Merry Christmas Eve

[Guest guest]

Merry Christmas Eve everyone!

I'm up at 4:30 a.m., having fallen asleep very early last night. Early

mornings are my private time, and on this one I'm thinking about this

Christmas contrasted with last. In July of this year, my " sister-in-law " who

I have never met sent me hate mail via Facebook messaging. I called the

cops, they went and talked to her and told her I would get a restraining

order if she ever contacted me again, and I realized I needed therapy

because I was so shaken up. Within 2 months, my work brought me face to face

with a lovely woman named , who was just starting out her practice

about 20 min from my house. I contacted her, she agreed to see me. Now, 4

months later, inside I am like a completely different person.

This time last year, the guilt of being NC had me sleeping 15 hours a day. I

was over weight. I was drinking alcohol too frequently. Despite loving to

exercise, I wasn't sticking with my fitness routine. I was depressed,

miserable and suicidal.I just wasn't myself.

This year, has taught me that 1) I do have a family, one of my own

creation and it is a beautiful wonderful thing to have such a strong

relationship with my boyfriend, and to have 3 dogs who love me and follow on

my heels everywhere I go and who are like my children. 2) I'm not a

disfigured lump of a human being. i don't know if I can actually say this

outloud yet, it is very hard for me to allow positive thoughts about myself.

But I am a lovely, extroverted, expressive, creative, compassionate,

go-getter of a human being. I'm actually not unattractive either, despite

what my FOO taught me as a kid. And I've dropped about 45 lbs over last

year, I'm back at my college weight. In addition, its okay for me to love

clothes and fashion like I do and not to dress or look just like everyone

else. i have the right to express myself (now this doesn't sound amazing,

but it was a long time coming). 3) Here's a recent discovery as of the last

couple of days - I'm not the only person that this has happened to and its

not my fault. I just finished reading a book about dysfunctional families

that Doug recommended, and the pattern of personality disorders in families

goes so far back it is even documented in the bible. My reactions to the way

my FOO treated me were just normal reactions any human being would have. Now

I'm filled with rage that my family did not pick up a single book, call a

single therapist or make a single effort to try to save me. Eff them. I

saved myself. To bad they couldn't have helped me when I was kid instead of

waiting til my 30s.

So, 2010 has been a beautiful year. I wish the same for each of you. I'm

looking for ideas for a second tattoo to symbolize the work I have done in

therapy. I don't have even a single idea yet, but I'm pretty sure I'll know

it when I see it.

Merry Christmas. I hope you have a beautiful year and are able to get

unstuck this year like I was. By the way, I've also applied to 2 grad

schools for a PhD and applied for a job as an Executive Director too. I knew

being " stuck " in my poor self image was holding me back in my career. No

more.

Love to you all, Girlscout