healing step

[Guest guest]

So, those of you who have been on this group for a long time might remember

a bit of crisis I had years ago. I finally went NC with the rest of my foo,

not just nada, after they tried to force me to see nada. About this time of

year, my bada (who I hate, he was physically and verbally abusive to me for

my entire childhood) decided to delver the Christmas gifts that I had never

gone to pick up from foo because I went NC. I freaked out a bit that he

invaded my house and forced the gifts on me.

My boyfriend helped me out - he was home, took the gifts and hid them in the

basement until I was ready to deal with them. It's been 2, maybe even 3

years and guess what. After 4 months of therapy I think I am ready to deal

with them.

here is my plan: I'm going to have boyfriend open all of them (they are

wrapped). I do not want the emotional aspect of openning a gift - I would

feel so damned manipulated. I want him to tell me what is in them (including

sizes if there are clothes because my nada has never bought me the right

size in my life) but I don't want to see them. We will then take them

somewhere - maybe the thrift store and maybe a dumpster and get rid of them.

There is one gift though, that I want him to unwrap and give to me. My dad

told me he had picked something special out for me that year. I love my dad,

even though he is an enabling son of a bitch who stood by while nada abused

me. I suspect it is a piece of " real " native american jewlery or art. That's

what he usually gives me. he buys it when he travels around the southwest

U.S. I have quite a lot of it, including a ring from when I was about 4

years old that only fits on my pinky. I also have necklaces, earrings and a

sculpture of a badger (his nickname for me). I love all of them and wear

them often, even though turquoise isn't exactly my personal style, but its a

part of my past so I make it work. I expect I will cry when I see it. I very

rarely cry - I didn' even cry yesterday thinking about my dead brother and

all that I've lost. I think I've developed kind of a tough girl attitude. I

haven't really cried a single time in months of therapy. ha ha.

What does everyone think of my plan to dispose of my gifts? I'm ready to put

that issue to rest. I need to talk to boyfriend about it when he wakes up a

little later. I'll be pleased to repor to my therapist that I was able to

say goodbye to that memory. I'll also have him give me my grandmother's

card. She is dead now so I could save another bit of her handwriting.