Re: Can anyone relate to growing up...

[Guest guest]

I can relate somewhat, but my nada was abusive in every sense of the word. She

was over the top and went so far as to torture me!

My father was never home - he was always working overtime to make more and more

$ to satisfy nada but of course nothing did. He didn't know me until I was

almost 16 years old when he caught my nada screwing around with another man on

him and threw her out. (She would leave me in her parked car in every type of

weather locked in telling my father she was taking the kid 'shopping' but told

me if I ever got out of that car or told my father what was going on, I was a

dead kid). She would make out in her lover's car next to ours like teenagers at

a drive-in and then take off with him all day. I would have to hold my urine or

defecation until she got back and drove us home. I would roast in the heat in

the summer and freeze in the winter. She would read me X-rated love letters her

lover would leave her in her locker at work (he was her boss) and she would

play " Strangers in the NIght " (their song - lol) on my record player. I'd get

angry and break them but of course I'd get beaten for it.

Even though she was always insulting me and degrading me about being 'fat' and

when I was 8 took me to our doctor asking him to give me 'diet pills' because I

was 5 lbs. overweight, she was meeting her lover at a diner on our way back from

my Aunt's house in New York State and made me eat two double cheeseburger

platters and two slices of pie which was making me very sick when I was 15 and

she had to wait for him to show! He couldn't get away from his wife and stood

my nada up so I got beaten for that. The doctor gave the diet pills to me when

I was 8 and she force fed them to me. I didn't want to take them. They made me

very, very nervous; unable to concentrate at school and weepy. They were

amphetamines! I lost 10 lbs. and was underweight after I took those for only 2

weeks and she took me back to him to 'weigh me'.

When I was 12 she told my supposed best friend to 'hold her down so I can pour

Wisk down her throat' because I said the word S * * * and this girl was 16 at

the time. She did as nada told her to and afterward nada said, " I can't thank

you enough, Betty! YOU'RE my GOOD daughter! This thing is my bad daughter " and

rewarded her with a 14 kt. gold heart pendant encrusted with small diamonds.

There are numerous other things nada did to me over the years but all in all she

was the most abusive, mean, twisted woman I have ever met to this day. She

still called this other neighbor of hers her 'daughter' crying to me

hysterically on the phone that 'my daughter Joanie died'. Joanie was a NEIGHBOR

who moved down south about 5 years ago and wasn't related to nada at all. You

can imagine how that made me feel.

[Guest guest]

My teenage years were spent with a stepmom who was never physically abusive, but

she was, and still is, emotionally abusive.  I never heard her and my father

fighting, but when she would put me down and belittle me, my dad didn't do

anything about it.  He let her say pretty much whatever she wanted to.  Every

time I tried to talk about how I felt, she would shut me down as quickly as I

could, never caring that I was crying in hurt, anger and frustration.  I

remember I once caught her doing something she told me not to do, and I called

her on it.  " You told me not to do that, " I said.  The look on her face told

me

that she knew she had been caught, but her reply was, " Do as I say, not as I

do. "   She hated being wrong.  It took me 26 years before I was able to

tell my

dad how I felt, and I had to do it in a letter because I showed up at there

house to hopefully catch my dad alone and by surprise, but they were gone. 

The

letter was " plan b " .  Since it's a three hour drive from where I currently

live,

I also left some clothes that me stepmom had given me that she told me when she

gave them to me that she wanted them back when I was done with them.  They

were packed neatly in boxes and left in a safe place on the porch.   I found

out

later from my brother that I left them a box of clothes and a nasty letter. 

I

no longer have any contact with them, and my stepsisters won't have anything to

do with me either.  Like everyone else here, I could tell you story after

story.  As part of my healing, I wrote most of them down.  I think that by

not

physically abusing me, she can say that she wasn't abusive and that I am a

liar.  Who knows what her reasoning is!

Janet

 

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wed, January 19, 2011 6:14:33 PM

Subject: Can anyone relate to growing up...

 

Can anyone relate to the idea that they grew up in a hostile environment versus

an abusive one? I wasn't physically abused, and I'm not even sure I would go so

far as to say emotionally abused (but maybe I'm minimizing) but I can DEFINITELY

say that I grew up in a constantly, 24/7, hostile environment that was abusive

in itself.

My parents fought all the time, my mother screamed and yelled all the time and

provoked arguments, and my father was too stupid to not engage in these

screaming matches. My father also is a bit of a narcissist (not full personality

disorder, just a little bit of his personality) and has a short temper (and a

bad nicotine addiction) and he would scream and yell back (although again these

were provoked by mother's unrelenting and unfounded criticisms). I could never

invite friends over for fear that my parents would go into a screaming match. I

had to hide in my room whenever they had these arguments, which was all the

time. Sometimes their anger turned on me and I was the one (or my brother) that

they screamed and yelled at. Once I had an argument with my mother and when I

tried to walk away because I didn't want to argue any more and I went into my

bedroom and locked my door, my dad busted the door down and screamed and yelled

at me some more about " not talking to my mother like that. "

I had one other fight with my mother that I can recall, and my mother called my

grandmother and aunt to come over (I was 17 years old) and my grandmother

started screaming and yelling at me, right in my face while I was trying to do

homework. When I tried to leave, they grabbed my car keys from me (and I was

just trying to go to a friend's house and be in a safe environment) and I just

walked out side and my aunt followed me as I walked around the block. They

wouldn't even let me be as I walked around the block!

These are the few things that I remember. I don't think we had many other

arguments (I didn't have much time for my parents as my goal was to grow up and

get the hell away from them--and nada knew it, I think). But I don't really

remember a lot of things that I feel like I should remember. Am I blocking the

details of my childhood? I don't feel like I'm blocking any huge events or

anything, it's just that a lot of details are escaping me, and I think it's

because I just don't want to think about any of it.

My parents, both individually, now that me and my brothers are grown up, like to

pat themselves on the back for what a great job they've done. It somewhat

bothers me. In my father's case, I just let it roll off my back because we have

gone through so much to repair our relationship, that I have forgiven him the

past, and see no point in drudging it up. I'm an adult, and I am responsible for

me now. And frankly, my dad did a lot of things right. But my mother! Sometimes

she'll say that she's proud of me, and it's completely unbelievable. She's not

proud of me as a person; she's proud of me as successful daughter that she can

boast to all her brothers and sisters about (all of their children, especially

daughters, were knocked up as minors, didn't go to college, etc--not that I am

judging those that have experienced that--this is what my mother values). And

yet she despises me for my success too.

Sorry, I'm triggered right now and needing to vent.

[Guest guest]

Yes--I too grew up in a war zone most of the time. She slapped me a couple times

in my early teens. I hit he back the second time and she never hit me again.

>

> Can anyone relate to the idea that they grew up in a hostile environment

versus an abusive one? I wasn't physically abused, and I'm not even sure I would

go so far as to say emotionally abused (but maybe I'm minimizing) but I can

DEFINITELY say that I grew up in a constantly, 24/7, hostile environment that

was abusive in itself.

>

> My parents fought all the time, my mother screamed and yelled all the time and

provoked arguments, and my father was too stupid to not engage in these

screaming matches. My father also is a bit of a narcissist (not full personality

disorder, just a little bit of his personality) and has a short temper (and a

bad nicotine addiction) and he would scream and yell back (although again these

were provoked by mother's unrelenting and unfounded criticisms). I could never

invite friends over for fear that my parents would go into a screaming match. I

had to hide in my room whenever they had these arguments, which was all the

time. Sometimes their anger turned on me and I was the one (or my brother) that

they screamed and yelled at. Once I had an argument with my mother and when I

tried to walk away because I didn't want to argue any more and I went into my

bedroom and locked my door, my dad busted the door down and screamed and yelled

at me some more about " not talking to my mother like that. "

>

> I had one other fight with my mother that I can recall, and my mother called

my grandmother and aunt to come over (I was 17 years old) and my grandmother

started screaming and yelling at me, right in my face while I was trying to do

homework. When I tried to leave, they grabbed my car keys from me (and I was

just trying to go to a friend's house and be in a safe environment) and I just

walked out side and my aunt followed me as I walked around the block. They

wouldn't even let me be as I walked around the block!

>

> These are the few things that I remember. I don't think we had many other

arguments (I didn't have much time for my parents as my goal was to grow up and

get the hell away from them--and nada knew it, I think). But I don't really

remember a lot of things that I feel like I should remember. Am I blocking the

details of my childhood? I don't feel like I'm blocking any huge events or

anything, it's just that a lot of details are escaping me, and I think it's

because I just don't want to think about any of it.

>

> My parents, both individually, now that me and my brothers are grown up, like

to pat themselves on the back for what a great job they've done. It somewhat

bothers me. In my father's case, I just let it roll off my back because we have

gone through so much to repair our relationship, that I have forgiven him the

past, and see no point in drudging it up. I'm an adult, and I am responsible for

me now. And frankly, my dad did a lot of things right. But my mother! Sometimes

she'll say that she's proud of me, and it's completely unbelievable. She's not

proud of me as a person; she's proud of me as successful daughter that she can

boast to all her brothers and sisters about (all of their children, especially

daughters, were knocked up as minors, didn't go to college, etc--not that I am

judging those that have experienced that--this is what my mother values). And

yet she despises me for my success too.

>

> Sorry, I'm triggered right now and needing to vent.

>

>

>