Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 I know I'm angry, and I know I have a right to be angry, but maybe I don't know how to express it. I don't know. How could I when I was never allowed to? Right now, the familiarity of the dark hole of depression is actually more soothing than trying to fight it off. I'm out of energy for it at the moment. It feels worthless to keep fighting right now, almost like it would be better to temporarily wave the white flag, give in to the anger/sadness/whatever and just feel it. Because eventually I'll pull myself up by my damned boot straps and crawl back out. I always do. I guess I need to be selfish & wallow in self pity right now. Again, something else I was never allowed to do... to actually feel sorry for myself? That would be " playing the victim " according to nada. It's things like that that she would say that really make me feel that somewhere deep down inside her own bitter darkness she knows what she did was wrong; that I was her victim... her plaything for her own crazy & somewhat sadistic needs. I keep trying so damn hard not to be her victim anymore, but I feel that my mind has been warped beyond all recognition. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I don't really know where she ends & I begin because I was never allowed to be me. I'm still not sure who the hell I am. I feel like an utter failure at everything I attempt but I also feel that I was never given the opportunity to succeed & thrive. I'm trying to give myself that opportunity now, it's completely unfamiliar. I'm tired of being sucked back in by what is apparently my own volition. I'm tired of flashbacks trying to suck me back in. I've been managing to stop them through techniques my T has taught me but it's like the harder I fight them, the more frequently they happen. I am also lost in much fantasy lately about things that I won't talk about here because they scare me. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 I know I'm angry, and I know I have a right to be angry, but maybe I don't know how to express it. I don't know. How could I when I was never allowed to? Right now, the familiarity of the dark hole of depression is actually more soothing than trying to fight it off. I'm out of energy for it at the moment. It feels worthless to keep fighting right now, almost like it would be better to temporarily wave the white flag, give in to the anger/sadness/whatever and just feel it. Because eventually I'll pull myself up by my damned boot straps and crawl back out. I always do. I guess I need to be selfish & wallow in self pity right now. Again, something else I was never allowed to do... to actually feel sorry for myself? That would be " playing the victim " according to nada. It's things like that that she would say that really make me feel that somewhere deep down inside her own bitter darkness she knows what she did was wrong; that I was her victim... her plaything for her own crazy & somewhat sadistic needs. I keep trying so damn hard not to be her victim anymore, but I feel that my mind has been warped beyond all recognition. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I don't really know where she ends & I begin because I was never allowed to be me. I'm still not sure who the hell I am. I feel like an utter failure at everything I attempt but I also feel that I was never given the opportunity to succeed & thrive. I'm trying to give myself that opportunity now, it's completely unfamiliar. I'm tired of being sucked back in by what is apparently my own volition. I'm tired of flashbacks trying to suck me back in. I've been managing to stop them through techniques my T has taught me but it's like the harder I fight them, the more frequently they happen. I am also lost in much fantasy lately about things that I won't talk about here because they scare me. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 I know I'm angry, and I know I have a right to be angry, but maybe I don't know how to express it. I don't know. How could I when I was never allowed to? Right now, the familiarity of the dark hole of depression is actually more soothing than trying to fight it off. I'm out of energy for it at the moment. It feels worthless to keep fighting right now, almost like it would be better to temporarily wave the white flag, give in to the anger/sadness/whatever and just feel it. Because eventually I'll pull myself up by my damned boot straps and crawl back out. I always do. I guess I need to be selfish & wallow in self pity right now. Again, something else I was never allowed to do... to actually feel sorry for myself? That would be " playing the victim " according to nada. It's things like that that she would say that really make me feel that somewhere deep down inside her own bitter darkness she knows what she did was wrong; that I was her victim... her plaything for her own crazy & somewhat sadistic needs. I keep trying so damn hard not to be her victim anymore, but I feel that my mind has been warped beyond all recognition. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I don't really know where she ends & I begin because I was never allowed to be me. I'm still not sure who the hell I am. I feel like an utter failure at everything I attempt but I also feel that I was never given the opportunity to succeed & thrive. I'm trying to give myself that opportunity now, it's completely unfamiliar. I'm tired of being sucked back in by what is apparently my own volition. I'm tired of flashbacks trying to suck me back in. I've been managing to stop them through techniques my T has taught me but it's like the harder I fight them, the more frequently they happen. I am also lost in much fantasy lately about things that I won't talk about here because they scare me. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks Jaie. My T has told me before that she thinks I cry as a release. I agree, but I also hate hate hate it. It was another one of those things I wasn't allowed to do as a kid and would result in violence from nada. I still feel very uncomfortable crying, especially around other people. God it makes me feel so much worse and it's like a cycle... the worse I feel the harder I cry. I also cry when I'm angry. That's my anger response. No matter how hard nada tried to beat it out of me, I couldn't stop it. I still can't. I hardly ever bother with makeup because I hate to look in the mirror, but yes it does oddly make me feel somewhat better about myself. But again, because I can't stand to even look at myself it's very hard. I just keep on dwelling on the damn past & things I can't change. I've made a lot of changes with me... I'm very aware that the only one in this world I can change is me, but I'm so tired. So so tired. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and be someone else. Mia > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks Jaie. My T has told me before that she thinks I cry as a release. I agree, but I also hate hate hate it. It was another one of those things I wasn't allowed to do as a kid and would result in violence from nada. I still feel very uncomfortable crying, especially around other people. God it makes me feel so much worse and it's like a cycle... the worse I feel the harder I cry. I also cry when I'm angry. That's my anger response. No matter how hard nada tried to beat it out of me, I couldn't stop it. I still can't. I hardly ever bother with makeup because I hate to look in the mirror, but yes it does oddly make me feel somewhat better about myself. But again, because I can't stand to even look at myself it's very hard. I just keep on dwelling on the damn past & things I can't change. I've made a lot of changes with me... I'm very aware that the only one in this world I can change is me, but I'm so tired. So so tired. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and be someone else. Mia > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks Jaie. My T has told me before that she thinks I cry as a release. I agree, but I also hate hate hate it. It was another one of those things I wasn't allowed to do as a kid and would result in violence from nada. I still feel very uncomfortable crying, especially around other people. God it makes me feel so much worse and it's like a cycle... the worse I feel the harder I cry. I also cry when I'm angry. That's my anger response. No matter how hard nada tried to beat it out of me, I couldn't stop it. I still can't. I hardly ever bother with makeup because I hate to look in the mirror, but yes it does oddly make me feel somewhat better about myself. But again, because I can't stand to even look at myself it's very hard. I just keep on dwelling on the damn past & things I can't change. I've made a lot of changes with me... I'm very aware that the only one in this world I can change is me, but I'm so tired. So so tired. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and be someone else. Mia > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks Jaie, I will begrudgingly take you up on your homework assignment. I can feel the loathing boiling up my throat just thinking about it =( Blah. Mia > > > I read Thich Nhat Hanh quite a bit over time. He talks about treating our > emotions as if they were a baby born of our body that we must take great > care with. Imagine this, your tears are a beautiful expression of your > emotion and each one has the right to come forth and experience the world. > Each tear you cry, helps others release their own sorrow. It is okay to cry. > You don't have to smile when you cry. You don't have to apologize when you > cry. Your tears are magic to your soul. Really. > > I used to feel as you do. A breakdown somewhere in the year 2000 cured me > of that. I thought I would never stop crying. But once I did, this amazing > stillness, warmth and peace came over me. And now, I notice that happens > every time. Its like some unseen presence wraps its warm arms around me and > fills me back up after I let loose those tears. > > So, here's a homework assignment for you. You might laugh and it might be > hard but I know you can do it. Every morning when you wake up, stand in > front of the mirror and look deep into your eyes and say " I love you. " Every > night before bed, do the same thing. Do you know that if you stare at > yourself in the mirror long enough and let the judge inside your head have > sometime to shut the heck up (giggles), you can see your soul and your soul > is filled with beauty and light. It's there Mia. I can see it from here. > You will see it too in time. I just know you will. > > Whatever you feel is okay to feel. Validate your feelings for yourself > always and never berate yourself for how you feel. Make a comitment to > yourself to try to find something positive to say to yourself every > day...even if it doesn't feel real and if you're going through the motions. > Imagine the mother of your dreams is standing over your shoulder encouraging > you - what would that perfect mother say to you and in what loving words > would she say them...imagine that. > > I swear these little tricks work. I had to trick myself into loving me > because I was taught to be invisible, unworthy of love or even basic care at > times. I was a burden and an inconvenience. That was wrong. So, my imaginary > mother now gives me encouraging words of kindness, kudos for doing things > right the strength to say I'm sorry if I honestly do something wrong. It's > reparenting and it does work. > > (((((((((Hugs))))))) > > > > > > > Thanks Jaie. > > > > My T has told me before that she thinks I cry as a release. I agree, but > I > > also hate hate hate it. It was another one of those things I wasn't > allowed > > to do as a kid and would result in violence from nada. I still feel very > > uncomfortable crying, especially around other people. God it makes me > feel > > so much worse and it's like a cycle... the worse I feel the harder I cry. > > > > I also cry when I'm angry. That's my anger response. No matter how hard > > nada tried to beat it out of me, I couldn't stop it. I still can't. > > > > I hardly ever bother with makeup because I hate to look in the mirror, > but > > yes it does oddly make me feel somewhat better about myself. But again, > > because I can't stand to even look at myself it's very hard. > > > > I just keep on dwelling on the damn past & things I can't change. I've > made > > a lot of changes with me... I'm very aware that the only one in this > world I > > can change is me, but I'm so tired. So so tired. > > > > Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and be someone else. > > > > Mia > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks Jaie, I will begrudgingly take you up on your homework assignment. I can feel the loathing boiling up my throat just thinking about it =( Blah. Mia > > > I read Thich Nhat Hanh quite a bit over time. He talks about treating our > emotions as if they were a baby born of our body that we must take great > care with. Imagine this, your tears are a beautiful expression of your > emotion and each one has the right to come forth and experience the world. > Each tear you cry, helps others release their own sorrow. It is okay to cry. > You don't have to smile when you cry. You don't have to apologize when you > cry. Your tears are magic to your soul. Really. > > I used to feel as you do. A breakdown somewhere in the year 2000 cured me > of that. I thought I would never stop crying. But once I did, this amazing > stillness, warmth and peace came over me. And now, I notice that happens > every time. Its like some unseen presence wraps its warm arms around me and > fills me back up after I let loose those tears. > > So, here's a homework assignment for you. You might laugh and it might be > hard but I know you can do it. Every morning when you wake up, stand in > front of the mirror and look deep into your eyes and say " I love you. " Every > night before bed, do the same thing. Do you know that if you stare at > yourself in the mirror long enough and let the judge inside your head have > sometime to shut the heck up (giggles), you can see your soul and your soul > is filled with beauty and light. It's there Mia. I can see it from here. > You will see it too in time. I just know you will. > > Whatever you feel is okay to feel. Validate your feelings for yourself > always and never berate yourself for how you feel. Make a comitment to > yourself to try to find something positive to say to yourself every > day...even if it doesn't feel real and if you're going through the motions. > Imagine the mother of your dreams is standing over your shoulder encouraging > you - what would that perfect mother say to you and in what loving words > would she say them...imagine that. > > I swear these little tricks work. I had to trick myself into loving me > because I was taught to be invisible, unworthy of love or even basic care at > times. I was a burden and an inconvenience. That was wrong. So, my imaginary > mother now gives me encouraging words of kindness, kudos for doing things > right the strength to say I'm sorry if I honestly do something wrong. It's > reparenting and it does work. > > (((((((((Hugs))))))) > > > > > > > Thanks Jaie. > > > > My T has told me before that she thinks I cry as a release. I agree, but > I > > also hate hate hate it. It was another one of those things I wasn't > allowed > > to do as a kid and would result in violence from nada. I still feel very > > uncomfortable crying, especially around other people. God it makes me > feel > > so much worse and it's like a cycle... the worse I feel the harder I cry. > > > > I also cry when I'm angry. That's my anger response. No matter how hard > > nada tried to beat it out of me, I couldn't stop it. I still can't. > > > > I hardly ever bother with makeup because I hate to look in the mirror, > but > > yes it does oddly make me feel somewhat better about myself. But again, > > because I can't stand to even look at myself it's very hard. > > > > I just keep on dwelling on the damn past & things I can't change. I've > made > > a lot of changes with me... I'm very aware that the only one in this > world I > > can change is me, but I'm so tired. So so tired. > > > > Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and be someone else. > > > > Mia > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks Jaie, I will begrudgingly take you up on your homework assignment. I can feel the loathing boiling up my throat just thinking about it =( Blah. Mia > > > I read Thich Nhat Hanh quite a bit over time. He talks about treating our > emotions as if they were a baby born of our body that we must take great > care with. Imagine this, your tears are a beautiful expression of your > emotion and each one has the right to come forth and experience the world. > Each tear you cry, helps others release their own sorrow. It is okay to cry. > You don't have to smile when you cry. You don't have to apologize when you > cry. Your tears are magic to your soul. Really. > > I used to feel as you do. A breakdown somewhere in the year 2000 cured me > of that. I thought I would never stop crying. But once I did, this amazing > stillness, warmth and peace came over me. And now, I notice that happens > every time. Its like some unseen presence wraps its warm arms around me and > fills me back up after I let loose those tears. > > So, here's a homework assignment for you. You might laugh and it might be > hard but I know you can do it. Every morning when you wake up, stand in > front of the mirror and look deep into your eyes and say " I love you. " Every > night before bed, do the same thing. Do you know that if you stare at > yourself in the mirror long enough and let the judge inside your head have > sometime to shut the heck up (giggles), you can see your soul and your soul > is filled with beauty and light. It's there Mia. I can see it from here. > You will see it too in time. I just know you will. > > Whatever you feel is okay to feel. Validate your feelings for yourself > always and never berate yourself for how you feel. Make a comitment to > yourself to try to find something positive to say to yourself every > day...even if it doesn't feel real and if you're going through the motions. > Imagine the mother of your dreams is standing over your shoulder encouraging > you - what would that perfect mother say to you and in what loving words > would she say them...imagine that. > > I swear these little tricks work. I had to trick myself into loving me > because I was taught to be invisible, unworthy of love or even basic care at > times. I was a burden and an inconvenience. That was wrong. So, my imaginary > mother now gives me encouraging words of kindness, kudos for doing things > right the strength to say I'm sorry if I honestly do something wrong. It's > reparenting and it does work. > > (((((((((Hugs))))))) > > > > > > > Thanks Jaie. > > > > My T has told me before that she thinks I cry as a release. I agree, but > I > > also hate hate hate it. It was another one of those things I wasn't > allowed > > to do as a kid and would result in violence from nada. I still feel very > > uncomfortable crying, especially around other people. God it makes me > feel > > so much worse and it's like a cycle... the worse I feel the harder I cry. > > > > I also cry when I'm angry. That's my anger response. No matter how hard > > nada tried to beat it out of me, I couldn't stop it. I still can't. > > > > I hardly ever bother with makeup because I hate to look in the mirror, > but > > yes it does oddly make me feel somewhat better about myself. But again, > > because I can't stand to even look at myself it's very hard. > > > > I just keep on dwelling on the damn past & things I can't change. I've > made > > a lot of changes with me... I'm very aware that the only one in this > world I > > can change is me, but I'm so tired. So so tired. > > > > Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and be someone else. > > > > Mia > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Yeah, but I feel bad for sleeping all day. I had a bad habit of that when I was in a really bad depression phase. So yep, I do feel guilty for it. And yep, some of it is fleas... like nada banging on my closed bedroom door at 7am on a Saturday morning with the vacuum cleaner. Doncha know, I was never allowed to sleep in. Ugh, I don't even care any more. I'd have stayed in bed longer if my body would have let me stay asleep! Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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