Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Hi , I'm so sorry you had such a stressful holiday visit. Argh. I empathize totally. My suggestion for any future visits together: 1. The visit be only a day-trip; as short as possible. 2. If it must be an overnight visit to your area, nada stays at a hotel. If you're visiting nada's area, you and your husband stay at a hotel. It sounds to me that in your case, longer visits (more than a day) and having nada stay with you in your home are contraindicated. I bet that will result in less aggravation and stress for all of you. -Annie > > It's not thaaat bad. Hopefully will not be worst than this. > > Day 1) Nada arrived on the X'mas day. > She was OK, had a nice trip and didn't complain of things as I thought before. > Thanks God my forecast of her state of mind arrival was a mistake. > Her " boyfriend " (a married old man which whom she has a relationship for more > than 20 years!) > went to the airport too and we all had coffee together. He left to his home. > Nada, my husband and me cooked at home. Quiet nice evening. > > Day 2) Spent all day shopping and cooking at home. Quiet pleasant day > but I needed to " swallow " some of her strange behaviours. > I get very irritated with most of things she does or say. > Nada learned to open/close the apartment and use the microwave today. > It's very difficult for her to learn anything new. It's necessary lots of > pacience to explain her things > and this also makes me very tired to be with her too. > > Day 3) Went to work with my husband. Nada stayed at home alone for the 1st time > since arrival. > Her boyfriend called while I was working to say he's going to visit her at my > home. > First I said OK, then later I told him to forget today because Nada doesn't know > how to open the entrance door > from the interphone painel inside the apartment. There's a gate that he can't go > in without a key or someone to open from inside. > Every little thing is a such big thing to her to learn that I forgot to explain > about the interphone on the day before. > He started to say how she doesn't know a such simple thing and bla bla bla, I > was busy at that moment, he was inconvenient > calling me while I'm working then I lost my temper with him over the phone. > I told him to not go there 'cause I didn't want he sneaking in the blg. when > someone else enter the apartment and > didn't want my mother yelling to him from inside the apartment if she finds > problem to open the door (it's a bit trick). > I got pretty irritated after talk to him and this feeling folllow me all day > long. > I came back home and found out that he went there and the gas system was > switched off so Nada didn't have shower because > no hot water. She said she didn't do anything and that he might have switched > off the system. Later on I discovered she lied to me. > Nada does another thing very that irritates me too: she can't see a > single little light of any device on that she finds a way to > switch off the light to save energy. And explain her that those small lights > doesn't consume much and somethings need to be switched on ALL the time like the > gas system = doesn't work...she doen't understand. > > Thinking only about it, it's not a reason to blow up but... I did. I flipped > out. I never saw my husband almost crying to stop me. > I started screamming at her, ordering her to not touch things she doesn't know > in my house, that I hate her " boyfriend " , that I spent my time I should be > working doing things for her, then she started to pack her things to leave. > A 75y/o with 1 big and 1 small suitcases leaving in a winter night (almost > midnight) and didn't want even to take her coat. > I called a nearby hotel and booked a room, she refused to go. > I told her I would call the police to bring her back if she leaves like that and > she started to loose her temper. > Both of us was flipping out and calming down in random in a matter of minutes > and I just feel very sorry for my dear husband for see and deal with all of it. > He told me to leave the room to calm down her so I had a shower where I cried a > lot. > Nada still wanted to leave my apartment anyway saying I was kicking out a sick > and old mother + same bla bla bla in these occasions. > I got tired and just stopped to talk to her, she moved all her things out of the > apartment and in the entrance she wanted to handle back the apartment key but > she coudn't find. She stayed an hour or so looking for the key, my husband said > " you can't leave our apartment without give back the key, so better you have > some sleep and look for it tomorrow " . > She calmed down, I show her how to use her new pre paid mobile. > I told her if she wanted a sleeping pill as I would take 1 for myself, she > wanted, I gave half of 1 to her and everybody went to sleep. > After my husband told me he took out the key without her notice because he was > worried she would do something crazy and could loose our spare key with the > address written in another paper.(the key wasn't together the paper but...) > This morning we wake up to work, I left earlier than my husband, he returned our > spare key to her bag and left her sleeping. > I called many times her mobile that she just learned how to use but she didn't > pick up. I don't if she didn't listen or if she forgots how to use or if she did > something crazy and I'm just writting during my working time when in fact I > should be working instead of being worried and tired of all of this.Plus, who > knows what I will face when I go back tonight? > And...I've been worried about her but...am I crazy too ?? Now I'm worried about > myself and my poor husband. > I'm a shame to let my husband see me so out of control, I hate to loose control > of things but, recently, small things gets my nerves! > I work with other 3 people (1 boss too young to have alzheimer but sounds like > this , 1 nutty and only 1 " normal " and kind sweet heart) > so after a stressfull day, I have my husband to soothing me but now I have Nada > to top on it. > How can I get more patience now? > What do you think about of this? any suggestions? > Thank you to read all of this ... > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Hi , I'm so sorry you had such a stressful holiday visit. Argh. I empathize totally. My suggestion for any future visits together: 1. The visit be only a day-trip; as short as possible. 2. If it must be an overnight visit to your area, nada stays at a hotel. If you're visiting nada's area, you and your husband stay at a hotel. It sounds to me that in your case, longer visits (more than a day) and having nada stay with you in your home are contraindicated. I bet that will result in less aggravation and stress for all of you. -Annie > > It's not thaaat bad. Hopefully will not be worst than this. > > Day 1) Nada arrived on the X'mas day. > She was OK, had a nice trip and didn't complain of things as I thought before. > Thanks God my forecast of her state of mind arrival was a mistake. > Her " boyfriend " (a married old man which whom she has a relationship for more > than 20 years!) > went to the airport too and we all had coffee together. He left to his home. > Nada, my husband and me cooked at home. Quiet nice evening. > > Day 2) Spent all day shopping and cooking at home. Quiet pleasant day > but I needed to " swallow " some of her strange behaviours. > I get very irritated with most of things she does or say. > Nada learned to open/close the apartment and use the microwave today. > It's very difficult for her to learn anything new. It's necessary lots of > pacience to explain her things > and this also makes me very tired to be with her too. > > Day 3) Went to work with my husband. Nada stayed at home alone for the 1st time > since arrival. > Her boyfriend called while I was working to say he's going to visit her at my > home. > First I said OK, then later I told him to forget today because Nada doesn't know > how to open the entrance door > from the interphone painel inside the apartment. There's a gate that he can't go > in without a key or someone to open from inside. > Every little thing is a such big thing to her to learn that I forgot to explain > about the interphone on the day before. > He started to say how she doesn't know a such simple thing and bla bla bla, I > was busy at that moment, he was inconvenient > calling me while I'm working then I lost my temper with him over the phone. > I told him to not go there 'cause I didn't want he sneaking in the blg. when > someone else enter the apartment and > didn't want my mother yelling to him from inside the apartment if she finds > problem to open the door (it's a bit trick). > I got pretty irritated after talk to him and this feeling folllow me all day > long. > I came back home and found out that he went there and the gas system was > switched off so Nada didn't have shower because > no hot water. She said she didn't do anything and that he might have switched > off the system. Later on I discovered she lied to me. > Nada does another thing very that irritates me too: she can't see a > single little light of any device on that she finds a way to > switch off the light to save energy. And explain her that those small lights > doesn't consume much and somethings need to be switched on ALL the time like the > gas system = doesn't work...she doen't understand. > > Thinking only about it, it's not a reason to blow up but... I did. I flipped > out. I never saw my husband almost crying to stop me. > I started screamming at her, ordering her to not touch things she doesn't know > in my house, that I hate her " boyfriend " , that I spent my time I should be > working doing things for her, then she started to pack her things to leave. > A 75y/o with 1 big and 1 small suitcases leaving in a winter night (almost > midnight) and didn't want even to take her coat. > I called a nearby hotel and booked a room, she refused to go. > I told her I would call the police to bring her back if she leaves like that and > she started to loose her temper. > Both of us was flipping out and calming down in random in a matter of minutes > and I just feel very sorry for my dear husband for see and deal with all of it. > He told me to leave the room to calm down her so I had a shower where I cried a > lot. > Nada still wanted to leave my apartment anyway saying I was kicking out a sick > and old mother + same bla bla bla in these occasions. > I got tired and just stopped to talk to her, she moved all her things out of the > apartment and in the entrance she wanted to handle back the apartment key but > she coudn't find. She stayed an hour or so looking for the key, my husband said > " you can't leave our apartment without give back the key, so better you have > some sleep and look for it tomorrow " . > She calmed down, I show her how to use her new pre paid mobile. > I told her if she wanted a sleeping pill as I would take 1 for myself, she > wanted, I gave half of 1 to her and everybody went to sleep. > After my husband told me he took out the key without her notice because he was > worried she would do something crazy and could loose our spare key with the > address written in another paper.(the key wasn't together the paper but...) > This morning we wake up to work, I left earlier than my husband, he returned our > spare key to her bag and left her sleeping. > I called many times her mobile that she just learned how to use but she didn't > pick up. I don't if she didn't listen or if she forgots how to use or if she did > something crazy and I'm just writting during my working time when in fact I > should be working instead of being worried and tired of all of this.Plus, who > knows what I will face when I go back tonight? > And...I've been worried about her but...am I crazy too ?? Now I'm worried about > myself and my poor husband. > I'm a shame to let my husband see me so out of control, I hate to loose control > of things but, recently, small things gets my nerves! > I work with other 3 people (1 boss too young to have alzheimer but sounds like > this , 1 nutty and only 1 " normal " and kind sweet heart) > so after a stressfull day, I have my husband to soothing me but now I have Nada > to top on it. > How can I get more patience now? > What do you think about of this? any suggestions? > Thank you to read all of this ... > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Thank you Annie.. but she came from the other side of the planet for another round of exams as the doctors where she lives diagnosed breast cancer level 1. I felt very said about it but now anger is mixing up, I can't stand her anymore and, of course it makes me feel very guilt...how I can feel anger towards my own mother with cancer? I'm going to seek treatment for myself but it will take sometime to start it. For future, I hope I can follow your suggestions (my husband said same) but now she wants to live CLOSE to my home, to be always near me and it freaks me out.She's very toxic. I can't sleep well and I'm already not function well. How can I can handle anger? any suggestion about how to control myself when I get angry? I'm getting angry easily recently.. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wed, January 12, 2011 5:16:00 AM Subject: Re: nightmare after X'mas Hi , I'm so sorry you had such a stressful holiday visit. Argh. I empathize totally. My suggestion for any future visits together: 1. The visit be only a day-trip; as short as possible. 2. If it must be an overnight visit to your area, nada stays at a hotel. If you're visiting nada's area, you and your husband stay at a hotel. It sounds to me that in your case, longer visits (more than a day) and having nada stay with you in your home are contraindicated. I bet that will result in less aggravation and stress for all of you. -Annie > > It's not thaaat bad. Hopefully will not be worst than this. > > Day 1) Nada arrived on the X'mas day. > She was OK, had a nice trip and didn't complain of things as I thought before. > Thanks God my forecast of her state of mind arrival was a mistake. > Her " boyfriend " (a married old man which whom she has a relationship for more > than 20 years!) > went to the airport too and we all had coffee together. He left to his home. > Nada, my husband and me cooked at home. Quiet nice evening. > > Day 2) Spent all day shopping and cooking at home. Quiet pleasant day > but I needed to " swallow " some of her strange behaviours. > I get very irritated with most of things she does or say. > Nada learned to open/close the apartment and use the microwave today. > It's very difficult for her to learn anything new. It's necessary lots of > pacience to explain her things > and this also makes me very tired to be with her too. > > Day 3) Went to work with my husband. Nada stayed at home alone for the 1st time > > since arrival. > Her boyfriend called while I was working to say he's going to visit her at my > home. > First I said OK, then later I told him to forget today because Nada doesn't >know > > how to open the entrance door > from the interphone painel inside the apartment. There's a gate that he can't >go > > in without a key or someone to open from inside. > Every little thing is a such big thing to her to learn that I forgot to explain > > about the interphone on the day before. > He started to say how she doesn't know a such simple thing and bla bla bla, I > was busy at that moment, he was inconvenient > calling me while I'm working then I lost my temper with him over the phone. > I told him to not go there 'cause I didn't want he sneaking in the blg. when > someone else enter the apartment and > didn't want my mother yelling to him from inside the apartment if she finds > problem to open the door (it's a bit trick). > I got pretty irritated after talk to him and this feeling folllow me all day > long. > I came back home and found out that he went there and the gas system was > switched off so Nada didn't have shower because > no hot water. She said she didn't do anything and that he might have switched > off the system. Later on I discovered she lied to me. > Nada does another thing very that irritates me too: she can't see a > single little light of any device on that she finds a way to > switch off the light to save energy. And explain her that those small lights > doesn't consume much and somethings need to be switched on ALL the time like >the > > gas system = doesn't work...she doen't understand. > > Thinking only about it, it's not a reason to blow up but... I did. I flipped > out. I never saw my husband almost crying to stop me. > I started screamming at her, ordering her to not touch things she doesn't know > in my house, that I hate her " boyfriend " , that I spent my time I should be > working doing things for her, then she started to pack her things to leave. > A 75y/o with 1 big and 1 small suitcases leaving in a winter night (almost > midnight) and didn't want even to take her coat. > I called a nearby hotel and booked a room, she refused to go. > I told her I would call the police to bring her back if she leaves like that >and > > she started to loose her temper. > Both of us was flipping out and calming down in random in a matter of minutes > and I just feel very sorry for my dear husband for see and deal with all of it. > > He told me to leave the room to calm down her so I had a shower where I cried a > > lot. > Nada still wanted to leave my apartment anyway saying I was kicking out a sick > and old mother + same bla bla bla in these occasions. > I got tired and just stopped to talk to her, she moved all her things out of >the > > apartment and in the entrance she wanted to handle back the apartment key but > she coudn't find. She stayed an hour or so looking for the key, my husband said > > " you can't leave our apartment without give back the key, so better you have > some sleep and look for it tomorrow " . > She calmed down, I show her how to use her new pre paid mobile. > I told her if she wanted a sleeping pill as I would take 1 for myself, she > wanted, I gave half of 1 to her and everybody went to sleep. > After my husband told me he took out the key without her notice because he was > worried she would do something crazy and could loose our spare key with the > address written in another paper.(the key wasn't together the paper but...) > This morning we wake up to work, I left earlier than my husband, he returned >our > > spare key to her bag and left her sleeping. > I called many times her mobile that she just learned how to use but she didn't > pick up. I don't if she didn't listen or if she forgots how to use or if she >did > > something crazy and I'm just writting during my working time when in fact I > should be working instead of being worried and tired of all of this.Plus, who > knows what I will face when I go back tonight? > And...I've been worried about her but...am I crazy too ?? Now I'm worried about > > myself and my poor husband. > I'm a shame to let my husband see me so out of control, I hate to loose control > > of things but, recently, small things gets my nerves! > I work with other 3 people (1 boss too young to have alzheimer but sounds like > this , 1 nutty and only 1 " normal " and kind sweet heart) > so after a stressfull day, I have my husband to soothing me but now I have Nada > > to top on it. > How can I get more patience now? > What do you think about of this? any suggestions? > Thank you to read all of this ... > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Thank you Annie.. but she came from the other side of the planet for another round of exams as the doctors where she lives diagnosed breast cancer level 1. I felt very said about it but now anger is mixing up, I can't stand her anymore and, of course it makes me feel very guilt...how I can feel anger towards my own mother with cancer? I'm going to seek treatment for myself but it will take sometime to start it. For future, I hope I can follow your suggestions (my husband said same) but now she wants to live CLOSE to my home, to be always near me and it freaks me out.She's very toxic. I can't sleep well and I'm already not function well. How can I can handle anger? any suggestion about how to control myself when I get angry? I'm getting angry easily recently.. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wed, January 12, 2011 5:16:00 AM Subject: Re: nightmare after X'mas Hi , I'm so sorry you had such a stressful holiday visit. Argh. I empathize totally. My suggestion for any future visits together: 1. The visit be only a day-trip; as short as possible. 2. If it must be an overnight visit to your area, nada stays at a hotel. If you're visiting nada's area, you and your husband stay at a hotel. It sounds to me that in your case, longer visits (more than a day) and having nada stay with you in your home are contraindicated. I bet that will result in less aggravation and stress for all of you. -Annie > > It's not thaaat bad. Hopefully will not be worst than this. > > Day 1) Nada arrived on the X'mas day. > She was OK, had a nice trip and didn't complain of things as I thought before. > Thanks God my forecast of her state of mind arrival was a mistake. > Her " boyfriend " (a married old man which whom she has a relationship for more > than 20 years!) > went to the airport too and we all had coffee together. He left to his home. > Nada, my husband and me cooked at home. Quiet nice evening. > > Day 2) Spent all day shopping and cooking at home. Quiet pleasant day > but I needed to " swallow " some of her strange behaviours. > I get very irritated with most of things she does or say. > Nada learned to open/close the apartment and use the microwave today. > It's very difficult for her to learn anything new. It's necessary lots of > pacience to explain her things > and this also makes me very tired to be with her too. > > Day 3) Went to work with my husband. Nada stayed at home alone for the 1st time > > since arrival. > Her boyfriend called while I was working to say he's going to visit her at my > home. > First I said OK, then later I told him to forget today because Nada doesn't >know > > how to open the entrance door > from the interphone painel inside the apartment. There's a gate that he can't >go > > in without a key or someone to open from inside. > Every little thing is a such big thing to her to learn that I forgot to explain > > about the interphone on the day before. > He started to say how she doesn't know a such simple thing and bla bla bla, I > was busy at that moment, he was inconvenient > calling me while I'm working then I lost my temper with him over the phone. > I told him to not go there 'cause I didn't want he sneaking in the blg. when > someone else enter the apartment and > didn't want my mother yelling to him from inside the apartment if she finds > problem to open the door (it's a bit trick). > I got pretty irritated after talk to him and this feeling folllow me all day > long. > I came back home and found out that he went there and the gas system was > switched off so Nada didn't have shower because > no hot water. She said she didn't do anything and that he might have switched > off the system. Later on I discovered she lied to me. > Nada does another thing very that irritates me too: she can't see a > single little light of any device on that she finds a way to > switch off the light to save energy. And explain her that those small lights > doesn't consume much and somethings need to be switched on ALL the time like >the > > gas system = doesn't work...she doen't understand. > > Thinking only about it, it's not a reason to blow up but... I did. I flipped > out. I never saw my husband almost crying to stop me. > I started screamming at her, ordering her to not touch things she doesn't know > in my house, that I hate her " boyfriend " , that I spent my time I should be > working doing things for her, then she started to pack her things to leave. > A 75y/o with 1 big and 1 small suitcases leaving in a winter night (almost > midnight) and didn't want even to take her coat. > I called a nearby hotel and booked a room, she refused to go. > I told her I would call the police to bring her back if she leaves like that >and > > she started to loose her temper. > Both of us was flipping out and calming down in random in a matter of minutes > and I just feel very sorry for my dear husband for see and deal with all of it. > > He told me to leave the room to calm down her so I had a shower where I cried a > > lot. > Nada still wanted to leave my apartment anyway saying I was kicking out a sick > and old mother + same bla bla bla in these occasions. > I got tired and just stopped to talk to her, she moved all her things out of >the > > apartment and in the entrance she wanted to handle back the apartment key but > she coudn't find. She stayed an hour or so looking for the key, my husband said > > " you can't leave our apartment without give back the key, so better you have > some sleep and look for it tomorrow " . > She calmed down, I show her how to use her new pre paid mobile. > I told her if she wanted a sleeping pill as I would take 1 for myself, she > wanted, I gave half of 1 to her and everybody went to sleep. > After my husband told me he took out the key without her notice because he was > worried she would do something crazy and could loose our spare key with the > address written in another paper.(the key wasn't together the paper but...) > This morning we wake up to work, I left earlier than my husband, he returned >our > > spare key to her bag and left her sleeping. > I called many times her mobile that she just learned how to use but she didn't > pick up. I don't if she didn't listen or if she forgots how to use or if she >did > > something crazy and I'm just writting during my working time when in fact I > should be working instead of being worried and tired of all of this.Plus, who > knows what I will face when I go back tonight? > And...I've been worried about her but...am I crazy too ?? Now I'm worried about > > myself and my poor husband. > I'm a shame to let my husband see me so out of control, I hate to loose control > > of things but, recently, small things gets my nerves! > I work with other 3 people (1 boss too young to have alzheimer but sounds like > this , 1 nutty and only 1 " normal " and kind sweet heart) > so after a stressfull day, I have my husband to soothing me but now I have Nada > > to top on it. > How can I get more patience now? > What do you think about of this? any suggestions? > Thank you to read all of this ... > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Thank you Annie.. but she came from the other side of the planet for another round of exams as the doctors where she lives diagnosed breast cancer level 1. I felt very said about it but now anger is mixing up, I can't stand her anymore and, of course it makes me feel very guilt...how I can feel anger towards my own mother with cancer? I'm going to seek treatment for myself but it will take sometime to start it. For future, I hope I can follow your suggestions (my husband said same) but now she wants to live CLOSE to my home, to be always near me and it freaks me out.She's very toxic. I can't sleep well and I'm already not function well. How can I can handle anger? any suggestion about how to control myself when I get angry? I'm getting angry easily recently.. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wed, January 12, 2011 5:16:00 AM Subject: Re: nightmare after X'mas Hi , I'm so sorry you had such a stressful holiday visit. Argh. I empathize totally. My suggestion for any future visits together: 1. The visit be only a day-trip; as short as possible. 2. If it must be an overnight visit to your area, nada stays at a hotel. If you're visiting nada's area, you and your husband stay at a hotel. It sounds to me that in your case, longer visits (more than a day) and having nada stay with you in your home are contraindicated. I bet that will result in less aggravation and stress for all of you. -Annie > > It's not thaaat bad. Hopefully will not be worst than this. > > Day 1) Nada arrived on the X'mas day. > She was OK, had a nice trip and didn't complain of things as I thought before. > Thanks God my forecast of her state of mind arrival was a mistake. > Her " boyfriend " (a married old man which whom she has a relationship for more > than 20 years!) > went to the airport too and we all had coffee together. He left to his home. > Nada, my husband and me cooked at home. Quiet nice evening. > > Day 2) Spent all day shopping and cooking at home. Quiet pleasant day > but I needed to " swallow " some of her strange behaviours. > I get very irritated with most of things she does or say. > Nada learned to open/close the apartment and use the microwave today. > It's very difficult for her to learn anything new. It's necessary lots of > pacience to explain her things > and this also makes me very tired to be with her too. > > Day 3) Went to work with my husband. Nada stayed at home alone for the 1st time > > since arrival. > Her boyfriend called while I was working to say he's going to visit her at my > home. > First I said OK, then later I told him to forget today because Nada doesn't >know > > how to open the entrance door > from the interphone painel inside the apartment. There's a gate that he can't >go > > in without a key or someone to open from inside. > Every little thing is a such big thing to her to learn that I forgot to explain > > about the interphone on the day before. > He started to say how she doesn't know a such simple thing and bla bla bla, I > was busy at that moment, he was inconvenient > calling me while I'm working then I lost my temper with him over the phone. > I told him to not go there 'cause I didn't want he sneaking in the blg. when > someone else enter the apartment and > didn't want my mother yelling to him from inside the apartment if she finds > problem to open the door (it's a bit trick). > I got pretty irritated after talk to him and this feeling folllow me all day > long. > I came back home and found out that he went there and the gas system was > switched off so Nada didn't have shower because > no hot water. She said she didn't do anything and that he might have switched > off the system. Later on I discovered she lied to me. > Nada does another thing very that irritates me too: she can't see a > single little light of any device on that she finds a way to > switch off the light to save energy. And explain her that those small lights > doesn't consume much and somethings need to be switched on ALL the time like >the > > gas system = doesn't work...she doen't understand. > > Thinking only about it, it's not a reason to blow up but... I did. I flipped > out. I never saw my husband almost crying to stop me. > I started screamming at her, ordering her to not touch things she doesn't know > in my house, that I hate her " boyfriend " , that I spent my time I should be > working doing things for her, then she started to pack her things to leave. > A 75y/o with 1 big and 1 small suitcases leaving in a winter night (almost > midnight) and didn't want even to take her coat. > I called a nearby hotel and booked a room, she refused to go. > I told her I would call the police to bring her back if she leaves like that >and > > she started to loose her temper. > Both of us was flipping out and calming down in random in a matter of minutes > and I just feel very sorry for my dear husband for see and deal with all of it. > > He told me to leave the room to calm down her so I had a shower where I cried a > > lot. > Nada still wanted to leave my apartment anyway saying I was kicking out a sick > and old mother + same bla bla bla in these occasions. > I got tired and just stopped to talk to her, she moved all her things out of >the > > apartment and in the entrance she wanted to handle back the apartment key but > she coudn't find. She stayed an hour or so looking for the key, my husband said > > " you can't leave our apartment without give back the key, so better you have > some sleep and look for it tomorrow " . > She calmed down, I show her how to use her new pre paid mobile. > I told her if she wanted a sleeping pill as I would take 1 for myself, she > wanted, I gave half of 1 to her and everybody went to sleep. > After my husband told me he took out the key without her notice because he was > worried she would do something crazy and could loose our spare key with the > address written in another paper.(the key wasn't together the paper but...) > This morning we wake up to work, I left earlier than my husband, he returned >our > > spare key to her bag and left her sleeping. > I called many times her mobile that she just learned how to use but she didn't > pick up. I don't if she didn't listen or if she forgots how to use or if she >did > > something crazy and I'm just writting during my working time when in fact I > should be working instead of being worried and tired of all of this.Plus, who > knows what I will face when I go back tonight? > And...I've been worried about her but...am I crazy too ?? Now I'm worried about > > myself and my poor husband. > I'm a shame to let my husband see me so out of control, I hate to loose control > > of things but, recently, small things gets my nerves! > I work with other 3 people (1 boss too young to have alzheimer but sounds like > this , 1 nutty and only 1 " normal " and kind sweet heart) > so after a stressfull day, I have my husband to soothing me but now I have Nada > > to top on it. > How can I get more patience now? > What do you think about of this? any suggestions? > Thank you to read all of this ... > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 How awful for you, all of you. I know what you mean; I also ask myself how can I cut off contact with my angelic-appearing little old white-haired mother who has so many health problems of her own and is now starting to hallucinate? Well, she's mean and hateful, that's why. She hurts my Sister's feelings over and over and over again. And mine. And she's been abusive to us our whole lives. And even though Sister and I repeatedly knocked ourselves out trying to please her, she'd jab us and cut us anyway and seemed to *enjoy* it. That's why. My theory is that we feel anger like you're experiencing when we feel that we have no control over stuff that's happening to us. You can't control that your mother has cancer, or that she's choosing to move near you with the expectation that you are going to take care of her. So, maybe work together with your husband to figure out things about this that you *do* have control over. Such as, for example, you can decide that you will allow only one phone call a week from/with your nada and it will be for only 15 minutes (unless it is a life-threatening emergency.) You can decide that even if she moves close to you, you will not be providing nursing or assisted-living care for her, you'll arrange for a home-care service to do that. I think if and when you can take back some of the power and control over the situation, you'll feel less over-all anger. Your husband sounds wise, supportive and compassionate, how wonderful to have such a great guy as a husband. -Annie > > Thank you Annie.. > but she came from the other side of the planet for another round of exams as the > doctors where she lives diagnosed breast cancer level 1. > I felt very said about it but now anger is mixing up, I can't stand her anymore > and, of course it makes me feel very guilt...how I can feel anger towards my own > mother with cancer? > I'm going to seek treatment for myself but it will take sometime to start it. > For future, I hope I can follow your suggestions (my husband said same) but now > she wants to live CLOSE to my home, to be always near me and it freaks me > out.She's very toxic. I can't sleep well and I'm already not function well. > How can I can handle anger? any suggestion about how to control myself when I > get angry? I'm getting angry easily recently.. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Hi , that really IS a nightmare. you poor thing. I truly have no advice. I just want you to know I know how you feel. I don't like it when my mother comes over for 2 hours much less two freaking MONTHS. You are not a bad daughter You are not a bad wife It was ok for you to go apeshit on your mother's boyfriend It's a huge imposition on you and your family and it really sucks. Your mother sounds so much like mine, it's scary. > > It's not thaaat bad. Hopefully will not be worst than this. > > Day 1) Nada arrived on the X'mas day. > She was OK, had a nice trip and didn't complain of things as I thought before. > Thanks God my forecast of her state of mind arrival was a mistake. > Her " boyfriend " (a married old man which whom she has a relationship for more > than 20 years!) > went to the airport too and we all had coffee together. He left to his home. > Nada, my husband and me cooked at home. Quiet nice evening. > > Day 2) Spent all day shopping and cooking at home. Quiet pleasant day > but I needed to " swallow " some of her strange behaviours. > I get very irritated with most of things she does or say. > Nada learned to open/close the apartment and use the microwave today. > It's very difficult for her to learn anything new. It's necessary lots of > pacience to explain her things > and this also makes me very tired to be with her too. > > Day 3) Went to work with my husband. Nada stayed at home alone for the 1st time > since arrival. > Her boyfriend called while I was working to say he's going to visit her at my > home. > First I said OK, then later I told him to forget today because Nada doesn't know > how to open the entrance door > from the interphone painel inside the apartment. There's a gate that he can't go > in without a key or someone to open from inside. > Every little thing is a such big thing to her to learn that I forgot to explain > about the interphone on the day before. > He started to say how she doesn't know a such simple thing and bla bla bla, I > was busy at that moment, he was inconvenient > calling me while I'm working then I lost my temper with him over the phone. > I told him to not go there 'cause I didn't want he sneaking in the blg. when > someone else enter the apartment and > didn't want my mother yelling to him from inside the apartment if she finds > problem to open the door (it's a bit trick). > I got pretty irritated after talk to him and this feeling folllow me all day > long. > I came back home and found out that he went there and the gas system was > switched off so Nada didn't have shower because > no hot water. She said she didn't do anything and that he might have switched > off the system. Later on I discovered she lied to me. > Nada does another thing very that irritates me too: she can't see a > single little light of any device on that she finds a way to > switch off the light to save energy. And explain her that those small lights > doesn't consume much and somethings need to be switched on ALL the time like the > gas system = doesn't work...she doen't understand. > > Thinking only about it, it's not a reason to blow up but... I did. I flipped > out. I never saw my husband almost crying to stop me. > I started screamming at her, ordering her to not touch things she doesn't know > in my house, that I hate her " boyfriend " , that I spent my time I should be > working doing things for her, then she started to pack her things to leave. > A 75y/o with 1 big and 1 small suitcases leaving in a winter night (almost > midnight) and didn't want even to take her coat. > I called a nearby hotel and booked a room, she refused to go. > I told her I would call the police to bring her back if she leaves like that and > she started to loose her temper. > Both of us was flipping out and calming down in random in a matter of minutes > and I just feel very sorry for my dear husband for see and deal with all of it. > He told me to leave the room to calm down her so I had a shower where I cried a > lot. > Nada still wanted to leave my apartment anyway saying I was kicking out a sick > and old mother + same bla bla bla in these occasions. > I got tired and just stopped to talk to her, she moved all her things out of the > apartment and in the entrance she wanted to handle back the apartment key but > she coudn't find. She stayed an hour or so looking for the key, my husband said > " you can't leave our apartment without give back the key, so better you have > some sleep and look for it tomorrow " . > She calmed down, I show her how to use her new pre paid mobile. > I told her if she wanted a sleeping pill as I would take 1 for myself, she > wanted, I gave half of 1 to her and everybody went to sleep. > After my husband told me he took out the key without her notice because he was > worried she would do something crazy and could loose our spare key with the > address written in another paper.(the key wasn't together the paper but...) > This morning we wake up to work, I left earlier than my husband, he returned our > spare key to her bag and left her sleeping. > I called many times her mobile that she just learned how to use but she didn't > pick up. I don't if she didn't listen or if she forgots how to use or if she did > something crazy and I'm just writting during my working time when in fact I > should be working instead of being worried and tired of all of this.Plus, who > knows what I will face when I go back tonight? > And...I've been worried about her but...am I crazy too ?? Now I'm worried about > myself and my poor husband. > I'm a shame to let my husband see me so out of control, I hate to loose control > of things but, recently, small things gets my nerves! > I work with other 3 people (1 boss too young to have alzheimer but sounds like > this , 1 nutty and only 1 " normal " and kind sweet heart) > so after a stressfull day, I have my husband to soothing me but now I have Nada > to top on it. > How can I get more patience now? > What do you think about of this? any suggestions? > Thank you to read all of this ... > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Thank you Fiona. You make me feel better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Thank you Fiona. You make me feel better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Thank you Fiona. You make me feel better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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