Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Does anyone ever feel really sad they can't share important life news with their BPD mom, because they know she won't be able to be truly happy for them? A few days ago my partner and I just bought our first home (abroad) at the age of 38 and are extremely excited (and terrified !) and thrilled that after so many years and attempts we've finally done it. But I'm feeling really down in the dumps that I can't share this news with someone close to me, or who used to be close to me when I was young, my mother. I suppose I could take a chance but it would probably be silence on the other end of the telephone, or a sarcastic " that's nice for some " or otherwise pressures to come and stay even though she's been extremely unpleasant these past few months, and heaven knows I wouldn't want that. So, I guess it's something else to keep to myself but it just really brings it home that I just have no one standing behind me cheering me on in life and applauding my successes (besides dear partner, thank heavens for him!). My father is back in my life (no thanks to nada) but he's very undemonstrative, so it's just not the same. I know I just need to grow up and drop this silly notion of what my relationship with my mother " should be " and just accept what is. I know I'm slowly coming round to it, it's just taking so much time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks Mia! :-) It all sounds so typical. I know there's no point but part of me keeps wanting to! I learned not to share bad news early on - when she heard of my marriage breaking up, she couldn't empathize and that hurt. But I still have this childish desire to share good news! I won't bother. Thanks for sharing your story too. > > Wow, well I know I'm not your nada or super close, but I'm happy for you! > That sounds really exciting! Congratulations =) > > But yes, I can ABSOLUTELY relate!!! For example, during my divorce when I > found out I was going to be moving out of state, I had an opportunity to be > a live in nanny for free room & board & a small stipend. I was absolutely > thrilled! I called everyone I knew & loved... except nada. Instead I > emailed her. > > Prior to this, I had been contemplating going NC with her for 2 years prior. > After I emailed, she didn't reply at all. So I called about a week later > (I initially had 3 weeks before I was moving). Still no reply, so I called > one last time, telling my now-ex-husband " 3 strikes & she's out " . Again, > she didn't return the calls or email, so I said " see ya " . > > My whole life has been like that though. I dreaded telling her I was > getting married. Granted at that time I was living with my now-ex, but I > still hated to tell her. > > Another example, when now-ex asked me to move in with him.... We had set a > date like a month away. I worked retail and brought home some boxes with me > from work one evening to start packing nick-nacks & other things I didn't > need right away that were in my bedroom. The next thing I know, my step dad > & his friend are loading up their two trucks with my stuff. I was like, > " Uh, what's going on? " Step dad says, " Your mom says you're moving " . I said, > " Not for like a month " . He said, " She said you're moving today " . (dishrag > behavior). Anyway... yep, I was moved all right. I was TERRIFIED that my > now-ex was going to be livid pissed... he was at a golf outing, and like I > said, we were planning on doing the move in like 4 weeks! But no, he wasn't > upset or anything just said " welcome home " . > > After a few more miserable situations with having to share big news (good or > bad) with her, I stopped telling her anything... unless it was after the > fact. Then she'd get tears in her eyes and mope about how I didn't tell her > before hand. (The rare seen waif). Sigh. > > Yeah, I can relate. Sorry to ramble so much. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks Mia! :-) It all sounds so typical. I know there's no point but part of me keeps wanting to! I learned not to share bad news early on - when she heard of my marriage breaking up, she couldn't empathize and that hurt. But I still have this childish desire to share good news! I won't bother. Thanks for sharing your story too. > > Wow, well I know I'm not your nada or super close, but I'm happy for you! > That sounds really exciting! Congratulations =) > > But yes, I can ABSOLUTELY relate!!! For example, during my divorce when I > found out I was going to be moving out of state, I had an opportunity to be > a live in nanny for free room & board & a small stipend. I was absolutely > thrilled! I called everyone I knew & loved... except nada. Instead I > emailed her. > > Prior to this, I had been contemplating going NC with her for 2 years prior. > After I emailed, she didn't reply at all. So I called about a week later > (I initially had 3 weeks before I was moving). Still no reply, so I called > one last time, telling my now-ex-husband " 3 strikes & she's out " . Again, > she didn't return the calls or email, so I said " see ya " . > > My whole life has been like that though. I dreaded telling her I was > getting married. Granted at that time I was living with my now-ex, but I > still hated to tell her. > > Another example, when now-ex asked me to move in with him.... We had set a > date like a month away. I worked retail and brought home some boxes with me > from work one evening to start packing nick-nacks & other things I didn't > need right away that were in my bedroom. The next thing I know, my step dad > & his friend are loading up their two trucks with my stuff. I was like, > " Uh, what's going on? " Step dad says, " Your mom says you're moving " . I said, > " Not for like a month " . He said, " She said you're moving today " . (dishrag > behavior). Anyway... yep, I was moved all right. I was TERRIFIED that my > now-ex was going to be livid pissed... he was at a golf outing, and like I > said, we were planning on doing the move in like 4 weeks! But no, he wasn't > upset or anything just said " welcome home " . > > After a few more miserable situations with having to share big news (good or > bad) with her, I stopped telling her anything... unless it was after the > fact. Then she'd get tears in her eyes and mope about how I didn't tell her > before hand. (The rare seen waif). Sigh. > > Yeah, I can relate. Sorry to ramble so much. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 In a way, coming around to accepting that we will never have the mother we deserved: the mentally healthy mother every child deserves, is like grieving a death. Our mother is physically still alive, but we grieve the death of our fantasy that she will somehow miraculously change for the sake of our love. It takes time to go through the mourning process, so, give yourself time and fill your life with wonderful, caring, supportive friends. And in time, maybe you will *become* the wonderful, supportive, loving mother you wish you'd had, to some other young person in need of one. -Annie > > Does anyone ever feel really sad they can't share important life news with their BPD mom, because they know she won't be able to be truly happy for them? A few days ago my partner and I just bought our first home (abroad) at the age of 38 and are extremely excited (and terrified !) and thrilled that after so many years and attempts we've finally done it. But I'm feeling really down in the dumps that I can't share this news with someone close to me, or who used to be close to me when I was young, my mother. > > I suppose I could take a chance but it would probably be silence on the other end of the telephone, or a sarcastic " that's nice for some " or otherwise pressures to come and stay even though she's been extremely unpleasant these past few months, and heaven knows I wouldn't want that. So, I guess it's something else to keep to myself but it just really brings it home that I just have no one standing behind me cheering me on in life and applauding my successes (besides dear partner, thank heavens for him!). > > My father is back in my life (no thanks to nada) but he's very undemonstrative, so it's just not the same. I know I just need to grow up and drop this silly notion of what my relationship with my mother " should be " and just accept what is. I know I'm slowly coming round to it, it's just taking so much time! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 In a way, coming around to accepting that we will never have the mother we deserved: the mentally healthy mother every child deserves, is like grieving a death. Our mother is physically still alive, but we grieve the death of our fantasy that she will somehow miraculously change for the sake of our love. It takes time to go through the mourning process, so, give yourself time and fill your life with wonderful, caring, supportive friends. And in time, maybe you will *become* the wonderful, supportive, loving mother you wish you'd had, to some other young person in need of one. -Annie > > Does anyone ever feel really sad they can't share important life news with their BPD mom, because they know she won't be able to be truly happy for them? A few days ago my partner and I just bought our first home (abroad) at the age of 38 and are extremely excited (and terrified !) and thrilled that after so many years and attempts we've finally done it. But I'm feeling really down in the dumps that I can't share this news with someone close to me, or who used to be close to me when I was young, my mother. > > I suppose I could take a chance but it would probably be silence on the other end of the telephone, or a sarcastic " that's nice for some " or otherwise pressures to come and stay even though she's been extremely unpleasant these past few months, and heaven knows I wouldn't want that. So, I guess it's something else to keep to myself but it just really brings it home that I just have no one standing behind me cheering me on in life and applauding my successes (besides dear partner, thank heavens for him!). > > My father is back in my life (no thanks to nada) but he's very undemonstrative, so it's just not the same. I know I just need to grow up and drop this silly notion of what my relationship with my mother " should be " and just accept what is. I know I'm slowly coming round to it, it's just taking so much time! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Yes, sharing news - good or bad - with a BPD is like pissing on a hornets nest. You are sure to be stung for your efforts to reach out. Ha ha, good joke? On Sun, Jan 23, 2011 at 4:06 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > In a way, coming around to accepting that we will never have the mother we > deserved: the mentally healthy mother every child deserves, is like grieving > a death. Our mother is physically still alive, but we grieve the death of > our fantasy that she will somehow miraculously change for the sake of our > love. > > It takes time to go through the mourning process, so, give yourself time > and fill your life with wonderful, caring, supportive friends. > And in time, maybe you will *become* the wonderful, supportive, loving > mother you wish you'd had, to some other young person in need of one. > > -Annie > > > > > > > Does anyone ever feel really sad they can't share important life news > with their BPD mom, because they know she won't be able to be truly happy > for them? A few days ago my partner and I just bought our first home > (abroad) at the age of 38 and are extremely excited (and terrified !) and > thrilled that after so many years and attempts we've finally done it. But > I'm feeling really down in the dumps that I can't share this news with > someone close to me, or who used to be close to me when I was young, my > mother. > > > > I suppose I could take a chance but it would probably be silence on the > other end of the telephone, or a sarcastic " that's nice for some " or > otherwise pressures to come and stay even though she's been extremely > unpleasant these past few months, and heaven knows I wouldn't want that. So, > I guess it's something else to keep to myself but it just really brings it > home that I just have no one standing behind me cheering me on in life and > applauding my successes (besides dear partner, thank heavens for him!). > > > > My father is back in my life (no thanks to nada) but he's very > undemonstrative, so it's just not the same. I know I just need to grow up > and drop this silly notion of what my relationship with my mother " should > be " and just accept what is. I know I'm slowly coming round to it, it's just > taking so much time! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 I know what you mean . I think a lot of us still have these childish desires to have <insert whatever here> from our nadas & fadas. It sucks that it'll never happen, but such is life. Even through my fleas I can see that we have to parent ourselves and give ourselves whatever it is we're looking for from them. ly, I wouldn't bother either. Not worth your good news getting shit all over (pardon my french but that's the phrase I've always used when nada did that to my good news) Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 I know what you mean . I think a lot of us still have these childish desires to have <insert whatever here> from our nadas & fadas. It sucks that it'll never happen, but such is life. Even through my fleas I can see that we have to parent ourselves and give ourselves whatever it is we're looking for from them. ly, I wouldn't bother either. Not worth your good news getting shit all over (pardon my french but that's the phrase I've always used when nada did that to my good news) Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Receiving your energy! I love the suggestions of things we can do to settle in and enjoy our purchase, just the two of us, without having to wait on anyone else to share our happiness. I guess I'm just disappointed in not being supported during the stressful time and then the good news, but I'm going to put all that behind me now and focus on the future! > > > > Does anyone ever feel really sad they can't share important life news with their BPD mom, because they know she won't be able to be truly happy for them? A few days ago my partner and I just bought our first home (abroad) at the age of 38 and are extremely excited (and terrified !) and thrilled that after so many years and attempts we've finally done it. But I'm feeling really down in the dumps that I can't share this news with someone close to me, or who used to be close to me when I was young, my mother. > > > > I suppose I could take a chance but it would probably be silence on the other end of the telephone, or a sarcastic " that's nice for some " or otherwise pressures to come and stay even though she's been extremely unpleasant these past few months, and heaven knows I wouldn't want that. So, I guess it's something else to keep to myself but it just really brings it home that I just have no one standing behind me cheering me on in life and applauding my successes (besides dear partner, thank heavens for him!). > > > > My father is back in my life (no thanks to nada) but he's very undemonstrative, so it's just not the same. I know I just need to grow up and drop this silly notion of what my relationship with my mother " should be " and just accept what is. I know I'm slowly coming round to it, it's just taking so much time! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 That sums it up so well. Seems the grieving is taking me so long though sometimes, it's been years already. I guess that's normal. And yes, through this all, if I've learned what I can provide to someone else through missing it in my own life, then it's not a total waste, is it? > > > > Does anyone ever feel really sad they can't share important life news with their BPD mom, because they know she won't be able to be truly happy for them? A few days ago my partner and I just bought our first home (abroad) at the age of 38 and are extremely excited (and terrified !) and thrilled that after so many years and attempts we've finally done it. But I'm feeling really down in the dumps that I can't share this news with someone close to me, or who used to be close to me when I was young, my mother. > > > > I suppose I could take a chance but it would probably be silence on the other end of the telephone, or a sarcastic " that's nice for some " or otherwise pressures to come and stay even though she's been extremely unpleasant these past few months, and heaven knows I wouldn't want that. So, I guess it's something else to keep to myself but it just really brings it home that I just have no one standing behind me cheering me on in life and applauding my successes (besides dear partner, thank heavens for him!). > > > > My father is back in my life (no thanks to nada) but he's very undemonstrative, so it's just not the same. I know I just need to grow up and drop this silly notion of what my relationship with my mother " should be " and just accept what is. I know I'm slowly coming round to it, it's just taking so much time! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 That sums it up so well. Seems the grieving is taking me so long though sometimes, it's been years already. I guess that's normal. And yes, through this all, if I've learned what I can provide to someone else through missing it in my own life, then it's not a total waste, is it? > > > > Does anyone ever feel really sad they can't share important life news with their BPD mom, because they know she won't be able to be truly happy for them? A few days ago my partner and I just bought our first home (abroad) at the age of 38 and are extremely excited (and terrified !) and thrilled that after so many years and attempts we've finally done it. But I'm feeling really down in the dumps that I can't share this news with someone close to me, or who used to be close to me when I was young, my mother. > > > > I suppose I could take a chance but it would probably be silence on the other end of the telephone, or a sarcastic " that's nice for some " or otherwise pressures to come and stay even though she's been extremely unpleasant these past few months, and heaven knows I wouldn't want that. So, I guess it's something else to keep to myself but it just really brings it home that I just have no one standing behind me cheering me on in life and applauding my successes (besides dear partner, thank heavens for him!). > > > > My father is back in my life (no thanks to nada) but he's very undemonstrative, so it's just not the same. I know I just need to grow up and drop this silly notion of what my relationship with my mother " should be " and just accept what is. I know I'm slowly coming round to it, it's just taking so much time! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 That sums it up so well. Seems the grieving is taking me so long though sometimes, it's been years already. I guess that's normal. And yes, through this all, if I've learned what I can provide to someone else through missing it in my own life, then it's not a total waste, is it? > > > > Does anyone ever feel really sad they can't share important life news with their BPD mom, because they know she won't be able to be truly happy for them? A few days ago my partner and I just bought our first home (abroad) at the age of 38 and are extremely excited (and terrified !) and thrilled that after so many years and attempts we've finally done it. But I'm feeling really down in the dumps that I can't share this news with someone close to me, or who used to be close to me when I was young, my mother. > > > > I suppose I could take a chance but it would probably be silence on the other end of the telephone, or a sarcastic " that's nice for some " or otherwise pressures to come and stay even though she's been extremely unpleasant these past few months, and heaven knows I wouldn't want that. So, I guess it's something else to keep to myself but it just really brings it home that I just have no one standing behind me cheering me on in life and applauding my successes (besides dear partner, thank heavens for him!). > > > > My father is back in my life (no thanks to nada) but he's very undemonstrative, so it's just not the same. I know I just need to grow up and drop this silly notion of what my relationship with my mother " should be " and just accept what is. I know I'm slowly coming round to it, it's just taking so much time! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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