (and I haven't seen her

laugh since around 1974), on and on and on. Once in a while she would notice

" me, " then begin yelling at me to " get off your f***ing ass and take me out of

here so I can get on the ship " (nonsense, she had no idea where she was, there

was no ship, etc.).

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

(((Justicecamp))) I'm so sorry...this is alot of trauma to take in--please try

to give yourself plenty of grace at this time.I can only imagine how rough this

is for you.My self destructive fada had had me on an emotional roller coaster

with his health problems and when he did die it was from something I hadn't

anticipated or expected.It was very difficult to make the adjustment to how he

actually was dying along with all of the pain he had caused me as well as

himself.As you said,it was all " sad beyond sad beyond sad " .And in many ways just

horrifying.

I send you my empathy and my sincere condolences.It's a many layered

loss and a complicated grief that is nowhere easy to bear.Please avail yourself

of any and all support that you can.And we are here if you need us.

Take good care,

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> At least a year ago, I first noticed signs of dementia in her -- repeated

questions, memory loss, etc. -- but last month everything seemed to start

collapsing rapidly. She was nodding off in the middle of sentences, forgetting

where rooms of her house were, and hallucinating ever more wildly, to the point

where we took her to the ER. Over the next two days, she was diagnosed with

severe malnutrition and dehydration (because she has been anorexic since 1964,

although no one seems to believe me about this), dementia, major infections, and

bone cancer.

>

> Doctors and social workers kept coming to me to discuss this. I wept. I was

stunned. It was so many layers of feelings at once. BPD Mom has been suicidal

for years, telling me in every conversation that she wanted to get a gun and

shoot herself, or burn down the house with herself inside it. Her suicidal

ravings have nearly drowned me. She has also been physically very disabled for

years. Combined with her BPD, which of course she never knew she had, and of

course which went untreated, she has been in unbelievable physical and mental

pain for most of her life. I have had so many issues with her, but it was only

last summer when I actually realized that she was mentally ill (BPD) and that it

was she not I who was crazy, and that she had wrecked much of my life without

ever meaning to.

>

> And now this.

>

> She has remained totally out of her mind since January 3, except for one

moment during which she said to me, " I'm going to die, aren't I? How long do I

have? "

>

> I sat beside her in the hospital and then at home day after day, during which

she had no idea who I was or even that I was there, but talked continuously to

invisible people -- endless conversations, even laughter (and I haven't seen her

laugh since around 1974), on and on and on. Once in a while she would notice

" me, " then begin yelling at me to " get off your f***ing ass and take me out of

here so I can get on the ship " (nonsense, she had no idea where she was, there

was no ship, etc.).

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

(((Justicecamp))) I'm so sorry...this is alot of trauma to take in--please try

to give yourself plenty of grace at this time.I can only imagine how rough this

is for you.My self destructive fada had had me on an emotional roller coaster

with his health problems and when he did die it was from something I hadn't

anticipated or expected.It was very difficult to make the adjustment to how he

actually was dying along with all of the pain he had caused me as well as

himself.As you said,it was all " sad beyond sad beyond sad " .And in many ways just

horrifying.

I send you my empathy and my sincere condolences.It's a many layered

loss and a complicated grief that is nowhere easy to bear.Please avail yourself

of any and all support that you can.And we are here if you need us.

Take good care,

>

> I've been away from this group because these past two weeks have been the most

harrowing of my life. BPD Mom has been placed in a hospice program with

full-time caregivers living in her house, because the doctors say she has

terminal cancer.

>

> At least a year ago, I first noticed signs of dementia in her -- repeated

questions, memory loss, etc. -- but last month everything seemed to start

collapsing rapidly. She was nodding off in the middle of sentences, forgetting

where rooms of her house were, and hallucinating ever more wildly, to the point

where we took her to the ER. Over the next two days, she was diagnosed with

severe malnutrition and dehydration (because she has been anorexic since 1964,

although no one seems to believe me about this), dementia, major infections, and

bone cancer.

>

> Doctors and social workers kept coming to me to discuss this. I wept. I was

stunned. It was so many layers of feelings at once. BPD Mom has been suicidal

for years, telling me in every conversation that she wanted to get a gun and

shoot herself, or burn down the house with herself inside it. Her suicidal

ravings have nearly drowned me. She has also been physically very disabled for

years. Combined with her BPD, which of course she never knew she had, and of

course which went untreated, she has been in unbelievable physical and mental

pain for most of her life. I have had so many issues with her, but it was only

last summer when I actually realized that she was mentally ill (BPD) and that it

was she not I who was crazy, and that she had wrecked much of my life without

ever meaning to.

>

> And now this.

>

> She has remained totally out of her mind since January 3, except for one

moment during which she said to me, " I'm going to die, aren't I? How long do I

have? "

>

> I sat beside her in the hospital and then at home day after day, during which

she had no idea who I was or even that I was there, but talked continuously to

invisible people -- endless conversations, even laughter (and I haven't seen her

laugh since around 1974), on and on and on. Once in a while she would notice

" me, " then begin yelling at me to " get off your f***ing ass and take me out of

here so I can get on the ship " (nonsense, she had no idea where she was, there

was no ship, etc.).

>

> Seeing her like that, and seeing the condition of her body -- skeletal and

raddled not just by the cancer but by many decades of her own mistreatment of it

-- is sad beyond sad beyond sad. What is the point of life for the mentally ill

whose suffering is largely self-induced but who don't know that and it just goes

on and on? My own life has mostly felt meaningless, although I didn't until

recently know why -- that it was because I was raised by someone whose mental

illness did not let them love or really understand anyone, including

(especially?) me. Her illness which I did not know was illness dominated my

entire world. Her negativity and self-loathing were all I knew for my first

twenty years. Her delusions became my philosophy, my Bible. I've spent years in

therapy, years struggling for self-awareness and recovery. Of course I always

knew she would pass away someday -- I thought she would have an accident or kill

herself, as she threatened to do. But watching it happen this way, with this

long transition, is ... something.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, everyone. I can see that many of you have been through similar

experiences. Grief is grief, which is always awful, but this is a strange kind

of grief that not everyone out there could understand.

While one of the hospice nurses was taking Mom's vital signs the other day, Mom

got into one of her nasty moods -- still delusional, still with no idea where

she was or who we all were, but entirely recognizable in her BPD meanness. The

nurse said brightly, " I'm the nurse and I'm here to check your pulse! "

Mom snarled at her in a mocking voice, " Well -- I'm glad you think you're so

smart. Do whatever the hell you think you have to do. "

The nurse said, " Aren't you glad that you're daughter's here with you? "

Mom snarled, " Well -- she's here. "

Afterward, in another room, the nurse told me that " whatever personality people

had before they became ill just gets bigger when they're dying. If someone was a

gentle little lamb all her life, that's how she'll go out of this world. If

someone was mean and sarcastic all her life, then ... well, you're going to see

a lot more of that. It's going to be a hard road for you. "

She said that when it got rough I should just leave the room for a while. So

logical. And so profound. And I wished wished wished that someone had given me

that very same advice about 45 years ago.

Better late than never.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing that with us, the wisdom that when the abuse starts up,

its OK to just leave the room, or the house, for a while. I remember when it

finally, finally dawned on me that *I* could do that too. It sounds so

simplistically obvious but when one has spent their whole life trying to please

this individual and when one has never escaped a child's perspective of the

primal relationship: " She's the mother, I'm the child, I must obey her and show

her respect " it ISN'T simple and it ISN'T obvious, at all. But one time I'd

flown out for yet another visit, and nada was starting in on me, and it finally

just " clicked " in my head that *I could walk away from her even though she was

yelling at me* and I could get in the car I'd rented and drive away... to

anywhere I wanted. It had simply never occurred to me that that was an option,

before. Weird, huh?

And thank you for sharing that wisdom of the hospice nurse, that whatever a

person's main personality traits are, their standard way of behaving, it will

intensify as they approach death. I think Sister and I need to know that.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through your nada's end-of-life

process with her; I wish you both peace.

-Annie

>

> Thanks, everyone. I can see that many of you have been through similar

experiences. Grief is grief, which is always awful, but this is a strange kind

of grief that not everyone out there could understand.

>

> While one of the hospice nurses was taking Mom's vital signs the other day,

Mom got into one of her nasty moods -- still delusional, still with no idea

where she was or who we all were, but entirely recognizable in her BPD meanness.

The nurse said brightly, " I'm the nurse and I'm here to check your pulse! "

>

> Mom snarled at her in a mocking voice, " Well -- I'm glad you think you're so

smart. Do whatever the hell you think you have to do. "

>

> The nurse said, " Aren't you glad that you're daughter's here with you? "

>

> Mom snarled, " Well -- she's here. "

>

> Afterward, in another room, the nurse told me that " whatever personality

people had before they became ill just gets bigger when they're dying. If

someone was a gentle little lamb all her life, that's how she'll go out of this

world. If someone was mean and sarcastic all her life, then ... well, you're

going to see a lot more of that. It's going to be a hard road for you. "

>

> She said that when it got rough I should just leave the room for a while. So

logical. And so profound. And I wished wished wished that someone had given me

that very same advice about 45 years ago.

>

> Better late than never.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing that with us, the wisdom that when the abuse starts up,

its OK to just leave the room, or the house, for a while. I remember when it

finally, finally dawned on me that *I* could do that too. It sounds so

simplistically obvious but when one has spent their whole life trying to please

this individual and when one has never escaped a child's perspective of the

primal relationship: " She's the mother, I'm the child, I must obey her and show

her respect " it ISN'T simple and it ISN'T obvious, at all. But one time I'd

flown out for yet another visit, and nada was starting in on me, and it finally

just " clicked " in my head that *I could walk away from her even though she was

yelling at me* and I could get in the car I'd rented and drive away... to

anywhere I wanted. It had simply never occurred to me that that was an option,

before. Weird, huh?

And thank you for sharing that wisdom of the hospice nurse, that whatever a

person's main personality traits are, their standard way of behaving, it will

intensify as they approach death. I think Sister and I need to know that.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through your nada's end-of-life

process with her; I wish you both peace.

-Annie

>

> Thanks, everyone. I can see that many of you have been through similar

experiences. Grief is grief, which is always awful, but this is a strange kind

of grief that not everyone out there could understand.

>

> While one of the hospice nurses was taking Mom's vital signs the other day,

Mom got into one of her nasty moods -- still delusional, still with no idea

where she was or who we all were, but entirely recognizable in her BPD meanness.

The nurse said brightly, " I'm the nurse and I'm here to check your pulse! "

>

> Mom snarled at her in a mocking voice, " Well -- I'm glad you think you're so

smart. Do whatever the hell you think you have to do. "

>

> The nurse said, " Aren't you glad that you're daughter's here with you? "

>

> Mom snarled, " Well -- she's here. "

>

> Afterward, in another room, the nurse told me that " whatever personality

people had before they became ill just gets bigger when they're dying. If

someone was a gentle little lamb all her life, that's how she'll go out of this

world. If someone was mean and sarcastic all her life, then ... well, you're

going to see a lot more of that. It's going to be a hard road for you. "

>

> She said that when it got rough I should just leave the room for a while. So

logical. And so profound. And I wished wished wished that someone had given me

that very same advice about 45 years ago.

>

> Better late than never.

>