Re: non-BPs and anger toward BPs

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing your reply here, I think what you posted is very

well-reasoned and the points you made by comparing bpd behavior to alcoholic

recovery are really valid.

I agree that the adult children and spouses of those with bpd seem to be held to

a different standard than the families of alcoholics. KOs appear to be saddled

with the responsibility of " bpd maintenance " , whereas alcoholics are expected to

accept responsibility for their own behaviors and their own recovery.

You're right: that doesn't make sense, and it isn't fair.

I've been hitting my head against that brick wall of illogic for a while now: on

the one hand, bpd-compassion-advocates say that the bpd is so damaged and is

suffering so badly that the family members need to show compassion and " manage "

the relationship by becoming in effect full-time psychotherapists for the person

with bpd. While on the other hand, illogically, the bpd-compassion-advocates

say that the person with bpd has the capacity to accept personal responsibility

for their behaviors and is able to consciously learn how to modify and control

their behaviors and " recover. "

Well, you can't have your cake and eat it too; its one or the other.

If a bpd individual is so thought-disordered, impulsive, irrational, suicidal,

violent, and emotionally disregulated that she must be handled with kid gloves,

then, she's not in control of her own behaviors and is too mentally ill to be

raising children. Such an individual needs to be under psychiatric care, and

her children need to be removed for their own safety and emotional health.

If a bpd individual acts out abusively but has enough control over her behaviors

to appear " normal " in public, only target certain individuals (such as her

children and/or her spouse), is able to commit violent physical and emotional

and/or sexual abuse but keep it just " under the radar " of public detection,

then, she needs to be held accountable for the abuse she inflicts and be brought

up on criminal charges if she's crossed that line with mistreatment of her kids,

and the kids need to be removed from her care for their own safety and emotional

health.

-Annie

>

> Thanks, Randi, for the article you wrote. Thank you so much!

>

> I posted this message at the site:

>

> " When alcoholics enter AA, one of the steps required of them is going to the

people they have hurt and asking for forgiveness, and being accountable for

their actions.

>

> Family members of people with Borderline Personality Disorder, in contrast,

often never are allowed to express their own hurt, and are expected to take on a

caretaking role. The definition of family ought to be a place where everyone

can express their feelings, as long as they respect others. The problem with

BPD people inside the family environment, is that their needs take over everyone

else's. And people with BPD often do not aknowledge their damaging and abusive

actions. In psychologically evaluative settings, such as counseling sessions,

BPDs act differently than the reality that family members see; BPD people are by

definition master manipulators.

>

> When family members of alcoholics show compassion, it is called enabling.

When family members of BPD people ask that the BP person be held accountable for

their harmful and abusive actions, we are told to be more accountable... this

doesn't make much sense. In essence, this article seems to be telling us to

enable further the destructive behavior of BPD people, at the cost of our own

development and happiness. It is really sad how the psychology profession

seems to prefer the caretaking of unhealthy BPDs over the healthiness of family

members. Remember that the expression of anger on the part of family members is

also an expression of hurt.

>

> Who holds BPD people accountable for their actions? Articles such as these

enable the destructive behavior of BPD people, and ask that family members

enable that abuse and destruction. I wish psychologists could use their efforts

to create more mental health, instead of reinforcing and supporting the abusive

people. "

>