Re: Give it to me straight...

[Guest guest]

Patinage,

You made a mistake but this isn't the end of the world. Even the

best parent has bad days and makes mistakes. Please don't hate

yourself. You don't suck as a human being and this doesn't make

you a terrible mother. Leaving when you're so angry that you

can't act reasonably is not the worst choice in the world even

if it isn't the best choice. It is certainly better than saying

terrible things to your son or hitting him out of anger. When

you're feeling calm, have an age-appropriate talk with your son

about why what he did was wrong and why you did what you did.

Apologize if doing so seems appropriate. Reassure him if he

feels scared that you might walk out and not come back.

Even if your nada did this type of thing, there's a big

difference between you and her. You know that this wasn't a good

way of handling things and wish you'd done better. She most

likely never felt that way after doing it to you. Another

difference is that you can admit to making mistakes which she

probably never did.

Remember, you don't have to be perfect to be a good parent.

At 03:08 PM 01/19/2011 patinage4me wrote:

>I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I

>pulled a nada that as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed

>I would never do this.

>

>One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of

>late - the food, our house...kids stuff but at a consistently

>frustrating level. He was home sick yesterday with a very low

>fever and cold. His brothers have the same thing but I hadn't

>kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one of

>those days that he probably could have gone to school.

>

>In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory

>for my small business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I

>let it go at the time but when he started complaining at dinner

>again about everything, I could feel myself reaching a boiling

>point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

> " no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am

>leaving. " (dumb I know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I

>got up from my meal and left in the car leaving my husband and

>kids sitting there.

>

>Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't

>deserve motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do

>this when my parents fought and I hated it. It always scared me

>as a kid and I just did it. I went to a store and then the drug

>store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and was home

>as they were getting tucked into bed.

>

>I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom

>but she has been emailing about them going to my nephew's

>sports events and invited us as if it were her place to invite

>us. I am angry because she ruins these family moments by always

>being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

>then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids'

>schedule and figuring out how I could ever work when someone is

>home sick every other week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

>

>I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have

>failed again. I want to be a loving mom but reading some other

>topics and thinking about this, I know I haven't worked through

>all my stuff to be completely whole and available emotionally

>for my kids as I would like to be.

>

>not at peace right now

>patinage

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Whoa... hold on... you didn't do anything wrong.

There is a time and a place to excuse yourself from a day of battles with the

children. It is prefectly NORMAL to say " ENOUGH " ... you didn't flip the table

over, scream a bloody rage, call him names, or whatever... he was left with his

father who handled the rest of the evening. You were responsible in excusing

yourself from - what could have been a really REALLY bad exchange - and simply

going to do a chore - which was for the benefit of said child.

It probably stunned the whole table. But let's face it - THEY WERE OK. Mom put

her foot down and kept her integrity and didn't blow. She'd simply had ENOUGH!

I've walked off when teen 'gets going'... especially with the 'I hate this... I

hate that' rants. I've said, " That's great - do things differently when you're

the adult " and either gone for a walk or gone upstairs to my room. Ends the

griping and complaining.

You are having Nada-fleas. Don't scratch them! It is WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS AS

HUMAN BEING AND MOTHER AND WIFE to be treated with dignity and respect. If your

husband didn't step up/in on this, you did. For yourself. That is HUGE

PROGRESS for a KO.

There is NO comparison to what you did and what your mom used to do. That was a

fight with her husband. I would imagine a dramatic hysterical fight carried out

in front of the kids or within ear-shot. Traumatizing the kids because, given

Nada's history of this raging, you didn't know if you'd be sleeping a car that

night. NO comparison. Not one bit!!!!

Your children aren't used to you setting boundaries for yourself. They're not

going to adjust to the change well (took mine almost a year... and he's still

pushing occasionally.) Add to that the sick kid, whine factor and it's a bomb

waiting to explode. You did wonderfully!

My therapist would congradulate you all over the place!!! She taught me to

'walk off' when in these situations, too.

Kudos, baby... ya done good!

Lynnette

>

> I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada that

as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

>

> One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the food,

our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was home sick

yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same thing but I

hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one of those days

that he probably could have gone to school.

>

> In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

>

> Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

>

> I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

>

> I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

>

> not at peace right now

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

Whoa... hold on... you didn't do anything wrong.

There is a time and a place to excuse yourself from a day of battles with the

children. It is prefectly NORMAL to say " ENOUGH " ... you didn't flip the table

over, scream a bloody rage, call him names, or whatever... he was left with his

father who handled the rest of the evening. You were responsible in excusing

yourself from - what could have been a really REALLY bad exchange - and simply

going to do a chore - which was for the benefit of said child.

It probably stunned the whole table. But let's face it - THEY WERE OK. Mom put

her foot down and kept her integrity and didn't blow. She'd simply had ENOUGH!

I've walked off when teen 'gets going'... especially with the 'I hate this... I

hate that' rants. I've said, " That's great - do things differently when you're

the adult " and either gone for a walk or gone upstairs to my room. Ends the

griping and complaining.

You are having Nada-fleas. Don't scratch them! It is WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS AS

HUMAN BEING AND MOTHER AND WIFE to be treated with dignity and respect. If your

husband didn't step up/in on this, you did. For yourself. That is HUGE

PROGRESS for a KO.

There is NO comparison to what you did and what your mom used to do. That was a

fight with her husband. I would imagine a dramatic hysterical fight carried out

in front of the kids or within ear-shot. Traumatizing the kids because, given

Nada's history of this raging, you didn't know if you'd be sleeping a car that

night. NO comparison. Not one bit!!!!

Your children aren't used to you setting boundaries for yourself. They're not

going to adjust to the change well (took mine almost a year... and he's still

pushing occasionally.) Add to that the sick kid, whine factor and it's a bomb

waiting to explode. You did wonderfully!

My therapist would congradulate you all over the place!!! She taught me to

'walk off' when in these situations, too.

Kudos, baby... ya done good!

Lynnette

>

> I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada that

as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

>

> One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the food,

our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was home sick

yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same thing but I

hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one of those days

that he probably could have gone to school.

>

> In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

>

> Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

>

> I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

>

> I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

>

> not at peace right now

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

Whoa... hold on... you didn't do anything wrong.

There is a time and a place to excuse yourself from a day of battles with the

children. It is prefectly NORMAL to say " ENOUGH " ... you didn't flip the table

over, scream a bloody rage, call him names, or whatever... he was left with his

father who handled the rest of the evening. You were responsible in excusing

yourself from - what could have been a really REALLY bad exchange - and simply

going to do a chore - which was for the benefit of said child.

It probably stunned the whole table. But let's face it - THEY WERE OK. Mom put

her foot down and kept her integrity and didn't blow. She'd simply had ENOUGH!

I've walked off when teen 'gets going'... especially with the 'I hate this... I

hate that' rants. I've said, " That's great - do things differently when you're

the adult " and either gone for a walk or gone upstairs to my room. Ends the

griping and complaining.

You are having Nada-fleas. Don't scratch them! It is WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS AS

HUMAN BEING AND MOTHER AND WIFE to be treated with dignity and respect. If your

husband didn't step up/in on this, you did. For yourself. That is HUGE

PROGRESS for a KO.

There is NO comparison to what you did and what your mom used to do. That was a

fight with her husband. I would imagine a dramatic hysterical fight carried out

in front of the kids or within ear-shot. Traumatizing the kids because, given

Nada's history of this raging, you didn't know if you'd be sleeping a car that

night. NO comparison. Not one bit!!!!

Your children aren't used to you setting boundaries for yourself. They're not

going to adjust to the change well (took mine almost a year... and he's still

pushing occasionally.) Add to that the sick kid, whine factor and it's a bomb

waiting to explode. You did wonderfully!

My therapist would congradulate you all over the place!!! She taught me to

'walk off' when in these situations, too.

Kudos, baby... ya done good!

Lynnette

>

> I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada that

as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

>

> One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the food,

our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was home sick

yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same thing but I

hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one of those days

that he probably could have gone to school.

>

> In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

>

> Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

>

> I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

>

> I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

>

> not at peace right now

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

I agree, well put!

Getting angry, frustrated, and reaching the end of your rope from time to time

is NORMAL. Its how you handle it that counts, and you did well!

You didn't hit your child, you didn't scream at him, call him ugly names and

tell him he was a bad person and you wish he would just die. You didn't destroy

his feeling of self-worth. You didn't project and blame. You didn't leave him

alone and unsupervised.

You gave yourself a " time out " to recover your emotional equilibrium.

That's a good thing to do! That's a rational, adult thing to do!

Maybe next time it will make you feel better to say something like, " I'm feeling

VERY frustrated and upset right now, and angry, and so I'm going to walk around

the block until I feel more myself and centered again. I'll be back in about an

hour. "

That's not being abusive, that's being a grown up!

I applaud you!

-Annie

>

> I'm with Lynette. I think it is fine to leave. There are MUCH MUCH MUCH

> worse things.

>

> I work on preventing child abuse and one of the things we teach parents is

> that if you are loosing it and your kids are safe, you can give yourself a

> break and walk away for a short time. Leaving to buy cough medicine is NOT

> abusing your child, esp if he is in the care of a safe adult.

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Fiona!

But I must give credit where credit is due: after being raised by a witch &

dishrag, I found a wonderful T who not only helped me break away from nada, but

helped my DH & I through marital probs and taught us functional parenting

strategies (accountability, respect, kindness, what battles to choose).

We now have 2 beautiful adult children who (I think) are well adjusted to pursue

their dreams, know the family background and what to watch out for, and we share

mutual respect. No one is golden, no one is a black sheep. Time will tell, but

they are in a much healthier space than my husband and I were at the same age.

In other words, my T has been a MUCH better 'surrogate matriarch' for my family.

While maintaining all the proper professional boundaries. She's a gem.

> > >

> > > I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada

that as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

> > >

> > > One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the

food, our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was

home sick yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same

thing but I hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one

of those days that he probably could have gone to school.

> > >

> > > In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

> > >

> > > Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

> > >

> > > I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

> > >

> > > I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

> > >

> > > not at peace right now

> > > patinage

> > >

> >

>