Give it to me straight...

[Guest guest]

I need to get this off my chest. I screwed up last night. I pulled a nada that

as soon as I did it, my heart sunk. I vowed I would never do this.

One of my kids has been very complainy about everything as of late - the food,

our house...kids stuff but at a consistently frustrating level. He was home sick

yesterday with a very low fever and cold. His brothers have the same thing but I

hadn't kept them home because they didn't have a fever. It was one of those days

that he probably could have gone to school.

In the afternoon I asked him to help me count some inventory for my small

business. He just said " no. " It made me mad but I let it go at the time but when

he started complaining at dinner again about everything, I could feel myself

reaching a boiling point. I told him to go to a time out. He sat there and said

" no. " I lost it and said, " Either you go to the stairs or I am leaving. " (dumb I

know, it was a spur of the moment thing) So I got up from my meal and left in

the car leaving my husband and kids sitting there.

Dumb I know. I suck as a human being I know and maybe I don't deserve

motherhood. I hate myself for this. My mom use to do this when my parents fought

and I hated it. It always scared me as a kid and I just did it. I went to a

store and then the drug store to pick up more cough medicine for the kids and

was home as they were getting tucked into bed.

I felt like I was doing pretty well lately dealing with my mom but she has been

emailing about them going to my nephew's sports events and invited us as if it

were her place to invite us. I am angry because she ruins these family moments

by always being in control. ...Anyway, I have her crap on my mind and then a job

offer of full time work to consider and the kids' schedule and figuring out how

I could ever work when someone is home sick every other week...ugh, no excuse, I

know.

I really don't ever want to do things like this but I have failed again. I want

to be a loving mom but reading some other topics and thinking about this, I know

I haven't worked through all my stuff to be completely whole and available

emotionally for my kids as I would like to be.

not at peace right now

patinage