Me ranting...

[Guest guest]

I just need to process a bit more about where I am.... When I started IE (in

August) I thought I would discover how to be medititative and at peace with

every meal, mindfully eating every bite, patiently waiting for hunger, aware of

satisfaction... Sandarah, the guru of full/not full. ...

Then I thought that by legalizing, I'd find a way to no longer want the foods

I've always wanted. I also thought I could vanquish the food police and be at

peace with myself around eating, at last. That with the diet police gone, my

mind would clear and it would be smooth sailing. I thought that my old ways of

learning a theory or technique would work here. After all, I'm pretty smart....

I also thought I could outsmart my diet rebel who lurks around every corner just

waiting for a chance to be defiant.

I remember when I learned to swim. I was probably eight/nine years old. I'd

been to the Y a few times, had a couple of lessons here and there... It was

summer and I was at the local lake with friends where we went practically every

day. I was flailing and paddling and splashing - and then - one day and for no

particular reason, my flailing became swimming. The inept flapping of my arms,

the too-fast kicking, the erratic paddling suddenly came together and - voila! -

I could swim. It was like magic. Almost mysterious. You never can capture the

way those clicks click. They just do.

I assume it will be that way with this some day. But maybe not. I don't know

what to expect - I just know that I still hate being fat and I yet the many,

many years of dieting only compounded the problem. I mean really.

I think I had some secret expectations coming into IE.... I think on one level I

was hoping that food would actually become legal and that I could somehow eat

whatever I wanted without consequence.

Earlier today I was craving ice cream and chocolate and denying myself that

craving. As I silently battled the craving, I found myself thinking (secretly)

that I just wished I could eat it until I went into oblivion. That the good

feelings of eating it, the taste, the texture would obliterate everything else

in my existence and that life could just stop right there. Know what I mean?

And - I think my current state is an emotional backlash from 1) having felt fat

yesterday (with a fathead hangover today) and 2) from having read some Normal

Eating and thinking about the " underlying causes of being fat " and putting too

much energy on thinking about why I like being fat, or need it as protection, et

al. Again, whatever.

I don't know if I will ever " get " IE and yet I'm hearing from those who've been

doing it a while that it isn't a matter of " getting it " per se. Which leaves me

wondering a bit what this transition will look like when I'm a bit further along

the path and have gotten past this new hurdle in my process.

But - I am not giving up. I am that 8 year old on the beach ready to start

flailing and kicking and flapping again. Today, tomorrow and the next day.

Because - I want to get this. I know I have the basic techniques but they just

aren't fitting together yet.

Still for now, I can't get my waiting for hunger, legalizing without gorging,

noticing fat without recrimination and self-loathing, observing the diet rebel

without bringing out the food police and finding pleasure with foods that are

good for my body while learning to eschew foods that bring great mouth pleasure

but give me a stomach ache because I eat too much of them when I can because I

still have last supper mentality swirling around my brain driving me to a point

of near frenzy around formerly forbidden foods... (Well, you know what I

mean...)

Beyond all of that the truth is, right now - I hate this body for being fat and

for betraying me by showing the world that I eat too much and am therefore

flawed and unloveable.

Sometimes life just sucks.

Sandarah

[Guest guest]

I want to thank  you for this post.  It put into words what I am feeling and where I am.  And I have been doing this longer than you, although I can't remember when I started. At first I just totally enjoyed every meal, noticing carefully every sensation, with no distractions, eating what I wanted and craved without guilt, just feeling so free.  I did however not pay attention too much to hunger/full signals and gained weight.  I did not weigh myself for a long time until I was at a place where it would not have effected me one way or the other.  Then I tried it and both of my scales had dead batteries and I weighed about 20 lbs. on one, zero on the other.  Had to laugh and took that as a sign I was not ready to see the dreaded scales. Much later on I was able to use the one at the grocery store and it did not upset me.  I now refuse at the doctors office.

          I loved your comparison to learning to swim.  It was perfect, learning and flailing around for a while until things clicked.  I thought things had clicked for me but then had a day yesterday when I felt like I was back to square one.  I realized that I was still using food, and shopping, to comfort myself.  And I remembered that IE is a PROCESS, a JOURNEY.  And after all it took me 60 plus years to get where I am, why would I expect to " get it " in a few months. I am much closer but had a " set back " when diagnosed with a liver problem and losing weight/watching what I eat became a real medical issue.  I think I went from thinking about food that " honors " me  back to " forbidden " foods.  I realized I " gave up " some of my favorite foods and then yesterday had a last supper reaction with all the guilt and the food police out in full force.  Today I am going out for breakfast and am going to enjoy eggs which I have dearly missed(on the not good for my liver list). Well sorry this is so long.  I really appreciate your post. I know what you mean about hating a fat body but I am trying to learn to love myself again.  For me I have to remind myself that I am a child of god and that he/she loves me as I am.  The Self that I am beyond the outer self is perfect and beautiful and loveable.  I am kind and caring, talented, funny, compassionate and joyful, sensitive and creative, and so much more.  Thank you again for helping me to remember all that.  Sandy

 

I just need to process a bit more about where I am.... When I started IE (in August) I thought I would discover how to be medititative and at peace with every meal, mindfully eating every bite, patiently waiting for hunger, aware of satisfaction... Sandarah, the guru of full/not full. ...

Then I thought that by legalizing, I'd find a way to no longer want the foods I've always wanted. I also thought I could vanquish the food police and be at peace with myself around eating, at last. That with the diet police gone, my mind would clear and it would be smooth sailing. I thought that my old ways of learning a theory or technique would work here. After all, I'm pretty smart.... I also thought I could outsmart my diet rebel who lurks around every corner just waiting for a chance to be defiant.

I remember when I learned to swim. I was probably eight/nine years old. I'd been to the Y a few times, had a couple of lessons here and there... It was summer and I was at the local lake with friends where we went practically every day. I was flailing and paddling and splashing - and then - one day and for no particular reason, my flailing became swimming. The inept flapping of my arms, the too-fast kicking, the erratic paddling suddenly came together and - voila! - I could swim. It was like magic. Almost mysterious. You never can capture the way those clicks click. They just do.

I assume it will be that way with this some day. But maybe not. I don't know what to expect - I just know that I still hate being fat and I yet the many, many years of dieting only compounded the problem. I mean really.

I think I had some secret expectations coming into IE.... I think on one level I was hoping that food would actually become legal and that I could somehow eat whatever I wanted without consequence.

Earlier today I was craving ice cream and chocolate and denying myself that craving. As I silently battled the craving, I found myself thinking (secretly) that I just wished I could eat it until I went into oblivion. That the good feelings of eating it, the taste, the texture would obliterate everything else in my existence and that life could just stop right there. Know what I mean?

And - I think my current state is an emotional backlash from 1) having felt fat yesterday (with a fathead hangover today) and 2) from having read some Normal Eating and thinking about the " underlying causes of being fat " and putting too much energy on thinking about why I like being fat, or need it as protection, et al. Again, whatever.

I don't know if I will ever " get " IE and yet I'm hearing from those who've been doing it a while that it isn't a matter of " getting it " per se. Which leaves me wondering a bit what this transition will look like when I'm a bit further along the path and have gotten past this new hurdle in my process.

But - I am not giving up. I am that 8 year old on the beach ready to start flailing and kicking and flapping again. Today, tomorrow and the next day. Because - I want to get this. I know I have the basic techniques but they just aren't fitting together yet.

Still for now, I can't get my waiting for hunger, legalizing without gorging, noticing fat without recrimination and self-loathing, observing the diet rebel without bringing out the food police and finding pleasure with foods that are good for my body while learning to eschew foods that bring great mouth pleasure but give me a stomach ache because I eat too much of them when I can because I still have last supper mentality swirling around my brain driving me to a point of near frenzy around formerly forbidden foods... (Well, you know what I mean...)

Beyond all of that the truth is, right now - I hate this body for being fat and for betraying me by showing the world that I eat too much and am therefore flawed and unloveable.

Sometimes life just sucks.

Sandarah