Re: Give it to me straight...

[Guest guest]

Patinage,

You made a mistake but this isn't the end of the world. Even the

best parent has bad days and makes mistakes. Please don't hate

yourself. You don't suck as a human being and this doesn't make

you a terrible mother. Leaving when you're so angry that you

can't act reasonably is not the worst choice in the world even

if it isn't the best choice. It is certainly better than saying

terrible things to your son or hitting him out of anger. When

you're feeling calm, have an age-appropriate talk with your son

about why what he did was wrong and why you did what you did.

Apologize if doing so seems appropriate. Reassure him if he

feels scared that you might walk out and not come back.

Even if your nada did this type of thing, there's a big

difference between you and her. You know that this wasn't a good

way of handling things and wish you'd done better. She most

likely never felt that way after doing it to you. Another

difference is that you can admit to making mistakes which she

probably never did.

Remember, you don't have to be perfect to be a good parent.

At 03:08 PM 01/19/2011 patinage4me wrote:

>I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I

>pulled a nada that as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed

>I would never do this.

>

>One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of

>late - the food, our house...kids stuff but at a consistently

>frustrating level. He was home sick yesterday with a very low

>fever and cold. His brothers have the same thing but I hadn't

>kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one of

>those days that he probably could have gone to school.

>

>In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory

>for my small business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I

>let it go at the time but when he started complaining at dinner

>again about everything, I could feel myself reaching a boiling

>point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

> " no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am

>leaving. " (dumb I know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I

>got up from my meal and left in the car leaving my husband and

>kids sitting there.

>

>Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't

>deserve motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do

>this when my parents fought and I hated it. It always scared me

>as a kid and I just did it. I went to a store and then the drug

>store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and was home

>as they were getting tucked into bed.

>

>I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom

>but she has been emailing about them going to my nephew's

>sports events and invited us as if it were her place to invite

>us. I am angry because she ruins these family moments by always

>being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

>then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids'

>schedule and figuring out how I could ever work when someone is

>home sick every other week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

>

>I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have

>failed again. I want to be a loving mom but reading some other

>topics and thinking about this, I know I haven't worked through

>all my stuff to be completely whole and available emotionally

>for my kids as I would like to be.

>

>not at peace right now

>patinage

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Patinage,

You made a mistake but this isn't the end of the world. Even the

best parent has bad days and makes mistakes. Please don't hate

yourself. You don't suck as a human being and this doesn't make

you a terrible mother. Leaving when you're so angry that you

can't act reasonably is not the worst choice in the world even

if it isn't the best choice. It is certainly better than saying

terrible things to your son or hitting him out of anger. When

you're feeling calm, have an age-appropriate talk with your son

about why what he did was wrong and why you did what you did.

Apologize if doing so seems appropriate. Reassure him if he

feels scared that you might walk out and not come back.

Even if your nada did this type of thing, there's a big

difference between you and her. You know that this wasn't a good

way of handling things and wish you'd done better. She most

likely never felt that way after doing it to you. Another

difference is that you can admit to making mistakes which she

probably never did.

Remember, you don't have to be perfect to be a good parent.

At 03:08 PM 01/19/2011 patinage4me wrote:

>I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I

>pulled a nada that as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed

>I would never do this.

>

>One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of

>late - the food, our house...kids stuff but at a consistently

>frustrating level. He was home sick yesterday with a very low

>fever and cold. His brothers have the same thing but I hadn't

>kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one of

>those days that he probably could have gone to school.

>

>In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory

>for my small business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I

>let it go at the time but when he started complaining at dinner

>again about everything, I could feel myself reaching a boiling

>point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

> " no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am

>leaving. " (dumb I know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I

>got up from my meal and left in the car leaving my husband and

>kids sitting there.

>

>Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't

>deserve motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do

>this when my parents fought and I hated it. It always scared me

>as a kid and I just did it. I went to a store and then the drug

>store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and was home

>as they were getting tucked into bed.

>

>I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom

>but she has been emailing about them going to my nephew's

>sports events and invited us as if it were her place to invite

>us. I am angry because she ruins these family moments by always

>being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

>then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids'

>schedule and figuring out how I could ever work when someone is

>home sick every other week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

>

>I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have

>failed again. I want to be a loving mom but reading some other

>topics and thinking about this, I know I haven't worked through

>all my stuff to be completely whole and available emotionally

>for my kids as I would like to be.

>

>not at peace right now

>patinage

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

One more thing...

The best lesson of 'how things work in the world' we can EVER hope to give our

children is what you taught your son last night... when a person is unreasonably

demanding and complains and is bitter to be around - like it or NOT - people

will leave or he will be terminated from his position at work. Period.

Now that doesn't mean that he should negate his legitimate concerns, needs,

beliefs, etc. It does mean that incessant whining, et al is a sure fast track

to the isolation room. What that does mean is if he has a legitimate problem -

and a history of 'this' - there will be no one around to help, let alone care.

Tough lesson - invaluable none-the-less.

It happened at my house. I won't go into details here for the sake of teen

but... he spent several months whining about 'nuthin' and so I dismissed other

things, too. Well, one of those 'other things' turned out to be real. He

tried, for some time, after the real thing was verified to blame it on me. I

put it right back in his lap about 'crying wolf and credibility.' Need I say

that he's learned that lesson HARD AND FAST and has completely changed his tune.

That's all you did... reality lesson 101.

Lynnette

> >

> > I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada

that as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

> >

> > One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the

food, our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was

home sick yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same

thing but I hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one

of those days that he probably could have gone to school.

> >

> > In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

> >

> > Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

> >

> > I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

> >

> > I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

> >

> > not at peace right now

> > patinage

> >

>

[Guest guest]

One more thing...

The best lesson of 'how things work in the world' we can EVER hope to give our

children is what you taught your son last night... when a person is unreasonably

demanding and complains and is bitter to be around - like it or NOT - people

will leave or he will be terminated from his position at work. Period.

Now that doesn't mean that he should negate his legitimate concerns, needs,

beliefs, etc. It does mean that incessant whining, et al is a sure fast track

to the isolation room. What that does mean is if he has a legitimate problem -

and a history of 'this' - there will be no one around to help, let alone care.

Tough lesson - invaluable none-the-less.

It happened at my house. I won't go into details here for the sake of teen

but... he spent several months whining about 'nuthin' and so I dismissed other

things, too. Well, one of those 'other things' turned out to be real. He

tried, for some time, after the real thing was verified to blame it on me. I

put it right back in his lap about 'crying wolf and credibility.' Need I say

that he's learned that lesson HARD AND FAST and has completely changed his tune.

That's all you did... reality lesson 101.

Lynnette

> >

> > I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada

that as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

> >

> > One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the

food, our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was

home sick yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same

thing but I hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one

of those days that he probably could have gone to school.

> >

> > In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

> >

> > Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

> >

> > I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

> >

> > I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

> >

> > not at peace right now

> > patinage

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm with Lynette. I think it is fine to leave. There are MUCH MUCH MUCH

worse things.

I work on preventing child abuse and one of the things we teach parents is

that if you are loosing it and your kids are safe, you can give yourself a

break and walk away for a short time. Leaving to buy cough medicine is NOT

abusing your child, esp if he is in the care of a safe adult.

On Wed, Jan 19, 2011 at 1:57 PM, yp_lynnette_cameron_park <

h_l_maston@...> wrote:

>

>

> One more thing...

>

> The best lesson of 'how things work in the world' we can EVER hope to give

> our children is what you taught your son last night... when a person is

> unreasonably demanding and complains and is bitter to be around - like it or

> NOT - people will leave or he will be terminated from his position at work.

> Period.

>

> Now that doesn't mean that he should negate his legitimate concerns, needs,

> beliefs, etc. It does mean that incessant whining, et al is a sure fast

> track to the isolation room. What that does mean is if he has a legitimate

> problem - and a history of 'this' - there will be no one around to help, let

> alone care. Tough lesson - invaluable none-the-less.

>

> It happened at my house. I won't go into details here for the sake of teen

> but... he spent several months whining about 'nuthin' and so I dismissed

> other things, too. Well, one of those 'other things' turned out to be real.

> He tried, for some time, after the real thing was verified to blame it on

> me. I put it right back in his lap about 'crying wolf and credibility.' Need

> I say that he's learned that lesson HARD AND FAST and has completely changed

> his tune.

>

> That's all you did... reality lesson 101.

>

> Lynnette

>

>

>

> > >

> > > I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a

> nada that as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

> > >

> > > One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late -

> the food, our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He

> was home sick yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have

> the same thing but I hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever.

> It was one of those days that he probably could have gone to school.

> > >

> > > In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my

> small business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the

> time but when he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I

> could feel myself reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out.

> He sat there and said " no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs

> or I am leaving. " (dumb I know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got

> up from my meal and left in the car leaving my husband and kids sitting

> there.

> > >

> > > Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

> motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents

> fought and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I

> went to a store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for

> the kids and was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

> > >

> > > I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she

> has been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited

> us as if it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these

> family moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my

> mind and then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids'

> schedule and figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick

> every other week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

> > >

> > > I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed

> again. I want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking

> about this, I know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely

> whole and available emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

> > >

> > > not at peace right now

> > > patinage

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Parenting is NOT for sissies, kiddo. Don t ever believe otherwise.

Better to take a time out yourself than to blow.

If you feel your actions or words were wrong, don t be afraid to

apologize. But don t react to it or correct it in the grip of emotion.

As for your statement about Mom s stuff coloring what you do with your

family..........ah.......yea?

No shit.

That is one of the many reasons we resolve to take back our lives, and

Stop with the Friggin Eggshells already. They can push their shit down

thru us to our kids. They won t stop pushing it, dishing it out.

We can choose to break the cycle. That starts with believing you have

the right to review a lifetime of what you have taken, and what you are

taking now, and conclude

Ah, HELL no!

Be gentle with yourself. You make mistakes. You learn. You grow.

We strive for spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.

Our spirits were damaged, broken, and smothered by our Mothers.

But there is a gentle , soft wind blowing. Put your face in it. Step

out of the smoke, it burns your eyes.

And , love yourself. You do deserve it. You really do.

Doug

> >

> > Whoa... hold on... you didn't do anything wrong.

> >

> > There is a time and a place to excuse yourself from a day of battles

with the children. It is prefectly NORMAL to say " ENOUGH " ... you

didn't flip the table over, scream a bloody rage, call him names, or

whatever... he was left with his father who handled the rest of the

evening. You were responsible in excusing yourself from - what could

have been a really REALLY bad exchange - and simply going to do a chore

- which was for the benefit of said child.

> >

> > It probably stunned the whole table. But let's face it - THEY WERE

OK. Mom put her foot down and kept her integrity and didn't blow.

She'd simply had ENOUGH!

> >

> > I've walked off when teen 'gets going'... especially with the 'I

hate this... I hate that' rants. I've said, " That's great - do things

differently when you're the adult " and either gone for a walk or gone

upstairs to my room. Ends the griping and complaining.

> >

> > You are having Nada-fleas. Don't scratch them! It is WITHIN YOUR

RIGHTS AS HUMAN BEING AND MOTHER AND WIFE to be treated with dignity and

respect. If your husband didn't step up/in on this, you did. For

yourself. That is HUGE PROGRESS for a KO.

> >

> > There is NO comparison to what you did and what your mom used to do.

That was a fight with her husband. I would imagine a dramatic

hysterical fight carried out in front of the kids or within ear-shot.

Traumatizing the kids because, given Nada's history of this raging, you

didn't know if you'd be sleeping a car that night. NO comparison. Not

one bit!!!!

> >

> > Your children aren't used to you setting boundaries for yourself.

They're not going to adjust to the change well (took mine almost a

year... and he's still pushing occasionally.) Add to that the sick kid,

whine factor and it's a bomb waiting to explode. You did wonderfully!

> >

> > My therapist would congradulate you all over the place!!! She

taught me to 'walk off' when in these situations, too.

> >

> > Kudos, baby... ya done good!

> >

> > Lynnette

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Parenting is NOT for sissies, kiddo. Don t ever believe otherwise.

Better to take a time out yourself than to blow.

If you feel your actions or words were wrong, don t be afraid to

apologize. But don t react to it or correct it in the grip of emotion.

As for your statement about Mom s stuff coloring what you do with your

family..........ah.......yea?

No shit.

That is one of the many reasons we resolve to take back our lives, and

Stop with the Friggin Eggshells already. They can push their shit down

thru us to our kids. They won t stop pushing it, dishing it out.

We can choose to break the cycle. That starts with believing you have

the right to review a lifetime of what you have taken, and what you are

taking now, and conclude

Ah, HELL no!

Be gentle with yourself. You make mistakes. You learn. You grow.

We strive for spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.

Our spirits were damaged, broken, and smothered by our Mothers.

But there is a gentle , soft wind blowing. Put your face in it. Step

out of the smoke, it burns your eyes.

And , love yourself. You do deserve it. You really do.

Doug

> >

> > Whoa... hold on... you didn't do anything wrong.

> >

> > There is a time and a place to excuse yourself from a day of battles

with the children. It is prefectly NORMAL to say " ENOUGH " ... you

didn't flip the table over, scream a bloody rage, call him names, or

whatever... he was left with his father who handled the rest of the

evening. You were responsible in excusing yourself from - what could

have been a really REALLY bad exchange - and simply going to do a chore

- which was for the benefit of said child.

> >

> > It probably stunned the whole table. But let's face it - THEY WERE

OK. Mom put her foot down and kept her integrity and didn't blow.

She'd simply had ENOUGH!

> >

> > I've walked off when teen 'gets going'... especially with the 'I

hate this... I hate that' rants. I've said, " That's great - do things

differently when you're the adult " and either gone for a walk or gone

upstairs to my room. Ends the griping and complaining.

> >

> > You are having Nada-fleas. Don't scratch them! It is WITHIN YOUR

RIGHTS AS HUMAN BEING AND MOTHER AND WIFE to be treated with dignity and

respect. If your husband didn't step up/in on this, you did. For

yourself. That is HUGE PROGRESS for a KO.

> >

> > There is NO comparison to what you did and what your mom used to do.

That was a fight with her husband. I would imagine a dramatic

hysterical fight carried out in front of the kids or within ear-shot.

Traumatizing the kids because, given Nada's history of this raging, you

didn't know if you'd be sleeping a car that night. NO comparison. Not

one bit!!!!

> >

> > Your children aren't used to you setting boundaries for yourself.

They're not going to adjust to the change well (took mine almost a

year... and he's still pushing occasionally.) Add to that the sick kid,

whine factor and it's a bomb waiting to explode. You did wonderfully!

> >

> > My therapist would congradulate you all over the place!!! She

taught me to 'walk off' when in these situations, too.

> >

> > Kudos, baby... ya done good!

> >

> > Lynnette

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks guys. I was crying about it last night and again today. Now I am crying

happy tears from your support.

I did say on my way out the door, " If I had talked to my parents the way you are

talking to me, I would have gotten' my a$# kicked. " But I guess that still isn't

taking it out on him, just not a nice way to talk around the kids. I like the

walk around the block thing as I drove the first three blocks with my lights

off. Oops.

The more I think about it, it really triggered feelings I had from my childhood

when my mom would take off during my parents' fights. She would make extreme

threats as she walked out the door and she would never have any remorse or

concern for how it affected us. Wow, I've talked about that but I don't know

that I ever let myself feel how I felt about it. Ugh, how could she treat us

that way? We were disposable. That sucks.

more peaceful, thanks

patinage

[Guest guest]

Thanks guys. I was crying about it last night and again today. Now I am crying

happy tears from your support.

I did say on my way out the door, " If I had talked to my parents the way you are

talking to me, I would have gotten' my a$# kicked. " But I guess that still isn't

taking it out on him, just not a nice way to talk around the kids. I like the

walk around the block thing as I drove the first three blocks with my lights

off. Oops.

The more I think about it, it really triggered feelings I had from my childhood

when my mom would take off during my parents' fights. She would make extreme

threats as she walked out the door and she would never have any remorse or

concern for how it affected us. Wow, I've talked about that but I don't know

that I ever let myself feel how I felt about it. Ugh, how could she treat us

that way? We were disposable. That sucks.

more peaceful, thanks

patinage

[Guest guest]

LOL, Doug. Your phrase would make a great t-shirt. " Parenthood isn't for

sissies. " It would make a great baby shower gift.

patinage

[Guest guest]

LOL, Doug. Your phrase would make a great t-shirt. " Parenthood isn't for

sissies. " It would make a great baby shower gift.

patinage

[Guest guest]

Ouch! Please remember we learn these behaviors as innocent children and it takes

time and experience to avoid doing them. So learn from it but don't beat

yourself up!

I just sent my difficult kid off to college. Believe me, the worst thing you did

today was give your son the power to run you off. And if he's anything like

mine, you need to do damage control and make sure he knows you won't be pushed

out of the house again. You might have worried them all, too. Everything is

fixable in a loving family.

Any time I made a parental no-no, I always called a family meeting to share our

feelings about what happened and why. Also, it was a way for me to apologize and

take back my Mom power in one shot. It may seem like overkill to some, but in my

FOO we had so many undiscussables that I refused to raise my kids without open

communication.

You all will rebound soon, and I hope you son is better tomorrow! <<HUGS>>

>

> I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada that

as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

>

> One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the food,

our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was home sick

yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same thing but I

hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one of those days

that he probably could have gone to school.

>

> In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

>

> Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

>

> I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

>

> I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

>

> not at peace right now

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

Ouch! Please remember we learn these behaviors as innocent children and it takes

time and experience to avoid doing them. So learn from it but don't beat

yourself up!

I just sent my difficult kid off to college. Believe me, the worst thing you did

today was give your son the power to run you off. And if he's anything like

mine, you need to do damage control and make sure he knows you won't be pushed

out of the house again. You might have worried them all, too. Everything is

fixable in a loving family.

Any time I made a parental no-no, I always called a family meeting to share our

feelings about what happened and why. Also, it was a way for me to apologize and

take back my Mom power in one shot. It may seem like overkill to some, but in my

FOO we had so many undiscussables that I refused to raise my kids without open

communication.

You all will rebound soon, and I hope you son is better tomorrow! <<HUGS>>

>

> I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada that

as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

>

> One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the food,

our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was home sick

yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same thing but I

hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one of those days

that he probably could have gone to school.

>

> In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

>

> Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

>

> I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

>

> I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

>

> not at peace right now

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

<<<Patinage>>> THANK YOU for sharing and for being so vulnerable (you know what

I mean).

I have felt that way so many times with my kids, esp my teen, ho boy!, but have

been too embarrassed to share, too ashamed that I was becoming like my mother.

I think the difference with us is that we're talking about it. We're not

pretending we're always right, you know? Also, I don't see that you did

anything wrong. You walked out before you got more upset and you didn't leave

your kids on a highway or anything. You left them with your husband.

I cannot tell you how many times this week I have thought, " I don't know why I

am a mother. I suck at this. Can't someone else raise them????? "

I appreciate your sharing. It's such a relief.

Fiona

>

> I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada that

as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

>

> One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the food,

our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was home sick

yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same thing but I

hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one of those days

that he probably could have gone to school.

>

> In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

>

> Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

>

> I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

>

> I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

>

> not at peace right now

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

<<<Patinage>>> THANK YOU for sharing and for being so vulnerable (you know what

I mean).

I have felt that way so many times with my kids, esp my teen, ho boy!, but have

been too embarrassed to share, too ashamed that I was becoming like my mother.

I think the difference with us is that we're talking about it. We're not

pretending we're always right, you know? Also, I don't see that you did

anything wrong. You walked out before you got more upset and you didn't leave

your kids on a highway or anything. You left them with your husband.

I cannot tell you how many times this week I have thought, " I don't know why I

am a mother. I suck at this. Can't someone else raise them????? "

I appreciate your sharing. It's such a relief.

Fiona

>

> I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada that

as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

>

> One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the food,

our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was home sick

yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same thing but I

hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one of those days

that he probably could have gone to school.

>

> In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

>

> Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

>

> I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

>

> I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

>

> not at peace right now

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

Echo, I love your family strategies. I'm writing those down!

Esp: " Everything is fixable in a loving family. "

Beautiful.

> >

> > I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada

that as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

> >

> > One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the

food, our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was

home sick yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same

thing but I hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one

of those days that he probably could have gone to school.

> >

> > In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

> >

> > Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

> >

> > I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

> >

> > I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

> >

> > not at peace right now

> > patinage

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Echo, I love your family strategies. I'm writing those down!

Esp: " Everything is fixable in a loving family. "

Beautiful.

> >

> > I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada

that as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

> >

> > One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the

food, our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was

home sick yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same

thing but I hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one

of those days that he probably could have gone to school.

> >

> > In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

> >

> > Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

> >

> > I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

> >

> > I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

> >

> > not at peace right now

> > patinage

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm with the other posters on this thread. A child needs to learn that too much

is too much sometimes, and you did what you had to do to get yourself out of the

situation without being abusive to him.

When you come out of the kinds of situations we grew up in, you really don't

know *what's* normal and OK at all. I struggle with this in many areas of my

life.

I think you did fine. And I also think your boy probably learned something.

((((hugs))))

--.

[Guest guest]

I hear ya' Fiona. We have one more year before we officially hit the teen years

so I am sure it will get harder before it gets easier. It is so hard because

parenting requires you to be resolute and confident in so many areas. I am

always questioning if I am doing things the right way because I can't rely on

the way I was parented to be the right way.

perpetrating peaceful parenting

patinage

[Guest guest]

I hear ya' Fiona. We have one more year before we officially hit the teen years

so I am sure it will get harder before it gets easier. It is so hard because

parenting requires you to be resolute and confident in so many areas. I am

always questioning if I am doing things the right way because I can't rely on

the way I was parented to be the right way.

perpetrating peaceful parenting

patinage

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Fiona!

But I must give credit where credit is due: after being raised by a witch &

dishrag, I found a wonderful T who not only helped me break away from nada, but

helped my DH & I through marital probs and taught us functional parenting

strategies (accountability, respect, kindness, what battles to choose).

We now have 2 beautiful adult children who (I think) are well adjusted to pursue

their dreams, know the family background and what to watch out for, and we share

mutual respect. No one is golden, no one is a black sheep. Time will tell, but

they are in a much healthier space than my husband and I were at the same age.

In other words, my T has been a MUCH better 'surrogate matriarch' for my family.

While maintaining all the proper professional boundaries. She's a gem.

> > >

> > > I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada

that as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

> > >

> > > One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the

food, our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was

home sick yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same

thing but I hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one

of those days that he probably could have gone to school.

> > >

> > > In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

> > >

> > > Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

> > >

> > > I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has

been emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if

it were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family

moments by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and

then a job offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and

figuring out how I could ever work when someone is home sick every other

week...ugh, no excuse, I know.

> > >

> > > I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I

want to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I

know I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

> > >

> > > not at peace right now

> > > patinage

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Patinage,

I understand that you feel bad because of the feeling that you may have scared

your kids, and because your nada used to scare you by leaving.

2 points:

You didn't do the same thing, or as often, and don't repeat it constantly

Also, your kids probably don't feel as upset as you did in those circumstances

because they have had a lifetime of good mothering from you and have security

and peace deep within.

By the way,

I really appreciated your story because it gives me an example of a better way

to handle things than aggressing by yelling. I will try to give myself relief

sooner so I don't explode as often, but if I am really freaking out, I think

leaving for a short time would be a better option. (I will try to make sure

they understand it is a temporary break.)

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada that

as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.>

> not at peace right now

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Patinage,

I understand that you feel bad because of the feeling that you may have scared

your kids, and because your nada used to scare you by leaving.

2 points:

You didn't do the same thing, or as often, and don't repeat it constantly

Also, your kids probably don't feel as upset as you did in those circumstances

because they have had a lifetime of good mothering from you and have security

and peace deep within.

By the way,

I really appreciated your story because it gives me an example of a better way

to handle things than aggressing by yelling. I will try to give myself relief

sooner so I don't explode as often, but if I am really freaking out, I think

leaving for a short time would be a better option. (I will try to make sure

they understand it is a temporary break.)

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada that

as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.>

> not at peace right now

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Patinage,

I understand that you feel bad because of the feeling that you may have scared

your kids, and because your nada used to scare you by leaving.

2 points:

You didn't do the same thing, or as often, and don't repeat it constantly

Also, your kids probably don't feel as upset as you did in those circumstances

because they have had a lifetime of good mothering from you and have security

and peace deep within.

By the way,

I really appreciated your story because it gives me an example of a better way

to handle things than aggressing by yelling. I will try to give myself relief

sooner so I don't explode as often, but if I am really freaking out, I think

leaving for a short time would be a better option. (I will try to make sure

they understand it is a temporary break.)

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada that

as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.>

> not at peace right now

> patinage

>