Re: F.A.T.

January 21, 2011

MY nada was and IS obsessed with my weight. Always has been.

When I was 8 she took me to our doctor so she would put me on diet pills

(amphetamines) because I was 5 lbs. overweight!! And HE gave them to her for

me!! They made me extremely nervous; jittery; moody; depressed; I would cry

over nothing and nada would laugh at me for it; couldn't concentrate in class

and couldn't sleep. Nada didn't care. Two weeks later she took me back to the

doctor to get me 'more pills if I needed them' which was a joke since when he

weighed me I was 10 pounds lighter and thus 5 lbs. UNDERWEIGHT for my large

sized frame. When he refused to give me more diet pills, she asked for them for

herself!

She monitored every little thing I put in my mouth and even at our annual

Christmas Eve party at a friend of my father's home she would 'make me a plate'

and not allow me to make one for myself. I was allowed ONE cookie all night

while the rest of the kids ate what they wanted.

She would weigh me every day first thing in the morning and when I got home from

school. On weekends it was three times a day! If I told her I didn't want to

get on the scale, she would hit me and say " I'M YOUR MOTHER and you do as I

SAY! "

She would weigh herself three times a day too right after she weighed me. When

she married my stepfather when I was 16 (my father threw her out when I was 2

weeks from being 16 because he caught her cheating on him with her boss who

became my stepfather), he would put her on the scale three times a day and if

she gained one pound, he didn't allow her to eat the next meal. Odd how he

tried to sexually attack me at the age of 19 even though I was a Size 13 then

and curvy but not skinny!

Now she constantly brings up my 'fat'.

I think all this 'fat' conversation has to do with not only control of course

but the fact that we are nothing more than an extension of THEM so we have to be

'perfect' in their eyes just as they are.

January 21, 2011

Wow... thank you... each of you. I haven't been able to tell SO about any of

this... too humiliating. And, even though he met Nada at Christmas (after

strategically avoiding her for almost a year) and saw how crazy she is, this

would break his heart. I don't know if I can ever tell him...

What I didn't mention here before are two more pieces of this... I guess I

didn't say anything because they're seemingly unrelated but now, after reading

your responses I think they're very important...

1) I never ate dinner in college. I was in the weight room - training hard (I

guess for her love when I " d go home for breaks?) for 2 hours, 7 days a week.

2) In my teens and early 20's I modeled for local companies... clothes. I

wasn't F.A.T. Not to anyone on the outside... just Nada.

3) When my weight DID go up (primarily because I was in an industrial accident

and was put on Prednisone for 2+ years and was told I would be dead w/in 2 years

(I was 25 at the time)) she gloated. And mocked.

4) When I got it back to 'decent' range... she still gloats because she's done

the 'poverty diet.'

Too many emotions. Too many people - never a shortage of men around me (whole

nuther nada flea....) but Nada has been the real self-esteem crusher.

Lynnette

>

> All my life I've been told I was fat by Nada. Sometimes I was. Most times I

wasn't. But it didn't matter. I was always F.A.T.

>

> One of the worst things Nada did to me (in that category) was, at the tender

self-conscious age of 15 (and years and years of regular sports playing which

gave me a hard muscular body on my broad frame) she forced my 152#, 5'8 " , 36C/

25 " waisted self into a FAT THERAPIST (she was seeing him because - gasp - she

weighed 140 and was 5'7 " ) and knew there was something horribly wrong with me

because (sob, sniff, sob) " NO MAN WILL EVER WANT A FAT CHICK OVER 150#... YOU

FIX HER. " I was mortified.

>

> I remember sitting there as she slammed the door. I remember the look on his

face as he tried to figure out what just happened. I remember that his office

was tan and the window was behind him and the sun hurt my eyes. I remember

being too afraid and ashamed to have ANY emotion about this. I just sat there.

>

> He " took my history. " We talked. He scheduled a 2nd appt. Nada was

villified by that. Smuggly, on the way home, she said, " I'll fix you... you

don't HAVE to be F.A.T! "

>

> I didn't dare cry.

>

> I remember the next visit lasted only a few minutes. He called her in. " XX I'm

not sure why she's here. There is nothing 'wrong' with her weight. It appears

the problem is yours. Take her home. Schedule an appointment with my

recpetionist for YOU next time. "

>

> Thank God!

>

> I don't know if she ever went back. I don't know what else was said. I just

remember thinking... someone saw through the cracks... a tiny ray of light shone

through and it would be many, many decades before the light came pouring

through... but someone saw it... and I still remember.

>

> Of course, as Nada's can't ever 'learn and move on'... I was met with zingers

like the following for years:

>

> Nothing in my closet fits today... I'm going into YOURS!

> Oh honey, don't wear THAT - you look HUGE!

>

> YOU can't wear a 2 piece... (incidently I was 130# that year.)

>

> If you don't lose some of your ass, he'll leave you. They always do.

>

> I'm glad you found someone to love you for your HEART. (implications obvious)

>

> What's it like to be so fat?

>

> Let's go shopping! You can dress ME to look thinner... you're the MASTER OF

DISGUISE (I refuse to shop with her anymore.)

>

> Do you really WANT to eat that?

>

> I've lost so much weight. When are YOU going to do it?

>

> Oh, you've lost weight! I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worried you would have a

heart attack and die.

>

> I've seen his ex-wifes pictures on Picassa, it looks like he's ok with FAT

women. (said 2 days ago)

>

> Sigh...

>

> Lynnette (hourglass and blonde and proud of it)

>

January 21, 2011

Hey Guys,

This all breaks my heart first off. My God, i can't believe these women. My

nada was much the same. I volunteer at an afterschool program, and I'll tell

you what, if anyone talked to my students the way these nadas talked to us,

I would end up in prison because I would kill them with my bare hands and

let my dogs at their dead bodies.

I grew up believing I was hideous. A couple of months ago my T asked me to

describe myself - I said " I picture the hunchback of notre dame. " Remember

that old movie with the guy with the deformed face and hump back. That's

what I see in my minds eye. The dude from gooonies also comes to mind. I

never heard a single positive comment about my appearance as a kid. In fact,

it wasn't until my divorce at age 28 that I heard anything nice at all even

once.

As a little girl, I looked a lot like Scout in the To Kill a Mockingbird

movie. Overalls or boy clothes, bowl hair cut ( I wanted long hair and

pierced ears), probably too chubby most of the time until about 8th grade

when I was old enough to take care of myself, but who wouldn't be living

with a mother who ate cookies, coke, potato chips and tootsie rolls in huge

quantities instead of meals. They dressed me like a boy, cut my hair almost

like a boy and hated me for being a girl. And my older brother screamed hit

and yelled at me about how fat and ugly I was. My parents didn't bathe me, i

barely had a working bathroom as a kid, my nada would refuse to do my

laundry in a passive aggressive way (yes I was the black one in the fam) and

most of my clothes were second hand (which now is a status symbol to wear

vintage, but as a child it was a mark of shame). I had a million weird

childhood diseases that could be prevented by good hygeine - impetigo,

excema, ticks, scabies etc etc No wonder I feel that way.

I showed T a picture of Scout at a recent session. She said, what a cute

little girl. I was stunned. I'd never ever ever ever even considered that I

may have been a cute kid. Wow. The first and only purely nice thing I've

ever heard about the little Girlscout.

And now, this is very very hard for me, but to describe myself now (as a kid

i would have had my face slapped if I said something nice about myself) - I

have a curvy, feminine figure (much more in style for the 50s than todays

standards), I'm pretty tall, I have fantastic legs and long thin arms and

hands, I have long, dark, shiny smooth straight hair, I have unusual

features and a strong profile. I'm fair complected and I avoid the sun like

crazy because I like the creamy vampire look ha ha. I'm not fat though I

feel fat. I wear a size 8, sometimes a 6. Its not small, but my figure is

very feminine. I wear dresses and skirts every day - even saturday - I think

I'm trying to make up for all those years when my mother dressed me like a

boy. When i smile at my friends the whole room lights up (I've seen this in

photos) and my boyfriend is an artist and almost everything he draws and

paints is my face. My T describes me as " congruent " and says I tell the

world exactly how I am feeling every day using fashion as my vocabulary.

There is nothing that I hate more in this life than being told what I should

wear or being teased for my wardrobe - because its my artistic statement.

And I have 3 very content pets, the smallest one sleeps in my arms at night

with her head resting in the curve of my neck. So I can't be all that bad,

right. . .

One of my biggest therapy assignments has been to see myself they way my

boyfriend draws me instead of the way my FOO told me I was.

Yes, this is a huge thread and its incredibly hard for me to talk about.

Good job Lynnette, thank you for being strong enough to bring it up.

On Fri, Jan 21, 2011 at 8:00 AM, yp_lynnette_cameron_park <

h_l_maston@...> wrote:

>

> Wow... thank you... each of you. I haven't been able to tell SO about any

> of this... too humiliating. And, even though he met Nada at Christmas (after

> strategically avoiding her for almost a year) and saw how crazy she is, this

> would break his heart. I don't know if I can ever tell him...

>

> What I didn't mention here before are two more pieces of this... I guess I

> didn't say anything because they're seemingly unrelated but now, after

> reading your responses I think they're very important...

>

> 1) I never ate dinner in college. I was in the weight room - training hard

> (I guess for her love when I " d go home for breaks?) for 2 hours, 7 days a

> week.

>

> 2) In my teens and early 20's I modeled for local companies... clothes. I

> wasn't F.A.T. Not to anyone on the outside... just Nada.

>

> 3) When my weight DID go up (primarily because I was in an industrial

> accident and was put on Prednisone for 2+ years and was told I would be dead

> w/in 2 years (I was 25 at the time)) she gloated. And mocked.

>

> 4) When I got it back to 'decent' range... she still gloats because she's

> done the 'poverty diet.'

>

> Too many emotions. Too many people - never a shortage of men around me

> (whole nuther nada flea....) but Nada has been the real self-esteem crusher.

>

> Lynnette

>

> >

> > All my life I've been told I was fat by Nada. Sometimes I was. Most times

> I wasn't. But it didn't matter. I was always F.A.T.

> >

> > One of the worst things Nada did to me (in that category) was, at the

> tender self-conscious age of 15 (and years and years of regular sports

> playing which gave me a hard muscular body on my broad frame) she forced my

> 152#, 5'8 " , 36C/ 25 " waisted self into a FAT THERAPIST (she was seeing him

> because - gasp - she weighed 140 and was 5'7 " ) and knew there was something

> horribly wrong with me because (sob, sniff, sob) " NO MAN WILL EVER WANT A

> FAT CHICK OVER 150#... YOU FIX HER. " I was mortified.

> >

> > I remember sitting there as she slammed the door. I remember the look on

> his face as he tried to figure out what just happened. I remember that his

> office was tan and the window was behind him and the sun hurt my eyes. I

> remember being too afraid and ashamed to have ANY emotion about this. I just

> sat there.

> >

> > He " took my history. " We talked. He scheduled a 2nd appt. Nada was

> villified by that. Smuggly, on the way home, she said, " I'll fix you... you

> don't HAVE to be F.A.T! "

> >

> > I didn't dare cry.

> >

> > I remember the next visit lasted only a few minutes. He called her in.

> " XX I'm not sure why she's here. There is nothing 'wrong' with her weight.

> It appears the problem is yours. Take her home. Schedule an appointment with

> my recpetionist for YOU next time. "

> >

> > Thank God!

> >

> > I don't know if she ever went back. I don't know what else was said. I

> just remember thinking... someone saw through the cracks... a tiny ray of

> light shone through and it would be many, many decades before the light came

> pouring through... but someone saw it... and I still remember.

> >

> > Of course, as Nada's can't ever 'learn and move on'... I was met with

> zingers like the following for years:

> >

> > Nothing in my closet fits today... I'm going into YOURS!

> > Oh honey, don't wear THAT - you look HUGE!

> >

> > YOU can't wear a 2 piece... (incidently I was 130# that year.)

> >

> > If you don't lose some of your ass, he'll leave you. They always do.

> >

> > I'm glad you found someone to love you for your HEART. (implications

> obvious)

> >

> > What's it like to be so fat?

> >

> > Let's go shopping! You can dress ME to look thinner... you're the MASTER

> OF DISGUISE (I refuse to shop with her anymore.)

> >

> > Do you really WANT to eat that?

> >

> > I've lost so much weight. When are YOU going to do it?

> >

> > Oh, you've lost weight! I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worried you would have

> a heart attack and die.

> >

> > I've seen his ex-wifes pictures on Picassa, it looks like he's ok with

> FAT women. (said 2 days ago)

> >

> > Sigh...

> >

> > Lynnette (hourglass and blonde and proud of it)

> >

>

January 21, 2011

What is it with Nadas and weight? Mine was anorexic her entire life. I

would occasionally mention this to someone and they'd look at me as if I'm the

crazy one - you know how it's typically believed that only young women

become anorexic? Yeah. Well, they didn't have nadas so they don't know that

even 80 year old women fixate on weight.

Back in the 70s when I was in high school Nada and I were on diets all the

time. I remember the Stillman's diet - cottage cheese bread was a big

component of this. She was on a diet and she had me on a diet with her. I felt

I

needed to lost weight.

But.....but.....I was 5'10 " and weighed around 130. Now I look at photos of

myself taken then and I see just how insane it was - in my high school

graduation portrait my collarbones stick out so much I look skeletal!

Nada starved my poor dad, too, after reading some study that said rats

lived longer when they were underweight. When he had the stroke that killed

him, and couldn't swallow food or fluids, he had no extra weight, not one

ounce, to fall back on. I am convinced that he would have pulled through this

if he had not been so damn skinny.

And Nada herself looks like a freakin' concentration camp victim.

All that said, I feel sorry for her sometimes. She told me one time that

she had never in her life eaten a piece of pie without feeling guilty about

it. I don't know where that came from, somewhere in her own childhood I

assume, but that is just sad. Truly sad.

Em

January 21, 2011

What is it with Nadas and weight? Mine was anorexic her entire life. I

would occasionally mention this to someone and they'd look at me as if I'm the

crazy one - you know how it's typically believed that only young women

become anorexic? Yeah. Well, they didn't have nadas so they don't know that

even 80 year old women fixate on weight.

Back in the 70s when I was in high school Nada and I were on diets all the

time. I remember the Stillman's diet - cottage cheese bread was a big

component of this. She was on a diet and she had me on a diet with her. I felt

I

needed to lost weight.

But.....but.....I was 5'10 " and weighed around 130. Now I look at photos of

myself taken then and I see just how insane it was - in my high school

graduation portrait my collarbones stick out so much I look skeletal!

Nada starved my poor dad, too, after reading some study that said rats

lived longer when they were underweight. When he had the stroke that killed

him, and couldn't swallow food or fluids, he had no extra weight, not one

ounce, to fall back on. I am convinced that he would have pulled through this

if he had not been so damn skinny.

And Nada herself looks like a freakin' concentration camp victim.

All that said, I feel sorry for her sometimes. She told me one time that

she had never in her life eaten a piece of pie without feeling guilty about

it. I don't know where that came from, somewhere in her own childhood I

assume, but that is just sad. Truly sad.

Em

January 21, 2011

Annie - your description of the witch as the rival, smugly satisfied when

the daughter who is competition fails or struggles.

that is exactly my nada. . . Wow, i guess I have me a witch.

I wish i knew why she had me but I really don't know. . . I kind of think it

was for the same reason she started doing her nails as square shapes - it

was just a role she tried on to see if that was who she really was - because

she doesn't really have an identity of her own.

On Fri, Jan 21, 2011 at 12:20 PM, yp_lynnette_cameron_park <

h_l_maston@...> wrote:

>

> Yes. These are things she's told me... her sister's have told me... her

> mother has told me... I was only conceived to fill HER.

>

> Now she's weaponized all of it and my FOO (90+% of them) have turned their

> back on me.

>

> Lynnette

>

> >

> > " because I was only " conceived to fill her holes. "

> >

> > Lynnette, I know EXACTLY what you mean. EXACTLY. I can't even express

> anymore than that, because what you've said is just so spot on to my nada's

> behavior.

> >

>

January 21, 2011

Annie - your description of the witch as the rival, smugly satisfied when

the daughter who is competition fails or struggles.

that is exactly my nada. . . Wow, i guess I have me a witch.

I wish i knew why she had me but I really don't know. . . I kind of think it

was for the same reason she started doing her nails as square shapes - it

was just a role she tried on to see if that was who she really was - because

she doesn't really have an identity of her own.

On Fri, Jan 21, 2011 at 12:20 PM, yp_lynnette_cameron_park <

h_l_maston@...> wrote:

>

> Yes. These are things she's told me... her sister's have told me... her

> mother has told me... I was only conceived to fill HER.

>

> Now she's weaponized all of it and my FOO (90+% of them) have turned their

> back on me.

>

> Lynnette

>

> >

> > " because I was only " conceived to fill her holes. "

> >

> > Lynnette, I know EXACTLY what you mean. EXACTLY. I can't even express

> anymore than that, because what you've said is just so spot on to my nada's

> behavior.

> >

>

January 21, 2011

Annie - your description of the witch as the rival, smugly satisfied when

the daughter who is competition fails or struggles.

that is exactly my nada. . . Wow, i guess I have me a witch.

I wish i knew why she had me but I really don't know. . . I kind of think it

was for the same reason she started doing her nails as square shapes - it

was just a role she tried on to see if that was who she really was - because

she doesn't really have an identity of her own.

On Fri, Jan 21, 2011 at 12:20 PM, yp_lynnette_cameron_park <

h_l_maston@...> wrote:

>

> Yes. These are things she's told me... her sister's have told me... her

> mother has told me... I was only conceived to fill HER.

>

> Now she's weaponized all of it and my FOO (90+% of them) have turned their

> back on me.

>

> Lynnette

>

> >

> > " because I was only " conceived to fill her holes. "

> >

> > Lynnette, I know EXACTLY what you mean. EXACTLY. I can't even express

> anymore than that, because what you've said is just so spot on to my nada's

> behavior.

> >

>

January 21, 2011

This subject has been very helpful for me. I was entered in beauty contests as a

child and have always been constantly critiqued on every move. " You are wearing

that? " , taking me to makeup counters to help me out, trying to make me over.

Even after the birth of my children my BPD mother and sister basically told me

what they should wear when with what shoes, etc. Even socks were not the correct

kind. I now see how ridiculous this all is especially because I let them do it.

I have horrible self esteem issues which I am finally working on.

> > >

> > > " because I was only " conceived to fill her holes. "

> > >

> > > Lynnette, I know EXACTLY what you mean. EXACTLY. I can't even express

> > anymore than that, because what you've said is just so spot on to my nada's

> > behavior.

> > >

> >

>

January 21, 2011

This subject has been very helpful for me. I was entered in beauty contests as a

child and have always been constantly critiqued on every move. " You are wearing

that? " , taking me to makeup counters to help me out, trying to make me over.

Even after the birth of my children my BPD mother and sister basically told me

what they should wear when with what shoes, etc. Even socks were not the correct

kind. I now see how ridiculous this all is especially because I let them do it.

I have horrible self esteem issues which I am finally working on.

> > >

> > > " because I was only " conceived to fill her holes. "

> > >

> > > Lynnette, I know EXACTLY what you mean. EXACTLY. I can't even express

> > anymore than that, because what you've said is just so spot on to my nada's

> > behavior.

> > >

> >

>

January 21, 2011

This subject has been very helpful for me. I was entered in beauty contests as a

child and have always been constantly critiqued on every move. " You are wearing

that? " , taking me to makeup counters to help me out, trying to make me over.

Even after the birth of my children my BPD mother and sister basically told me

what they should wear when with what shoes, etc. Even socks were not the correct

kind. I now see how ridiculous this all is especially because I let them do it.

I have horrible self esteem issues which I am finally working on.

> > >

> > > " because I was only " conceived to fill her holes. "

> > >

> > > Lynnette, I know EXACTLY what you mean. EXACTLY. I can't even express

> > anymore than that, because what you've said is just so spot on to my nada's

> > behavior.

> > >

> >

>

January 21, 2011

I think my nada had me and Sister because she felt that she was supposed to, as

in: one marries, one has children. But my nada wasn't even interested in babies

or children when she was growing up, as she mentioned to me more than once. She

just went along with the program because she had no personal goals, other than a

vague desire to be rich and famous. She had a good voice and loved performing,

but never made a career out of singing. She and my dad had the hots for each

other, at least; I'm glad for them that they had that.

But parenthood?

I think my nada had a kind of outrageously unrealistic fantasy notion about what

motherhood actually entailed, and was appalled when the reality did not match

her expectations. Babies are messy; babies require constant attention when

they're awake. Babies are a lot of work. Babies make you to put your own

desires on hold for a while. Babies are expensive. Babies don't tap-dance and

sing show tunes at 6 months, so they can't give you the fame, riches, praise or

media attention you crave. Infants don't say " Thank you Mommy " , until they are

much older. Infants can't be forced to obey commands.

Babies would have to be a narcissist's nightmare! Its not all about MEEEEE!

Now, add onto that basic premise (narcissists and babies don't mix) with a

bpd/npd woman having a colicky baby. An infant with colic is extremely difficult

if not impossible to soothe; this translates as " the baby hates me " with a

bpd/npd mom. Now, add onto that factor: suddenly the baby needs an emergency

operation and nursing care at 18 months, and a second (planned) operation and

more nursing care at 24 months. This situation negatively impacts nada's need to

be perfect. She gave birth to a defective, sick baby; her record of being

perfect is ruined. Its the baby's fault.

That is my back-story. I think my nada and I were just not compatible from the

get-go because I was perceived as being rejecting toward her and imperfect. She

deserved a better baby, what did she ever do to be saddled with such a sickly,

unloving, rejecting child? So, the resentment started to built up. Why, the

child is lucky to even be alive thanks to nada's care and mothering above and

beyond the call of duty.

As I grew up I wasn't allowed to have food preferences, individual taste in my

clothing or hairstyle, and I wasn't allowed to dislike anything nada liked. I

was expected to be just like her, perfect, out of gratitude, I suppose. And I

learned very early on to not go to my mother for comfort when I felt sick or

when I hurt myself, it just made her really, really angry at me. The pervasive,

underlying base emotion emanating from my nada toward me seemed to be...

resentment. I was labeled as " the ingrate. "

Just my speculation, but it feels right to me.

-Annie

>

> Annie - your description of the witch as the rival, smugly satisfied when

> the daughter who is competition fails or struggles.

>

> that is exactly my nada. . . Wow, i guess I have me a witch.

>

> I wish i knew why she had me but I really don't know. . . I kind of think it

> was for the same reason she started doing her nails as square shapes - it

> was just a role she tried on to see if that was who she really was - because

> she doesn't really have an identity of her own.

January 21, 2011

All these terrible things your Nadas said to you young women make me sick. I

have a daughter. Like most young women do, she will get dressed to go out for

the evening and ask the " does this make me look fat? " question. I can't even

wrap my mind about saying anything but " no, it makes you look beautiful. " I

would say that even if she had a weight problem!

What kind of monster would tell her daughter she was (fat ugly unappealing

unattractive ----- fill in the blanks)?

Abuse... Hidden abuse... The kind society " doesn't see or hear. "

Damn this is making me so angry!

Sent from my blueberry.

On Jan 21, 2011, at 10:00 AM, " yp_lynnette_cameron_park "

wrote:

> Too many emotions. Too many people - never a shortage of men around me (whole

nuther nada flea....) but Nada has been the real self-esteem crusher.

January 21, 2011

All these terrible things your Nadas said to you young women make me sick. I

have a daughter. Like most young women do, she will get dressed to go out for

the evening and ask the " does this make me look fat? " question. I can't even

wrap my mind about saying anything but " no, it makes you look beautiful. " I

would say that even if she had a weight problem!

What kind of monster would tell her daughter she was (fat ugly unappealing

unattractive ----- fill in the blanks)?

Abuse... Hidden abuse... The kind society " doesn't see or hear. "

Damn this is making me so angry!

Sent from my blueberry.

On Jan 21, 2011, at 10:00 AM, " yp_lynnette_cameron_park "

wrote:

> Too many emotions. Too many people - never a shortage of men around me (whole

nuther nada flea....) but Nada has been the real self-esteem crusher.

January 21, 2011

Not only the kind society doesn't see or hear, but in my opinion, the kind

society turns away from because they don't want to see or hear it.

Mia

>

> All these terrible things your Nadas said to you young women make me sick.

> I have a daughter. Like most young women do, she will get dressed to go out

> for the evening and ask the " does this make me look fat? " question. I can't

> even wrap my mind about saying anything but " no, it makes you look

> beautiful. " I would say that even if she had a weight problem!

>

> What kind of monster would tell her daughter she was (fat ugly unappealing

> unattractive ----- fill in the blanks)?

> Abuse... Hidden abuse... The kind society " doesn't see or hear. "

> Damn this is making me so angry!

>

> Sent from my blueberry.

>

January 21, 2011

Not only the kind society doesn't see or hear, but in my opinion, the kind

society turns away from because they don't want to see or hear it.

Mia

>

> All these terrible things your Nadas said to you young women make me sick.

> I have a daughter. Like most young women do, she will get dressed to go out

> for the evening and ask the " does this make me look fat? " question. I can't

> even wrap my mind about saying anything but " no, it makes you look

> beautiful. " I would say that even if she had a weight problem!

>

> What kind of monster would tell her daughter she was (fat ugly unappealing

> unattractive ----- fill in the blanks)?

> Abuse... Hidden abuse... The kind society " doesn't see or hear. "

> Damn this is making me so angry!

>

> Sent from my blueberry.

>

January 21, 2011

Not only the kind society doesn't see or hear, but in my opinion, the kind

society turns away from because they don't want to see or hear it.

Mia

>

> All these terrible things your Nadas said to you young women make me sick.

> I have a daughter. Like most young women do, she will get dressed to go out

> for the evening and ask the " does this make me look fat? " question. I can't

> even wrap my mind about saying anything but " no, it makes you look

> beautiful. " I would say that even if she had a weight problem!

>

> What kind of monster would tell her daughter she was (fat ugly unappealing

> unattractive ----- fill in the blanks)?

> Abuse... Hidden abuse... The kind society " doesn't see or hear. "

> Damn this is making me so angry!

>

> Sent from my blueberry.

>

January 22, 2011

Oh geez, diets. . .

When I was 3 or 4, nada announced she was going on a diet. Then I caught her

laying on the couch eating an entire box of choc chip cookies. I said " I

thought you were on a diet? " I was honestly so young I had no idea that

someone would say one thing and do another. She said " It's the weekend. i

deserve a break from my diet on the weekend. " I was so freaking confused. I

think that's the moment that I learned my nada was a liar - but being 3, I

had to assume it was normal. I mean it was normal, that was the house I

lived in and my mother telling me those lies. She was more concerned with

making excuses than she was concerned with treating me in a way that would

help my devlopment. Isn't it amazing that I can still feel the confusion?

That was 32 years ago.

Another time when I was about 15, I was responsible for basically all the

cleaning and cooking for the household. So I cleaned the kitchen ( I grew up

in a house dirty enough that CPS should have been called). Nada came home

from teaching summer school one morning to find that I had thrown out all

the Carnation Instant Breakfast. It had been in the cupboard untouched for

about 2 years, so I decided it was time to go. I had thrown it out about 3

months before she realized I did. BUT she was planning to start her diet

that day (weighing in at I'd guess 240 to 260 on a 5 foot 6 inch frame). She

FLIPPED OUT. This may have been the worst rage of my entire life. And I knew

I had done nothing but clean the kitchen, by myself, and throw away

something that was untouched for several years. Wow! Somebody should have

called the cops. She didn't hit or kick me, but you would have thought I

intentially ran over a child or something. Or at least had gotten arrested.

No, I just threw something out that was several years old. And if a woman

thinks she can injest 250 cal of carnation instant breakfast 2 times per day

as a sub for 2 lbs of tootsie rolls and loose weight, I'm just very

skeptical that that is going to work. Carnation instant breakfast isn't

really low cal, you know. I shudder just thinking about how violent she

became. but it was normal to me, how was I supposed to know that was abuse,

domestic violence? Probably the worst part was that my dad was right there,

and he just got out of the way and let her attck me. i was in 9th grade for

hells sakes!

On Fri, Jan 21, 2011 at 11:17 PM, yp_lynnette_cameron_park <

h_l_maston@...> wrote:

>

> OH the diets... I forgot about 'the diets.'

>

> The Cabbage Diet.

> The Protein Diet.

> The Fruit Diet.

> The Liquid Diet.

> The Egg White Diet.

> The Vegetable Soup Diet.

>

> Good God.... floodgates open. She'd DO it and force me to do it too.

> Always the focus... weight... always...

>

> Add to this that I am (was) severly hypoglaucemic and if I don't keep

> protein handy, I will dump even further. Try eating days on end of nothing

> but fruit....

>

> She knew I was hypoglaucemic from age 18 months when some Swedish Fish from

> the mall sent me to the hospital at 11pm when she came to check on me and I

> was blue....

>

> She #$%#$@% KNEW!!!

>

> But it was always about appearance.

>

> Ugh...

>

> Going to bed now.

>

> LYnnette

>

> >

> > What is it with Nadas and weight? Mine was anorexic her entire life. I

> > would occasionally mention this to someone and they'd look at me as if

> I'm the

> > crazy one - you know how it's typically believed that only young women

> > become anorexic? Yeah. Well, they didn't have nadas so they don't know

> that

> > even 80 year old women fixate on weight.

> > Back in the 70s when I was in high school Nada and I were on diets all

> the

> > time. I remember the Stillman's diet - cottage cheese bread was a big

> > component of this. She was on a diet and she had me on a diet with her. I

> felt I

> > needed to lost weight.

> > But.....but.....I was 5'10 " and weighed around 130. Now I look at photos

> of

> > myself taken then and I see just how insane it was - in my high school

> > graduation portrait my collarbones stick out so much I look skeletal!

> > Nada starved my poor dad, too, after reading some study that said rats

> > lived longer when they were underweight. When he had the stroke that

> killed

> > him, and couldn't swallow food or fluids, he had no extra weight, not one

>

> > ounce, to fall back on. I am convinced that he would have pulled through

> this

> > if he had not been so damn skinny.

> > And Nada herself looks like a freakin' concentration camp victim.

> > All that said, I feel sorry for her sometimes. She told me one time that

> > she had never in her life eaten a piece of pie without feeling guilty

> about

> > it. I don't know where that came from, somewhere in her own childhood I

> > assume, but that is just sad. Truly sad.

> >

> > Em

> >

January 22, 2011