Guest guest Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 My Nada - " Working on the same B.A. in Psych since 1968. " Yeah, I get it. Lynnette > > > > > > So my T pointed out to me a few days ago that when I first came to see > > her I > > > was seriously minimizing the abuse I suffered. She said that I would have > > > been removed from the home if the authorities had been aware. I doubt > > this > > > would ever happen, because the community I grew up in had blinders on , > > it > > > was literally known by the nickname " Happy Valley " and the residents > > heard > > > no evil, saw no evil, smelled no evil and tasted no evil, so long as the > > > evil people were " members " of the community. T and I talked about how the > > > world has changed to some degree since I was small, child abuse advocates > > > are more aggressive, teachers are subject to more stringent child > > protection > > > laws etc. Personally though, i think the community I am from still has > > their > > > blinders firmly in place. Evidence of this is the fact that my mother > > > teaches disabled children - I can't imagine a more frightening situation > > for > > > vulnerable tiny kids. wow > > > > > > Anyway, my point is that there is one more issue I have really minimized. > > > The hoarding. I thought my mother was a hoarder, but I wasn't sure how > > > severe. The thing is, when it is " normal " to you because it has always > > been > > > that way since you were born, it is hard to know what other people would > > > think is normal. So for research last night I watched a Brittish > > documentary > > > about hoarding as well as a couple of episodes of The Hoarders. > > > > > > The verdict --- yes my mother was a hoarder. She brought home piles of > > shit > > > from the thrift stores every weekend, spending her entire pay check on > > junk. > > > She didn't think she should have to share her income with her family and > > so > > > she didn't. She had serious debt problems because she couldn't control > > her > > > spending. Our house was filled floor to ceiling with crap - not as bad as > > on > > > The Hoarders, but very very close to the levels seen on the Brittish > > show. I > > > believe it would have been worse if my dad hadn't periodically thrown > > things > > > out and fought with her about it. It was bad enough that their weren't > > empty > > > chairs to sit on, doors wouldn't close because of crap, and if you > > openned > > > the kitchen cupboards, dishes would come flying out and hit you in the > > head. > > > It was a very hard home to live in. To this day I can't stand rugs in a > > home > > > because her unwashed rugs would wad up and block the doors from openning > > and > > > closing, making it hard if not impossible to get into and out of the > > house. > > > And did I mention she had 2 file cabinets next to her bed as well as > > stacks > > > and stacks of papers. She saved everything for her " jounrals. " I think > > she > > > believed someone would one day (probably me) would write a book about her > > > life using every scrap of paper that came her way. She also tended toward > > > animal hoarding, though that never got as severe as on the shows. The > > worst > > > was the cats- when I was little she sort of collected pregnant female > > stray > > > cats and then " gave " them to me so that they were my responsibility. At > > age > > > 6, 7, 8 and 9, I had as many as 10 cats at a time that were entirely my > > > responsibility. I could break out in a cold sweat just remembering the > > > stress. And they died. They died all the time, kitten birth > > complications, > > > hit by cars etc etc. UGHHHHH SHIVER!!! I'm an animal lover and it about > > > killed me to not be able to take care of them. But I was too small and > > there > > > were too many. And then she blamed me for it. I've never had a cat since > > > then. > > > > > > Another indication of hoarding - and I don't totaly get this one. After I > > > married (now divorced) and bought my own home, I wanted to go get my > > > belongings and clean out my room in her home. She Threw A Huge Fit!!! She > > > never let me in to get my stuff. Then she would bring me a few things at > > a > > > time out of my room (I had particularly wanted to get my childhood > > journals > > > and favorite toys and stuffed animals). She seemed to need too control > > which > > > things I could have, and when I could have them. I even went to her home > > a > > > few times to find girls a little younger than me wearing my clothes out > > of > > > my room!!!! Is that weird or what? Now I chalk it up to abandonment fears > > on > > > her part. And I dealt with it by turning my back and walking away on all > > the > > > people, posessions and everything else. > > > > > > I don't know what I'm asking for from you guys, I guess I just wanted to > > > share. It seems to me that the high functioning BPDs are perfectionists > > > about their homes, while the low functioning tend to hoard. I am not > > totally > > > sure, but I think my nada leaned very much toward the low functioning > > side. > > > She did do certain things - she held a job, she finished her BS degree > > (it > > > took 9 years for a 4 year degree), she played piano pretty well, but on > > the > > > other had she hardly got out of bed on Saturdays, it took her 2 hours to > > > complete a 15 min task, she couldn't make left hand turns in the car and > > she > > > never prepared a single meal after my 5th birthday etc etc etc. Anyone > > have > > > opinions on high or low functioning? > > > > > > XOXO thanks for letting me ramble, Girlscout > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 I was just the opposite: Filled with barely suppressed rage. She did things that elicited anger, but I wasnt supposed to be angry at her, cause she s THE MOTHER. But that anger goes somewhere, doesnt it? Let it out, express it, or just let the ulcer bleed, the addiction grow, the stress bind up the muscles. I wonder, how many of us were sick most of our lives, because we either shut down the emotions, or felt them like a raging tiger wanting to get out and devour some sumbitch, but pushed them down inside. I think we are 2 sides of the same coin. We didnt dare feel, or express our true emotions. That would break eggshells. Doug > > {{{Hugs}}} > > I minimized too. Therapists #1 concern with me when I first saw her was that I had NO ANGER at what had been done to me. Zip. Zilch. Nothing. It took over a year of weekly therapy for me to get mad. Then another 6 months for me to realize I had been " seriously, repeatedly, systematically sbused. And the abuse contines. " Gulp. > > I 'hear' ya. > > Lynnette > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 I was just the opposite: Filled with barely suppressed rage. She did things that elicited anger, but I wasnt supposed to be angry at her, cause she s THE MOTHER. But that anger goes somewhere, doesnt it? Let it out, express it, or just let the ulcer bleed, the addiction grow, the stress bind up the muscles. I wonder, how many of us were sick most of our lives, because we either shut down the emotions, or felt them like a raging tiger wanting to get out and devour some sumbitch, but pushed them down inside. I think we are 2 sides of the same coin. We didnt dare feel, or express our true emotions. That would break eggshells. Doug > > {{{Hugs}}} > > I minimized too. Therapists #1 concern with me when I first saw her was that I had NO ANGER at what had been done to me. Zip. Zilch. Nothing. It took over a year of weekly therapy for me to get mad. Then another 6 months for me to realize I had been " seriously, repeatedly, systematically sbused. And the abuse contines. " Gulp. > > I 'hear' ya. > > Lynnette > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 ((((((((GS)))))))) A cyber-hug for you. I hope things get better for you soon. -Annie > > Yeah I guess another aspect of the sting of the neglect is that I treat my > dogs so much better than she treated me - better than any adult did. For > example, boyfriend gets home from work about an hour and a half before me. > Every day when I get home I check to see if my dogs have water. Last week > for 3 nights in a row they didn't and I threw a total fit that I wouldn't > allow my pets to go without water and set a schedule for him to follow to > make sure they aren't dehydrated for 90 min before I arrive home. i check > before work and now he checks after. > > No one did that kind of thing for me. Not once. . . . Ugh. > > I'm having a bad day. I spilled water in my laptop and I may have to have > surgery, I was just at the doctor and now I'm trying to get an ultra sound > appt for my liver/gallbladder. So maybe I'm just upset about that and its > bleeding into all the saddness in my life. > > UGH! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 > Holy Christ. The guy was not dad, this was one of mom s latest boyfriends. And, I might add, flying monkey. There is absolutely no excuse for her behavior. Or his. If he were any kind of responsible adult, he would have called the cops and had them take this boy to his father, or to foster care. You guys don t help your mom out around here enough? Oh my. My nada sent a flying monkey to toss that one at me once. This, from my mom, the hoarder, whose every house since I had been born had been so filthy, well just indescribable. In case any of you wonder, this is what the rages and out of control emotional storms were like. Of course, this doesnt show the crying jags, or the sympathy ploys, or the suicide games. But this was very much, for me, a part of life with a BP mom. Brrr. > > > -Annie > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Yes, it's an acquired taste for sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 My experience was same as : disagree = cold shoulder/disapproval. I remember listening to my father as he sat with a family friend in our livingroom, saying how my brother was a trouble maker and how obedient and compliant I was. I really felt like the family pet. > > > So my T pointed out to me a few days ago that when I first came to see her I > > > was seriously minimizing the abuse I suffered > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 My experience was same as : disagree = cold shoulder/disapproval. I remember listening to my father as he sat with a family friend in our livingroom, saying how my brother was a trouble maker and how obedient and compliant I was. I really felt like the family pet. > > > So my T pointed out to me a few days ago that when I first came to see her I > > > was seriously minimizing the abuse I suffered > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 My experience was same as : disagree = cold shoulder/disapproval. I remember listening to my father as he sat with a family friend in our livingroom, saying how my brother was a trouble maker and how obedient and compliant I was. I really felt like the family pet. > > > So my T pointed out to me a few days ago that when I first came to see her I > > > was seriously minimizing the abuse I suffered > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 He was a little cocky. He was obviously not the " good child " who would do whatever it took to placate Nada. He needed a bit of correction about his attitude. THAT was not correction. I raised four kids, right thru the cocky, smart mouthed phase. And That is NOT how you discipline them. She was having a fight. You don t have a fight with your child. Except, nada s do, on a regular basis. I would love for CPS to see that video, along with the address. For those of you who have heard me in the past on my soapbox about what to do in re to kids being left with a BP, watch this video. Then, I repeat. Rescue them. Doug > > Wow, this was MORNING and she was able to go at it without taking a breath. My nada would need to have a few drinks mid-afternoon to let it fly like this. > > I felt horrible for the child, but did it also strike anyone else that his coping behaviors were baiting and denial? Makes you wonder how long they have been living in that dynamic. I was too cowed to push back at my nada like that until I was in my 30s and in therapy. I'm surprised she didn't stroke out. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Tears. Yea, Mia, me too. Me too. Hugs. > > Nah, you don't deserve it Doug, but it's interesting to see another KO who > gets where I'm coming from with the physical vs. emotional abuse. Yikes. > Sorry you have to get it man. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Tears. Yea, Mia, me too. Me too. Hugs. > > Nah, you don't deserve it Doug, but it's interesting to see another KO who > gets where I'm coming from with the physical vs. emotional abuse. Yikes. > Sorry you have to get it man. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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