losing it

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I've been away from this board for a few weeks because I've been visiting my BPD

mother and dealing with the results of that visit. At this point I feel close to

losing my mind (for lack of a better term) and if anyone here has had any

experiences or insights to offer right now I would be extremely grateful.

Long story short: My BPD mother is becoming demented. She is 82, disabled,

living alone, and has a daily helper who does not sleep over. A few years ago

when BPD Mom first became disabled we hired live-in helpers for her but they

stole from her and destroyed her (already fragile) trust and she vowed never to

have anyone living there again.

I live 500 miles away.

It was only this summer at age 50-plus that I learned about BPD and realized

that she has it. BPD is why she ruined my life. I am lucky at this point to have

a wonderful husband and gainful employment, but growing up as the only child of

the most self-loathing, negative, angry, depressed, mean, illogical, paranoid,

ranting, self-centered, jealous, childish adult in the world (with no help from

angry Dad, who hated in me what he hated in her) turned me into not 100 percent

of a person but 65 percent. I have always felt like not a complete or real

person but a fragment striving to pass or survive. All the classic KO stuff:

pleasure makes me feel guilty (because she's so miserable); the very idea of

freedom makes me panic (because the brainwash made me believe I could never

escape). Therapy helped ... some.

She did not damage me on purpose and thinks she loves me but ... the damage was

done.

Since the death of my dad twenty years ago and the onset of her disability ten

years ago her BPD aspects have grown ever more extreme -- plus constant suicide

ramblings. Not attempts, just " EVERYONE wants me dead and so do I. "

I only visit her once a year, and even in " good " times, it's toxic. On my annual

visit this month, it was clear that something is happening to her brain. She

nods off in the middle of sentences, hallucinates, etc. She could not remember

my husband's surname. I tried to arrange a visit to her doctor, but the part of

her that is still " her " raged at me ( " How DARE you??? " ) and cancelled it. Now

I'm home again, and I arranged another appointment for her several weeks from

now. Will she cancel that one too? I tell her, " I'm trying to help you, " and she

roars, " Well, stop. "

What can I do? What should I do?

I am torn and going crazy. I feel it is my task as a human being to help my

parent. But she is a BPD parent, so she refuses help and her very presence is

toxic to me. And because she is a BPD parent, she brainwashed me to be dominated

by her emotions, wants, and illogicalities. Any outside observer would say she

needs help. They would say I am the one who must get her that help. And yes: I

have been corresponding with her doctor, telling him about her symptoms -- he

didn't believe me at first, but then agreed to let me make an appointment for

her. I've been talking with care agencies. I've been talking with BPD Mom on the

phone every few days -- which was always toxic but is now also surreal, as she

describes seeing people who are not there and can't remember things that

happened two hours before.

This process is turning into a huge battle. She doesn't want help. She rages

against the very suggestion of getting help. When nice acquaintances say softly

to her, " I think you need a little help, " she takes it as a huge insult and

raves to me on the phone later about it: " Goddamn it, she said I need

HE-E-E-ELP " (mimicking the nice acquaintance in a sinister whine). " Why did she

say that? Does she think I STINK?? "

Strong-willed adult children of normal parents can " force " those parents to do

things -- such as go to doctors or eat normally. (Did I mention that BPD Mom is

also an anorexic who has eaten nothing but candy for the last fifteen years? I

thought not.) I feel like a failure for having been unable to make her do

anything despite a lifetime of my pitiful pleadings -- which have never worked

and which I know I must stop. It's a mindf**k.

Society would say she NEEDS help and that I am a terrible person for not FORCING

help upon her. My husband says it is society's harsh judgmental eye that makes

me feel so sick right now.

Other people whose parents have dementia also endure the shock of watching

someone disappear while still alive. But with a BPD parent it's a very

conflicting experience. After all, this is the person who trained me to be a

passive guilty wimpy weak terrified self-loathing 65-percenter who is only

somewhat recovered and can barely function as an adult.

Legally, I have no power over her fate or medical care. I cannot legally " put

her in a home. " For that, I would need a doctor's diagnosis saying that she is

no longer fully cognizant. The appointment I made for her is far enough in the

future that she might be persuaded to think it's just an ordinary checkup, and

actually go. Or not.

In any parent, this transition would be heartbreaking. You are watching someone

disappear before your eyes. But when this is a BPD parent who wrecked your life

and made you very nearly crazy, it's complicated. What do I feel? Pity? Worry?

Guilt? My husband says society wouldn't understand, because they don't know what

a " horrible person " (his words) she is and that she resists help.

Granted, at some point the dementia will go so far that she won't be able to say

" no " anymore. But we're not there yet, and it seems like such an awful thing to

hope for. I feel evil just thinking what a relief it would be.

Right now I am drowning in fear and guilt. My husband says this is proof that

I'm still brainwashed and that she still runs my life. He says, " Do what you

have to do but just walk out of the cage because your chains were cut decades

ago. "

Why does this sound so impossible?

Can any of you relate?