Re: Birthday email. She couldn't resist.

[Guest guest]

Agreed - hoover maneuver. I wouldn't reply. Nada is the reason god gave us a

delete key.

XOXO

On Tue, Jan 18, 2011 at 9:34 AM, Holly Byers

wrote:

> I can totally relate to the feeling you're having! Just remember you're

> feeling that way for a reason. You don't trust her, and you know she's

> trying to hoover you back in.

>

> As Doug and so many others on here say, " The only way to win is not to play

> the game. " So, since she has a pattern of sucking you back in, you have

> every right NOT to reply to that email, because you know it will give her

> " permission " to start abusing you again.

>

> So, my advice would be, don't reply to her at all. Just delete the email,

> ignore the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) and continue to enjoy your

> life

>

>

> Holly

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > So...my nada hasn't spoken to me since July because I have a relationship

> > with my dad. She said she wouldn't accept it and that she didn't want a

> > relationship with me until I " came to my senses " and stopped talking to

> him.

> >

> >

> > I refused to give in to her conditions. I told her I wish I could have

> both

> > parents in my life, but it is her choice if I don't. The conversation

> ended

> > terribly, and we havent spoken since. Add that to years of emotional

> abuse,

> > intermittent periods of NC and LC, 3 years of therapy, and well, you can

> add

> > up the sum of everything.

> >

> > Today is my birthday. Nada sent me an email, and before I even opened it

> > and I saw her name in my inbox, my heart just dropped. I'm shaking. My

> body

> > is reacting in the same way it always did when I was younger and afraid

> of

> > mom not loving me because of something i did/didn't do.

> >

> > All it said was " HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

> > LOVE.................MOM "

> >

> > I don't get it. She told ME that she wanted nothing to do with me.

> > what is she trying to do here? I've been entering the stage of acceptance

> > at not having a mom in my life, and as soon as I get comfortable with

> that,

> > she has to contact me. She's trying to suck me back in and I don't trust

> > her.

> >

> > I don't know if I should reply or not. I asked my husband what he thinks,

> > and he thinks I should reply as short as her email was and just say

> > something like " thanks, you too, love sara " . I'm afraid if I reply it

> might

> > provoke her to write back more and longer, with nasty stuff. I don't want

> > that.

> >

> > What should I do?

> >

> > And how sad is it that a simple Happy Birthday email from my mom is

> causing

> > all this anxiety?

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Agreed - hoover maneuver. I wouldn't reply. Nada is the reason god gave us a

delete key.

XOXO

On Tue, Jan 18, 2011 at 9:34 AM, Holly Byers

wrote:

> I can totally relate to the feeling you're having! Just remember you're

> feeling that way for a reason. You don't trust her, and you know she's

> trying to hoover you back in.

>

> As Doug and so many others on here say, " The only way to win is not to play

> the game. " So, since she has a pattern of sucking you back in, you have

> every right NOT to reply to that email, because you know it will give her

> " permission " to start abusing you again.

>

> So, my advice would be, don't reply to her at all. Just delete the email,

> ignore the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) and continue to enjoy your

> life

>

>

> Holly

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > So...my nada hasn't spoken to me since July because I have a relationship

> > with my dad. She said she wouldn't accept it and that she didn't want a

> > relationship with me until I " came to my senses " and stopped talking to

> him.

> >

> >

> > I refused to give in to her conditions. I told her I wish I could have

> both

> > parents in my life, but it is her choice if I don't. The conversation

> ended

> > terribly, and we havent spoken since. Add that to years of emotional

> abuse,

> > intermittent periods of NC and LC, 3 years of therapy, and well, you can

> add

> > up the sum of everything.

> >

> > Today is my birthday. Nada sent me an email, and before I even opened it

> > and I saw her name in my inbox, my heart just dropped. I'm shaking. My

> body

> > is reacting in the same way it always did when I was younger and afraid

> of

> > mom not loving me because of something i did/didn't do.

> >

> > All it said was " HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

> > LOVE.................MOM "

> >

> > I don't get it. She told ME that she wanted nothing to do with me.

> > what is she trying to do here? I've been entering the stage of acceptance

> > at not having a mom in my life, and as soon as I get comfortable with

> that,

> > she has to contact me. She's trying to suck me back in and I don't trust

> > her.

> >

> > I don't know if I should reply or not. I asked my husband what he thinks,

> > and he thinks I should reply as short as her email was and just say

> > something like " thanks, you too, love sara " . I'm afraid if I reply it

> might

> > provoke her to write back more and longer, with nasty stuff. I don't want

> > that.

> >

> > What should I do?

> >

> > And how sad is it that a simple Happy Birthday email from my mom is

> causing

> > all this anxiety?

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Agreed - hoover maneuver. I wouldn't reply. Nada is the reason god gave us a

delete key.

XOXO

On Tue, Jan 18, 2011 at 9:34 AM, Holly Byers

wrote:

> I can totally relate to the feeling you're having! Just remember you're

> feeling that way for a reason. You don't trust her, and you know she's

> trying to hoover you back in.

>

> As Doug and so many others on here say, " The only way to win is not to play

> the game. " So, since she has a pattern of sucking you back in, you have

> every right NOT to reply to that email, because you know it will give her

> " permission " to start abusing you again.

>

> So, my advice would be, don't reply to her at all. Just delete the email,

> ignore the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) and continue to enjoy your

> life

>

>

> Holly

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > So...my nada hasn't spoken to me since July because I have a relationship

> > with my dad. She said she wouldn't accept it and that she didn't want a

> > relationship with me until I " came to my senses " and stopped talking to

> him.

> >

> >

> > I refused to give in to her conditions. I told her I wish I could have

> both

> > parents in my life, but it is her choice if I don't. The conversation

> ended

> > terribly, and we havent spoken since. Add that to years of emotional

> abuse,

> > intermittent periods of NC and LC, 3 years of therapy, and well, you can

> add

> > up the sum of everything.

> >

> > Today is my birthday. Nada sent me an email, and before I even opened it

> > and I saw her name in my inbox, my heart just dropped. I'm shaking. My

> body

> > is reacting in the same way it always did when I was younger and afraid

> of

> > mom not loving me because of something i did/didn't do.

> >

> > All it said was " HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

> > LOVE.................MOM "

> >

> > I don't get it. She told ME that she wanted nothing to do with me.

> > what is she trying to do here? I've been entering the stage of acceptance

> > at not having a mom in my life, and as soon as I get comfortable with

> that,

> > she has to contact me. She's trying to suck me back in and I don't trust

> > her.

> >

> > I don't know if I should reply or not. I asked my husband what he thinks,

> > and he thinks I should reply as short as her email was and just say

> > something like " thanks, you too, love sara " . I'm afraid if I reply it

> might

> > provoke her to write back more and longer, with nasty stuff. I don't want

> > that.

> >

> > What should I do?

> >

> > And how sad is it that a simple Happy Birthday email from my mom is

> causing

> > all this anxiety?

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

SaraJo... you know better!

Just because SHE sends you something - short and w/out meaning to boot - does

NOT mean you are obligated to reply in any way, shape, or form. She sent you a

note. Period. Graciously accept it and let it go.

You are bright and lovely and your insticts are right on that a reply

constitutes a conversation, a dialogue. At that point, she WILL bring out the

laundry list and proceed to go down what a failure you are and how you BETRAYED

HER by developing a relationship with your own father (BTDT.)

Best therapy for the crazy dizzies? Create something pretty today. I find it

to be wonderful helpful for my own being to bring something lovely into the

world that wasn't there when I woke up... make jewelry, arrange flowers,

paint... and photograph it... bare witness to your creation and worth by sharing

the pics or giving the item to a friend. You are worthy to love, create and

share your beauty. Own it, babygirl.

Face it. Our Nada's are nuts. Don't give her any more power to make you crazy

too.

Love and giggles,

Lynnette

>

> So...my nada hasn't spoken to me since July because I have a relationship with

my dad. She said she wouldn't accept it and that she didn't want a relationship

with me until I " came to my senses " and stopped talking to him.

>

> I refused to give in to her conditions. I told her I wish I could have both

parents in my life, but it is her choice if I don't. The conversation ended

terribly, and we havent spoken since. Add that to years of emotional abuse,

intermittent periods of NC and LC, 3 years of therapy, and well, you can add up

the sum of everything.

>

> Today is my birthday. Nada sent me an email, and before I even opened it and I

saw her name in my inbox, my heart just dropped. I'm shaking. My body is

reacting in the same way it always did when I was younger and afraid of mom not

loving me because of something i did/didn't do.

>

> All it said was " HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

LOVE.................MOM "

>

> I don't get it. She told ME that she wanted nothing to do with me.

> what is she trying to do here? I've been entering the stage of acceptance at

not having a mom in my life, and as soon as I get comfortable with that, she has

to contact me. She's trying to suck me back in and I don't trust her.

>

> I don't know if I should reply or not. I asked my husband what he thinks, and

he thinks I should reply as short as her email was and just say something like

" thanks, you too, love sara " . I'm afraid if I reply it might provoke her to

write back more and longer, with nasty stuff. I don't want that.

>

> What should I do?

>

> And how sad is it that a simple Happy Birthday email from my mom is causing

all this anxiety?

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

SaraJo... you know better!

Just because SHE sends you something - short and w/out meaning to boot - does

NOT mean you are obligated to reply in any way, shape, or form. She sent you a

note. Period. Graciously accept it and let it go.

You are bright and lovely and your insticts are right on that a reply

constitutes a conversation, a dialogue. At that point, she WILL bring out the

laundry list and proceed to go down what a failure you are and how you BETRAYED

HER by developing a relationship with your own father (BTDT.)

Best therapy for the crazy dizzies? Create something pretty today. I find it

to be wonderful helpful for my own being to bring something lovely into the

world that wasn't there when I woke up... make jewelry, arrange flowers,

paint... and photograph it... bare witness to your creation and worth by sharing

the pics or giving the item to a friend. You are worthy to love, create and

share your beauty. Own it, babygirl.

Face it. Our Nada's are nuts. Don't give her any more power to make you crazy

too.

Love and giggles,

Lynnette

>

> So...my nada hasn't spoken to me since July because I have a relationship with

my dad. She said she wouldn't accept it and that she didn't want a relationship

with me until I " came to my senses " and stopped talking to him.

>

> I refused to give in to her conditions. I told her I wish I could have both

parents in my life, but it is her choice if I don't. The conversation ended

terribly, and we havent spoken since. Add that to years of emotional abuse,

intermittent periods of NC and LC, 3 years of therapy, and well, you can add up

the sum of everything.

>

> Today is my birthday. Nada sent me an email, and before I even opened it and I

saw her name in my inbox, my heart just dropped. I'm shaking. My body is

reacting in the same way it always did when I was younger and afraid of mom not

loving me because of something i did/didn't do.

>

> All it said was " HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

LOVE.................MOM "

>

> I don't get it. She told ME that she wanted nothing to do with me.

> what is she trying to do here? I've been entering the stage of acceptance at

not having a mom in my life, and as soon as I get comfortable with that, she has

to contact me. She's trying to suck me back in and I don't trust her.

>

> I don't know if I should reply or not. I asked my husband what he thinks, and

he thinks I should reply as short as her email was and just say something like

" thanks, you too, love sara " . I'm afraid if I reply it might provoke her to

write back more and longer, with nasty stuff. I don't want that.

>

> What should I do?

>

> And how sad is it that a simple Happy Birthday email from my mom is causing

all this anxiety?

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sara Jo,

Yes, it is sad when an e-mail from a parent can generate such anxiety.

From the posts here and at other groups, the behavior you describe appears to be

a fairly common for those with bpd. The pwbpd (person with bpd) will have a

rage-tantrum and scream that she never wants to see or hear from you again and

cuts off all contact... then later will act as though nothing has happened.

First off, you do not have to respond right away, if at all. Its OK to wait and

take the time you need to process this development, first. The conditioned,

Pavlovian response that we must react *instantly* to whatever bpd mom (or nada)

wants or demands can be over-ridden.

How you handle this entirely depends on what *you* want.

If after reflecting on it for a while, if deep down you find you are a happier,

healthier, more rational, more serene person without your mother in your life

and wish to keep it that way, then, that's what works for you and that's OK.

Lots of us here find that unfortunately our mother or father is just too

actively hostile, malicious and toxic for us to be around safely and we've gone

No Contact either temporarily or permanently.

If on reflection you find that you do want to try resuming contact in a limited

way, then, that's what works for you and that's OK. Lots of us here find that

they need or want to remain in at least some contact with their pd parent. Some

mothers or fathers with bpd are only moderately or lightly affected by the

disorder and are not actively hostile and malicious, so some members figure out

ways of managing low contact with boundaries and consequences in place.

I think your anxiety response is something to " listen " to. If you're

experiencing a high level of anxiety at the mere thought of resuming contact,

then, that's something to really think about for a while.

-Annie

>

> So...my nada hasn't spoken to me since July because I have a relationship with

my dad. She said she wouldn't accept it and that she didn't want a relationship

with me until I " came to my senses " and stopped talking to him.

>

> I refused to give in to her conditions. I told her I wish I could have both

parents in my life, but it is her choice if I don't. The conversation ended

terribly, and we havent spoken since. Add that to years of emotional abuse,

intermittent periods of NC and LC, 3 years of therapy, and well, you can add up

the sum of everything.

>

> Today is my birthday. Nada sent me an email, and before I even opened it and I

saw her name in my inbox, my heart just dropped. I'm shaking. My body is

reacting in the same way it always did when I was younger and afraid of mom not

loving me because of something i did/didn't do.

>

> All it said was " HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

LOVE.................MOM "

>

> I don't get it. She told ME that she wanted nothing to do with me.

> what is she trying to do here? I've been entering the stage of acceptance at

not having a mom in my life, and as soon as I get comfortable with that, she has

to contact me. She's trying to suck me back in and I don't trust her.

>

> I don't know if I should reply or not. I asked my husband what he thinks, and

he thinks I should reply as short as her email was and just say something like

" thanks, you too, love sara " . I'm afraid if I reply it might provoke her to

write back more and longer, with nasty stuff. I don't want that.

>

> What should I do?

>

> And how sad is it that a simple Happy Birthday email from my mom is causing

all this anxiety?

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sara Jo,

Yes, it is sad when an e-mail from a parent can generate such anxiety.

From the posts here and at other groups, the behavior you describe appears to be

a fairly common for those with bpd. The pwbpd (person with bpd) will have a

rage-tantrum and scream that she never wants to see or hear from you again and

cuts off all contact... then later will act as though nothing has happened.

First off, you do not have to respond right away, if at all. Its OK to wait and

take the time you need to process this development, first. The conditioned,

Pavlovian response that we must react *instantly* to whatever bpd mom (or nada)

wants or demands can be over-ridden.

How you handle this entirely depends on what *you* want.

If after reflecting on it for a while, if deep down you find you are a happier,

healthier, more rational, more serene person without your mother in your life

and wish to keep it that way, then, that's what works for you and that's OK.

Lots of us here find that unfortunately our mother or father is just too

actively hostile, malicious and toxic for us to be around safely and we've gone

No Contact either temporarily or permanently.

If on reflection you find that you do want to try resuming contact in a limited

way, then, that's what works for you and that's OK. Lots of us here find that

they need or want to remain in at least some contact with their pd parent. Some

mothers or fathers with bpd are only moderately or lightly affected by the

disorder and are not actively hostile and malicious, so some members figure out

ways of managing low contact with boundaries and consequences in place.

I think your anxiety response is something to " listen " to. If you're

experiencing a high level of anxiety at the mere thought of resuming contact,

then, that's something to really think about for a while.

-Annie

>

> So...my nada hasn't spoken to me since July because I have a relationship with

my dad. She said she wouldn't accept it and that she didn't want a relationship

with me until I " came to my senses " and stopped talking to him.

>

> I refused to give in to her conditions. I told her I wish I could have both

parents in my life, but it is her choice if I don't. The conversation ended

terribly, and we havent spoken since. Add that to years of emotional abuse,

intermittent periods of NC and LC, 3 years of therapy, and well, you can add up

the sum of everything.

>

> Today is my birthday. Nada sent me an email, and before I even opened it and I

saw her name in my inbox, my heart just dropped. I'm shaking. My body is

reacting in the same way it always did when I was younger and afraid of mom not

loving me because of something i did/didn't do.

>

> All it said was " HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

LOVE.................MOM "

>

> I don't get it. She told ME that she wanted nothing to do with me.

> what is she trying to do here? I've been entering the stage of acceptance at

not having a mom in my life, and as soon as I get comfortable with that, she has

to contact me. She's trying to suck me back in and I don't trust her.

>

> I don't know if I should reply or not. I asked my husband what he thinks, and

he thinks I should reply as short as her email was and just say something like

" thanks, you too, love sara " . I'm afraid if I reply it might provoke her to

write back more and longer, with nasty stuff. I don't want that.

>

> What should I do?

>

> And how sad is it that a simple Happy Birthday email from my mom is causing

all this anxiety?

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sara Jo,

Yes, it is sad when an e-mail from a parent can generate such anxiety.

From the posts here and at other groups, the behavior you describe appears to be

a fairly common for those with bpd. The pwbpd (person with bpd) will have a

rage-tantrum and scream that she never wants to see or hear from you again and

cuts off all contact... then later will act as though nothing has happened.

First off, you do not have to respond right away, if at all. Its OK to wait and

take the time you need to process this development, first. The conditioned,

Pavlovian response that we must react *instantly* to whatever bpd mom (or nada)

wants or demands can be over-ridden.

How you handle this entirely depends on what *you* want.

If after reflecting on it for a while, if deep down you find you are a happier,

healthier, more rational, more serene person without your mother in your life

and wish to keep it that way, then, that's what works for you and that's OK.

Lots of us here find that unfortunately our mother or father is just too

actively hostile, malicious and toxic for us to be around safely and we've gone

No Contact either temporarily or permanently.

If on reflection you find that you do want to try resuming contact in a limited

way, then, that's what works for you and that's OK. Lots of us here find that

they need or want to remain in at least some contact with their pd parent. Some

mothers or fathers with bpd are only moderately or lightly affected by the

disorder and are not actively hostile and malicious, so some members figure out

ways of managing low contact with boundaries and consequences in place.

I think your anxiety response is something to " listen " to. If you're

experiencing a high level of anxiety at the mere thought of resuming contact,

then, that's something to really think about for a while.

-Annie

>

> So...my nada hasn't spoken to me since July because I have a relationship with

my dad. She said she wouldn't accept it and that she didn't want a relationship

with me until I " came to my senses " and stopped talking to him.

>

> I refused to give in to her conditions. I told her I wish I could have both

parents in my life, but it is her choice if I don't. The conversation ended

terribly, and we havent spoken since. Add that to years of emotional abuse,

intermittent periods of NC and LC, 3 years of therapy, and well, you can add up

the sum of everything.

>

> Today is my birthday. Nada sent me an email, and before I even opened it and I

saw her name in my inbox, my heart just dropped. I'm shaking. My body is

reacting in the same way it always did when I was younger and afraid of mom not

loving me because of something i did/didn't do.

>

> All it said was " HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

LOVE.................MOM "

>

> I don't get it. She told ME that she wanted nothing to do with me.

> what is she trying to do here? I've been entering the stage of acceptance at

not having a mom in my life, and as soon as I get comfortable with that, she has

to contact me. She's trying to suck me back in and I don't trust her.

>

> I don't know if I should reply or not. I asked my husband what he thinks, and

he thinks I should reply as short as her email was and just say something like

" thanks, you too, love sara " . I'm afraid if I reply it might provoke her to

write back more and longer, with nasty stuff. I don't want that.

>

> What should I do?

>

> And how sad is it that a simple Happy Birthday email from my mom is causing

all this anxiety?

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your advice.

I have decided I am going to reply to the email, and my reply will be as short

and sweet as her initial contact. If she continues to write back and try to

dredge stuff up, I simply won't reply to that stuff.

I'm looking at it as someone wishing you a happy birthday, and me just saying

thank you, and nothing more.

I'm going to be ok.

~Sara Jo

> >

> > So...my nada hasn't spoken to me since July because I have a relationship

with my dad. She said she wouldn't accept it and that she didn't want a

relationship with me until I " came to my senses " and stopped talking to him.

> >

> > I refused to give in to her conditions. I told her I wish I could have both

parents in my life, but it is her choice if I don't. The conversation ended

terribly, and we havent spoken since. Add that to years of emotional abuse,

intermittent periods of NC and LC, 3 years of therapy, and well, you can add up

the sum of everything.

> >

> > Today is my birthday. Nada sent me an email, and before I even opened it and

I saw her name in my inbox, my heart just dropped. I'm shaking. My body is

reacting in the same way it always did when I was younger and afraid of mom not

loving me because of something i did/didn't do.

> >

> > All it said was " HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

LOVE.................MOM "

> >

> > I don't get it. She told ME that she wanted nothing to do with me.

> > what is she trying to do here? I've been entering the stage of acceptance at

not having a mom in my life, and as soon as I get comfortable with that, she has

to contact me. She's trying to suck me back in and I don't trust her.

> >

> > I don't know if I should reply or not. I asked my husband what he thinks,

and he thinks I should reply as short as her email was and just say something

like " thanks, you too, love sara " . I'm afraid if I reply it might provoke her to

write back more and longer, with nasty stuff. I don't want that.

> >

> > What should I do?

> >

> > And how sad is it that a simple Happy Birthday email from my mom is causing

all this anxiety?

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your advice.

I have decided I am going to reply to the email, and my reply will be as short

and sweet as her initial contact. If she continues to write back and try to

dredge stuff up, I simply won't reply to that stuff.

I'm looking at it as someone wishing you a happy birthday, and me just saying

thank you, and nothing more.

I'm going to be ok.

~Sara Jo

> >

> > So...my nada hasn't spoken to me since July because I have a relationship

with my dad. She said she wouldn't accept it and that she didn't want a

relationship with me until I " came to my senses " and stopped talking to him.

> >

> > I refused to give in to her conditions. I told her I wish I could have both

parents in my life, but it is her choice if I don't. The conversation ended

terribly, and we havent spoken since. Add that to years of emotional abuse,

intermittent periods of NC and LC, 3 years of therapy, and well, you can add up

the sum of everything.

> >

> > Today is my birthday. Nada sent me an email, and before I even opened it and

I saw her name in my inbox, my heart just dropped. I'm shaking. My body is

reacting in the same way it always did when I was younger and afraid of mom not

loving me because of something i did/didn't do.

> >

> > All it said was " HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA. HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

LOVE.................MOM "

> >

> > I don't get it. She told ME that she wanted nothing to do with me.

> > what is she trying to do here? I've been entering the stage of acceptance at

not having a mom in my life, and as soon as I get comfortable with that, she has

to contact me. She's trying to suck me back in and I don't trust her.

> >

> > I don't know if I should reply or not. I asked my husband what he thinks,

and he thinks I should reply as short as her email was and just say something

like " thanks, you too, love sara " . I'm afraid if I reply it might provoke her to

write back more and longer, with nasty stuff. I don't want that.

> >

> > What should I do?

> >

> > And how sad is it that a simple Happy Birthday email from my mom is causing

all this anxiety?

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

First of all, Happpppy Birthday!!!!!!! =) I really do hope you have a

fantastic day and can get over that horrible feeling of your heart in your

stomach and the nada-jitters. I so understand what you mean. I had the

same exact feeling when my step sister contacted me last week. It's so not

fun, and you don't need that any day, especially not on your birthday.

I think the reason we feel that was is due to fear. It's been ingrained in

us that our BPD parent is frightening. As kids, we had no control over that

and I'm guessing you probably weren't allowed to express your emotions, so

yes... the fear can hit us like that. And it sucks.

I can't tell you what to do when it comes to replying to her or not. That

is absolutely your decision. But just remember, it is YOUR decision. You

do not have to reply if you don't want to, and if you do decide to reply,

you may say whatever you wish. I personally would suggest the short & sweet

route. If it does lead to more emails, remember - you don't have to say

anything you don't want to. You have a right to say that to her as well.

I've been NC with nada 20 months now. When her step daughter, my step

sister, contacted me last week I had that same reaction. Stomach dropped,

got jittery, nervous, pulse went up and I imagine my blood pressure did too.

I felt awful! I was so scared. I have told her repeatedly I don't want to

talk about nada but she continued so I sort of went LC with step sis. She

was talking about her health issues and said she hoped we had a nice

Christmas. So my reply was short & sweet. " Sorry to hear about your health

issues. Christmas was good, hope yours was too. " I didn't get dragged into

her health stuff and I won't tell her what's going on with me right now

(just had a hysterectomy last week). I am surprised she hasn't replied yet.

I wonder if she kinda gets the hint? I don't know.

But just remember, it's your right to do what's best for you and to feel

safe & secure. So only you can make that decision.

I hope you won't let this ruin your day. That may have been her intent (or

at least that's where my mind would go with it... could be wrong)... so go

out, have a nice dinner or something and do something special for you! =)

Mia

[Guest guest]

First of all, Happpppy Birthday!!!!!!! =) I really do hope you have a

fantastic day and can get over that horrible feeling of your heart in your

stomach and the nada-jitters. I so understand what you mean. I had the

same exact feeling when my step sister contacted me last week. It's so not

fun, and you don't need that any day, especially not on your birthday.

I think the reason we feel that was is due to fear. It's been ingrained in

us that our BPD parent is frightening. As kids, we had no control over that

and I'm guessing you probably weren't allowed to express your emotions, so

yes... the fear can hit us like that. And it sucks.

I can't tell you what to do when it comes to replying to her or not. That

is absolutely your decision. But just remember, it is YOUR decision. You

do not have to reply if you don't want to, and if you do decide to reply,

you may say whatever you wish. I personally would suggest the short & sweet

route. If it does lead to more emails, remember - you don't have to say

anything you don't want to. You have a right to say that to her as well.

I've been NC with nada 20 months now. When her step daughter, my step

sister, contacted me last week I had that same reaction. Stomach dropped,

got jittery, nervous, pulse went up and I imagine my blood pressure did too.

I felt awful! I was so scared. I have told her repeatedly I don't want to

talk about nada but she continued so I sort of went LC with step sis. She

was talking about her health issues and said she hoped we had a nice

Christmas. So my reply was short & sweet. " Sorry to hear about your health

issues. Christmas was good, hope yours was too. " I didn't get dragged into

her health stuff and I won't tell her what's going on with me right now

(just had a hysterectomy last week). I am surprised she hasn't replied yet.

I wonder if she kinda gets the hint? I don't know.

But just remember, it's your right to do what's best for you and to feel

safe & secure. So only you can make that decision.

I hope you won't let this ruin your day. That may have been her intent (or

at least that's where my mind would go with it... could be wrong)... so go

out, have a nice dinner or something and do something special for you! =)

Mia

[Guest guest]

Haha, hoover maneuver! I love it Girlscout. And amen to the delete key

comment.

Mia

On Tue, Jan 18, 2011 at 12:13 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

>

>

> Agreed - hoover maneuver. I wouldn't reply. Nada is the reason god gave us

> a

> delete key.

> XOXO

>

[Guest guest]

Haha, hoover maneuver! I love it Girlscout. And amen to the delete key

comment.

Mia

On Tue, Jan 18, 2011 at 12:13 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

>

>

> Agreed - hoover maneuver. I wouldn't reply. Nada is the reason god gave us

> a

> delete key.

> XOXO

>

[Guest guest]

I sent the email reply and here is what I said : " Thank you for the birthday

wish..I hope you are having a wonderful day, too.Love, Sara Jo "

That was about 2 hours ago. And if I know my nada (and I do!) she has been

checking her email every 5 seconds today to see if I wrote back. She hasn't

replied yet, so she is either not going to reply, or she isn't home to check her

email.

So far so good.

~SAra Jo.

>

> First of all, Happpppy Birthday!!!!!!! =) I really do hope you have a

> fantastic day and can get over that horrible feeling of your heart in your

> stomach and the nada-jitters. I so understand what you mean. I had the

> same exact feeling when my step sister contacted me last week. It's so not

> fun, and you don't need that any day, especially not on your birthday.

>

> I think the reason we feel that was is due to fear. It's been ingrained in

> us that our BPD parent is frightening. As kids, we had no control over that

> and I'm guessing you probably weren't allowed to express your emotions, so

> yes... the fear can hit us like that. And it sucks.

>

> I can't tell you what to do when it comes to replying to her or not. That

> is absolutely your decision. But just remember, it is YOUR decision. You

> do not have to reply if you don't want to, and if you do decide to reply,

> you may say whatever you wish. I personally would suggest the short & sweet

> route. If it does lead to more emails, remember - you don't have to say

> anything you don't want to. You have a right to say that to her as well.

>

> I've been NC with nada 20 months now. When her step daughter, my step

> sister, contacted me last week I had that same reaction. Stomach dropped,

> got jittery, nervous, pulse went up and I imagine my blood pressure did too.

> I felt awful! I was so scared. I have told her repeatedly I don't want to

> talk about nada but she continued so I sort of went LC with step sis. She

> was talking about her health issues and said she hoped we had a nice

> Christmas. So my reply was short & sweet. " Sorry to hear about your health

> issues. Christmas was good, hope yours was too. " I didn't get dragged into

> her health stuff and I won't tell her what's going on with me right now

> (just had a hysterectomy last week). I am surprised she hasn't replied yet.

> I wonder if she kinda gets the hint? I don't know.

>

> But just remember, it's your right to do what's best for you and to feel

> safe & secure. So only you can make that decision.

>

> I hope you won't let this ruin your day. That may have been her intent (or

> at least that's where my mind would go with it... could be wrong)... so go

> out, have a nice dinner or something and do something special for you! =)

>

> Mia

>

>

>