Can't Share Good News

[Guest guest]

Does anyone ever feel really sad they can't share important life news with their

BPD mom, because they know she won't be able to be truly happy for them? A few

days ago my partner and I just bought our first home (abroad) at the age of 38

and are extremely excited (and terrified !) and thrilled that after so many

years and attempts we've finally done it. But I'm feeling really down in the

dumps that I can't share this news with someone close to me, or who used to be

close to me when I was young, my mother.

I suppose I could take a chance but it would probably be silence on the other

end of the telephone, or a sarcastic " that's nice for some " or otherwise

pressures to come and stay even though she's been extremely unpleasant these

past few months, and heaven knows I wouldn't want that. So, I guess it's

something else to keep to myself but it just really brings it home that I just

have no one standing behind me cheering me on in life and applauding my

successes (besides dear partner, thank heavens for him!).

My father is back in my life (no thanks to nada) but he's very undemonstrative,

so it's just not the same. I know I just need to grow up and drop this silly

notion of what my relationship with my mother " should be " and just accept what

is. I know I'm slowly coming round to it, it's just taking so much time!

[Guest guest]

Wow, well I know I'm not your nada or super close, but I'm happy for you!

That sounds really exciting! Congratulations =)

But yes, I can ABSOLUTELY relate!!! For example, during my divorce when I

found out I was going to be moving out of state, I had an opportunity to be

a live in nanny for free room & board & a small stipend. I was absolutely

thrilled! I called everyone I knew & loved... except nada. Instead I

emailed her.

Prior to this, I had been contemplating going NC with her for 2 years prior.

After I emailed, she didn't reply at all. So I called about a week later

(I initially had 3 weeks before I was moving). Still no reply, so I called

one last time, telling my now-ex-husband " 3 strikes & she's out " . Again,

she didn't return the calls or email, so I said " see ya " .

My whole life has been like that though. I dreaded telling her I was

getting married. Granted at that time I was living with my now-ex, but I

still hated to tell her.

Another example, when now-ex asked me to move in with him.... We had set a

date like a month away. I worked retail and brought home some boxes with me

from work one evening to start packing nick-nacks & other things I didn't

need right away that were in my bedroom. The next thing I know, my step dad

& his friend are loading up their two trucks with my stuff. I was like,

" Uh, what's going on? " Step dad says, " Your mom says you're moving " . I said,

" Not for like a month " . He said, " She said you're moving today " . (dishrag

behavior). Anyway... yep, I was moved all right. I was TERRIFIED that my

now-ex was going to be livid pissed... he was at a golf outing, and like I

said, we were planning on doing the move in like 4 weeks! But no, he wasn't

upset or anything just said " welcome home " .

After a few more miserable situations with having to share big news (good or

bad) with her, I stopped telling her anything... unless it was after the

fact. Then she'd get tears in her eyes and mope about how I didn't tell her

before hand. (The rare seen waif). Sigh.

Yeah, I can relate. Sorry to ramble so much.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Thanks Mia! :-)

It all sounds so typical. I know there's no point but part of me keeps wanting

to! I learned not to share bad news early on - when she heard of my marriage

breaking up, she couldn't empathize and that hurt. But I still have this

childish desire to share good news! I won't bother.

Thanks for sharing your story too.

>

> Wow, well I know I'm not your nada or super close, but I'm happy for you!

> That sounds really exciting! Congratulations =)

>

> But yes, I can ABSOLUTELY relate!!! For example, during my divorce when I

> found out I was going to be moving out of state, I had an opportunity to be

> a live in nanny for free room & board & a small stipend. I was absolutely

> thrilled! I called everyone I knew & loved... except nada. Instead I

> emailed her.

>

> Prior to this, I had been contemplating going NC with her for 2 years prior.

> After I emailed, she didn't reply at all. So I called about a week later

> (I initially had 3 weeks before I was moving). Still no reply, so I called

> one last time, telling my now-ex-husband " 3 strikes & she's out " . Again,

> she didn't return the calls or email, so I said " see ya " .

>

> My whole life has been like that though. I dreaded telling her I was

> getting married. Granted at that time I was living with my now-ex, but I

> still hated to tell her.

>

> Another example, when now-ex asked me to move in with him.... We had set a

> date like a month away. I worked retail and brought home some boxes with me

> from work one evening to start packing nick-nacks & other things I didn't

> need right away that were in my bedroom. The next thing I know, my step dad

> & his friend are loading up their two trucks with my stuff. I was like,

> " Uh, what's going on? " Step dad says, " Your mom says you're moving " . I said,

> " Not for like a month " . He said, " She said you're moving today " . (dishrag

> behavior). Anyway... yep, I was moved all right. I was TERRIFIED that my

> now-ex was going to be livid pissed... he was at a golf outing, and like I

> said, we were planning on doing the move in like 4 weeks! But no, he wasn't

> upset or anything just said " welcome home " .

>

> After a few more miserable situations with having to share big news (good or

> bad) with her, I stopped telling her anything... unless it was after the

> fact. Then she'd get tears in her eyes and mope about how I didn't tell her

> before hand. (The rare seen waif). Sigh.

>

> Yeah, I can relate. Sorry to ramble so much.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Congratulations on your new home! That's very exciting and you should absolutely

feel happy and proud :-) I'm sending happy energy your way, I hope you feel it!

I completely understand where you're coming from with the having to keep news

(good or bad) to yourself. My BPD mom cannot just say " yay " or " boo " she always

has to add her two cents. If I were to buy a house without her picking it out,

I'd get a slew of warnings and scoldings (like I'm an idiot and 9 years old and

just bought a house, as if it were a preposterous idea that I could buy a house)

that it will be a money pit, fall apart, I paid too much, etc. or if she

couldn't find fault then I would be a jerk for not telling her sooner or

including her more in the process or not inviting her to live with me. So I

understand about keeping exciting news to yourself and feeling like good news is

always tainted because of the mom issue. The fact that there is a mom " issue "

and she can't just let you live your life and be happy for you, that you always

think of her reaction or potential reactions to things in your life. I think it

robs us of certain joys that other people without BPD in their lives feel.

But you can focus on your joy with your partner at this new experience in your

lives. Celebrate the little moments of your new home together - decorating,

your first take out meal as you get settled in, planting something and bringing

new life to your home, settling in and making the place your own, your first

party, your first holiday, all those great things that she can't take away from

you. It's your life and you deserve to be happy!

All the best,

>

> Does anyone ever feel really sad they can't share important life news with

their BPD mom, because they know she won't be able to be truly happy for them?

A few days ago my partner and I just bought our first home (abroad) at the age

of 38 and are extremely excited (and terrified !) and thrilled that after so

many years and attempts we've finally done it. But I'm feeling really down in

the dumps that I can't share this news with someone close to me, or who used to

be close to me when I was young, my mother.

>

> I suppose I could take a chance but it would probably be silence on the other

end of the telephone, or a sarcastic " that's nice for some " or otherwise

pressures to come and stay even though she's been extremely unpleasant these

past few months, and heaven knows I wouldn't want that. So, I guess it's

something else to keep to myself but it just really brings it home that I just

have no one standing behind me cheering me on in life and applauding my

successes (besides dear partner, thank heavens for him!).

>

> My father is back in my life (no thanks to nada) but he's very

undemonstrative, so it's just not the same. I know I just need to grow up and

drop this silly notion of what my relationship with my mother " should be " and

just accept what is. I know I'm slowly coming round to it, it's just taking so

much time!

>

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean . I think a lot of us still have these childish

desires to have <insert whatever here> from our nadas & fadas. It sucks

that it'll never happen, but such is life. Even through my fleas I can see

that we have to parent ourselves and give ourselves whatever it is we're

looking for from them.

ly, I wouldn't bother either. Not worth your good news getting shit

all over (pardon my french but that's the phrase I've always used when nada

did that to my good news)

Mia

[Guest guest]

Receiving your energy! I love the suggestions of things we can do to settle in

and enjoy our purchase, just the two of us, without having to wait on anyone

else to share our happiness. I guess I'm just disappointed in not being

supported during the stressful time and then the good news, but I'm going to put

all that behind me now and focus on the future!

> >

> > Does anyone ever feel really sad they can't share important life news with

their BPD mom, because they know she won't be able to be truly happy for them?

A few days ago my partner and I just bought our first home (abroad) at the age

of 38 and are extremely excited (and terrified !) and thrilled that after so

many years and attempts we've finally done it. But I'm feeling really down in

the dumps that I can't share this news with someone close to me, or who used to

be close to me when I was young, my mother.

> >

> > I suppose I could take a chance but it would probably be silence on the

other end of the telephone, or a sarcastic " that's nice for some " or otherwise

pressures to come and stay even though she's been extremely unpleasant these

past few months, and heaven knows I wouldn't want that. So, I guess it's

something else to keep to myself but it just really brings it home that I just

have no one standing behind me cheering me on in life and applauding my

successes (besides dear partner, thank heavens for him!).

> >

> > My father is back in my life (no thanks to nada) but he's very

undemonstrative, so it's just not the same. I know I just need to grow up and

drop this silly notion of what my relationship with my mother " should be " and

just accept what is. I know I'm slowly coming round to it, it's just taking so

much time!

> >

>