Re: Another thread bites the dust...off topic a bit

[Guest guest]

>I myself was subjected to unrealistic, perfectionistic standards of

>achievement

>that I was not able to meet, and grew up feeling like a failure, >unworthy to

>occupy space, and a great disappointment to my parents who >nevertheless fed me

>and clothed me even though I didn't deserve it. So I know personally >what kind

>of damage that does (can you say " trauma-bonding " ?) and guess what?

>Perfectionistic, rigid, rule-obsessed, tyrannical, manipulative, >punitive,

>superiority-worshipping behaviors ARE almost literally the >diagnostic criteria

>or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder and narcissistic pd.

Annie,

I am very grateful for this group. I am especially grateful to the posts

that you have written and I have gained a lot of HELP.

Knowing that you came from the same kind of FOO that I did helps me to

understand why I relate so much to you. I remember banging my head wishing that

I just didn't exist...since i was sooo unworthy.

Along with BPD and a fada (preacher) NPD....I had a lot of spiritual abuse.

I wonder how many here suffer from this. It is the association of this and

them ...clothing themselves in symbols of power that they don't naturally

possess but have to steal to illuminate themselves. I have a lot of problems

with all this association...association with God, with holidays, with special

activities that I like they they developed in order to have a hook...

How do you disassociate from these things. How do you take your life back?

What does that mean to you? How do you enjoy holidays without letting them

" in " . How do you get revenge by LIVING YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. I just feel

so dragged down. I have soooo many wonderful things in my life, I want to enjoy

everything with out FOG. How do you do this? What does it mean for you to work

on a memory and process it so it doesn't debilitate you...you are not

emotionally effected by it?

Becky

[Guest guest]

>I myself was subjected to unrealistic, perfectionistic standards of

>achievement

>that I was not able to meet, and grew up feeling like a failure, >unworthy to

>occupy space, and a great disappointment to my parents who >nevertheless fed me

>and clothed me even though I didn't deserve it. So I know personally >what kind

>of damage that does (can you say " trauma-bonding " ?) and guess what?

>Perfectionistic, rigid, rule-obsessed, tyrannical, manipulative, >punitive,

>superiority-worshipping behaviors ARE almost literally the >diagnostic criteria

>or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder and narcissistic pd.

Annie,

I am very grateful for this group. I am especially grateful to the posts

that you have written and I have gained a lot of HELP.

Knowing that you came from the same kind of FOO that I did helps me to

understand why I relate so much to you. I remember banging my head wishing that

I just didn't exist...since i was sooo unworthy.

Along with BPD and a fada (preacher) NPD....I had a lot of spiritual abuse.

I wonder how many here suffer from this. It is the association of this and

them ...clothing themselves in symbols of power that they don't naturally

possess but have to steal to illuminate themselves. I have a lot of problems

with all this association...association with God, with holidays, with special

activities that I like they they developed in order to have a hook...

How do you disassociate from these things. How do you take your life back?

What does that mean to you? How do you enjoy holidays without letting them

" in " . How do you get revenge by LIVING YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. I just feel

so dragged down. I have soooo many wonderful things in my life, I want to enjoy

everything with out FOG. How do you do this? What does it mean for you to work

on a memory and process it so it doesn't debilitate you...you are not

emotionally effected by it?

Becky

[Guest guest]

Isn't it strange how we marry the abusive parents thereby creating the same

issues for our children? I guess not strange but the repitition compulsion

because the abuse isn't resolved before we have children right?

Felicia Ward

Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You

can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let

the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to

compromise. 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, January 16, 2011 10:37:49 AM

Subject: Re: Another thread bites the dust...off topic a bit

 

>I myself was subjected to unrealistic, perfectionistic standards of

>achievement

>that I was not able to meet, and grew up feeling like a failure, >unworthy to

>occupy space, and a great disappointment to my parents who >nevertheless fed me

>and clothed me even though I didn't deserve it. So I know personally >what kind

>of damage that does (can you say " trauma-bonding " ?) and guess what?

>Perfectionistic, rigid, rule-obsessed, tyrannical, manipulative, >punitive,

>superiority-worshipping behaviors ARE almost literally the >diagnostic criteria

>or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder and narcissistic pd.

Annie,

I am very grateful for this group. I am especially grateful to the posts that

you have written and I have gained a lot of HELP.

Knowing that you came from the same kind of FOO that I did helps me to

understand why I relate so much to you. I remember banging my head wishing that

I just didn't exist...since i was sooo unworthy.

Along with BPD and a fada (preacher) NPD....I had a lot of spiritual abuse. I

wonder how many here suffer from this. It is the association of this and them

....clothing themselves in symbols of power that they don't naturally possess but

have to steal to illuminate themselves. I have a lot of problems with all this

association...association with God, with holidays, with special activities that

I like they they developed in order to have a hook...

How do you disassociate from these things. How do you take your life back? What

does that mean to you? How do you enjoy holidays without letting them " in " . How

do you get revenge by LIVING YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. I just feel so dragged

down. I have soooo many wonderful things in my life, I want to enjoy everything

with out FOG. How do you do this? What does it mean for you to work on a memory

and process it so it doesn't debilitate you...you are not emotionally effected

by it?

Becky

[Guest guest]

Isn't it strange how we marry the abusive parents thereby creating the same

issues for our children? I guess not strange but the repitition compulsion

because the abuse isn't resolved before we have children right?

Felicia Ward

Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You

can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let

the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to

compromise. 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, January 16, 2011 10:37:49 AM

Subject: Re: Another thread bites the dust...off topic a bit

 

>I myself was subjected to unrealistic, perfectionistic standards of

>achievement

>that I was not able to meet, and grew up feeling like a failure, >unworthy to

>occupy space, and a great disappointment to my parents who >nevertheless fed me

>and clothed me even though I didn't deserve it. So I know personally >what kind

>of damage that does (can you say " trauma-bonding " ?) and guess what?

>Perfectionistic, rigid, rule-obsessed, tyrannical, manipulative, >punitive,

>superiority-worshipping behaviors ARE almost literally the >diagnostic criteria

>or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder and narcissistic pd.

Annie,

I am very grateful for this group. I am especially grateful to the posts that

you have written and I have gained a lot of HELP.

Knowing that you came from the same kind of FOO that I did helps me to

understand why I relate so much to you. I remember banging my head wishing that

I just didn't exist...since i was sooo unworthy.

Along with BPD and a fada (preacher) NPD....I had a lot of spiritual abuse. I

wonder how many here suffer from this. It is the association of this and them

....clothing themselves in symbols of power that they don't naturally possess but

have to steal to illuminate themselves. I have a lot of problems with all this

association...association with God, with holidays, with special activities that

I like they they developed in order to have a hook...

How do you disassociate from these things. How do you take your life back? What

does that mean to you? How do you enjoy holidays without letting them " in " . How

do you get revenge by LIVING YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. I just feel so dragged

down. I have soooo many wonderful things in my life, I want to enjoy everything

with out FOG. How do you do this? What does it mean for you to work on a memory

and process it so it doesn't debilitate you...you are not emotionally effected

by it?

Becky

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky,

I'm glad my posts resonate with you. I'm not at the end of my journey, either.

Like you, I'm still processing and integrating unresolved trauma and damage.

The only real progress I've made in the last few years was deciding that I

needed to be in No Contact with my nada; I was finally able to recognize that

remaining in contact with her was literally making me ill. I hope to work past

this, though, eventually.

I'm still angry, but I'm less angry than I used to be a couple of years ago.

And I guess peace, healing, and happiness are relative to each individual. I'm

working in my chosen field as a freelancer, I'm earning enough to live on. I

have some lovely friends and fun activities I enjoy, and I have my wonderful

Sister. I feel blessed!

I've always been a " the glass is half-full " type of person, so, I deal with

bouts of sadness, self-pity, anxiety, and negativity by just focusing on being

thankful for the good things I *do* have.

The hard part is unburdening yourself of misplaced and inappropriate guilt.

This is like trying to swim up a waterfall because we as human beings are

genetically hard-wired to feel attached and loyal to our parents, even when

they're actively harmful to us. And on top of that there is

cultural/societal/historic pressure for adult children to support their parent

in old age. That's a lot of pressure to overcome.

I've dealt with that guilt by resolving to help support my nada financially if

and when her funds run out and she still needs assisted care or nursing care.

So I will do my humanitarian duty to help provide for nada's physical

well-being, but that doesn't mean I have to also be in communication with her.

And yet, now that I'm informed that nada is starting to hallucinate and the

hallucinations are frightening and upsetting to her, that makes me feel pity for

her. So, like I said, I'm still working on stuff too.

Plus, its always easier to offer advice to someone else than it is to actually

do that thing yourself, in person, in real time. For me, anyway. I wish I had

the strength of character and compassion to resume low-contact with my nada with

boundaries in place, but, I just can't. At least, not right now. For now, I

still need No Contact.

Anyway, we're all on this difficult journey together. I gain insight and

strength from reading the posts here, and I'm glad whenever something I

contribute can help a fellow KO. Thanks for sharing that with me.

-Annie

> Annie,

> I am very grateful for this group. I am especially grateful to the posts

that you have written and I have gained a lot of HELP.

> Knowing that you came from the same kind of FOO that I did helps me to

understand why I relate so much to you. I remember banging my head wishing that

I just didn't exist...since i was sooo unworthy.

> Along with BPD and a fada (preacher) NPD....I had a lot of spiritual

abuse. I wonder how many here suffer from this. It is the association of this

and them ...clothing themselves in symbols of power that they don't naturally

possess but have to steal to illuminate themselves. I have a lot of problems

with all this association...association with God, with holidays, with special

activities that I like they they developed in order to have a hook...

> How do you disassociate from these things. How do you take your life back?

What does that mean to you? How do you enjoy holidays without letting them

" in " . How do you get revenge by LIVING YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. I just feel

so dragged down. I have soooo many wonderful things in my life, I want to enjoy

everything with out FOG. How do you do this? What does it mean for you to work

on a memory and process it so it doesn't debilitate you...you are not

emotionally effected by it?

>

> Becky

>

[Guest guest]

I've heard two different theories regarding why those who grew up abused by

their parent(s) tend to wind up " marrying mommy/daddy " .

One is the theory you state: we are attracted to an abusive partner in an effort

to resolve what we could not resolve in childhood. If we can just be a better

person, work harder, give more, we can earn the love of " mommy/daddy " in the

form of our spouse. We couldn't fix the problem with our parent, so we try to

fix it with a " proxy " version of our parent.

The other theory is that when we grow up being chronically emotionally,

physically or even sexually abused by our parents, we come to associate abuse

with love, as though abuse is a way of showing love. Very sado-masochistic, and

very sad.

Either way, when we meet someone and have an instant deep attraction for that

person, its likely that this person is reminding us of our parents in some way.

As KOs, this is really unfortunate. Our subconscious is saying: " Wow, this man

is SO handsome, and he's cold and rejecting (or needy and clingy, or demanding

and bossy, or unpleasable and abusive) just like my mother/father... I think I'm

in LOVE! "

Those who were fortunate enough to have had more mentally healthy parents hear

their subconscious saying the same thing, but with different criteria: " Wow,

this man is SO handsome and he's smart and funny, or kind and hard-working, or

talented and exciting, just like my mother/father... I think I'm in LOVE! "

The mind and its workings is a fascinatingly labyrinthine conundrum.

(I love my new Thesaurus.)

-Annie

>

> Isn't it strange how we marry the abusive parents thereby creating the same

> issues for our children? I guess not strange but the repitition compulsion

> because the abuse isn't resolved before we have children right?

>

> Felicia Ward

[Guest guest]

Out of my BPD mom's 2 children:

1) My sister married another BPD. her life is hell, even with them both having

tons of therapy

2) I married another broken child, he was mostly neglected by his father and

made to feel worthless by his mom. After therapy & treatment for alcoholism

we've finally gotten to a good marriage.

> >

> > Isn't it strange how we marry the abusive parents thereby creating the same

> > issues for our children? I guess not strange but the repitition compulsion

> > because the abuse isn't resolved before we have children right?

> >

> > Felicia Ward

>

[Guest guest]

Out of my BPD mom's 2 children:

1) My sister married another BPD. her life is hell, even with them both having

tons of therapy

2) I married another broken child, he was mostly neglected by his father and

made to feel worthless by his mom. After therapy & treatment for alcoholism

we've finally gotten to a good marriage.

> >

> > Isn't it strange how we marry the abusive parents thereby creating the same

> > issues for our children? I guess not strange but the repitition compulsion

> > because the abuse isn't resolved before we have children right?

> >

> > Felicia Ward

>