Re: Re: Gender attack ---- and how does nada choose the golden

January 21, 2011

With me, it's my stepmother's children.Â They could do no wrong.Â However, my

brother andÂ I were always bad.Â We still are " bad " .Â Both of us finally stood

up

to my dad and stepmom, so we take the flack.Â

Janet

Â

Â Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

Â In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Â Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

Â It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Fri, January 21, 2011 1:31:21 PM

Subject: Re: Gender attack ---- and how does nada choose the

" golden "

Â

My nada had 2 girls. My older half sis has always been the black sheep. I was

golden. This has changed back and forth only since I reached adulthood. She

hated my sis because she hated sis's dad. She's been more caring of my sis since

she was diagnosed with cancer in 2003 (which means I've been on the crap list a

lot).

If my nada has 2 animals, 1 is always bad and the other can do no wrong. Doesn't

matter if its boy or girl, I think the one less agreeable to her is chosen to

get abused.

My grandnada also had 2 girls. The oldest (my nada) was the hated child

supposedly because she was a surprise/forced marriage. The second child (my

aunt) was golden until the day the old crone died.

>

> So guys, i know I've brought this up before. And T and I are discussing it

> in an ongoing conversation. . . but did anyone else's nada hate them because

> of their gender?

>

> My FOO only had 2 living children. A boy and a girl (me). And nada said all

> the time in a sappy syrup voice " you are the baby girl I always wanted. "

>

> Finally in my 20s I responded to the baby girl I always wanted thing with,

> no, i don't think i am, I think that's a lie. And nada said, " Oh, you are

> right, I had something else in mind for a daughter, not so spiney, strong

> willed and bitchy. " Or something like that. And she never said that hated

> phrase to me again.

>

> My older brother was golden from the moment I came home from the hospital,

> just hours old. i was the family hero, caregiver, scapegoat, hated child,

> reject, odd man out, daddy's little helper, hostess, basically the real wife

> and mom role etc but never ever once was I golden. it sounds like a lot of

> nadas chage their minds about who is golden day to day. Mine didn't.

>

> I think a huge factor in me being painted black was simply my gender. Nada

> did not like other women. They were the competition. She didn't have " real "

> girlfriends. She had rescuers instead. She attacked my femininity at every

> turn. She tried to make me look and act like a boy.

>

> I think I confused my T when I said I think I have a gender identity

> problem. She thought I mean that I think I'm a man or something. No, no, I'm

> 100% woman, I'm as girly a girly girl as the come (except I love bugs and

> snakes and I'm not a pansy). But, the gender identity issue is with

> believing its not okay to be so feminine. That it makes you less than. That

> its a negative trait. Part of me knows its a wonderful trait, but the little

> girl deep inside is ashamed.

>

> And it doesn't help me at all when men sexually harass me at the office. Or

> when my boss can't stop touching my hair and telling me to brush it or

> confine it to a pony tail (I find that so unproffsional by the way). Or when

> my boss tells me I should wear pants and not let the world see my legs,

> which in the next breath she exclaims are beautiful (letting know that its

> jealousy talking, not professional decorum. (And by the way, I don't wear

> uber short or tight clothing to work. if I did I guess I could understand

> it. Even then, I'd prefer the quality of my work be the focus, rather than

> my legs.)

>

> My point is, I think we live in a strange world. You are damned if you are

> attractive. And you are damned if you are unattractive. And the fact that we

> are men who want to be women, women who want to be men, gay, straight,

> bisexual or just plain in a committed relationship for a long time (me)

> gives people material to attack. (And yes, I do come up against resistance

> and jealousy simply because i have a great relationship with my boyfriend.

> My T says it is uncommon and amazing that with my childhood i could form

> such a close and healing bond.)

>

> Why do they attack for any old trait? Why not save it for a missed deadline

> or a screwed up assignment or an unhappy customer? Or in the case of parents

> save it for gettng arrested, earning a " C " or " D " (I always got in trouble

> for Bs by the way, bugged the shit out of nada that I was a better student

> than her), getting pregnant at age 15, or needing to enter a rehab. Why

> attack a child who has done nothing but be female? But wait, I'm a model

> employee and my assignments are done on time and my clients are very

> happy. I was the same way as a kid, I had dinner on the table when dad got

> home from work, I always got in trouble for cleaning the house because I

> might move something of nada's, I worked hard and took care of everyone in

> the house. Well, that doesn't leave them much to pick on, does it? And it

> makes them feel more threatened because they are the boss or " mom " but can't

> do the job as well or with as little drama as I can and I don't even ask for

> the credit.

>

> UGH sometimes I hate people. . .

>

January 21, 2011

Girlscout, first of all, I think your boss's behavior toward you is

seriously inappropriate! That sends the creepy 'that's-no-good' shivers

down my spine. Ugh.

I was an only child, with exception of step siblings. However, nada didn't

really have step kids until I was in 7th grade. Her 2nd husband had an

older daughter who lived in England (where he was from).

I was constantly bounced back & forth from " good " to " bad " for a long time.

Then at some point I was just painted all " bad " .

My dad & step mom tell me all the time I was a really good & low maintenance

kid. I wasn't sneaking out, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs, having sex,

etc. Hell no, I was too afraid of nada to do any of the rebellious things

that most normal kids do. But I still wasn't good enough.

As for the gender thing, I can't say for sure if she hated me for being

female or not. I think I do have gender identity issues. I know I'm a

woman, and I'm attracted to men, but I feel very much like I should have

been a male. I also have severe issues with the way I look. I'm fat, but

not really really big. I usually use the word " chubby " or " heavy " . I don't

know. But, even with the fat issue aside, I HATE the way I look. I really

think I'm hideous. I know nada & step dad used to pick on me for my weight,

but I don't remember any specifics of being picked on for my looks. My ex

husband used to think nada probably did pick on me for my looks because of

how much I hate the way I look. I have no freaking clue. I do remember

kids picking on me for being ugly or whatever, but not my nada so much.

It's strange & probably bordering on psychotic... but I can't even begin to

tell you how relieved I am to have had this hysterectomy. Not just because

of the awful awful pain I was having, but now I can NOT reproduce (thank

GOD) and now that horrible part of me that made me that much more womanly is

gone. I feel like an utter nut saying it here.

I've often wondered - am I the only KO who had no desire to reproduce? I

know a lot of that came from my nada. But am I really the only one?

Mia

January 21, 2011