Re: I SUCK at communication

[Guest guest]

Gibberish wrote:I am going to suck as a wife.

Naw. You've got way too much awareness to do that!

[Guest guest]

Gibberish wrote:I am going to suck as a wife.

Naw. You've got way too much awareness to do that!

[Guest guest]

Gibberish wrote:I am going to suck as a wife.

Naw. You've got way too much awareness to do that!

[Guest guest]

I went through (still going through) the exact same thing as a wife-to-be so

thank God for required intensive marriage counseling reqd by my archdiocese!

The counselor we had was a sister of mercy who made the FOCCUS quiz, and she

saw that dynamic in our relationship. DH would alwasy try to talk it out but

I would always freak out being a KO and all.

She told us that I need to practice talking things out. I had to set aside

my fear of anger, and we had to make sure to give each other time to say

what we need to say...no attacks allowed. Phrase it as an I statement and

not a You statement. " I feel scared when blah blah happens because blah

blah "

Instead of " you need to stop that! "

This validates our emotions without accidentally attacking our spouses

verbally. And it gives our SOs a chance to understand why we're this way,

and to work with us. Then the spouse can say an I statement back " I do blah

blah because blah blah: "

Then it sets up the framework for a healthy discussion. It takes practice

but now I'm much more able to discuss things with DH without literally

running away or going into extreme defensive mode (eg: verbal attacks). And

when I get overwhelmed with a discussion, I've learned to say: I need a

break. Can we talk later?

DH is used to talking right through a problem but I still can't do that all

the time, so he has learned that its okay to set aside a discussion and give

me time to think things over, evaluate my thoughts and rest, so I don't go

into defense mode. Its hard for him, but he's getting better at it.

And then we do have to revisit the discussion after a break as promised.

This has helped us SO much!! We hardly actually " fight " anymore, and our

heated discussions are so much shorter lived now!

so, maybe you guys can go to a marriage counselor to practice healthy

communication and discussions?

Holly

> The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since childhood

include social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism, extreeeeme sarcasm, and

major avoidance.

>

> Now, whenever I am going thru something, my fiance (like any normal,

caring person) will try to get me to talk about it. And I just shut him off.

I simply don't know how to illustrate for him the crazy world of my crazy

family. And then I start justifying cutting him off by recalling the times

that he has not understood me completely, even though I know that he's only

human, and how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my

dysfunctional household when they come from a perfectly normal home

environment?

>

> I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that rhymes...

>

> I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he says to me

b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I hate being that woman.

>

[Guest guest]

I went through (still going through) the exact same thing as a wife-to-be so

thank God for required intensive marriage counseling reqd by my archdiocese!

The counselor we had was a sister of mercy who made the FOCCUS quiz, and she

saw that dynamic in our relationship. DH would alwasy try to talk it out but

I would always freak out being a KO and all.

She told us that I need to practice talking things out. I had to set aside

my fear of anger, and we had to make sure to give each other time to say

what we need to say...no attacks allowed. Phrase it as an I statement and

not a You statement. " I feel scared when blah blah happens because blah

blah "

Instead of " you need to stop that! "

This validates our emotions without accidentally attacking our spouses

verbally. And it gives our SOs a chance to understand why we're this way,

and to work with us. Then the spouse can say an I statement back " I do blah

blah because blah blah: "

Then it sets up the framework for a healthy discussion. It takes practice

but now I'm much more able to discuss things with DH without literally

running away or going into extreme defensive mode (eg: verbal attacks). And

when I get overwhelmed with a discussion, I've learned to say: I need a

break. Can we talk later?

DH is used to talking right through a problem but I still can't do that all

the time, so he has learned that its okay to set aside a discussion and give

me time to think things over, evaluate my thoughts and rest, so I don't go

into defense mode. Its hard for him, but he's getting better at it.

And then we do have to revisit the discussion after a break as promised.

This has helped us SO much!! We hardly actually " fight " anymore, and our

heated discussions are so much shorter lived now!

so, maybe you guys can go to a marriage counselor to practice healthy

communication and discussions?

Holly

> The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since childhood

include social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism, extreeeeme sarcasm, and

major avoidance.

>

> Now, whenever I am going thru something, my fiance (like any normal,

caring person) will try to get me to talk about it. And I just shut him off.

I simply don't know how to illustrate for him the crazy world of my crazy

family. And then I start justifying cutting him off by recalling the times

that he has not understood me completely, even though I know that he's only

human, and how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my

dysfunctional household when they come from a perfectly normal home

environment?

>

> I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that rhymes...

>

> I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he says to me

b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I hate being that woman.

>

[Guest guest]

I went through (still going through) the exact same thing as a wife-to-be so

thank God for required intensive marriage counseling reqd by my archdiocese!

The counselor we had was a sister of mercy who made the FOCCUS quiz, and she

saw that dynamic in our relationship. DH would alwasy try to talk it out but

I would always freak out being a KO and all.

She told us that I need to practice talking things out. I had to set aside

my fear of anger, and we had to make sure to give each other time to say

what we need to say...no attacks allowed. Phrase it as an I statement and

not a You statement. " I feel scared when blah blah happens because blah

blah "

Instead of " you need to stop that! "

This validates our emotions without accidentally attacking our spouses

verbally. And it gives our SOs a chance to understand why we're this way,

and to work with us. Then the spouse can say an I statement back " I do blah

blah because blah blah: "

Then it sets up the framework for a healthy discussion. It takes practice

but now I'm much more able to discuss things with DH without literally

running away or going into extreme defensive mode (eg: verbal attacks). And

when I get overwhelmed with a discussion, I've learned to say: I need a

break. Can we talk later?

DH is used to talking right through a problem but I still can't do that all

the time, so he has learned that its okay to set aside a discussion and give

me time to think things over, evaluate my thoughts and rest, so I don't go

into defense mode. Its hard for him, but he's getting better at it.

And then we do have to revisit the discussion after a break as promised.

This has helped us SO much!! We hardly actually " fight " anymore, and our

heated discussions are so much shorter lived now!

so, maybe you guys can go to a marriage counselor to practice healthy

communication and discussions?

Holly

> The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since childhood

include social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism, extreeeeme sarcasm, and

major avoidance.

>

> Now, whenever I am going thru something, my fiance (like any normal,

caring person) will try to get me to talk about it. And I just shut him off.

I simply don't know how to illustrate for him the crazy world of my crazy

family. And then I start justifying cutting him off by recalling the times

that he has not understood me completely, even though I know that he's only

human, and how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my

dysfunctional household when they come from a perfectly normal home

environment?

>

> I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that rhymes...

>

> I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he says to me

b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I hate being that woman.

>

[Guest guest]

The first steps to solving a problem are identifying it and

admitting it exists. You've done that, so you're on your way.

Now you can work on changing your reactions. You can do it.

Have you told him you have a hard time talking about your

family? If not, I think you ought to. Then you might start out

talking about them and about what they did to you at times when

you're not going through something upsetting. Try to do it in a

situation where you feel safe and secure. He may never totally

understand what you went through, but if you can't give him a

chance to do so at all, he certainly won't understand you or why

you act the way you do. If he doesn't understand at least a

little, it will be very hard for him to work through this with

you. You don't have to spill it all out at once. Also remember

that he doesn't have to understand you completely all the time,

just accept that you are who you are.

You might also want to get some couples counseling with an

emphasis on communicating or find a class on effective

communication within a relationship. Since you didn't learn

effective ways of communicating from your family, having some

help to get started learning them now would probably help a lot.

This is something the two of you can work on together.

At 12:05 AM 01/10/2011 gibberish118 wrote:

>The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since

>childhood include social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism,

>extreeeeme sarcasm, and major avoidance.

>

>Now, whenever I am going thru something, my fiance (like any

>normal, caring person) will try to get me to talk about it. And

>I just shut him off. I simply don't know how to illustrate for

>him the crazy world of my crazy family. And then I start

>justifying cutting him off by recalling the times that he has

>not understood me completely, even though I know that he's only

>human, and how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my

>dysfunctional household when they come from a perfectly normal

>home environment?

>

>I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that

>rhymes...

>

>I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he

>says to me b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I

>hate being that woman.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

The first steps to solving a problem are identifying it and

admitting it exists. You've done that, so you're on your way.

Now you can work on changing your reactions. You can do it.

Have you told him you have a hard time talking about your

family? If not, I think you ought to. Then you might start out

talking about them and about what they did to you at times when

you're not going through something upsetting. Try to do it in a

situation where you feel safe and secure. He may never totally

understand what you went through, but if you can't give him a

chance to do so at all, he certainly won't understand you or why

you act the way you do. If he doesn't understand at least a

little, it will be very hard for him to work through this with

you. You don't have to spill it all out at once. Also remember

that he doesn't have to understand you completely all the time,

just accept that you are who you are.

You might also want to get some couples counseling with an

emphasis on communicating or find a class on effective

communication within a relationship. Since you didn't learn

effective ways of communicating from your family, having some

help to get started learning them now would probably help a lot.

This is something the two of you can work on together.

At 12:05 AM 01/10/2011 gibberish118 wrote:

>The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since

>childhood include social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism,

>extreeeeme sarcasm, and major avoidance.

>

>Now, whenever I am going thru something, my fiance (like any

>normal, caring person) will try to get me to talk about it. And

>I just shut him off. I simply don't know how to illustrate for

>him the crazy world of my crazy family. And then I start

>justifying cutting him off by recalling the times that he has

>not understood me completely, even though I know that he's only

>human, and how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my

>dysfunctional household when they come from a perfectly normal

>home environment?

>

>I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that

>rhymes...

>

>I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he

>says to me b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I

>hate being that woman.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

The first steps to solving a problem are identifying it and

admitting it exists. You've done that, so you're on your way.

Now you can work on changing your reactions. You can do it.

Have you told him you have a hard time talking about your

family? If not, I think you ought to. Then you might start out

talking about them and about what they did to you at times when

you're not going through something upsetting. Try to do it in a

situation where you feel safe and secure. He may never totally

understand what you went through, but if you can't give him a

chance to do so at all, he certainly won't understand you or why

you act the way you do. If he doesn't understand at least a

little, it will be very hard for him to work through this with

you. You don't have to spill it all out at once. Also remember

that he doesn't have to understand you completely all the time,

just accept that you are who you are.

You might also want to get some couples counseling with an

emphasis on communicating or find a class on effective

communication within a relationship. Since you didn't learn

effective ways of communicating from your family, having some

help to get started learning them now would probably help a lot.

This is something the two of you can work on together.

At 12:05 AM 01/10/2011 gibberish118 wrote:

>The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since

>childhood include social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism,

>extreeeeme sarcasm, and major avoidance.

>

>Now, whenever I am going thru something, my fiance (like any

>normal, caring person) will try to get me to talk about it. And

>I just shut him off. I simply don't know how to illustrate for

>him the crazy world of my crazy family. And then I start

>justifying cutting him off by recalling the times that he has

>not understood me completely, even though I know that he's only

>human, and how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my

>dysfunctional household when they come from a perfectly normal

>home environment?

>

>I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that

>rhymes...

>

>I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he

>says to me b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I

>hate being that woman.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

>

> The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since childhood include

social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism, extreeeeme sarcasm, and major

avoidance.

>

Hey, I can relate to that! I bet we all can. We were taught that our feelings

were unimportant and wrong, and that it was dangerous to show them, especially

to the people we cared about. I still sometimes catch myself holding back from

my husband about something important to me because I (wrongly) assume that he

will be annoyed to hear it again or react badly. Then I realize that it's

because of my uBPDm, that he loves me and isn't going to criticize me or yell at

me. *sigh* Just part of the trauma. I step back and examine those feelings

now, and replace the unhelpful thoughts with true ones.

I agree that counseling was tremendously helpful for me as an individual, and

for my marriage the few times my husband joined me for my sessions. I think it

would be great if premarital counseling was a requirement for everyone! It's

not just for people who are having problems or are on the verge of splitting

up...marriage is work, no matter what, and it can really help to have someone

else give you pointers about ways to communicate better with your spouse. So,

my recommendation is that you guys find a LMFT or someone else with a lot of

experience, preferably someone who also understands how to work with KOs/pwBPD.

>

> I am going to suck as a wife.

That sounds like a thought that needs to be challenged. Where did it come from?

Is it really true? Again, a therapist will be a great resource for learning to

replace thoughts like those with helpful ones.

I wish you the best in your recovery and your marriage!

[Guest guest]

>

> The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since childhood include

social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism, extreeeeme sarcasm, and major

avoidance.

>

Hey, I can relate to that! I bet we all can. We were taught that our feelings

were unimportant and wrong, and that it was dangerous to show them, especially

to the people we cared about. I still sometimes catch myself holding back from

my husband about something important to me because I (wrongly) assume that he

will be annoyed to hear it again or react badly. Then I realize that it's

because of my uBPDm, that he loves me and isn't going to criticize me or yell at

me. *sigh* Just part of the trauma. I step back and examine those feelings

now, and replace the unhelpful thoughts with true ones.

I agree that counseling was tremendously helpful for me as an individual, and

for my marriage the few times my husband joined me for my sessions. I think it

would be great if premarital counseling was a requirement for everyone! It's

not just for people who are having problems or are on the verge of splitting

up...marriage is work, no matter what, and it can really help to have someone

else give you pointers about ways to communicate better with your spouse. So,

my recommendation is that you guys find a LMFT or someone else with a lot of

experience, preferably someone who also understands how to work with KOs/pwBPD.

>

> I am going to suck as a wife.

That sounds like a thought that needs to be challenged. Where did it come from?

Is it really true? Again, a therapist will be a great resource for learning to

replace thoughts like those with helpful ones.

I wish you the best in your recovery and your marriage!

[Guest guest]

May I suggest a book that I have found helpful? I have also used it in

mentoring married and about to be married couples to deal with some of

the stuff in their relationships.

It is

The DNA of Relationships , by Dr Smalley

One of the things he has a couple do, and you and your fiance can work

on this, you need not wait till married, is defining your Dance.

Something in you triggers a certain response, ( fear, rejection, feeling

of inadequacy ect, ) and you respond to that feeling inside, rather than

to the actual Event you seem to be responding to. He in turn , has one

of his internal triggers pulled by your reaction, and he responds

according to his internal wiring. And round and round you go, dancing

your Fear dance.

A lot of things get said or done that have NO bearing on the fact that

you wanted to stay home and he wanted to go out, and then when he gave

in and did it your way, you felt guilty at not giving in, so lashed out

at him for doing it just to keep you quiet.

You wrote,

> how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my dysfunctional

household when they come from a perfectly normal home environment?

>

> I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that rhymes...

>

> I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he says to

me b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I hate being that

woman.

Dr Smalley helps you identify your dances. Once you know what they are,

and what forces are at work in you, you can begin to change the Dance

into a loving and affirming one. You can get free of the Nada baggage.

The healthy dance looks something like this. A woman mostly desires to

feel loved. A man mostly desires to be respected. As she shows him

respect, he shows her love. As he shows her love, she shows him

respect.

You can change your dance. And it is worth the effort.

Obviously he loves the woman you are. And you can change " being that

woman. " It takes work, but there is help. And I doubt that a woman

aware of her emotional frailties as you are, and desirous of Not being

that woman, is going to suck as a wife.

You are a KO. That comes with a lot of baggage. But you can change,

and heal, and grow. You might also consider finding a therapist if you

have not, or someone who does pre marital mentoring, for more help in

addressing your stuff. At least you know you have it NOW, not after

dragging 25 years of your dysfunctional FOO background into your

marriage.

Blessings

May we all heal.

>

Doug

[Guest guest]

May I suggest a book that I have found helpful? I have also used it in

mentoring married and about to be married couples to deal with some of

the stuff in their relationships.

It is

The DNA of Relationships , by Dr Smalley

One of the things he has a couple do, and you and your fiance can work

on this, you need not wait till married, is defining your Dance.

Something in you triggers a certain response, ( fear, rejection, feeling

of inadequacy ect, ) and you respond to that feeling inside, rather than

to the actual Event you seem to be responding to. He in turn , has one

of his internal triggers pulled by your reaction, and he responds

according to his internal wiring. And round and round you go, dancing

your Fear dance.

A lot of things get said or done that have NO bearing on the fact that

you wanted to stay home and he wanted to go out, and then when he gave

in and did it your way, you felt guilty at not giving in, so lashed out

at him for doing it just to keep you quiet.

You wrote,

> how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my dysfunctional

household when they come from a perfectly normal home environment?

>

> I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that rhymes...

>

> I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he says to

me b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I hate being that

woman.

Dr Smalley helps you identify your dances. Once you know what they are,

and what forces are at work in you, you can begin to change the Dance

into a loving and affirming one. You can get free of the Nada baggage.

The healthy dance looks something like this. A woman mostly desires to

feel loved. A man mostly desires to be respected. As she shows him

respect, he shows her love. As he shows her love, she shows him

respect.

You can change your dance. And it is worth the effort.

Obviously he loves the woman you are. And you can change " being that

woman. " It takes work, but there is help. And I doubt that a woman

aware of her emotional frailties as you are, and desirous of Not being

that woman, is going to suck as a wife.

You are a KO. That comes with a lot of baggage. But you can change,

and heal, and grow. You might also consider finding a therapist if you

have not, or someone who does pre marital mentoring, for more help in

addressing your stuff. At least you know you have it NOW, not after

dragging 25 years of your dysfunctional FOO background into your

marriage.

Blessings

May we all heal.

>

Doug

[Guest guest]

I have been married to a normal (not BP) for 38 years. The pattern of my BP-KO

family didn't come clear to me until I found this website and read all the

books. I felt an enormous tidal wave of healing and validation, and desperately

needed to talk about it. I talked to DH until he got sick of it and told me to

knock it off. He said I was Obsessed. So I stopped sharing with him and went

on these message boards. Here I was safe to share as much as I needed to. I

don't blame DH. Normals don't understand. I needed to sort through a lot of

detritus and muck. I needed to do it with people who understood and who would

help point me in a healthy direction where I wouldn't end up being like my Nada,

a major fear. I didn't want my kids to hate me the way I hated my Nada. I'm

about 10 years into healing and recovery. My Fibromyalgia has totally

disappeared. My kids turned out superb. The insanity still plays in my head

every single day, but I think I stopped it from spreading down the generations.

My kids won't be haunted like I am. And I'm learning to ignore the nada-tapes.

They may never stop, but they have no power over me any more.

Tina

> >The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since

> >childhood include social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism,

> >extreeeeme sarcasm, and major avoidance.

> >

> >Now, whenever I am going thru something, my fiance (like any

> >normal, caring person) will try to get me to talk about it. And

> >I just shut him off. I simply don't know how to illustrate for

> >him the crazy world of my crazy family. And then I start

> >justifying cutting him off by recalling the times that he has

> >not understood me completely, even though I know that he's only

> >human, and how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my

> >dysfunctional household when they come from a perfectly normal

> >home environment?

> >

> >I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that

> >rhymes...

> >

> >I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he

> >says to me b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I

> >hate being that woman.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Tina, that was really profound in my opinion! I wanted to comment and let

you know I can relate to your fear of being like your nada. I've also had

that fear. But I also know because of the way I interact with my future

step kids that I AM NOT her.

But yep, that has been a fear in my journey as well.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Tina, that was really profound in my opinion! I wanted to comment and let

you know I can relate to your fear of being like your nada. I've also had

that fear. But I also know because of the way I interact with my future

step kids that I AM NOT her.

But yep, that has been a fear in my journey as well.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Hey Doug,

I just got on half.com to order this and some of the others you recommended by

Cloud and Townsend. If I have time to read that dry master's text for career

counseling, I can certainly help myself and my family by reading some of this

good stuff.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

p.s. You helped my marriage today just by explaining the basics of that fear

dance. I was doing that and can see how I react angrily when I feel rejected -

which is often as a kid of a BPD. I have learned to wait a while and let the

feelings pass, a first step for me. But I want to do better for my husband but

also for myself. Tired of reacting to triggers like a mindless idiot.

>

> May I suggest a book that I have found helpful? I have also used it in

> mentoring married and about to be married couples to deal with some of

> the stuff in their relationships.

>

> It is

>

> The DNA of Relationships , by Dr Smalley

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Doug,

I just got on half.com to order this and some of the others you recommended by

Cloud and Townsend. If I have time to read that dry master's text for career

counseling, I can certainly help myself and my family by reading some of this

good stuff.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

p.s. You helped my marriage today just by explaining the basics of that fear

dance. I was doing that and can see how I react angrily when I feel rejected -

which is often as a kid of a BPD. I have learned to wait a while and let the

feelings pass, a first step for me. But I want to do better for my husband but

also for myself. Tired of reacting to triggers like a mindless idiot.

>

> May I suggest a book that I have found helpful? I have also used it in

> mentoring married and about to be married couples to deal with some of

> the stuff in their relationships.

>

> It is

>

> The DNA of Relationships , by Dr Smalley

>

[Guest guest]

I am so late reading this original email, but wow?! I am not sure why I keep

having the light bulb effect, but all of the fleas discussed in this post are

classic me too. I love this group!!!!! :-D

My new guy friend and I had our first disagreement this past weekend and what

did I do, I shut down, wouldn't talk to him, left his mom's birthday party and

literally walked sullen to my car while he stood watching me walk away. He has

been reprimanding me and teasing me, all gently, since then, but now I know why

I acted that way with him (because I couldn't explain it myself! I just knew I

did it.) and I certainly know it came from the classic communication pattern in

my FOO and the inability to actually talk with my Nada. As a child, there is no

talking to a Fada or Nada. I had no opinion, etc.

I am with you sucking at communication, but I also join with you in trying to

get better at it to possibly have a healthy relationship. Can you imagine how

angry that'll make Nada & Fada's? It's hard to even say healthy relationship,

but that is exactly what I want and deserve! I believe we all deserve the same.

I have read all the beautiful responses in this chain. Thank you for the

original post and all responses. This group helps me feel actually, dare I say,

normal.

Latasha

[Guest guest]

I am so late reading this original email, but wow?! I am not sure why I keep

having the light bulb effect, but all of the fleas discussed in this post are

classic me too. I love this group!!!!! :-D

My new guy friend and I had our first disagreement this past weekend and what

did I do, I shut down, wouldn't talk to him, left his mom's birthday party and

literally walked sullen to my car while he stood watching me walk away. He has

been reprimanding me and teasing me, all gently, since then, but now I know why

I acted that way with him (because I couldn't explain it myself! I just knew I

did it.) and I certainly know it came from the classic communication pattern in

my FOO and the inability to actually talk with my Nada. As a child, there is no

talking to a Fada or Nada. I had no opinion, etc.

I am with you sucking at communication, but I also join with you in trying to

get better at it to possibly have a healthy relationship. Can you imagine how

angry that'll make Nada & Fada's? It's hard to even say healthy relationship,

but that is exactly what I want and deserve! I believe we all deserve the same.

I have read all the beautiful responses in this chain. Thank you for the

original post and all responses. This group helps me feel actually, dare I say,

normal.

Latasha

[Guest guest]

I am so late reading this original email, but wow?! I am not sure why I keep

having the light bulb effect, but all of the fleas discussed in this post are

classic me too. I love this group!!!!! :-D

My new guy friend and I had our first disagreement this past weekend and what

did I do, I shut down, wouldn't talk to him, left his mom's birthday party and

literally walked sullen to my car while he stood watching me walk away. He has

been reprimanding me and teasing me, all gently, since then, but now I know why

I acted that way with him (because I couldn't explain it myself! I just knew I

did it.) and I certainly know it came from the classic communication pattern in

my FOO and the inability to actually talk with my Nada. As a child, there is no

talking to a Fada or Nada. I had no opinion, etc.

I am with you sucking at communication, but I also join with you in trying to

get better at it to possibly have a healthy relationship. Can you imagine how

angry that'll make Nada & Fada's? It's hard to even say healthy relationship,

but that is exactly what I want and deserve! I believe we all deserve the same.

I have read all the beautiful responses in this chain. Thank you for the

original post and all responses. This group helps me feel actually, dare I say,

normal.

Latasha

[Guest guest]

Tina, you sound great; ten years......!  Wow!  Well, I guess I will try to stop

feeling so angry and frustrated at how long the grieving process is

taking........... " it is what it is " ..........*sigh*

Alastriona

Subject: Re: I SUCK at communication

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, January 10, 2011, 1:36 PM

I have been married to a normal (not BP) for 38 years.  The pattern of my BP-KO

family didn't come clear to me until I found this website and read all the

books.  I felt an enormous tidal wave of healing and validation, and desperately

needed to talk about it.  I talked to DH until he got sick of it and told me to

knock it off.  He said I was Obsessed.  So I stopped sharing with him and went

on these message boards.  Here I was safe to share as much as I needed to.  I

don't blame DH.  Normals don't understand.  I needed to sort through a lot of

detritus and muck.  I needed to do it with people who understood and who would

help point me in a healthy direction where I wouldn't end up being like my Nada,

a major fear.  I didn't want my kids to hate me the way I hated my Nada.  I'm

about 10 years into healing and recovery.  My Fibromyalgia has totally

disappeared.  My kids turned out superb.  The insanity still plays in my head

every single

day, but I think I stopped it from spreading down the generations.  My kids

won't be haunted like I am.  And I'm learning to ignore the nada-tapes.  They

may never stop, but they have no power over me any more.

Tina

> >The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since

> >childhood include social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism,

> >extreeeeme sarcasm, and major avoidance.

> >

> >Now, whenever I am going thru something, my fiance (like any

> >normal, caring person) will try to get me to talk about it. And

> >I just shut him off. I simply don't know how to illustrate for

> >him the crazy world of my crazy family. And then I start

> >justifying cutting him off by recalling the times that he has

> >not understood me completely, even though I know that he's only

> >human, and how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my

> >dysfunctional household when they come from a perfectly normal

> >home environment?

> >

> >I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that

> >rhymes...

> >

> >I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he

> >says to me b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I

> >hate being that woman.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

Tina, you sound great; ten years......!  Wow!  Well, I guess I will try to stop

feeling so angry and frustrated at how long the grieving process is

taking........... " it is what it is " ..........*sigh*

Alastriona

Subject: Re: I SUCK at communication

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, January 10, 2011, 1:36 PM

I have been married to a normal (not BP) for 38 years.  The pattern of my BP-KO

family didn't come clear to me until I found this website and read all the

books.  I felt an enormous tidal wave of healing and validation, and desperately

needed to talk about it.  I talked to DH until he got sick of it and told me to

knock it off.  He said I was Obsessed.  So I stopped sharing with him and went

on these message boards.  Here I was safe to share as much as I needed to.  I

don't blame DH.  Normals don't understand.  I needed to sort through a lot of

detritus and muck.  I needed to do it with people who understood and who would

help point me in a healthy direction where I wouldn't end up being like my Nada,

a major fear.  I didn't want my kids to hate me the way I hated my Nada.  I'm

about 10 years into healing and recovery.  My Fibromyalgia has totally

disappeared.  My kids turned out superb.  The insanity still plays in my head

every single

day, but I think I stopped it from spreading down the generations.  My kids

won't be haunted like I am.  And I'm learning to ignore the nada-tapes.  They

may never stop, but they have no power over me any more.

Tina

> >The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since

> >childhood include social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism,

> >extreeeeme sarcasm, and major avoidance.

> >

> >Now, whenever I am going thru something, my fiance (like any

> >normal, caring person) will try to get me to talk about it. And

> >I just shut him off. I simply don't know how to illustrate for

> >him the crazy world of my crazy family. And then I start

> >justifying cutting him off by recalling the times that he has

> >not understood me completely, even though I know that he's only

> >human, and how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my

> >dysfunctional household when they come from a perfectly normal

> >home environment?

> >

> >I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that

> >rhymes...

> >

> >I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he

> >says to me b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I

> >hate being that woman.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

Tina,

Im glad for you!

I would like to heal like this . I read 2 books, I'm on and off on this board

and also have fibromyalgia ( it gets worst when nada is with me like now).

M

> Tina, you sound great; ten years......! Wow! Well, I guess I will try to

stop feeling so angry and frustrated at how long the grieving process is

taking........... " it is what it is " ..........*sigh*

>

> Alastriona

>

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: I SUCK at communication

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Monday, January 10, 2011, 1:36 PM

>

> I have been married to a normal (not BP) for 38 years. The pattern of my

BP-KO family didn't come clear to me until I found this website and read all the

books. I felt an enormous tidal wave of healing and validation, and desperately

needed to talk about it. I talked to DH until he got sick of it and told me to

knock it off. He said I was Obsessed. So I stopped sharing with him and went

on these message boards. Here I was safe to share as much as I needed to. I

don't blame DH. Normals don't understand. I needed to sort through a lot of

detritus and muck. I needed to do it with people who understood and who would

help point me in a healthy direction where I wouldn't end up being like my Nada,

a major fear. I didn't want my kids to hate me the way I hated my Nada. I'm

about 10 years into healing and recovery. My Fibromyalgia has totally

disappeared. My kids turned out superb. The insanity still plays in my head

every single

> day, but I think I stopped it from spreading down the generations. My kids

won't be haunted like I am. And I'm learning to ignore the nada-tapes. They

may never stop, but they have no power over me any more.

> Tina

>

>

> > >The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since

> > >childhood include social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism,

> > >extreeeeme sarcasm, and major avoidance.

> > >

> > >Now, whenever I am going thru something, my fiance (like any

> > >normal, caring person) will try to get me to talk about it. And

> > >I just shut him off. I simply don't know how to illustrate for

> > >him the crazy world of my crazy family. And then I start

> > >justifying cutting him off by recalling the times that he has

> > >not understood me completely, even though I know that he's only

> > >human, and how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my

> > >dysfunctional household when they come from a perfectly normal

> > >home environment?

> > >

> > >I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that

> > >rhymes...

> > >

> > >I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he

> > >says to me b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I

> > >hate being that woman.

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

Tina,

Im glad for you!

I would like to heal like this . I read 2 books, I'm on and off on this board

and also have fibromyalgia ( it gets worst when nada is with me like now).

M

> Tina, you sound great; ten years......! Wow! Well, I guess I will try to

stop feeling so angry and frustrated at how long the grieving process is

taking........... " it is what it is " ..........*sigh*

>

> Alastriona

>

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: I SUCK at communication

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Monday, January 10, 2011, 1:36 PM

>

> I have been married to a normal (not BP) for 38 years. The pattern of my

BP-KO family didn't come clear to me until I found this website and read all the

books. I felt an enormous tidal wave of healing and validation, and desperately

needed to talk about it. I talked to DH until he got sick of it and told me to

knock it off. He said I was Obsessed. So I stopped sharing with him and went

on these message boards. Here I was safe to share as much as I needed to. I

don't blame DH. Normals don't understand. I needed to sort through a lot of

detritus and muck. I needed to do it with people who understood and who would

help point me in a healthy direction where I wouldn't end up being like my Nada,

a major fear. I didn't want my kids to hate me the way I hated my Nada. I'm

about 10 years into healing and recovery. My Fibromyalgia has totally

disappeared. My kids turned out superb. The insanity still plays in my head

every single

> day, but I think I stopped it from spreading down the generations. My kids

won't be haunted like I am. And I'm learning to ignore the nada-tapes. They

may never stop, but they have no power over me any more.

> Tina

>

>

> > >The defense mechanisms I have developed & solidified since

> > >childhood include social reservedness, stoic affect, cynicism,

> > >extreeeeme sarcasm, and major avoidance.

> > >

> > >Now, whenever I am going thru something, my fiance (like any

> > >normal, caring person) will try to get me to talk about it. And

> > >I just shut him off. I simply don't know how to illustrate for

> > >him the crazy world of my crazy family. And then I start

> > >justifying cutting him off by recalling the times that he has

> > >not understood me completely, even though I know that he's only

> > >human, and how the hell could anyone understand the rules of my

> > >dysfunctional household when they come from a perfectly normal

> > >home environment?

> > >

> > >I am going to suck as a wife. Damn this life! Hey, that

> > >rhymes...

> > >

> > >I feel sorry for him. He also is super careful about what he

> > >says to me b/c he can't predict when something will upset me. I

> > >hate being that woman.

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)