Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Yes ma'am, that is called a hoover manuever. The deal is, you broke the family role's by going NC. Now pressure is on your sibs to step up and fill in and assume your role. If like me, you were the painted black one, or the workhorse who got things done, the pressure is very hard for them. However, they have the choice to go NC themselves, change the family dynamic, or whatever they would like to to do. I'd assume that they blame you for breaking ranks and want to drag you back in. they do it by either telling you you are a horrible person or telling you how badly your nada needs you. My bada did all that to me and more, even to the point of dropping off christmas gifts for my parents after I went totally NC even with my enabling dad who was the last one who had a hold on me. Think of it like a bucket of crawdads (this is my T's description). A bunch of crawdads are in a bucket dying. One works his way out climbing and working for freedom. What do the other crawdads do? they reach out and grab the strong, smart crawdad and pull him or her back in.Dysfunctional familes are basically crawdads. I hope that helps. What helped me was reading a bunch of family therapy literature. T gave me a wonderful book called The Family Crucible and I'm now trying to read everything under the sun by Carl Whitaker as well as looking into online classes in family therapy. XOXO, Girlscout On Mon, Jan 10, 2011 at 4:50 PM, finallytsquared wrote: > > > Good evening to all. > > I am in the process of going NC with my nada as she did not respect my > boundaries. Not surprised, was just hoping things could be different. > > It has been 8 weeks since I last had contact. Now I am hearing from my > brothers and sister about how bad nada is. I'm pretty sure it's a game so > I'm waiting to see what happens. > > Have any of you had similar experiences? What was your experience? > > Thanks! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Yes ma'am, that is called a hoover manuever. The deal is, you broke the family role's by going NC. Now pressure is on your sibs to step up and fill in and assume your role. If like me, you were the painted black one, or the workhorse who got things done, the pressure is very hard for them. However, they have the choice to go NC themselves, change the family dynamic, or whatever they would like to to do. I'd assume that they blame you for breaking ranks and want to drag you back in. they do it by either telling you you are a horrible person or telling you how badly your nada needs you. My bada did all that to me and more, even to the point of dropping off christmas gifts for my parents after I went totally NC even with my enabling dad who was the last one who had a hold on me. Think of it like a bucket of crawdads (this is my T's description). A bunch of crawdads are in a bucket dying. One works his way out climbing and working for freedom. What do the other crawdads do? they reach out and grab the strong, smart crawdad and pull him or her back in.Dysfunctional familes are basically crawdads. I hope that helps. What helped me was reading a bunch of family therapy literature. T gave me a wonderful book called The Family Crucible and I'm now trying to read everything under the sun by Carl Whitaker as well as looking into online classes in family therapy. XOXO, Girlscout On Mon, Jan 10, 2011 at 4:50 PM, finallytsquared wrote: > > > Good evening to all. > > I am in the process of going NC with my nada as she did not respect my > boundaries. Not surprised, was just hoping things could be different. > > It has been 8 weeks since I last had contact. Now I am hearing from my > brothers and sister about how bad nada is. I'm pretty sure it's a game so > I'm waiting to see what happens. > > Have any of you had similar experiences? What was your experience? > > Thanks! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Yes ma'am, that is called a hoover manuever. The deal is, you broke the family role's by going NC. Now pressure is on your sibs to step up and fill in and assume your role. If like me, you were the painted black one, or the workhorse who got things done, the pressure is very hard for them. However, they have the choice to go NC themselves, change the family dynamic, or whatever they would like to to do. I'd assume that they blame you for breaking ranks and want to drag you back in. they do it by either telling you you are a horrible person or telling you how badly your nada needs you. My bada did all that to me and more, even to the point of dropping off christmas gifts for my parents after I went totally NC even with my enabling dad who was the last one who had a hold on me. Think of it like a bucket of crawdads (this is my T's description). A bunch of crawdads are in a bucket dying. One works his way out climbing and working for freedom. What do the other crawdads do? they reach out and grab the strong, smart crawdad and pull him or her back in.Dysfunctional familes are basically crawdads. I hope that helps. What helped me was reading a bunch of family therapy literature. T gave me a wonderful book called The Family Crucible and I'm now trying to read everything under the sun by Carl Whitaker as well as looking into online classes in family therapy. XOXO, Girlscout On Mon, Jan 10, 2011 at 4:50 PM, finallytsquared wrote: > > > Good evening to all. > > I am in the process of going NC with my nada as she did not respect my > boundaries. Not surprised, was just hoping things could be different. > > It has been 8 weeks since I last had contact. Now I am hearing from my > brothers and sister about how bad nada is. I'm pretty sure it's a game so > I'm waiting to see what happens. > > Have any of you had similar experiences? What was your experience? > > Thanks! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Thank you for the crawdad analogy. That puts things into perspective for me. I was the workhorse in the family. I am exhausted. It is now someone else's turn to step up if they want. If they don't, that's fine by me. Many hugs and blessings to you! > > > Good evening to all. > > I am in the process of going NC with my nada as she did not respect my > boundaries. Not surprised, was just hoping things could be different. > > It has been 8 weeks since I last had contact. Now I am hearing from my > brothers and sister about how bad nada is. I'm pretty sure it's a game so > I'm waiting to see what happens. > > Have any of you had similar experiences? What was your experience? > > Thanks! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Thank you for the crawdad analogy. That puts things into perspective for me. I was the workhorse in the family. I am exhausted. It is now someone else's turn to step up if they want. If they don't, that's fine by me. Many hugs and blessings to you! > > > Good evening to all. > > I am in the process of going NC with my nada as she did not respect my > boundaries. Not surprised, was just hoping things could be different. > > It has been 8 weeks since I last had contact. Now I am hearing from my > brothers and sister about how bad nada is. I'm pretty sure it's a game so > I'm waiting to see what happens. > > Have any of you had similar experiences? What was your experience? > > Thanks! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Thank you for the crawdad analogy. That puts things into perspective for me. I was the workhorse in the family. I am exhausted. It is now someone else's turn to step up if they want. If they don't, that's fine by me. Many hugs and blessings to you! > > > Good evening to all. > > I am in the process of going NC with my nada as she did not respect my > boundaries. Not surprised, was just hoping things could be different. > > It has been 8 weeks since I last had contact. Now I am hearing from my > brothers and sister about how bad nada is. I'm pretty sure it's a game so > I'm waiting to see what happens. > > Have any of you had similar experiences? What was your experience? > > Thanks! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Hi T, I haven't had experience going NC but I have with the triangulation, with the being put in the middle between my mother and brother. " Mom said you said.... " " Did you know your brother is seeing that girl .....?? You'd better talk to him about this and talk him out of.... " " Mom is driving me crazy....but I feel so bad for her she's so oooold. " " You know Mom's mad at you about....you're in trouble. " And I admit, until I began getting therapy and really thinking about why I was behaving certain ways, I was also active in the triangulation. I agree with you that it's a game. It's a dance. And the other members of my triangle didn't like it when I made it clear I wasn't dancing anymore. It got pretty ugly. good for you for getting free of it. Fiona > > Good evening to all. > > I am in the process of going NC with my nada as she did not respect my boundaries. Not surprised, was just hoping things could be different. > > It has been 8 weeks since I last had contact. Now I am hearing from my brothers and sister about how bad nada is. I'm pretty sure it's a game so I'm waiting to see what happens. > > Have any of you had similar experiences? What was your experience? > > Thanks! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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