Re: Self image assessment... bad person vs not thin...

[Guest guest]

What I'm discovering, as I mull over my reaction to how I looked in the mirror

yesterday is, I deeply believe that being fat makes me a bad person.

When I see myself as fat I feel 1) guilty; 2) unloveable; 3) ashamed; 4) I go

into denial and 5) I beat myself up. Which spirals into more negative

emotions/thought and denial around eating.

What I'm doing now when I catch sight of myself in the mirror and see that I'm

heavy (or think about or feel that I'm heavy) is remind myself that the

heaviness is a result of how I eat, not who I am. It is an outcome, not a

statement of my worthiness. It is neither good nor bad, it is an effect.

This almost feels like a tough love approach, but I'm trying to be reality

based about my weight.

I don't want to be 50/60 pounds overweight, not (simply) because of social

sanctions, but because even rolling over in bed at night is an effort. There

are other health repercussions, but my point is that I am overweight and I don't

want to be.

Dieting doesn't work however and therefore solution lies outside of restrictive

diet plans and fixed weight loss goals.

There is a strong emotional/belief component - as well as being out of touch

with my body and all that entails. Part is mental - part is physical. Both are

connected in more ways than I can know.

Oddly, or maybe of note, I tend to see myself as relativly trim in my minds eye.

I never see myself as fat; it's always the mirror that surprises me. (Or those

days when I truly am aware of being fat - and hating myself for it.)

Thus when I'm eating past full, while secretly believing I weigh considerably

less than I do, I'm essentially fooling myself. No wonder I'm shocked and

amazed when I see myself in the mirror. Sigh.

Well, this may not be a grand plan, but I think I need to take the heat off of

being fat in order to get more objective with my food... Something like that.

Sandarah

>

> Perhaps if this group were a video connected one, we could 'workshop' on body

image issues. But that probably would be uncomfortable for many anyway.

>

> I have been thinking about the terms I use when I think of my body. Heavy,

fat, dumpy, disproportionate, sagging, etc. are what usually pop up first.

Always negative, so that I can know where to 'work' on - aarrrghh! Like HOW can

I see 'how much I WEIGH'?!? There's no LED display built into my forehead nor

tape measure permanently affixed to my hips either. The numbers that a scale,

clothes size and even blood test results are only indicators, not absolute

border of 'good/bad' by which I ought to JUDGE my own self and body. And when I

feel (think) that others are seeing me in a negative way, is that 1) the truth

or 2) a reflection of THEIR wants/needs/self judgment??

>

> I've come to chose using comfort as my guideline, not an EXternal thing like

weight (from a scale). I also have given good thought to what my body IS and how

it (me really) has and continues to function and support me in my life. What

could be so bad about that? And if my 'figure' isn't in the Hollyweird desirable

category should I kill myself in the process of forcing it into what it NEVER

will be? And why the heck must it?!?

>

> Diet demons have cousins - body boogie men! Time to tell them to Back the FAT

off too.

>

> Katcha

> IEing since March 2007

>