BPDs keeping phone tallies

January 6, 2011

My mom used to call me every morning,early. Some days when she didn't call me I

would call her. Or I would occasionally call her during her lunch break to let

her talk to my young daughter. That was when she was acting like a normal mom.

In the past, when she has blown up, she has sometimes gone for a week or two

without calling me. Then she'll call randomly and in a pitiful voice, say " I

haven't heard from you in a really long time so I thought I'd check and see if

everything was ok " .

She also has in the past told me she was going to stop calling her sisters to

see how long it took them to " miss " her and start calling her.

After her recent holiday blowup, she began isolating herself from not only her

children but her siblings as well. But this is the longest she has done it for.

It has been a very long time since she has called me. At least a few weeks. I

saw her at a family function this weekend. The only call she's made was strictly

business regarding a money matter and she was off the phone in 30 seconds.

In the past, when we have cycled through this behavior, I have felt guilty,

caved and called her. I know for a fact she is sitting over there wallowing in

how no one loves her or cares about her and keeping a tally of the last time

anyone called. I know if I call her, she will be very cold to me and distant,

making me feel more like the bad guy, unloved, and like the worst daughter on

the planet with her cutting remarks.

I am having difficulty finding the balance and trying to decide between what is

normal " checking in " on mom and what is calling out of obligation because I am

" supposed to because she is my mom " .

Has anyone encountered this and how do you handle it?

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