Merry Christmas Eve

[Guest guest]

Merry Christmas Eve everyone!

I'm up at 4:30 a.m., having fallen asleep very early last night. Early

mornings are my private time, and on this one I'm thinking about this

Christmas contrasted with last. In July of this year, my " sister-in-law " who

I have never met sent me hate mail via Facebook messaging. I called the

cops, they went and talked to her and told her I would get a restraining

order if she ever contacted me again, and I realized I needed therapy

because I was so shaken up. Within 2 months, my work brought me face to face

with a lovely woman named , who was just starting out her practice

about 20 min from my house. I contacted her, she agreed to see me. Now, 4

months later, inside I am like a completely different person.

This time last year, the guilt of being NC had me sleeping 15 hours a day. I

was over weight. I was drinking alcohol too frequently. Despite loving to

exercise, I wasn't sticking with my fitness routine. I was depressed,

miserable and suicidal.I just wasn't myself.

This year, has taught me that 1) I do have a family, one of my own

creation and it is a beautiful wonderful thing to have such a strong

relationship with my boyfriend, and to have 3 dogs who love me and follow on

my heels everywhere I go and who are like my children. 2) I'm not a

disfigured lump of a human being. i don't know if I can actually say this

outloud yet, it is very hard for me to allow positive thoughts about myself.

But I am a lovely, extroverted, expressive, creative, compassionate,

go-getter of a human being. I'm actually not unattractive either, despite

what my FOO taught me as a kid. And I've dropped about 45 lbs over last

year, I'm back at my college weight. In addition, its okay for me to love

clothes and fashion like I do and not to dress or look just like everyone

else. i have the right to express myself (now this doesn't sound amazing,

but it was a long time coming). 3) Here's a recent discovery as of the last

couple of days - I'm not the only person that this has happened to and its

not my fault. I just finished reading a book about dysfunctional families

that Doug recommended, and the pattern of personality disorders in families

goes so far back it is even documented in the bible. My reactions to the way

my FOO treated me were just normal reactions any human being would have. Now

I'm filled with rage that my family did not pick up a single book, call a

single therapist or make a single effort to try to save me. Eff them. I

saved myself. To bad they couldn't have helped me when I was kid instead of

waiting til my 30s.

So, 2010 has been a beautiful year. I wish the same for each of you. I'm

looking for ideas for a second tattoo to symbolize the work I have done in

therapy. I don't have even a single idea yet, but I'm pretty sure I'll know

it when I see it.

Merry Christmas. I hope you have a beautiful year and are able to get

unstuck this year like I was. By the way, I've also applied to 2 grad

schools for a PhD and applied for a job as an Executive Director too. I knew

being " stuck " in my poor self image was holding me back in my career. No

more.

Love to you all, Girlscout

[Guest guest]

xoxo dougie!!!!

>

>

>

> > Merry Christmas Eve everyone!

>

>

> >

> > This year, has taught me that 1) I do have a family, one of my

> own

> > creation and it is a beautiful wonderful thing to have such a strong

> > relationship with my boyfriend, and to have 3 dogs who love me and

> follow on

> > my heels everywhere I go and who are like my children. 2) I'm not a

> > disfigured lump of a human being. i don't know if I can actually say

> this

> > outloud yet, it is very hard for me to allow positive thoughts about

> myself.

> >

>

> Yes, we must grieve the losses, instead of letting the rage and pain

> trap us in them. And , hard for us, embrace and rejoice in the things

> we DO have.

>

>

> But I am a lovely, extroverted, expressive, creative, compassionate,

> > go-getter of a human being. I'm actually not unattractive either,

> despite

> > what my FOO taught me as a kid. And I've dropped about 45 lbs over

> last

> > year, I'm back at my college weight. In addition, its okay for me to

> love

> > clothes and fashion like I do and not to dress or look just like

> everyone

> > else. i have the right to express myself (now this doesn't sound

> amazing,

> > but it was a long time coming).

>

> Ok, ok, we get it! You re hot! Grrrrrrr~

>

>

> 3) Here's a recent discovery as of the last

> > couple of days - I'm not the only person that this has happened to and

> its

> > not my fault. I just finished reading a book about dysfunctional

> families

> > that Doug recommended, and the pattern of personality disorders in

> families

> > goes so far back it is even documented in the bible. My reactions to

> the way

> > my FOO treated me were just normal reactions any human being would

> have.

>

> Part of the trouble is , we just don t have a frame of reference for

> that mystical normal. We ve never seen it, then we want to emulate it.

> We have to let our emotions grow up and become a " Real Rabbit. "

>

>

> Now I'm filled with rage that my family did not pick up a single book,

> call a

> > single therapist or make a single effort to try to save me. Eff them.

> I

> > saved myself. To bad they couldn't have helped me when I was kid

> instead of

> > waiting til my 30s.

>

> Not sure why it is that so many could see the troubled woman my mom was,

> the angry hurt boy I was, and do nothing.

>

>

> > So, 2010 has been a beautiful year. I wish the same for each of you.

> I'm

> > looking for ideas for a second tattoo to symbolize the work I have

> done in

> > therapy. I don't have even a single idea yet, but I'm pretty sure I'll

> know

> > it when I see it.

>

> A Chrysalis?

>

>

> > Merry Christmas. I hope you have a beautiful year and are able to get

> > unstuck this year like I was. By the way, I've also applied to 2 grad

> > schools for a PhD and applied for a job as an Executive Director too.

> I knew

> > being " stuck " in my poor self image was holding me back in my career.

> No

> > more.

> >

> > Love to you all, Girlscout

>

> Merry Christmas, kiddo! Joy.

>

> Doug

>

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Merry Christmas and much love to you Girlscout! Funnily, the most favourable

description you gave of yourself befits the image that I have of you! Your

strength, intelligence and warm personality- not to mention good looks, nice one

Doug - certainly shine through here! Good luck with your study and job

hunting!

You go girl!

Lynda x

[Guest guest]

Merry Christmas and much love to you Girlscout! Funnily, the most favourable

description you gave of yourself befits the image that I have of you! Your

strength, intelligence and warm personality- not to mention good looks, nice one

Doug - certainly shine through here! Good luck with your study and job

hunting!

You go girl!

Lynda x

[Guest guest]

Doug and Girlscout:

I thought both of yours were wonderful thoughts on this holiday.

It's really sad to think of the pain of our nada's lives, and our own as

children. I think I'm just worn out with thinking about the pain of nada's

life. I was crying about all this stuff back when I was 18. I could really

feel what a sad waste her life was back then, and it really hurt me to think of

it.

But now I think I'm just worn out. I can't really feel that stuff anymore. I

mean, I can know it intellectually, but I don't really *feel* it anymore. My

entire life for 38 years was, Poor her, so-and-so-did-this-to-her,

so-and-so-did-that-to-her, her pain, her pain, her pain. (Is it compassion

fatigue, or am I just turning into a heel?)

I really salute big guys who can cry and make candy, and women who can make such

a success of themselves literally out of nothing. Best of holidays to you both

and everybody else on here.

--.

PS, congrats Girlscout on the weight loss. Unless I find some miracle way I can

exercise my head off for three to four hours daily and only eat one salad every

other day, I don't expect to be back at my college weight. Ever. It's a lot

healthier not to be fat.

[Guest guest]

Doug and Girlscout:

I thought both of yours were wonderful thoughts on this holiday.

It's really sad to think of the pain of our nada's lives, and our own as

children. I think I'm just worn out with thinking about the pain of nada's

life. I was crying about all this stuff back when I was 18. I could really

feel what a sad waste her life was back then, and it really hurt me to think of

it.

But now I think I'm just worn out. I can't really feel that stuff anymore. I

mean, I can know it intellectually, but I don't really *feel* it anymore. My

entire life for 38 years was, Poor her, so-and-so-did-this-to-her,

so-and-so-did-that-to-her, her pain, her pain, her pain. (Is it compassion

fatigue, or am I just turning into a heel?)

I really salute big guys who can cry and make candy, and women who can make such

a success of themselves literally out of nothing. Best of holidays to you both

and everybody else on here.

--.

PS, congrats Girlscout on the weight loss. Unless I find some miracle way I can

exercise my head off for three to four hours daily and only eat one salad every

other day, I don't expect to be back at my college weight. Ever. It's a lot

healthier not to be fat.