Re: Is This A Guilt Trip or Am I Overreacting?

[Guest guest]

You're not wrong--this is a total guilt trip. Do what you were planning on

doing, and enjoy yourself

Holly

>

>

> I've made so many strides of progress and then today one conversation with

> my father has triggered old feelings.

>

> Long story short, this weekend we are traveling 4 hours to spend the

> weekend with my husband's family to celebrate his mother's 80th birthday.

> She lives 10 hours away from here and we have not seen her in four years.

> This is the first time in decades the entire family will be together and we

> are all looking forward to it. My married son's birthday is the day before

> my MIL's birthday.

>

> My father called me today to verify this is the weekend we'll be gone and

> asked if my son was also going and I said yes. Then my father got this

> pitiful and dejected sound in his voice and said, " So there are no plans

> this weekend for my son's b'day, well I guess we'll just mail him a card. "

>

> I'm the only child and I've always felt it was an unspoken rule growing up

> that I was responsible for my parent's happiness. I've made great strides in

> letting go of all that in the last two years, but this caught me off guard

> today. My parents have spent every holiday, birthday and special occasion

> with us forever while my husband's family moved out of state in the 90's and

> since then we barely talk much less spend time together.

>

> Even before they moved out of state I tried to be fair with rotating

> holidays and time spent with each family, yet there was always this

> underlying feeling of guilt anytime we spent time with husband's family. And

> even a month ago when we first started discussing the 80th party for mil,

> saying we'd all be together at a hotel, my father commented that maybe we

> could all go to a hotel sometime too. HUH?

> I could barely believe my ears and I don't know if he was serious, if he

> was just expressing he wishes we spent more time together or was verbalizing

> that this is something we could do for nada's upcoming 80th birthday. My

> parents and I have never had similar ideas about recreational activities. My

> father has a couple things he likes to do, gambling and car shows, and he

> does them obsessively. My parents have never been once used the pool at a

> hotel, while my husband, kids and I do so every chance we get.

>

> So basically I'm confused, I don't know if my father just wants to spend

> time with us or if he's just trying to make me feel guilty that we're

> spending time with my husband's family. The other thing is my parents have

> been generous to us over the years, while my husband's family can't even

> compete, so I think my father has this sense of entitlement about him that

> he should get preferential treatment.

> But as I stated earlier, we haven't been together with my husband's family

> for a long time and I feel my father needs to get over it. But I recall my

> counselor saying that my father and mother are both profoundly and severely

> emotionally retarded....so I guess I need to consider the source.

>

> Perhaps when we return from this weekend, I'll contact him to see what he

> wants to do about nada's 80th birthday. However we did nothing special for

> his 80th birthday a few years ago because neither of my parent's ever wants

> any fuss made over them....they avoid the spotlight of attention like the

> plague.

>

> I don't know if any of you can even follow this rambling but if you did, I

> could use some fresh eyes for perspective.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You're not wrong--this is a total guilt trip. Do what you were planning on

doing, and enjoy yourself

Holly

>

>

> I've made so many strides of progress and then today one conversation with

> my father has triggered old feelings.

>

> Long story short, this weekend we are traveling 4 hours to spend the

> weekend with my husband's family to celebrate his mother's 80th birthday.

> She lives 10 hours away from here and we have not seen her in four years.

> This is the first time in decades the entire family will be together and we

> are all looking forward to it. My married son's birthday is the day before

> my MIL's birthday.

>

> My father called me today to verify this is the weekend we'll be gone and

> asked if my son was also going and I said yes. Then my father got this

> pitiful and dejected sound in his voice and said, " So there are no plans

> this weekend for my son's b'day, well I guess we'll just mail him a card. "

>

> I'm the only child and I've always felt it was an unspoken rule growing up

> that I was responsible for my parent's happiness. I've made great strides in

> letting go of all that in the last two years, but this caught me off guard

> today. My parents have spent every holiday, birthday and special occasion

> with us forever while my husband's family moved out of state in the 90's and

> since then we barely talk much less spend time together.

>

> Even before they moved out of state I tried to be fair with rotating

> holidays and time spent with each family, yet there was always this

> underlying feeling of guilt anytime we spent time with husband's family. And

> even a month ago when we first started discussing the 80th party for mil,

> saying we'd all be together at a hotel, my father commented that maybe we

> could all go to a hotel sometime too. HUH?

> I could barely believe my ears and I don't know if he was serious, if he

> was just expressing he wishes we spent more time together or was verbalizing

> that this is something we could do for nada's upcoming 80th birthday. My

> parents and I have never had similar ideas about recreational activities. My

> father has a couple things he likes to do, gambling and car shows, and he

> does them obsessively. My parents have never been once used the pool at a

> hotel, while my husband, kids and I do so every chance we get.

>

> So basically I'm confused, I don't know if my father just wants to spend

> time with us or if he's just trying to make me feel guilty that we're

> spending time with my husband's family. The other thing is my parents have

> been generous to us over the years, while my husband's family can't even

> compete, so I think my father has this sense of entitlement about him that

> he should get preferential treatment.

> But as I stated earlier, we haven't been together with my husband's family

> for a long time and I feel my father needs to get over it. But I recall my

> counselor saying that my father and mother are both profoundly and severely

> emotionally retarded....so I guess I need to consider the source.

>

> Perhaps when we return from this weekend, I'll contact him to see what he

> wants to do about nada's 80th birthday. However we did nothing special for

> his 80th birthday a few years ago because neither of my parent's ever wants

> any fuss made over them....they avoid the spotlight of attention like the

> plague.

>

> I don't know if any of you can even follow this rambling but if you did, I

> could use some fresh eyes for perspective.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Holly,

My father is quite capable of calling my married son, who doesn't live with me

by the way, to ask son to do things for him, but now my father asks me if my son

is going out of town this weekend and what the plans are for my son's birthday.

My father could have called my son or his wife. SO you are right, this was a

guilt trip.

Thank you for clearing that up.

My husband and I have plans with my son on Monday to celebrate my birthday with

him and his family because they couldn't attend my bday celebration earlier this

month. My parent's have had no problem excluding us from things they've done

with my son during a time when my bpd dil was causing division and strife

between son and us. That relationship is beginning to turn around and I am not

about to include my parents in Monday's plans, especially when my parents went

to dinner with son and dil a few years ago to celebrate my dad's birthday but

didn't invite us.

Remembering all this has certainly lessened my guilt feelings!

>

> >

> >

> > I've made so many strides of progress and then today one conversation with

> > my father has triggered old feelings.

> >

> > Long story short, this weekend we are traveling 4 hours to spend the

> > weekend with my husband's family to celebrate his mother's 80th birthday.

> > She lives 10 hours away from here and we have not seen her in four years.

> > This is the first time in decades the entire family will be together and we

> > are all looking forward to it. My married son's birthday is the day before

> > my MIL's birthday.

> >

> > My father called me today to verify this is the weekend we'll be gone and

> > asked if my son was also going and I said yes. Then my father got this

> > pitiful and dejected sound in his voice and said, " So there are no plans

> > this weekend for my son's b'day, well I guess we'll just mail him a card. "

> >

> > I'm the only child and I've always felt it was an unspoken rule growing up

> > that I was responsible for my parent's happiness. I've made great strides in

> > letting go of all that in the last two years, but this caught me off guard

> > today. My parents have spent every holiday, birthday and special occasion

> > with us forever while my husband's family moved out of state in the 90's and

> > since then we barely talk much less spend time together.

> >

> > Even before they moved out of state I tried to be fair with rotating

> > holidays and time spent with each family, yet there was always this

> > underlying feeling of guilt anytime we spent time with husband's family. And

> > even a month ago when we first started discussing the 80th party for mil,

> > saying we'd all be together at a hotel, my father commented that maybe we

> > could all go to a hotel sometime too. HUH?

> > I could barely believe my ears and I don't know if he was serious, if he

> > was just expressing he wishes we spent more time together or was verbalizing

> > that this is something we could do for nada's upcoming 80th birthday. My

> > parents and I have never had similar ideas about recreational activities. My

> > father has a couple things he likes to do, gambling and car shows, and he

> > does them obsessively. My parents have never been once used the pool at a

> > hotel, while my husband, kids and I do so every chance we get.

> >

> > So basically I'm confused, I don't know if my father just wants to spend

> > time with us or if he's just trying to make me feel guilty that we're

> > spending time with my husband's family. The other thing is my parents have

> > been generous to us over the years, while my husband's family can't even

> > compete, so I think my father has this sense of entitlement about him that

> > he should get preferential treatment.

> > But as I stated earlier, we haven't been together with my husband's family

> > for a long time and I feel my father needs to get over it. But I recall my

> > counselor saying that my father and mother are both profoundly and severely

> > emotionally retarded....so I guess I need to consider the source.

> >

> > Perhaps when we return from this weekend, I'll contact him to see what he

> > wants to do about nada's 80th birthday. However we did nothing special for

> > his 80th birthday a few years ago because neither of my parent's ever wants

> > any fuss made over them....they avoid the spotlight of attention like the

> > plague.

> >

> > I don't know if any of you can even follow this rambling but if you did, I

> > could use some fresh eyes for perspective.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I believe he is simply engaging in typical bpd thinking. You are going to see

your husband's family therefore you are neglecting your own.

Which as we know is ridiculous - you can have many people in your life whom you

make time for.

If it is any comfort to you, I went through something similar. My husband's

mother visited from Scotland and his family arranged a reunion of all his

relatives here in this country, then invited us. It happened to fall on my dad's

80th birthday and it was held out of town.

Hubby's mom was also 80, she had only visited once before and it wasn't likely

he would see her again and of course we went.

You would have though I committed murder! Nada carried on about how by missing

my dad's " special day " - which, by the way, he didn't mind, saying we can

celebrate the next weekend - I was " disloyal " to my family.

She carried a grudge for months. It was actually the first time I began to

realize just how crazy she was.

Yes, you're being guilt tripled.

Em

Sent from my blueberry.

> I've made so many strides of progress and then today one conversation with my

father has triggered old feelings.

>

> Long story short, this weekend we are traveling 4 hours to spend the weekend

with my husband's family to celebrate his mother's 80th birthday. She lives 10

hours away from here and we have not seen her in four years. This is the first

time in decades the entire family will be together and we are all looking

forward to it. My married son's birthday is the day before my MIL's birthday.

>

> My father called me today to verify this is the weekend we'll be gone and

asked if my son was also going and I said yes. Then my father got this pitiful

and dejected sound in his voice and said, " So there are no plans this weekend

for my son's b'day, well I guess we'll just mail him a card. "

>

> I'm the only child and I've always felt it was an unspoken rule growing up

that I was responsible for my parent's happiness. I've made great strides in

letting go of all that in the last two years, but this caught me off guard

today. My parents have spent every holiday, birthday and special occasion with

us forever while my husband's family moved out of state in the 90's and since

then we barely talk much less spend time together.

>

> Even before they moved out of state I tried to be fair with rotating holidays

and time spent with each family, yet there was always this underlying feeling of

guilt anytime we spent time with husband's family. And even a month ago when we

first started discussing the 80th party for mil, saying we'd all be together at

a hotel, my father commented that maybe we could all go to a hotel sometime too.

HUH?

> I could barely believe my ears and I don't know if he was serious, if he was

just expressing he wishes we spent more time together or was verbalizing that

this is something we could do for nada's upcoming 80th birthday. My parents and

I have never had similar ideas about recreational activities. My father has a

couple things he likes to do, gambling and car shows, and he does them

obsessively. My parents have never been once used the pool at a hotel, while my

husband, kids and I do so every chance we get.

>

> So basically I'm confused, I don't know if my father just wants to spend time

with us or if he's just trying to make me feel guilty that we're spending time

with my husband's family. The other thing is my parents have been generous to us

over the years, while my husband's family can't even compete, so I think my

father has this sense of entitlement about him that he should get preferential

treatment.

> But as I stated earlier, we haven't been together with my husband's family for

a long time and I feel my father needs to get over it. But I recall my counselor

saying that my father and mother are both profoundly and severely emotionally

retarded....so I guess I need to consider the source.

>

> Perhaps when we return from this weekend, I'll contact him to see what he

wants to do about nada's 80th birthday. However we did nothing special for his

80th birthday a few years ago because neither of my parent's ever wants any fuss

made over them....they avoid the spotlight of attention like the plague.

>

> I don't know if any of you can even follow this rambling but if you did, I

could use some fresh eyes for perspective.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I believe he is simply engaging in typical bpd thinking. You are going to see

your husband's family therefore you are neglecting your own.

Which as we know is ridiculous - you can have many people in your life whom you

make time for.

If it is any comfort to you, I went through something similar. My husband's

mother visited from Scotland and his family arranged a reunion of all his

relatives here in this country, then invited us. It happened to fall on my dad's

80th birthday and it was held out of town.

Hubby's mom was also 80, she had only visited once before and it wasn't likely

he would see her again and of course we went.

You would have though I committed murder! Nada carried on about how by missing

my dad's " special day " - which, by the way, he didn't mind, saying we can

celebrate the next weekend - I was " disloyal " to my family.

She carried a grudge for months. It was actually the first time I began to

realize just how crazy she was.

Yes, you're being guilt tripled.

Em

Sent from my blueberry.

> I've made so many strides of progress and then today one conversation with my

father has triggered old feelings.

>

> Long story short, this weekend we are traveling 4 hours to spend the weekend

with my husband's family to celebrate his mother's 80th birthday. She lives 10

hours away from here and we have not seen her in four years. This is the first

time in decades the entire family will be together and we are all looking

forward to it. My married son's birthday is the day before my MIL's birthday.

>

> My father called me today to verify this is the weekend we'll be gone and

asked if my son was also going and I said yes. Then my father got this pitiful

and dejected sound in his voice and said, " So there are no plans this weekend

for my son's b'day, well I guess we'll just mail him a card. "

>

> I'm the only child and I've always felt it was an unspoken rule growing up

that I was responsible for my parent's happiness. I've made great strides in

letting go of all that in the last two years, but this caught me off guard

today. My parents have spent every holiday, birthday and special occasion with

us forever while my husband's family moved out of state in the 90's and since

then we barely talk much less spend time together.

>

> Even before they moved out of state I tried to be fair with rotating holidays

and time spent with each family, yet there was always this underlying feeling of

guilt anytime we spent time with husband's family. And even a month ago when we

first started discussing the 80th party for mil, saying we'd all be together at

a hotel, my father commented that maybe we could all go to a hotel sometime too.

HUH?

> I could barely believe my ears and I don't know if he was serious, if he was

just expressing he wishes we spent more time together or was verbalizing that

this is something we could do for nada's upcoming 80th birthday. My parents and

I have never had similar ideas about recreational activities. My father has a

couple things he likes to do, gambling and car shows, and he does them

obsessively. My parents have never been once used the pool at a hotel, while my

husband, kids and I do so every chance we get.

>

> So basically I'm confused, I don't know if my father just wants to spend time

with us or if he's just trying to make me feel guilty that we're spending time

with my husband's family. The other thing is my parents have been generous to us

over the years, while my husband's family can't even compete, so I think my

father has this sense of entitlement about him that he should get preferential

treatment.

> But as I stated earlier, we haven't been together with my husband's family for

a long time and I feel my father needs to get over it. But I recall my counselor

saying that my father and mother are both profoundly and severely emotionally

retarded....so I guess I need to consider the source.

>

> Perhaps when we return from this weekend, I'll contact him to see what he

wants to do about nada's 80th birthday. However we did nothing special for his

80th birthday a few years ago because neither of my parent's ever wants any fuss

made over them....they avoid the spotlight of attention like the plague.

>

> I don't know if any of you can even follow this rambling but if you did, I

could use some fresh eyes for perspective.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I believe he is simply engaging in typical bpd thinking. You are going to see

your husband's family therefore you are neglecting your own.

Which as we know is ridiculous - you can have many people in your life whom you

make time for.

If it is any comfort to you, I went through something similar. My husband's

mother visited from Scotland and his family arranged a reunion of all his

relatives here in this country, then invited us. It happened to fall on my dad's

80th birthday and it was held out of town.

Hubby's mom was also 80, she had only visited once before and it wasn't likely

he would see her again and of course we went.

You would have though I committed murder! Nada carried on about how by missing

my dad's " special day " - which, by the way, he didn't mind, saying we can

celebrate the next weekend - I was " disloyal " to my family.

She carried a grudge for months. It was actually the first time I began to

realize just how crazy she was.

Yes, you're being guilt tripled.

Em

Sent from my blueberry.

> I've made so many strides of progress and then today one conversation with my

father has triggered old feelings.

>

> Long story short, this weekend we are traveling 4 hours to spend the weekend

with my husband's family to celebrate his mother's 80th birthday. She lives 10

hours away from here and we have not seen her in four years. This is the first

time in decades the entire family will be together and we are all looking

forward to it. My married son's birthday is the day before my MIL's birthday.

>

> My father called me today to verify this is the weekend we'll be gone and

asked if my son was also going and I said yes. Then my father got this pitiful

and dejected sound in his voice and said, " So there are no plans this weekend

for my son's b'day, well I guess we'll just mail him a card. "

>

> I'm the only child and I've always felt it was an unspoken rule growing up

that I was responsible for my parent's happiness. I've made great strides in

letting go of all that in the last two years, but this caught me off guard

today. My parents have spent every holiday, birthday and special occasion with

us forever while my husband's family moved out of state in the 90's and since

then we barely talk much less spend time together.

>

> Even before they moved out of state I tried to be fair with rotating holidays

and time spent with each family, yet there was always this underlying feeling of

guilt anytime we spent time with husband's family. And even a month ago when we

first started discussing the 80th party for mil, saying we'd all be together at

a hotel, my father commented that maybe we could all go to a hotel sometime too.

HUH?

> I could barely believe my ears and I don't know if he was serious, if he was

just expressing he wishes we spent more time together or was verbalizing that

this is something we could do for nada's upcoming 80th birthday. My parents and

I have never had similar ideas about recreational activities. My father has a

couple things he likes to do, gambling and car shows, and he does them

obsessively. My parents have never been once used the pool at a hotel, while my

husband, kids and I do so every chance we get.

>

> So basically I'm confused, I don't know if my father just wants to spend time

with us or if he's just trying to make me feel guilty that we're spending time

with my husband's family. The other thing is my parents have been generous to us

over the years, while my husband's family can't even compete, so I think my

father has this sense of entitlement about him that he should get preferential

treatment.

> But as I stated earlier, we haven't been together with my husband's family for

a long time and I feel my father needs to get over it. But I recall my counselor

saying that my father and mother are both profoundly and severely emotionally

retarded....so I guess I need to consider the source.

>

> Perhaps when we return from this weekend, I'll contact him to see what he

wants to do about nada's 80th birthday. However we did nothing special for his

80th birthday a few years ago because neither of my parent's ever wants any fuss

made over them....they avoid the spotlight of attention like the plague.

>

> I don't know if any of you can even follow this rambling but if you did, I

could use some fresh eyes for perspective.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi . This sounds like an obligation-guilt thing. You are not wrong.

Trust that heavy twist sense in your gut. it won't lead you wrong (and BTW, if

you are overreacting - so what, you're a grown up and can do whatever you

want)<smiles>

I think you called it right on. You informed your parents of the trip and now

that it is impending, guilt? No, that's about them and not you so you need not

react. Have fun on your trip and don't give it a second thought. Anything said

about your trip is manipulation. They could have just said, " Hey, why don't we

get together to celebrate after you get back? " But, they didn't.

Blessings!

Jaie