Guest guest Posted November 20, 2002 Report Share Posted November 20, 2002 congratulations , and good luck to you, you'll do fine, my mom was a single parent and we had my grandparents who helped. and my life has always felt full and complete. apryl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2002 Report Share Posted November 20, 2002 congratulations , and good luck to you, you'll do fine, my mom was a single parent and we had my grandparents who helped. and my life has always felt full and complete. apryl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2002 Report Share Posted November 21, 2002 Congrats B. and Good for you for sticking to your guns. He obviously didn't love you if he left over you being pregnant. Good Luck! Shirley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2002 Report Share Posted November 21, 2002 Congrats B. and Good for you for sticking to your guns. He obviously didn't love you if he left over you being pregnant. Good Luck! Shirley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 18, 2004 Report Share Posted August 18, 2004 Hello all. I'm new to the group. Yesterday we learned that my sister in law has colon cancer, and she's only 42 years old.. I'm out to learn as much as possible, so any help would be greatly appreciated.. her pathology report said " invasive " .. When she had her colonoscopy done last week, they found 3 tumors and removed them. Her doctor said now things will move fast. He said they will schedule her for a fluroscopy to take another piece to biopsy then she'll go in for surgery within the week.. I'd just like to know what her chances of survival are, considering her age, and everything I've read it is rare for someone under 50 to be diagnosed with colon cancer and when they are it is usually a fast growing type and likely to spread.. Any help or info please send my way! Thanks in PA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2004 Report Share Posted August 19, 2004 Thanks Joe, your information really helped alot.. All I know right now is she is scheduled for a sigmoidoscopy to take a biopsy, they know it is in the lining of her colon, just not sure if it is into the muscle.. She had 3 cancerous tumors removed. Not sure if the makes a difference or not..But then she will go into surgery to have part of her colon removed, as far as I know right now.. The thing that worries her now is that she has experienced pain in her side, that radiates up her back and she always associated it with a broken vertebrea she has, and now she's worried that the pain isn't from that, but maybe a sign that the cancer has spread.. I think once she gets over the initial shock of things, I will try and get her to join a group like this to learn all she can!! Thanks for all your help!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2004 Report Share Posted August 19, 2004 > It is extremely rare for somebody under 50 to get spontaneous > cancer (i.e. no heredity involved). It is not so uncommon for > somebody so young to get it if it is HNPCC. This is simply not true. I got it. I know PLENTY (at least 20) of others who got it in their 20s and 30s. It is this misperception that leads to many younger people being misdiagnosed and hence often staged at a higher stage because of late discovery. I really wish that people would stop saying this because it is simply false. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2004 Report Share Posted August 19, 2004 > It is extremely rare for somebody under 50 to get spontaneous > cancer (i.e. no heredity involved). It is not so uncommon for > somebody so young to get it if it is HNPCC. This is simply not true. I got it. I know PLENTY (at least 20) of others who got it in their 20s and 30s. It is this misperception that leads to many younger people being misdiagnosed and hence often staged at a higher stage because of late discovery. I really wish that people would stop saying this because it is simply false. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2004 Report Share Posted August 19, 2004 > It is extremely rare for somebody under 50 to get spontaneous > cancer (i.e. no heredity involved). It is not so uncommon for > somebody so young to get it if it is HNPCC. This is simply not true. I got it. I know PLENTY (at least 20) of others who got it in their 20s and 30s. It is this misperception that leads to many younger people being misdiagnosed and hence often staged at a higher stage because of late discovery. I really wish that people would stop saying this because it is simply false. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2004 Report Share Posted August 20, 2004 I must agree. My Bert, when they removed his tumor, was told that at minimum it had been growing for about 5 years...that would have made him early to mid-forties when he got his colon cancer. I also know of so many people in their late 20's, early 30's who have colon cancer. While overall the odds are still much more favorable at developing this awful, awful disease after age 50, it is definitely on the rise and climbing in people much younger...including several in their early 20's. The medical industry must begin to accept the fact that colo-rectal cancer is not longer a disease for " older " people but in actuality, can strike anyone at anytime. My son, because his father has it and his grandfather before him has been told to start screening NOW....and he's 27!!!! Strong possibility that he may (GOD FORBID) develop it in his 30's. Yes, there is a heredity factor involved there but again, I personally know all too many people where there is absolutely no history whatsoever of colon problems, be it cancer, IBS, polyps, Chrones Disease, etc., who have colon cancer and they haven't reached their 40th birthday. Monika > > > It is extremely rare for somebody under 50 to get spontaneous > > cancer (i.e. no heredity involved). It is not so uncommon for > > somebody so young to get it if it is HNPCC. > > > This is simply not true. I got it. I know PLENTY (at least 20) of > others who got it in their 20s and 30s. It is this misperception that > leads to many younger people being misdiagnosed and hence often staged > at a higher stage because of late discovery. > > I really wish that people would stop saying this because it is simply > false. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2004 Report Share Posted August 20, 2004 I must agree. My Bert, when they removed his tumor, was told that at minimum it had been growing for about 5 years...that would have made him early to mid-forties when he got his colon cancer. I also know of so many people in their late 20's, early 30's who have colon cancer. While overall the odds are still much more favorable at developing this awful, awful disease after age 50, it is definitely on the rise and climbing in people much younger...including several in their early 20's. The medical industry must begin to accept the fact that colo-rectal cancer is not longer a disease for " older " people but in actuality, can strike anyone at anytime. My son, because his father has it and his grandfather before him has been told to start screening NOW....and he's 27!!!! Strong possibility that he may (GOD FORBID) develop it in his 30's. Yes, there is a heredity factor involved there but again, I personally know all too many people where there is absolutely no history whatsoever of colon problems, be it cancer, IBS, polyps, Chrones Disease, etc., who have colon cancer and they haven't reached their 40th birthday. Monika > > > It is extremely rare for somebody under 50 to get spontaneous > > cancer (i.e. no heredity involved). It is not so uncommon for > > somebody so young to get it if it is HNPCC. > > > This is simply not true. I got it. I know PLENTY (at least 20) of > others who got it in their 20s and 30s. It is this misperception that > leads to many younger people being misdiagnosed and hence often staged > at a higher stage because of late discovery. > > I really wish that people would stop saying this because it is simply > false. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2004 Report Share Posted August 20, 2004 I must agree. My Bert, when they removed his tumor, was told that at minimum it had been growing for about 5 years...that would have made him early to mid-forties when he got his colon cancer. I also know of so many people in their late 20's, early 30's who have colon cancer. While overall the odds are still much more favorable at developing this awful, awful disease after age 50, it is definitely on the rise and climbing in people much younger...including several in their early 20's. The medical industry must begin to accept the fact that colo-rectal cancer is not longer a disease for " older " people but in actuality, can strike anyone at anytime. My son, because his father has it and his grandfather before him has been told to start screening NOW....and he's 27!!!! Strong possibility that he may (GOD FORBID) develop it in his 30's. Yes, there is a heredity factor involved there but again, I personally know all too many people where there is absolutely no history whatsoever of colon problems, be it cancer, IBS, polyps, Chrones Disease, etc., who have colon cancer and they haven't reached their 40th birthday. Monika > > > It is extremely rare for somebody under 50 to get spontaneous > > cancer (i.e. no heredity involved). It is not so uncommon for > > somebody so young to get it if it is HNPCC. > > > This is simply not true. I got it. I know PLENTY (at least 20) of > others who got it in their 20s and 30s. It is this misperception that > leads to many younger people being misdiagnosed and hence often staged > at a higher stage because of late discovery. > > I really wish that people would stop saying this because it is simply > false. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2004 Report Share Posted August 25, 2004 I tend to agree with you. Europe has already documented that they have far higher numbers of people under 50 with colon cancer then they estimated. The problem is, unless more " under 50's " band together it is hard to bring pressure and therefore change to this situation. At a minimum, get our proposed guidelines to all of your docs and get some media to at least cover it. Since there is an alternative suggestion on the table the media should cover it. My sister (a survivor) was diagnosed at 44 and we have NO risk factors. I have a vision of an army of volunteers campaigning for screening for all adults starting at age 20. Taking our fight to our docs, our legislators - local, state, and federal, our insurance companies, our friends, family and neighbors. Until there is enough of an uproar that they have no choice but to lower the screening age so that colon cancer is eliminated entirely. It takes an army but breast cancer and AIDS activists have proven that it is possible to change the unchangeable. When I was a kid the cold war and the Berlin wall were permanent...and they are gone. And it wasn't the naysayers that made them go. It was people. One person makes a difference. An army of 'one persons' can move or knock down any mountain they choose. This is one mountain that has to go. -Priscilla Savary Executive Director Colorectal Cancer Network (CCNetwork) www.colorectal-cancer.net > > > Date: 2004/08/19 Thu PM 10:12:03 EDT > To: colon_cancer_support > Subject: Re: New Here > > Priscilla Savary Executive Director Colorectal Cancer Network PO Box 182, Kensington MD 20895 www.colorectal-cancer.net psavary@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 Do not let them stay in your home. Find a hotel. Find an elderhostel. Find someplace for them to stay so that in the event of a meltdown (Nada's or yours), you can all retire to your respective corners. Then you can spend time with your dad on YOUR terms. A first baby changes your world - it just does. Unless you've been living in a household with a new infant, you can't foresee how much things will change. The exhaustion, lack of sleep, constant demand for attention when the baby's awake - it's all part of the experience. You'll be lucky to have time to get a shower every day, let alone tiptoe around the minefields laid by your BPD mother. You are going to need backup (your husband) and some really good naps. Also - the time to establish boundaries concerning your child is NOW. If you don't want your mom to assume it's OK for her to take your child off in her car for shopping trips, don't agree to let her be alone with the baby - starting with this visit. You don't have to publish a manifesto or anything, just " arrange " that the baby is never left alone with her. Nadas do not respect their adult children, and they do not respect the rules and guidelines we set down for treatment of our children. You have to stand firm, or Nada will do whatever she thinks is " best " with your kid. Trust me on this one. It's not that she'd want to hurt the baby, it's just that she will NOT think it's important to follow your rules regarding food, bedtimes, baths, homework, movie ratings - you name it. And then you're left with an over-tired, over-stimulated child who's spent the day eating sugar and is unable to do his/her spelling homework due the next day. (Can you tell I've been-there-done-that?) Sorry to be a downer. Congratulations on the new baby - start being the mother tiger early, and everybody will know you are not to be messed with when it comes to your child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 Do not let them stay in your home. Find a hotel. Find an elderhostel. Find someplace for them to stay so that in the event of a meltdown (Nada's or yours), you can all retire to your respective corners. Then you can spend time with your dad on YOUR terms. A first baby changes your world - it just does. Unless you've been living in a household with a new infant, you can't foresee how much things will change. The exhaustion, lack of sleep, constant demand for attention when the baby's awake - it's all part of the experience. You'll be lucky to have time to get a shower every day, let alone tiptoe around the minefields laid by your BPD mother. You are going to need backup (your husband) and some really good naps. Also - the time to establish boundaries concerning your child is NOW. If you don't want your mom to assume it's OK for her to take your child off in her car for shopping trips, don't agree to let her be alone with the baby - starting with this visit. You don't have to publish a manifesto or anything, just " arrange " that the baby is never left alone with her. Nadas do not respect their adult children, and they do not respect the rules and guidelines we set down for treatment of our children. You have to stand firm, or Nada will do whatever she thinks is " best " with your kid. Trust me on this one. It's not that she'd want to hurt the baby, it's just that she will NOT think it's important to follow your rules regarding food, bedtimes, baths, homework, movie ratings - you name it. And then you're left with an over-tired, over-stimulated child who's spent the day eating sugar and is unable to do his/her spelling homework due the next day. (Can you tell I've been-there-done-that?) Sorry to be a downer. Congratulations on the new baby - start being the mother tiger early, and everybody will know you are not to be messed with when it comes to your child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 Hi loveducks, your father sounds like a love. welcome here! > > Phew. I'm so glad to be here, and also a little overwhelmed by it all. Reading the previous posts is almost too much, at almost 30, it's amazing how I can slip back into believing I've caused all the turmoil in my life, a lot of " if I had only not said that " " not done that " " not coughed then " then she wouldn't have acted that way. But, reading these posts reminds me once again that I in no way can control her behaviors, and how important it is to keep reminding myself of that. > > A quick background, that probably sounds familiar to most. My mother was always very unpredictable growing up, screaming fits, barrages of the most hurtful things a person can say and tantrums mixed in with some creepy and uncomfortable over-the-top attention (usually if I was sick or injured). Lots of guilt trips and blame games. I spent so much of my life trying to please her (do well in school, sports, career, etc) And guess what? It never, ever worked. She is also addicted to painkillers and drinks excessively, which is only helping matters... > > On the positive side, I have an amazing father, who when I was young and her BPD really came out (after the loss of my brother) he was going to divorce her and was told he would not get the children being a man, committed to staying with her and buffering the impact of her disease as much as possible. He and my older brother are why I function at all today. > > So, here I am, getting ready to have my first child in a few months, and I'm struggling with how to establish boundaries with her when our son arrives. We live in Germany, and my parents will be visiting once we have the baby. It is very important that my dad spend time with his grandson, as he is quite ill, and we are not sure how much time is left for him. So, mom will be here no matter what. I'm just so nervous because big changes (overseas trip, new grandchild) always make it easier for an episode to happen, and if she has a screaming fit with my newborn son in the home, I don't know what to do. I've already told her at her last fit that that behavior wouldn't be acceptable when she visits, but, to be honest I guess I'm so scared of her still that I'm nervous about putting up the ultimate boundary and making her leave (and what this would mean for my father's trip) > > Sorry this was so long, but in a way it was cathartic too. TIA for any advice. (oh, and I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother, so I'm assuming that will help too) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 Love Duck! What a darling name! Congrats on your baby. I just have to say though, when I first joined this group I also idealized my father. He was without a doubt the better parent in the home. But, I got a lot of advice from this group that he had enabled my mother my whole life. His choices were what allowed her to lash out at me. And he made plenty of mistakes on his own. And he also has kept trying to draw me back into the web. So I just want to say you can still love your dad without believing he's perfect (I still love mine, but let me tell you, I function a million times better without him in my life). It really helps to accept that his choices may not have been the best. In my case, Nada told me she wouldn't fight for custody of me if they divorced. But, they never did. A couple thoughts on dealing with Nada: 1- Do not engage do not engage do not engage in her fits, tantrums, insults etc. The only thing you can do is leave, walk away etc. If she falls into a rage at your home and you tell her its time to go, I can promise you that by the next day every single person in your home town will have heard that you threw her out of your house. Ha ha. At least, that's what my nada would do.What do they call that? I call it hateful gossip, but I think it might be gaslighting. Painting yourself the victim when you are actually the aggressor. 2- Nada's think they own their children and that they are their possesions (I was just reading about this last night). And as if this isn't far enough, the believe everything that belongs to their children is also theirs. (My mother would never let me into my old room to get my things out - I'm talking my very private journals from my teen years, special toys, clothing etc, but I would come home to find strange young women in the house wearing my clothes. She never hesitated to give my things away without asking. After I left home she even brought a young girl into the house to live there with her and my dad, and I " m sure you can imagine how that went down after a few months.) So it stands to reason, that nada might see her grandchild as a possession too. 3- Is their anyway your dad could leave her home? I'd be down for that myself. Are all the siblings gone from home and they have stayed together? That would make me wonder. . . . Honestly, if it were me, I would give the utlimatum that dad could come, nada could not. When are you more vulnerable than right after the birth of a baby? Nada's have an eye for that. You should have seen the shitstorm she raised when I was going through my divorce, one of the most difficult periods of my life to date. I was a cold bitch, a slut, she had a friend divorcing and she told me flat out she had to choose who to support and she chose the friend over the daughter of course. . . Oh and she said she always loved my brothers (including the one that died at birth) so so so much more than she ever loved me. And she wanted to know all about my dating life, personal business, very concerned that I might be a slut and then pulled her classic maneuver " Your dad is worried that you might be meeting men at bars and going on dates. " People, I'm almost 30 years old, its none of your effing business. These encounters lead straight to NC, before I even knew what BPD was. So I'm just saying, never let Nada see you down, ripped, emotional, postpartum etc. She has an eye for weakness. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer. I know some of this is hard to hear. It was for me when I first joined the group, but after some time processing it, it really helped me figure things out. Just take care of yourself and your little family! You come first! Hugs, Girlscout > > > Hi loveducks, > your father sounds like a love. > > welcome here! > > > > > > > Phew. I'm so glad to be here, and also a little overwhelmed by it all. > Reading the previous posts is almost too much, at almost 30, it's amazing > how I can slip back into believing I've caused all the turmoil in my life, a > lot of " if I had only not said that " " not done that " " not coughed then " then > she wouldn't have acted that way. But, reading these posts reminds me once > again that I in no way can control her behaviors, and how important it is to > keep reminding myself of that. > > > > A quick background, that probably sounds familiar to most. My mother was > always very unpredictable growing up, screaming fits, barrages of the most > hurtful things a person can say and tantrums mixed in with some creepy and > uncomfortable over-the-top attention (usually if I was sick or injured). > Lots of guilt trips and blame games. I spent so much of my life trying to > please her (do well in school, sports, career, etc) And guess what? It > never, ever worked. She is also addicted to painkillers and drinks > excessively, which is only helping matters... > > > > On the positive side, I have an amazing father, who when I was young and > her BPD really came out (after the loss of my brother) he was going to > divorce her and was told he would not get the children being a man, > committed to staying with her and buffering the impact of her disease as > much as possible. He and my older brother are why I function at all today. > > > > So, here I am, getting ready to have my first child in a few months, and > I'm struggling with how to establish boundaries with her when our son > arrives. We live in Germany, and my parents will be visiting once we have > the baby. It is very important that my dad spend time with his grandson, as > he is quite ill, and we are not sure how much time is left for him. So, mom > will be here no matter what. I'm just so nervous because big changes > (overseas trip, new grandchild) always make it easier for an episode to > happen, and if she has a screaming fit with my newborn son in the home, I > don't know what to do. I've already told her at her last fit that that > behavior wouldn't be acceptable when she visits, but, to be honest I guess > I'm so scared of her still that I'm nervous about putting up the ultimate > boundary and making her leave (and what this would mean for my father's > trip) > > > > Sorry this was so long, but in a way it was cathartic too. TIA for any > advice. (oh, and I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother, so I'm > assuming that will help too) > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 Girlscout, Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I agree that I certainly idealize my father (particularly as we're entering the end stages of his battle with cancer), as can be seen by my initial reaction to list all the ways he wasn't an enabler. Ha. While he did do wonderful things to support myself and my brother (including getting NADA to the DBT clinic), I have always had this little, teeny, tiny voice in the back of my head wondering why he didn't do xyz... Hearing it here is probably exactly what I need. However, with a baby coming, a husband deployed, and a dad with very little time left, I think this will go to my " must be dealt with, but at a later date pile. " Perhaps not the healthiest, but I know my own emotional limits. Your advice about visiting with the baby has brought up some things I hadn't even considered. Especially about possessions, that is so, so, so true. It's sort of making me angry that I'm having to spend so much time thinking about how to design a visit for Nada when I'M THE ONE HAVING A BABY. I don't usually get angry about Nada, maybe I'll sit with this for a bit. And, as I'm reading everyone's thoughtful replies, I'm thinking it might also be prime time for a booster visit to my therapist. I am just so grateful to have found this place. > > Love Duck! What a darling name! Congrats on your baby. I just have to say > though, when I first joined this group I also idealized my father. He was > without a doubt the better parent in the home. But, I got a lot of advice > from this group that he had enabled my mother my whole life. His choices > were what allowed her to lash out at me. And he made plenty of mistakes on > his own. And he also has kept trying to draw me back into the web. So I just > want to say you can still love your dad without believing he's perfect (I > still love mine, but let me tell you, I function a million times better > without him in my life). It really helps to accept that his choices may not > have been the best. In my case, Nada told me she wouldn't fight for custody > of me if they divorced. But, they never did. > > A couple thoughts on dealing with Nada: > 1- Do not engage do not engage do not engage in her fits, tantrums, insults > etc. The only thing you can do is leave, walk away etc. If she falls into a > rage at your home and you tell her its time to go, I can promise you that by > the next day every single person in your home town will have heard that you > threw her out of your house. Ha ha. At least, that's what my nada would > do.What do they call that? I call it hateful gossip, but I think it might be > gaslighting. Painting yourself the victim when you are actually the > aggressor. > > 2- Nada's think they own their children and that they are their possesions > (I was just reading about this last night). And as if this isn't far enough, > the believe everything that belongs to their children is also theirs. (My > mother would never let me into my old room to get my things out - I'm > talking my very private journals from my teen years, special toys, clothing > etc, but I would come home to find strange young women in the house wearing > my clothes. She never hesitated to give my things away without asking. > After I left home she even brought a young girl into the house to live there > with her and my dad, and I " m sure you can imagine how that went down after a > few months.) So it stands to reason, that nada might see her grandchild as a > possession too. > > 3- Is their anyway your dad could leave her home? I'd be down for that > myself. Are all the siblings gone from home and they have stayed together? > That would make me wonder. . . . Honestly, if it were me, I would give the > utlimatum that dad could come, nada could not. When are you more vulnerable > than right after the birth of a baby? Nada's have an eye for that. You > should have seen the shitstorm she raised when I was going through my > divorce, one of the most difficult periods of my life to date. I was a cold > bitch, a slut, she had a friend divorcing and she told me flat out she had > to choose who to support and she chose the friend over the daughter of > course. . . Oh and she said she always loved my brothers (including the one > that died at birth) so so so much more than she ever loved me. And she > wanted to know all about my dating life, personal business, very concerned > that I might be a slut and then pulled her classic maneuver " Your dad is > worried that you might be meeting men at bars and going on dates. " People, > I'm almost 30 years old, its none of your effing business. These encounters > lead straight to NC, before I even knew what BPD was. So I'm just saying, > never let Nada see you down, ripped, emotional, postpartum etc. She has an > eye for weakness. > > Sorry to be a Debbie Downer. I know some of this is hard to hear. It was for > me when I first joined the group, but after some time processing it, it > really helped me figure things out. Just take care of yourself and your > little family! You come first! > Hugs, Girlscout > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 Girlscout, Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I agree that I certainly idealize my father (particularly as we're entering the end stages of his battle with cancer), as can be seen by my initial reaction to list all the ways he wasn't an enabler. Ha. While he did do wonderful things to support myself and my brother (including getting NADA to the DBT clinic), I have always had this little, teeny, tiny voice in the back of my head wondering why he didn't do xyz... Hearing it here is probably exactly what I need. However, with a baby coming, a husband deployed, and a dad with very little time left, I think this will go to my " must be dealt with, but at a later date pile. " Perhaps not the healthiest, but I know my own emotional limits. Your advice about visiting with the baby has brought up some things I hadn't even considered. Especially about possessions, that is so, so, so true. It's sort of making me angry that I'm having to spend so much time thinking about how to design a visit for Nada when I'M THE ONE HAVING A BABY. I don't usually get angry about Nada, maybe I'll sit with this for a bit. And, as I'm reading everyone's thoughtful replies, I'm thinking it might also be prime time for a booster visit to my therapist. I am just so grateful to have found this place. > > Love Duck! What a darling name! Congrats on your baby. I just have to say > though, when I first joined this group I also idealized my father. He was > without a doubt the better parent in the home. But, I got a lot of advice > from this group that he had enabled my mother my whole life. His choices > were what allowed her to lash out at me. And he made plenty of mistakes on > his own. And he also has kept trying to draw me back into the web. So I just > want to say you can still love your dad without believing he's perfect (I > still love mine, but let me tell you, I function a million times better > without him in my life). It really helps to accept that his choices may not > have been the best. In my case, Nada told me she wouldn't fight for custody > of me if they divorced. But, they never did. > > A couple thoughts on dealing with Nada: > 1- Do not engage do not engage do not engage in her fits, tantrums, insults > etc. The only thing you can do is leave, walk away etc. If she falls into a > rage at your home and you tell her its time to go, I can promise you that by > the next day every single person in your home town will have heard that you > threw her out of your house. Ha ha. At least, that's what my nada would > do.What do they call that? I call it hateful gossip, but I think it might be > gaslighting. Painting yourself the victim when you are actually the > aggressor. > > 2- Nada's think they own their children and that they are their possesions > (I was just reading about this last night). And as if this isn't far enough, > the believe everything that belongs to their children is also theirs. (My > mother would never let me into my old room to get my things out - I'm > talking my very private journals from my teen years, special toys, clothing > etc, but I would come home to find strange young women in the house wearing > my clothes. She never hesitated to give my things away without asking. > After I left home she even brought a young girl into the house to live there > with her and my dad, and I " m sure you can imagine how that went down after a > few months.) So it stands to reason, that nada might see her grandchild as a > possession too. > > 3- Is their anyway your dad could leave her home? I'd be down for that > myself. Are all the siblings gone from home and they have stayed together? > That would make me wonder. . . . Honestly, if it were me, I would give the > utlimatum that dad could come, nada could not. When are you more vulnerable > than right after the birth of a baby? Nada's have an eye for that. You > should have seen the shitstorm she raised when I was going through my > divorce, one of the most difficult periods of my life to date. I was a cold > bitch, a slut, she had a friend divorcing and she told me flat out she had > to choose who to support and she chose the friend over the daughter of > course. . . Oh and she said she always loved my brothers (including the one > that died at birth) so so so much more than she ever loved me. And she > wanted to know all about my dating life, personal business, very concerned > that I might be a slut and then pulled her classic maneuver " Your dad is > worried that you might be meeting men at bars and going on dates. " People, > I'm almost 30 years old, its none of your effing business. These encounters > lead straight to NC, before I even knew what BPD was. So I'm just saying, > never let Nada see you down, ripped, emotional, postpartum etc. She has an > eye for weakness. > > Sorry to be a Debbie Downer. I know some of this is hard to hear. It was for > me when I first joined the group, but after some time processing it, it > really helped me figure things out. Just take care of yourself and your > little family! You come first! > Hugs, Girlscout > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 Girlscout, Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I agree that I certainly idealize my father (particularly as we're entering the end stages of his battle with cancer), as can be seen by my initial reaction to list all the ways he wasn't an enabler. Ha. While he did do wonderful things to support myself and my brother (including getting NADA to the DBT clinic), I have always had this little, teeny, tiny voice in the back of my head wondering why he didn't do xyz... Hearing it here is probably exactly what I need. However, with a baby coming, a husband deployed, and a dad with very little time left, I think this will go to my " must be dealt with, but at a later date pile. " Perhaps not the healthiest, but I know my own emotional limits. Your advice about visiting with the baby has brought up some things I hadn't even considered. Especially about possessions, that is so, so, so true. It's sort of making me angry that I'm having to spend so much time thinking about how to design a visit for Nada when I'M THE ONE HAVING A BABY. I don't usually get angry about Nada, maybe I'll sit with this for a bit. And, as I'm reading everyone's thoughtful replies, I'm thinking it might also be prime time for a booster visit to my therapist. I am just so grateful to have found this place. > > Love Duck! What a darling name! Congrats on your baby. I just have to say > though, when I first joined this group I also idealized my father. He was > without a doubt the better parent in the home. But, I got a lot of advice > from this group that he had enabled my mother my whole life. His choices > were what allowed her to lash out at me. And he made plenty of mistakes on > his own. And he also has kept trying to draw me back into the web. So I just > want to say you can still love your dad without believing he's perfect (I > still love mine, but let me tell you, I function a million times better > without him in my life). It really helps to accept that his choices may not > have been the best. In my case, Nada told me she wouldn't fight for custody > of me if they divorced. But, they never did. > > A couple thoughts on dealing with Nada: > 1- Do not engage do not engage do not engage in her fits, tantrums, insults > etc. The only thing you can do is leave, walk away etc. If she falls into a > rage at your home and you tell her its time to go, I can promise you that by > the next day every single person in your home town will have heard that you > threw her out of your house. Ha ha. At least, that's what my nada would > do.What do they call that? I call it hateful gossip, but I think it might be > gaslighting. Painting yourself the victim when you are actually the > aggressor. > > 2- Nada's think they own their children and that they are their possesions > (I was just reading about this last night). And as if this isn't far enough, > the believe everything that belongs to their children is also theirs. (My > mother would never let me into my old room to get my things out - I'm > talking my very private journals from my teen years, special toys, clothing > etc, but I would come home to find strange young women in the house wearing > my clothes. She never hesitated to give my things away without asking. > After I left home she even brought a young girl into the house to live there > with her and my dad, and I " m sure you can imagine how that went down after a > few months.) So it stands to reason, that nada might see her grandchild as a > possession too. > > 3- Is their anyway your dad could leave her home? I'd be down for that > myself. Are all the siblings gone from home and they have stayed together? > That would make me wonder. . . . Honestly, if it were me, I would give the > utlimatum that dad could come, nada could not. When are you more vulnerable > than right after the birth of a baby? Nada's have an eye for that. You > should have seen the shitstorm she raised when I was going through my > divorce, one of the most difficult periods of my life to date. I was a cold > bitch, a slut, she had a friend divorcing and she told me flat out she had > to choose who to support and she chose the friend over the daughter of > course. . . Oh and she said she always loved my brothers (including the one > that died at birth) so so so much more than she ever loved me. And she > wanted to know all about my dating life, personal business, very concerned > that I might be a slut and then pulled her classic maneuver " Your dad is > worried that you might be meeting men at bars and going on dates. " People, > I'm almost 30 years old, its none of your effing business. These encounters > lead straight to NC, before I even knew what BPD was. So I'm just saying, > never let Nada see you down, ripped, emotional, postpartum etc. She has an > eye for weakness. > > Sorry to be a Debbie Downer. I know some of this is hard to hear. It was for > me when I first joined the group, but after some time processing it, it > really helped me figure things out. Just take care of yourself and your > little family! You come first! > Hugs, Girlscout > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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