Re: Re: Is this Bordeline behaviour? Would love your help...

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Once I started confronting fada & nada on their dispicable behavior,

outbursts and abuse towards me (which took me 56 years to do!), they first went

into anger, then childlike behavior, then after seeing I would tolerate no

more, they choose to be angry and bitter with me, blame me for all their

problems, and moved out of my house. It's been 4 months since they left our

care (they're both 90); they moved back to their home in a gated

community. Come to find out, they have nearly the entire neighborhood catering

to

them, bringing them dinners, knocking at their door daily to check on them,

and completely playing into their hands. Don't get me wrong, I think it's

great that my husband and I aren't involved anymore; what I find so

pitiful is that they need assisted living and they refuse to go. Fada wants to

control everything but at the same time, play the " pity me " card. He

pretends he can care for the 2 of them and he's independent and strong yet

tells his sad song and dance to any who will listen.

Laurie

In a message dated 1/7/2011 9:07:06 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

coraliebilly@... writes:

Hi Annie,

Thank you for your reply. Yes, there are definitely some Narcissitic

Personality Disorder traits in my Mom's behaviour. In fact, when I really

started to understand what was going on with her, I naturally started to read

about NPD, and I had so many lightbulbs moments.

NPD invades the whole family dynamic too, it's all about my Mom. She's

like the little kid in the house.

Then later, and with the advice of my therapist, I started reading on

Borderline Personality Disorder. It took me a while to accept that this is my

Mom, because, let's face it, it's some scary stuff.

But yeah, it is my belief now that she has BPD. And my Mom IS scary, and

has always been scary anyway.

Annie, you wrote : " I think the hardest bpd behaviors of all to cope with

as an adult is when the borderline parent becomes child-like, frightened and

needy. " and this is something I totally agree with.

I grew up with a mostly queen /witch type of mother, very domineering,

yelling every day, and definitely did see the witch side of her, with the

physical abuse.

And now, just like in your case Annie, I feel like she switches it up, and

plays the " poor me " . She claims she is alone, her kid are too far, it's an

endless lists of complaints and needs.

It is really tough.

During our last episode that I described above, she did what she does

often, oscillating between being mean, yelling, pointing fingers, to being like

a needy child who needs love and attention, in a scary way.

When she started screaming at me, well, more like raging, it was easy for

me. I started exiting the bedroom, I told her " no way I will take this

treatment from you " (which in itself was a HUGE accomplishment, I had never

done this before).

But then when she calmed down, I felt trapped again, with the needy child

in front of me, she looked like such a mess. I don't know exactly how or

when to walk away from that yet, without the guilt.

So I understand your difficulty Annie.

But I am determined to read more, and spend more time to find solutions

and tips that can work for me. I have " Surviving a Borderline Parent " by Roth

and Friedman, and look forward to reading it.

Thank you for your help Annie, for taking the time to write such a long

answer. My best to you, and a virtual hug to you too! ((((((Annie)))))

Coralie

> >

> > Dear Everyone,

> >

> > I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for

sharing their personal experience and also for supporting and helping

eachother out.

> > I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading

other member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any

answers myself.

> > I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely

gain wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my

gratitude.

> >

> > Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something

that happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> > I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently

live in the States.

> > Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and,

I guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the

phone and try to keep things casual.

> > I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my

parents' house for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very

high fever lasting almost the whole time.

> > During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but

not at us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> > Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas,

where we spent a few days.

> > A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was

approaching, I came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> > My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the

window. She turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was

red, she had been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally

surprised, since the diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She

proceeded

to tell me that she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents'

house (when I was sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't

help her enough, didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with

her etc etc.

> > I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to

see her so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new

makeup with her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG

freaking topic, her hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how

ugly

she felt, and how she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion

times with her over the years.

> > My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

> >

> > Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical,

telling me I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time

to connect between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her,

etc.

> > I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together,

that I didn't know where all that was coming from.

> > She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then

said that our relationship had never been good.

> > I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been

unhappy for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was

to blame for it.

> > I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> > Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's

job " .

> > I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really

pissed, and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are

superior and pretentious! " ...

> > I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick

a fight with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know

you'd like us to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I

don't want any drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go

smooth ok? "

> > She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to

rage at me, about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like

this, and I will go away " , as I was walking away.

> > My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as

I was getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm

down. Which she did, immediately.

> > I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was

just so painful, everything.

> > I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at

first tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like

a baby, telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that

maybe she loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't

let me go. I told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few

minutes like this, she calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room.

With a very heavy weight in my heart.

> > The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard

enough with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to

play the victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about

how not helpful and cold I was.

> > Thanks Mom.

> > It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote

another freaking novel here.

> >

> > Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this

bordeline behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and

" damaged "

from all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

> >

> > Thanks so much,

> >

> > Coralie

> >

>