Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Even though I've gone NC with nada...there are times I so wish I had a mother. I underwent a hysterectomy today and this is something my nada has been through. I wish she could have been there or at least on the phone to help me through it. But I realize that the thoughts and emotional reactions I'm having are no different than a woman who has lost her mother. I keep telling myself this to keep it in perspective. The reality is, she'd probably say something like, " it's your fault your uterus was malfunctioning because you had too da@! many kids. " So yeah, I don't need that and I'm recuperating at home with the help of friends just fine. My oldest daughter is with me and I'm doing my absolute best not to impose on her too much because I just refuse to be a burden. But I'm so lucky that I have her here, that I have a good relationship with her and that she loves me as much as I love her. These thoughts I'm having are just amazing. I think of my oldest daughter, she doesn't always do the things that I think she should but I see her, the person she really is on the inside and she's really a beautiful soul. I would never imagine trying to tear that apart for any reason. I told her that if I get too old to take care of myself, put me in a home...if I get senile or abusive with her in any way, don't take it not one bit of it. Set healthy boundaries even with family and know that no matter what I love you so much!!!!!! My children are such amazing souls. I could not imagine trying to manipulate them to make them demonstrate their love for me on my terms. No matter what they do, they love me and I know that I so would never berate them for not calling, not funding my lifestyle or not doing things for me. I cannot fathom that not one bit. But, I am NOW emotionally healthy. My nada feels entitlement to all of those things from me and I am evil and mean as well as hurtful if I don't give into her demands. I'm never allowed to love her on my terms (my terms are not good enough), only her terms. So unfortunate! Something really important - other people's actions are just not about you - NO MATTER WHAT. Other people's actions and words are about them. Think about it this way...when you've had a bad day or not enough sleep and you feel crabby...if you SNAP at someone your SNAPPING is about you and not about them. So NADA snapping and insulting is NOT about me. It's about her. This one thing is a huge key to healing all of these feelings about a nada/fada with bpd. Back to my original thought (sorry for the wandering - pain meds do that to me...LOL), My " missing " nada is not really missing my nada. It's missing having a loving mother in my life and it's heightened by what I'm going through. It would be nice to have a mother to help me, be there for me in times like these. But, I don't have that. Being the silver-lining seeker I always am...what I do have is a lot of truly amazing friends that are loving, kind and helpful. They are like family. I have had so many offers of help while I'm recuperating it just makes me want to cry...but only happy tears. It's love. Despite how I grew up...I can love, I can feel love and I can receive love. That is no small miracle! Just wanted to share. Blessings to all. Jaie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Thank you so much Mia!!! (((((((((hugs))))))))) Right back at ya hysta sistah! You know what it so funny and I have to laugh at myself now... My boss and 3 co-workers offered to take me to the hospital and pick me up. I was planning to walk over (I love to walk and it's right down the street) and then take a cab home (a 3 minute ride). My neighbor hearing this said, " Absolutely NOT - I'll drop you off there on my way to take my granddaughter to day care and I will be free this afternoon so just tell the hospital to call me when you need a ride home. " I felt so bad for her having to go out of her way and she just told me to " stop it " and think nothing of it at all. How funny am I that I was going to go to such extremes! LOL My neighbor is such a sweetheart. She's in her 60's like nada but is a really, really good mother to her girls and an awesome grandmother to her granddaughter. She's the kind of mom I wish I had and how lucky am I that she rents the studio over my garage. (we both rent in a condo complex). I am so truly blessed and I know I very much need to learn to let people help. Letting people in to love and trust, I don't struggle so much with. I'm cautious but not overly so. Asking for help has always been different. Now I know why. This fierce independent streak is, in fact, a defense mechanism. I accept that and will work on it with gentleness and care! I think somewhere along the way I got tired of disappointment when I needed anything and parents being so self-absorbed and addicted they just couldn't or wouldn't and in fact, I got neglect instead (it was unintentional as I know they did the best they could and I do know that they loved me and that nada still does somewhere too). I did get the benefit of a good motherly experience today thanks to my neighbor, bless her golden heart! I'd do the same for her in a heart beat. I can't wait to get out again. I want to get her a pretty bouquet of flowers - not just for helping me out but just because she deserves them for being such an awesome mom. I'm also going to buy myself one because I'm an awesome mom too! LOL I'm doing much better now with the nada thoughts. And am really focused on taking care of me. It only took me 5 hours to do it but got all my phone calls and text messages out. LOL Typing is actually a great distraction from the pain (no guarantee this won't look like typonese when it comes across though-giggles). I'm so glad to hear that you have had a smooth recovery time. I'm absolutely planning on it. My doctor warned me that 56% of laparascopic hysterectomies ended up being abdominal. I didn't know what I was going to wake up to but when they told me as soon as the doctor comes in, I'd be able to be discharged home, I wanted to do a happy dance. My doctor and nurse both told me they were surprised at how quickly I recover from anesthesia. I told my doctor before surgery that I always bounce back fast. Within a few minutes of connecting to consciousness, I was asking for coffee (I didn't get to have any this morning) and the sweet nurse I had brewed me a cup with my favorite creamer even (nestle's...yum). I was in heaven. The doctor released me for 1 hour from the time I woke up. Being able to be at home with facebook, NCIS, my own COFFEE made for a great initial recuperation. I've been up and around frequently but slowly and I do believe I will be able to make it up stairs tonight for bed time, if I move slowly. I know I'll be sore tomorrow but I will be okay. I just know it. The pain meds work really well and once the morphine wore off, I didn't feel so gumby like. LOL This will also be the longest time away from work in 8 years. The weather is supposed to be spring-like off and on and I just couldn't ask for more - but I might just because I need to practice. LOL Thank you again for your post. It helped me so much. Realizing how many bits and pieces are still left to work on is a good thing. One thing at a time, one step at a time and slowly but surely, we'll all get there. I find the more positive things I continue to do to show myself that I love me, the better all of this BPD and drama gets to deal with. Much love and many blessings!!!! jaie > > ((((Jaie)))) Big big gentle hugs to you. I just had my hysterectomy last > tuesday, the 11th. If you want to talk about it off list, don't hesitate to > email me (zobimia@...). > > I absolutely relate to wanting the mother we all deserve. I was telling my > fiance on the way to the hospital that I thought maybe I should draw a > picture that mother. Imagine her the way I would like her and draw a > picture of her. I don't think she would look like my nada because nada just > strikes such fear into me. I think she would have similar features, but she > would be kind, gentle & happy... softer, so to speak. I can sort of imagine > her with a smile on her face. Thinking about it does bring tears to my > eyes, but I still think I should do it. Maybe it will be therapeutic in > some way. > > I think what you've told your children is amazing. I also understand not > wanting to be a burden, and again, I think that goes back to our childhoods. > We were burdens to our nadas & fadas. My living situation at the moment > isn't great - I live with fiance and his father & 2 brothers. For the > longest time when I first moved in I would apologize profusely to his dad > telling him " I don't want to be a burden " . He would just hug me and tell me > I wasn't. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live here & finish my > degree, but I still can't help but feel like a burden. I think it's likely > something a lot of KOs experience due to feeling like burdens as children. > It also goes back to us not being kind enough to ourselves, feeling we > don't deserve the same things that others do. For me, I didn't feel like I > deserved a safe place to live... when I lost the room I was staying in > before moving in here, I was so devastated and just told fiance to take me > to a homeless shelter. I didn't even feel worthy enough to ask for his > help, for his dads help. He told his dad what was going on (which was > another screwy situation that really speaks to how KOs can be > re-victimized.), his dad told him to tell me to pack my bags, I had a place > to live. > > I'm so glad that somehow you & I and so many others here have been able to > escape that pattern of abusiveness. You sound like an amazing mother to me! > Your kids are so lucky to have you. > > Now, enough talk about nadas & fadas and all the craziness we all endured as > kids... right now this time is about YOU and your recovery! Try to think of > good things, and give yourself permission to be pampered. It's ok to ask > for help, it's ok to sleep if you're tired, and it's ok to just watch TV or > surf the web or read a book if you want. It's ok to ask for someone to > bring you something, or to make you something to eat. Give yourself that > permission so you can heal. If it helps you, think of how you would react > to someone you love in the same situation. Wouldn't you want to help? > Wouldn't you be glad to bring them their slippers or help them change their > socks? For me that helps... I have never had a problem helping others, but > I do lack when it comes to helping myself. As a nursing student, I think > " Ok, what would I say or do for my patient " . And if it's good enough for > someone else, guess what? It's ok for me too! > > I really hope that in a short time you'll feel as amazing as I do right now. > I am 1.5 weeks post op, not taking any more narcotic pain meds & feel > REALLY amazing! I think in a couple of weeks I'll feel like a million bucks > =) I can only hope & pray that you have as smooth a recovery as I have so > far. Oh, and don't forget to get up & walk a little here & there! Take > your IV pole for a ride down the hallways lol. Movement will only help to > get blood flowing so you can heal. > > ((((Jaie)))) more hugs for you =) Hang in there & keep us posted on your > recovery. Get some rest too! Your body needs it. > > Mia > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Thank you so much Mia!!! (((((((((hugs))))))))) Right back at ya hysta sistah! You know what it so funny and I have to laugh at myself now... My boss and 3 co-workers offered to take me to the hospital and pick me up. I was planning to walk over (I love to walk and it's right down the street) and then take a cab home (a 3 minute ride). My neighbor hearing this said, " Absolutely NOT - I'll drop you off there on my way to take my granddaughter to day care and I will be free this afternoon so just tell the hospital to call me when you need a ride home. " I felt so bad for her having to go out of her way and she just told me to " stop it " and think nothing of it at all. How funny am I that I was going to go to such extremes! LOL My neighbor is such a sweetheart. She's in her 60's like nada but is a really, really good mother to her girls and an awesome grandmother to her granddaughter. She's the kind of mom I wish I had and how lucky am I that she rents the studio over my garage. (we both rent in a condo complex). I am so truly blessed and I know I very much need to learn to let people help. Letting people in to love and trust, I don't struggle so much with. I'm cautious but not overly so. Asking for help has always been different. Now I know why. This fierce independent streak is, in fact, a defense mechanism. I accept that and will work on it with gentleness and care! I think somewhere along the way I got tired of disappointment when I needed anything and parents being so self-absorbed and addicted they just couldn't or wouldn't and in fact, I got neglect instead (it was unintentional as I know they did the best they could and I do know that they loved me and that nada still does somewhere too). I did get the benefit of a good motherly experience today thanks to my neighbor, bless her golden heart! I'd do the same for her in a heart beat. I can't wait to get out again. I want to get her a pretty bouquet of flowers - not just for helping me out but just because she deserves them for being such an awesome mom. I'm also going to buy myself one because I'm an awesome mom too! LOL I'm doing much better now with the nada thoughts. And am really focused on taking care of me. It only took me 5 hours to do it but got all my phone calls and text messages out. LOL Typing is actually a great distraction from the pain (no guarantee this won't look like typonese when it comes across though-giggles). I'm so glad to hear that you have had a smooth recovery time. I'm absolutely planning on it. My doctor warned me that 56% of laparascopic hysterectomies ended up being abdominal. I didn't know what I was going to wake up to but when they told me as soon as the doctor comes in, I'd be able to be discharged home, I wanted to do a happy dance. My doctor and nurse both told me they were surprised at how quickly I recover from anesthesia. I told my doctor before surgery that I always bounce back fast. Within a few minutes of connecting to consciousness, I was asking for coffee (I didn't get to have any this morning) and the sweet nurse I had brewed me a cup with my favorite creamer even (nestle's...yum). I was in heaven. The doctor released me for 1 hour from the time I woke up. Being able to be at home with facebook, NCIS, my own COFFEE made for a great initial recuperation. I've been up and around frequently but slowly and I do believe I will be able to make it up stairs tonight for bed time, if I move slowly. I know I'll be sore tomorrow but I will be okay. I just know it. The pain meds work really well and once the morphine wore off, I didn't feel so gumby like. LOL This will also be the longest time away from work in 8 years. The weather is supposed to be spring-like off and on and I just couldn't ask for more - but I might just because I need to practice. LOL Thank you again for your post. It helped me so much. Realizing how many bits and pieces are still left to work on is a good thing. One thing at a time, one step at a time and slowly but surely, we'll all get there. I find the more positive things I continue to do to show myself that I love me, the better all of this BPD and drama gets to deal with. Much love and many blessings!!!! jaie > > ((((Jaie)))) Big big gentle hugs to you. I just had my hysterectomy last > tuesday, the 11th. If you want to talk about it off list, don't hesitate to > email me (zobimia@...). > > I absolutely relate to wanting the mother we all deserve. I was telling my > fiance on the way to the hospital that I thought maybe I should draw a > picture that mother. Imagine her the way I would like her and draw a > picture of her. I don't think she would look like my nada because nada just > strikes such fear into me. I think she would have similar features, but she > would be kind, gentle & happy... softer, so to speak. I can sort of imagine > her with a smile on her face. Thinking about it does bring tears to my > eyes, but I still think I should do it. Maybe it will be therapeutic in > some way. > > I think what you've told your children is amazing. I also understand not > wanting to be a burden, and again, I think that goes back to our childhoods. > We were burdens to our nadas & fadas. My living situation at the moment > isn't great - I live with fiance and his father & 2 brothers. For the > longest time when I first moved in I would apologize profusely to his dad > telling him " I don't want to be a burden " . He would just hug me and tell me > I wasn't. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live here & finish my > degree, but I still can't help but feel like a burden. I think it's likely > something a lot of KOs experience due to feeling like burdens as children. > It also goes back to us not being kind enough to ourselves, feeling we > don't deserve the same things that others do. For me, I didn't feel like I > deserved a safe place to live... when I lost the room I was staying in > before moving in here, I was so devastated and just told fiance to take me > to a homeless shelter. I didn't even feel worthy enough to ask for his > help, for his dads help. He told his dad what was going on (which was > another screwy situation that really speaks to how KOs can be > re-victimized.), his dad told him to tell me to pack my bags, I had a place > to live. > > I'm so glad that somehow you & I and so many others here have been able to > escape that pattern of abusiveness. You sound like an amazing mother to me! > Your kids are so lucky to have you. > > Now, enough talk about nadas & fadas and all the craziness we all endured as > kids... right now this time is about YOU and your recovery! Try to think of > good things, and give yourself permission to be pampered. It's ok to ask > for help, it's ok to sleep if you're tired, and it's ok to just watch TV or > surf the web or read a book if you want. It's ok to ask for someone to > bring you something, or to make you something to eat. Give yourself that > permission so you can heal. If it helps you, think of how you would react > to someone you love in the same situation. Wouldn't you want to help? > Wouldn't you be glad to bring them their slippers or help them change their > socks? For me that helps... I have never had a problem helping others, but > I do lack when it comes to helping myself. As a nursing student, I think > " Ok, what would I say or do for my patient " . And if it's good enough for > someone else, guess what? It's ok for me too! > > I really hope that in a short time you'll feel as amazing as I do right now. > I am 1.5 weeks post op, not taking any more narcotic pain meds & feel > REALLY amazing! I think in a couple of weeks I'll feel like a million bucks > =) I can only hope & pray that you have as smooth a recovery as I have so > far. Oh, and don't forget to get up & walk a little here & there! Take > your IV pole for a ride down the hallways lol. Movement will only help to > get blood flowing so you can heal. > > ((((Jaie)))) more hugs for you =) Hang in there & keep us posted on your > recovery. Get some rest too! Your body needs it. > > Mia > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 I'm so glad to hear you're doing well! I'm a little surprised they let you go home so soon, but I do feel that there's something to be said for patients' recovery at home! I had to stay in the hospital 2 days because I had the abdominal type due to previous adhesions & scar tissue =( But I'm so so glad you're doing ok! Just remember if you need help don't hesitate for one second to ask for it. Call your neighbor, your daughter, someone to come help you out. You need time to rest & let your body mend. Even with a laproscopic surgery, there's still been a lot of trauma to your body, so try to rest =) I'm glad you're doing ok! I'm also glad you get where I was coming from with the whole feeling like a burden & all that stuff. I think more KOs could probably testify to the same feelings. Try to get some rest, hang in there and keep us posted =) ((((Jaie)))) Mia > > > Thank you so much Mia!!! (((((((((hugs))))))))) Right back at ya hysta > sistah! > > You know what it so funny and I have to laugh at myself now... My boss and > 3 co-workers offered to take me to the hospital and pick me up. I was > planning to walk over (I love to walk and it's right down the street) and > then take a cab home (a 3 minute ride). My neighbor hearing this said, > " Absolutely NOT - I'll drop you off there on my way to take my granddaughter > to day care and I will be free this afternoon so just tell the hospital to > call me when you need a ride home. " I felt so bad for her having to go out > of her way and she just told me to " stop it " and think nothing of it at all. > How funny am I that I was going to go to such extremes! LOL My neighbor is > such a sweetheart. She's in her 60's like nada but is a really, really good > mother to her girls and an awesome grandmother to her granddaughter. She's > the kind of mom I wish I had and how lucky am I that she rents the studio > over my garage. (we both rent in a condo complex). I am so truly blessed and > I know I very much need to learn to let people help. Letting people in to > love and trust, I don't struggle so much with. I'm cautious but not overly > so. Asking for help has always been different. Now I know why. This fierce > independent streak is, in fact, a defense mechanism. I accept that and will > work on it with gentleness and care! > > I think somewhere along the way I got tired of disappointment when I needed > anything and parents being so self-absorbed and addicted they just couldn't > or wouldn't and in fact, I got neglect instead (it was unintentional as I > know they did the best they could and I do know that they loved me and that > nada still does somewhere too). > > I did get the benefit of a good motherly experience today thanks to my > neighbor, bless her golden heart! I'd do the same for her in a heart beat. I > can't wait to get out again. I want to get her a pretty bouquet of flowers - > not just for helping me out but just because she deserves them for being > such an awesome mom. I'm also going to buy myself one because I'm an > awesome mom too! LOL > > I'm doing much better now with the nada thoughts. And am really focused on > taking care of me. It only took me 5 hours to do it but got all my phone > calls and text messages out. LOL Typing is actually a great distraction from > the pain (no guarantee this won't look like typonese when it comes across > though-giggles). > > I'm so glad to hear that you have had a smooth recovery time. I'm > absolutely planning on it. My doctor warned me that 56% of laparascopic > hysterectomies ended up being abdominal. I didn't know what I was going to > wake up to but when they told me as soon as the doctor comes in, I'd be able > to be discharged home, I wanted to do a happy dance. My doctor and nurse > both told me they were surprised at how quickly I recover from anesthesia. I > told my doctor before surgery that I always bounce back fast. Within a few > minutes of connecting to consciousness, I was asking for coffee (I didn't > get to have any this morning) and the sweet nurse I had brewed me a cup with > my favorite creamer even (nestle's...yum). I was in heaven. The doctor > released me for 1 hour from the time I woke up. Being able to be at home > with facebook, NCIS, my own COFFEE made for a great initial recuperation. > I've been up and around frequently but slowly and I do believe I will be > able to make it up stairs tonight for bed time, if I move slowly. > > I know I'll be sore tomorrow but I will be okay. I just know it. The pain > meds work really well and once the morphine wore off, I didn't feel so gumby > like. LOL This will also be the longest time away from work in 8 years. The > weather is supposed to be spring-like off and on and I just couldn't ask for > more - but I might just because I need to practice. LOL > > Thank you again for your post. It helped me so much. Realizing how many > bits and pieces are still left to work on is a good thing. One thing at a > time, one step at a time and slowly but surely, we'll all get there. I find > the more positive things I continue to do to show myself that I love me, the > better all of this BPD and drama gets to deal with. > > Much love and many blessings!!!! > > jaie > > > > > > > ((((Jaie)))) Big big gentle hugs to you. I just had my hysterectomy last > > tuesday, the 11th. If you want to talk about it off list, don't hesitate > to > > email me (zobimia@...). > > > > > I absolutely relate to wanting the mother we all deserve. I was telling > my > > fiance on the way to the hospital that I thought maybe I should draw a > > picture that mother. Imagine her the way I would like her and draw a > > picture of her. I don't think she would look like my nada because nada > just > > strikes such fear into me. I think she would have similar features, but > she > > would be kind, gentle & happy... softer, so to speak. I can sort of > imagine > > her with a smile on her face. Thinking about it does bring tears to my > > eyes, but I still think I should do it. Maybe it will be therapeutic in > > some way. > > > > I think what you've told your children is amazing. I also understand not > > wanting to be a burden, and again, I think that goes back to our > childhoods. > > We were burdens to our nadas & fadas. My living situation at the moment > > isn't great - I live with fiance and his father & 2 brothers. For the > > longest time when I first moved in I would apologize profusely to his dad > > telling him " I don't want to be a burden " . He would just hug me and tell > me > > I wasn't. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live here & finish my > > degree, but I still can't help but feel like a burden. I think it's > likely > > something a lot of KOs experience due to feeling like burdens as > children. > > It also goes back to us not being kind enough to ourselves, feeling we > > don't deserve the same things that others do. For me, I didn't feel like > I > > deserved a safe place to live... when I lost the room I was staying in > > before moving in here, I was so devastated and just told fiance to take > me > > to a homeless shelter. I didn't even feel worthy enough to ask for his > > help, for his dads help. He told his dad what was going on (which was > > another screwy situation that really speaks to how KOs can be > > re-victimized.), his dad told him to tell me to pack my bags, I had a > place > > to live. > > > > I'm so glad that somehow you & I and so many others here have been able > to > > escape that pattern of abusiveness. You sound like an amazing mother to > me! > > Your kids are so lucky to have you. > > > > Now, enough talk about nadas & fadas and all the craziness we all endured > as > > kids... right now this time is about YOU and your recovery! Try to think > of > > good things, and give yourself permission to be pampered. It's ok to ask > > for help, it's ok to sleep if you're tired, and it's ok to just watch TV > or > > surf the web or read a book if you want. It's ok to ask for someone to > > bring you something, or to make you something to eat. Give yourself that > > permission so you can heal. If it helps you, think of how you would react > > to someone you love in the same situation. Wouldn't you want to help? > > Wouldn't you be glad to bring them their slippers or help them change > their > > socks? For me that helps... I have never had a problem helping others, > but > > I do lack when it comes to helping myself. As a nursing student, I think > > " Ok, what would I say or do for my patient " . And if it's good enough for > > someone else, guess what? It's ok for me too! > > > > I really hope that in a short time you'll feel as amazing as I do right > now. > > I am 1.5 weeks post op, not taking any more narcotic pain meds & feel > > REALLY amazing! I think in a couple of weeks I'll feel like a million > bucks > > =) I can only hope & pray that you have as smooth a recovery as I have so > > far. Oh, and don't forget to get up & walk a little here & there! Take > > your IV pole for a ride down the hallways lol. Movement will only help to > > get blood flowing so you can heal. > > > > ((((Jaie)))) more hugs for you =) Hang in there & keep us posted on your > > recovery. Get some rest too! Your body needs it. > > > > Mia > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 (((((((Em)))))))) I am up and around but taking it easy. Mostly hanging out on the couch and playing on the computer. I did walk to the store today, very slowly. LOL It felt good to be outside in the sunshine. My daughter has been totally awesome. I got up this morning and she was getting ready for work. She made me some coffee. I'm so lucky to have her and she's been such a big help. I loved your line " swears of joy. " OMG! That was priceless and I so understand what you mean. I so appreciate your supportive words and to have an opportunity to share and exchange ideas here. We've had it tough but there is a way out. I'm totally NC with nada. That will probably never change but its what I need for me to be healthy so, it is what it is. Today, I'm really good and not thinking about missing a mom. When I really need a mother - I do imagine there is this tall beautiful and kind woman standing there and I ask her for advice and I hear her kind loving words in support of me and every step I take. It's me parenting me but who cares, it works. I didn't get that kind of mom this time around but I can be that mom. Something I take great pleasure in. Doesn't it feel good when you can be the wonderful things to your children that your nada could not be to you? It's kind of like, in spite of your horrid abuse, I broke the cycle and my children are admired, respected and so loved. I won't perpetuate the family disease and dysfunction of verbal abuse! I refuse to participate in that. My nada hates me and told me I need to just rot in hell for all of the unforgiveable things I've done to her. All I did was stop her from abusing me and my kids by kicking her out and filing a restraining order to protect us. I never attacked her. The last few times we spoke, she threw these stories at me of things I've done to her that just never happened. I explained that I was there and have a completely different story, how could it be that she tells this tale of things that happened that she worked herself up to a froth over and I was there and nothing of the sort happened. She would just get mad and hang up on me. I quit giving her any leeway on the distortions she made up in her mind. I didn't argue and didn't even raise my voice even though I could feel her frothing at the mouth. She had to vilify me in order to feel okay about what she did to me. I went through that with the NPD exhusband too. I knew none of the things either of them said were true so didn't need to react. I just withdrew and cut them off. I have a wonderful life now that is filled with healthy and loving relationships and friendships and they still scream from the mountain tops how I abused them. its scary how they use me to extract sympathy to manipulate others. Its chilling the lengths BPD and NPD will go to. I never attacked either of them, I just defended and went silent. Something I've noticed is that if you don't love an NPD or BPD exactly on their terms, they will throw a temper tantrum like spoiled brats and lie to others to extract sympathy to vilify you for doing the things to them that they actually did to you. It's astounding, jaw-dropping and makes one so incredulous. What's worse is when people believe them. The cool part about that is that truth is always truth and lies remain lies. Lies will always be found out because the liar is too stupid to remember to cover all of their tracks! Okay - I need a more happy topic for today. How bout the fact that it is gorgeous outside, I'm 3 days post-op and I feel pretty good. I'm feeling about 85% better today. I felt like I was only 55% human the day of surgery, 65% the day after, maybe 70% yesterday but am feeling really great today. I'm hoping to continue a speedy recovery and avoid too many complications. The one I'm dealing with should resolve in another day or two. I can always got back to the doctor to help me with that tomorrow or Tuesday. I think I'm going to be fine. One of the things that has helped me the most in dealing with emotional trauma is trying to maintain a positive attitude. Attitude is everything. Sure, give yourself time to grieve and accept bad feelings when they arise but don't start beating yourself up where nada or fada left off. If you are kind and loving with yourself with every thought and every deed, recovery is a heart beat away. Much love Em! Jaie > > Jaie Hi! > > OMG! I was at an all day training yesterday so no email time. > You must forgive me - I had no idea you had a surgery (until I had a moment and > read more, but of course then I was running out all day). > I just hope you are doing well! > I can tell you are a person much better off with " something to do " and that's > why I'm super glad you can " do " > > even when you're not at your best (obviously you must feel side effects from > your surgery!). > > Damn are you " spot on " woman! I can't begin to explain how f-ing helpful it is > to read ever word you write! > And what you're saying below is as if you are actually able to tap into my own > brain! Thus the swear words! > Swear words of joy! > > It's uncanny how the nada is just in the DNA and we want to answer it's nasty > call and we whine to ourselves when > we are down because we just cannot get it through our thick heads that these > bitches just suck. Sorry but I must just > let it rip here. Fuck her. Don't share any of your pain with her. Tell her > nothing ever again. I know you are nc right? > Now it's your time, no excuses. Heal. Quite your mind, heal, do, let your body > do it's good work. Shut the mind down > if it won't stop (let me know if you learn how tee,hee). > > You are so inspirational to me! You have me beat in the kid dept. (I mean # of > kids) I want more, more, more, but God's plan > is for just the one little daughter (for now). I want more so badly, but I > cannot adopt older kids right now and must get my > work life in order before proceeding to force the issue with my husband. > > I bring this up because I can tell with you/your adult daughter, you have what I > have always dreamed of in a mother/daughter relationship. > Every single word you write about her sounds as if she " is " what is in your > beautiful heart. You damn well deserve it too. Let her do a bit > of caring please! It will make her feel good! It's really, really tough to do I > know! But it's good for both of ya'll! She sounds like such a > > peach! My daughter is 3 (about to turn 4) and there is nothing on earth more > sacred than the gift of a daughter. (Sorry I don't have a son - > no offense in anyway to boys/men I am not a male hater). > > This is why I say Holy Shit when I read what you've written below. I am like a > psycho wild animal if someone even begins to try to hurt, > insult, act with bad manners in front of my daughter etc.. This is why you are > an excellent mother yourself right? Because you will do > > anything to insure your daughter have the abundance of " love " she needs to be > who she is. But your own nada mom is exactly like mine. > The Fucking bitch from hell. > I won't apologize. I know it's an illness but it does not entitle them to do > this nasty shit. It doesn't entitle your nada to have you having a > > " free ticket " to be subhuman to the point you have to feel overwhelming > emotional anguish because you want her so bad but she isn't going > to be there no matter what. > You deserve to be able to share your pain after a surgery she herself had and > could probably help you with. > > But she sucks and instead you are not going to be able to have her tell you how > it was for her. It's not right that you even feel the emotion. > Our mom's won't ever help us. > > So fuck them! Really. But this is the most important thing to remember. WE > DON'T GET ONE. > > Every girl you've grown up being jealous of because they had a REAL MOM is what > to let go of. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ONE. > > I DON'T GET A MOM. > YOU DON'T GET A MOM. > WE DON'T GET ONE. > It's just what is. But for me, I cannot seem to do it. I cannot accept it. > You are doing the same with the " silver lining seeking " crap. I do it > constantly. > But YOU GET TO BE A MOM! And you sure don't have to look for a silver lining > there! Your daughter is shining bright 100x over! > I GET TO BE A MOM! The best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire > life on this earth, I cherish every single moment. > > Let's just swear our heads off (sorry I try to curb it and I'm not some foul > mouthed hussie normally) and thank THE GOOD LORD FOR OUR DAUGHTERS! > My nada is never, ever, ever, going to fuck my kid up. Never. It's painful. > It's disturbing. But it is reality. Having the gift of a daughter has made me > learn that > I DON'T GET ONE and I GOTTA GET OVER IT because being a mom is my gift and I > need to LOVE myself. > > I can't beg you not to wish you had a mom but I will beg you (I know you know > this) to keep up the good work! You're excellent! > > You are a FIRE HORSE! > I read you were born in 66 bc I took time to read some of your lovely writing > etc.. and I think it was in an email address or something (don't recall). > I was born 9-9-66 weird date eh? I've only read this once and haven't really > found it any place else but we are called FIRE HORSE'S due to our birthyear > (I think that's why). Anyway, just the image of a strong, determined, beautiful > horse running through life is enough for me! But when I saw the > > term FIREHORSE this sent me into imagery heaven! > > So I think of my FIREHORSE running through fields of flames fearlessly > conquering the flames whenever the nasty flames of negativity, nada crap, > > and other toxic flames burn my ass. My horse makes it and everyone else can eat > dust! tee,hee! > > > So please do call your FIREHORSE out and get better woman! I'm sure you must > feel like well, I have not a clue, I cannot imagine. > > But I can wager a bet you're probably up and about! > I don't even know you but I know you're up! What's stupid about pain killers is > that they are so damn fun! I listen to the doctors when they say take em > > before the pain starts? But then the problem is two fold, I barf within mins > and can't take another or if I manage to keep to f-ing thing down, I get so > crazy > > hyper It would take a MacTruck to get me to shut up and stop cleaning the house > and calling everyone I know on God's green earth! > Do you have this going on? > If so don't do it! Let your daughter do for you! Take a chill pill after you > get your prescribed exercise. You know the drill! Don't sit but don't do too > much! > Sorry to lecture! I ruptured and almost bled to death " doing " housework etc.. > after a (non cancer related) surgery to my cervix. Boy did I feel like a dumb > ass, > filling pad after pad after pad until finally I realized I better get back in > there. Ugh. BTW - it was not that bad to get it stopped but I was lucky and > should have > listened to them about not lifting not moving too fast etc.. > > No more preaching here. Sorry for my swears, It's just not fare that the other > girls get moms who aren't evil and they get moms who don't have ulterior > motives hidden behind every step they take. > NOPE OUR BITCHES ARE FUCKING SUBTERRANEAN COVERT SCORPION STINGING MOFO'S! (if > you're scorpio nothing negative meant here, plenty of wonderful scorpio friends > and much love from them in my life) > But guess what? That's why we're FIREHORSES! The bitches better move on over > or get flamed! tee,hee > > I'm apologizing again, but truly I do want to say my manners are on the prim > side. I don't like swears outside of the home. Sounds like > a double standard but I swear at home, I swear sometimes with friends but I > never swear in public. So far my kid gets it. She does not swear > yet, but she will I'm sure. So what. I'm teaching her about keeping it in our > home only. Maybe not the best way to be - but tough. My rule. > When I swear in front of her I tell her " my bad " and apologize. When she's > older I'll tell her about no swearing out of the home. And no > calling anyone swear words in the home either! tee,hee > > Get better, thanks so much for being a great person! Get yourself something! > You helped me so much (about 4 days ago now). One day I'll get into > explaining just where I was that night I wrote the desperate letter and you > answered! (No I wasn't suicidal, I wouldn't do that to my kid). I just want > to tell you that it is a miracle we can find other people who have the ability > to know what having a nada is like. You know how empty it was before > the day we found that BPD is why our lives were so incredibly difficult and how > lonely it is to live in this secret pain. God is it liberating to find > the light! Yeeee haaaa! > > Better go get breakfast now! BTW - feel better! Get hugs (carefully), cry, > feel the pain, remember you're a Firehorse, run the prairie woman! > laugh but don't bust a gut! > > Peace, Joy, Warm Wishes, Careful Hugs, and Much Love (from a sister you don't > know but sharing BPD pain is still a form of love!), > EM > > > > > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Thu, January 20, 2011 7:31:00 PM > Subject: Sometimes... > > > Even though I've gone NC with nada...there are times I so wish I had a mother. > I underwent a hysterectomy today and this is something my nada has been through. > I wish she could have been there or at least on the phone to help me through it. > But I realize that the thoughts and emotional reactions I'm having are no > different than a woman who has lost her mother. I keep telling myself this to > keep it in perspective. The reality is, she'd probably say something like, > " it's your fault your uterus was malfunctioning because you had too da@! many > kids. " So yeah, I don't need that and I'm recuperating at home with the help of > friends just fine. My oldest daughter is with me and I'm doing my absolute best > not to impose on her too much because I just refuse to be a burden. But I'm so > lucky that I have her here, that I have a good relationship with her and that > she loves me as much as I love her. > > These thoughts I'm having are just amazing. I think of my oldest daughter, she > doesn't always do the things that I think she should but I see her, the person > she really is on the inside and she's really a beautiful soul. I would never > imagine trying to tear that apart for any reason. I told her that if I get too > old to take care of myself, put me in a home...if I get senile or abusive with > her in any way, don't take it not one bit of it. Set healthy boundaries even > with family and know that no matter what I love you so much!!!!!! > > My children are such amazing souls. I could not imagine trying to manipulate > them to make them demonstrate their love for me on my terms. No matter what > they do, they love me and I know that I so would never berate them for not > calling, not funding my lifestyle or not doing things for me. I cannot fathom > that not one bit. But, I am NOW emotionally healthy. My nada feels entitlement > to all of those things from me and I am evil and mean as well as hurtful if I > don't give into her demands. I'm never allowed to love her on my terms (my > terms are not good enough), only her terms. So unfortunate! > > Something really important - other people's actions are just not about you - NO > MATTER WHAT. Other people's actions and words are about them. Think about it > this way...when you've had a bad day or not enough sleep and you feel > crabby...if you SNAP at someone your SNAPPING is about you and not about them. > So NADA snapping and insulting is NOT about me. It's about her. This one thing > is a huge key to healing all of these feelings about a nada/fada with bpd. > > Back to my original thought (sorry for the wandering - pain meds do that to > me...LOL), My " missing " nada is not really missing my nada. It's missing having > a loving mother in my life and it's heightened by what I'm going through. It > would be nice to have a mother to help me, be there for me in times like these. > But, I don't have that. Being the silver-lining seeker I always am...what I do > have is a lot of truly amazing friends that are loving, kind and helpful. They > are like family. I have had so many offers of help while I'm recuperating it > just makes me want to cry...but only happy tears. It's love. Despite how I > grew up...I can love, I can feel love and I can receive love. That is no small > miracle! > > Just wanted to share. > > Blessings to all. > > Jaie > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 (((((((Em)))))))) I am up and around but taking it easy. Mostly hanging out on the couch and playing on the computer. I did walk to the store today, very slowly. LOL It felt good to be outside in the sunshine. My daughter has been totally awesome. I got up this morning and she was getting ready for work. She made me some coffee. I'm so lucky to have her and she's been such a big help. I loved your line " swears of joy. " OMG! That was priceless and I so understand what you mean. I so appreciate your supportive words and to have an opportunity to share and exchange ideas here. We've had it tough but there is a way out. I'm totally NC with nada. That will probably never change but its what I need for me to be healthy so, it is what it is. Today, I'm really good and not thinking about missing a mom. When I really need a mother - I do imagine there is this tall beautiful and kind woman standing there and I ask her for advice and I hear her kind loving words in support of me and every step I take. It's me parenting me but who cares, it works. I didn't get that kind of mom this time around but I can be that mom. Something I take great pleasure in. Doesn't it feel good when you can be the wonderful things to your children that your nada could not be to you? It's kind of like, in spite of your horrid abuse, I broke the cycle and my children are admired, respected and so loved. I won't perpetuate the family disease and dysfunction of verbal abuse! I refuse to participate in that. My nada hates me and told me I need to just rot in hell for all of the unforgiveable things I've done to her. All I did was stop her from abusing me and my kids by kicking her out and filing a restraining order to protect us. I never attacked her. The last few times we spoke, she threw these stories at me of things I've done to her that just never happened. I explained that I was there and have a completely different story, how could it be that she tells this tale of things that happened that she worked herself up to a froth over and I was there and nothing of the sort happened. She would just get mad and hang up on me. I quit giving her any leeway on the distortions she made up in her mind. I didn't argue and didn't even raise my voice even though I could feel her frothing at the mouth. She had to vilify me in order to feel okay about what she did to me. I went through that with the NPD exhusband too. I knew none of the things either of them said were true so didn't need to react. I just withdrew and cut them off. I have a wonderful life now that is filled with healthy and loving relationships and friendships and they still scream from the mountain tops how I abused them. its scary how they use me to extract sympathy to manipulate others. Its chilling the lengths BPD and NPD will go to. I never attacked either of them, I just defended and went silent. Something I've noticed is that if you don't love an NPD or BPD exactly on their terms, they will throw a temper tantrum like spoiled brats and lie to others to extract sympathy to vilify you for doing the things to them that they actually did to you. It's astounding, jaw-dropping and makes one so incredulous. What's worse is when people believe them. The cool part about that is that truth is always truth and lies remain lies. Lies will always be found out because the liar is too stupid to remember to cover all of their tracks! Okay - I need a more happy topic for today. How bout the fact that it is gorgeous outside, I'm 3 days post-op and I feel pretty good. I'm feeling about 85% better today. I felt like I was only 55% human the day of surgery, 65% the day after, maybe 70% yesterday but am feeling really great today. I'm hoping to continue a speedy recovery and avoid too many complications. The one I'm dealing with should resolve in another day or two. I can always got back to the doctor to help me with that tomorrow or Tuesday. I think I'm going to be fine. One of the things that has helped me the most in dealing with emotional trauma is trying to maintain a positive attitude. Attitude is everything. Sure, give yourself time to grieve and accept bad feelings when they arise but don't start beating yourself up where nada or fada left off. If you are kind and loving with yourself with every thought and every deed, recovery is a heart beat away. Much love Em! Jaie > > Jaie Hi! > > OMG! I was at an all day training yesterday so no email time. > You must forgive me - I had no idea you had a surgery (until I had a moment and > read more, but of course then I was running out all day). > I just hope you are doing well! > I can tell you are a person much better off with " something to do " and that's > why I'm super glad you can " do " > > even when you're not at your best (obviously you must feel side effects from > your surgery!). > > Damn are you " spot on " woman! I can't begin to explain how f-ing helpful it is > to read ever word you write! > And what you're saying below is as if you are actually able to tap into my own > brain! Thus the swear words! > Swear words of joy! > > It's uncanny how the nada is just in the DNA and we want to answer it's nasty > call and we whine to ourselves when > we are down because we just cannot get it through our thick heads that these > bitches just suck. Sorry but I must just > let it rip here. Fuck her. Don't share any of your pain with her. Tell her > nothing ever again. I know you are nc right? > Now it's your time, no excuses. Heal. Quite your mind, heal, do, let your body > do it's good work. Shut the mind down > if it won't stop (let me know if you learn how tee,hee). > > You are so inspirational to me! You have me beat in the kid dept. (I mean # of > kids) I want more, more, more, but God's plan > is for just the one little daughter (for now). I want more so badly, but I > cannot adopt older kids right now and must get my > work life in order before proceeding to force the issue with my husband. > > I bring this up because I can tell with you/your adult daughter, you have what I > have always dreamed of in a mother/daughter relationship. > Every single word you write about her sounds as if she " is " what is in your > beautiful heart. You damn well deserve it too. Let her do a bit > of caring please! It will make her feel good! It's really, really tough to do I > know! But it's good for both of ya'll! She sounds like such a > > peach! My daughter is 3 (about to turn 4) and there is nothing on earth more > sacred than the gift of a daughter. (Sorry I don't have a son - > no offense in anyway to boys/men I am not a male hater). > > This is why I say Holy Shit when I read what you've written below. I am like a > psycho wild animal if someone even begins to try to hurt, > insult, act with bad manners in front of my daughter etc.. This is why you are > an excellent mother yourself right? Because you will do > > anything to insure your daughter have the abundance of " love " she needs to be > who she is. But your own nada mom is exactly like mine. > The Fucking bitch from hell. > I won't apologize. I know it's an illness but it does not entitle them to do > this nasty shit. It doesn't entitle your nada to have you having a > > " free ticket " to be subhuman to the point you have to feel overwhelming > emotional anguish because you want her so bad but she isn't going > to be there no matter what. > You deserve to be able to share your pain after a surgery she herself had and > could probably help you with. > > But she sucks and instead you are not going to be able to have her tell you how > it was for her. It's not right that you even feel the emotion. > Our mom's won't ever help us. > > So fuck them! Really. But this is the most important thing to remember. WE > DON'T GET ONE. > > Every girl you've grown up being jealous of because they had a REAL MOM is what > to let go of. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ONE. > > I DON'T GET A MOM. > YOU DON'T GET A MOM. > WE DON'T GET ONE. > It's just what is. But for me, I cannot seem to do it. I cannot accept it. > You are doing the same with the " silver lining seeking " crap. I do it > constantly. > But YOU GET TO BE A MOM! And you sure don't have to look for a silver lining > there! Your daughter is shining bright 100x over! > I GET TO BE A MOM! The best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire > life on this earth, I cherish every single moment. > > Let's just swear our heads off (sorry I try to curb it and I'm not some foul > mouthed hussie normally) and thank THE GOOD LORD FOR OUR DAUGHTERS! > My nada is never, ever, ever, going to fuck my kid up. Never. It's painful. > It's disturbing. But it is reality. Having the gift of a daughter has made me > learn that > I DON'T GET ONE and I GOTTA GET OVER IT because being a mom is my gift and I > need to LOVE myself. > > I can't beg you not to wish you had a mom but I will beg you (I know you know > this) to keep up the good work! You're excellent! > > You are a FIRE HORSE! > I read you were born in 66 bc I took time to read some of your lovely writing > etc.. and I think it was in an email address or something (don't recall). > I was born 9-9-66 weird date eh? I've only read this once and haven't really > found it any place else but we are called FIRE HORSE'S due to our birthyear > (I think that's why). Anyway, just the image of a strong, determined, beautiful > horse running through life is enough for me! But when I saw the > > term FIREHORSE this sent me into imagery heaven! > > So I think of my FIREHORSE running through fields of flames fearlessly > conquering the flames whenever the nasty flames of negativity, nada crap, > > and other toxic flames burn my ass. My horse makes it and everyone else can eat > dust! tee,hee! > > > So please do call your FIREHORSE out and get better woman! I'm sure you must > feel like well, I have not a clue, I cannot imagine. > > But I can wager a bet you're probably up and about! > I don't even know you but I know you're up! What's stupid about pain killers is > that they are so damn fun! I listen to the doctors when they say take em > > before the pain starts? But then the problem is two fold, I barf within mins > and can't take another or if I manage to keep to f-ing thing down, I get so > crazy > > hyper It would take a MacTruck to get me to shut up and stop cleaning the house > and calling everyone I know on God's green earth! > Do you have this going on? > If so don't do it! Let your daughter do for you! Take a chill pill after you > get your prescribed exercise. You know the drill! Don't sit but don't do too > much! > Sorry to lecture! I ruptured and almost bled to death " doing " housework etc.. > after a (non cancer related) surgery to my cervix. Boy did I feel like a dumb > ass, > filling pad after pad after pad until finally I realized I better get back in > there. Ugh. BTW - it was not that bad to get it stopped but I was lucky and > should have > listened to them about not lifting not moving too fast etc.. > > No more preaching here. Sorry for my swears, It's just not fare that the other > girls get moms who aren't evil and they get moms who don't have ulterior > motives hidden behind every step they take. > NOPE OUR BITCHES ARE FUCKING SUBTERRANEAN COVERT SCORPION STINGING MOFO'S! (if > you're scorpio nothing negative meant here, plenty of wonderful scorpio friends > and much love from them in my life) > But guess what? That's why we're FIREHORSES! The bitches better move on over > or get flamed! tee,hee > > I'm apologizing again, but truly I do want to say my manners are on the prim > side. I don't like swears outside of the home. Sounds like > a double standard but I swear at home, I swear sometimes with friends but I > never swear in public. So far my kid gets it. She does not swear > yet, but she will I'm sure. So what. I'm teaching her about keeping it in our > home only. Maybe not the best way to be - but tough. My rule. > When I swear in front of her I tell her " my bad " and apologize. When she's > older I'll tell her about no swearing out of the home. And no > calling anyone swear words in the home either! tee,hee > > Get better, thanks so much for being a great person! Get yourself something! > You helped me so much (about 4 days ago now). One day I'll get into > explaining just where I was that night I wrote the desperate letter and you > answered! (No I wasn't suicidal, I wouldn't do that to my kid). I just want > to tell you that it is a miracle we can find other people who have the ability > to know what having a nada is like. You know how empty it was before > the day we found that BPD is why our lives were so incredibly difficult and how > lonely it is to live in this secret pain. God is it liberating to find > the light! Yeeee haaaa! > > Better go get breakfast now! BTW - feel better! Get hugs (carefully), cry, > feel the pain, remember you're a Firehorse, run the prairie woman! > laugh but don't bust a gut! > > Peace, Joy, Warm Wishes, Careful Hugs, and Much Love (from a sister you don't > know but sharing BPD pain is still a form of love!), > EM > > > > > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Thu, January 20, 2011 7:31:00 PM > Subject: Sometimes... > > > Even though I've gone NC with nada...there are times I so wish I had a mother. > I underwent a hysterectomy today and this is something my nada has been through. > I wish she could have been there or at least on the phone to help me through it. > But I realize that the thoughts and emotional reactions I'm having are no > different than a woman who has lost her mother. I keep telling myself this to > keep it in perspective. The reality is, she'd probably say something like, > " it's your fault your uterus was malfunctioning because you had too da@! many > kids. " So yeah, I don't need that and I'm recuperating at home with the help of > friends just fine. My oldest daughter is with me and I'm doing my absolute best > not to impose on her too much because I just refuse to be a burden. But I'm so > lucky that I have her here, that I have a good relationship with her and that > she loves me as much as I love her. > > These thoughts I'm having are just amazing. I think of my oldest daughter, she > doesn't always do the things that I think she should but I see her, the person > she really is on the inside and she's really a beautiful soul. I would never > imagine trying to tear that apart for any reason. I told her that if I get too > old to take care of myself, put me in a home...if I get senile or abusive with > her in any way, don't take it not one bit of it. Set healthy boundaries even > with family and know that no matter what I love you so much!!!!!! > > My children are such amazing souls. I could not imagine trying to manipulate > them to make them demonstrate their love for me on my terms. No matter what > they do, they love me and I know that I so would never berate them for not > calling, not funding my lifestyle or not doing things for me. I cannot fathom > that not one bit. But, I am NOW emotionally healthy. My nada feels entitlement > to all of those things from me and I am evil and mean as well as hurtful if I > don't give into her demands. I'm never allowed to love her on my terms (my > terms are not good enough), only her terms. So unfortunate! > > Something really important - other people's actions are just not about you - NO > MATTER WHAT. Other people's actions and words are about them. Think about it > this way...when you've had a bad day or not enough sleep and you feel > crabby...if you SNAP at someone your SNAPPING is about you and not about them. > So NADA snapping and insulting is NOT about me. It's about her. This one thing > is a huge key to healing all of these feelings about a nada/fada with bpd. > > Back to my original thought (sorry for the wandering - pain meds do that to > me...LOL), My " missing " nada is not really missing my nada. It's missing having > a loving mother in my life and it's heightened by what I'm going through. It > would be nice to have a mother to help me, be there for me in times like these. > But, I don't have that. Being the silver-lining seeker I always am...what I do > have is a lot of truly amazing friends that are loving, kind and helpful. They > are like family. I have had so many offers of help while I'm recuperating it > just makes me want to cry...but only happy tears. It's love. Despite how I > grew up...I can love, I can feel love and I can receive love. That is no small > miracle! > > Just wanted to share. > > Blessings to all. > > Jaie > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 (((((((Em)))))))) I am up and around but taking it easy. Mostly hanging out on the couch and playing on the computer. I did walk to the store today, very slowly. LOL It felt good to be outside in the sunshine. My daughter has been totally awesome. I got up this morning and she was getting ready for work. She made me some coffee. I'm so lucky to have her and she's been such a big help. I loved your line " swears of joy. " OMG! That was priceless and I so understand what you mean. I so appreciate your supportive words and to have an opportunity to share and exchange ideas here. We've had it tough but there is a way out. I'm totally NC with nada. That will probably never change but its what I need for me to be healthy so, it is what it is. Today, I'm really good and not thinking about missing a mom. When I really need a mother - I do imagine there is this tall beautiful and kind woman standing there and I ask her for advice and I hear her kind loving words in support of me and every step I take. It's me parenting me but who cares, it works. I didn't get that kind of mom this time around but I can be that mom. Something I take great pleasure in. Doesn't it feel good when you can be the wonderful things to your children that your nada could not be to you? It's kind of like, in spite of your horrid abuse, I broke the cycle and my children are admired, respected and so loved. I won't perpetuate the family disease and dysfunction of verbal abuse! I refuse to participate in that. My nada hates me and told me I need to just rot in hell for all of the unforgiveable things I've done to her. All I did was stop her from abusing me and my kids by kicking her out and filing a restraining order to protect us. I never attacked her. The last few times we spoke, she threw these stories at me of things I've done to her that just never happened. I explained that I was there and have a completely different story, how could it be that she tells this tale of things that happened that she worked herself up to a froth over and I was there and nothing of the sort happened. She would just get mad and hang up on me. I quit giving her any leeway on the distortions she made up in her mind. I didn't argue and didn't even raise my voice even though I could feel her frothing at the mouth. She had to vilify me in order to feel okay about what she did to me. I went through that with the NPD exhusband too. I knew none of the things either of them said were true so didn't need to react. I just withdrew and cut them off. I have a wonderful life now that is filled with healthy and loving relationships and friendships and they still scream from the mountain tops how I abused them. its scary how they use me to extract sympathy to manipulate others. Its chilling the lengths BPD and NPD will go to. I never attacked either of them, I just defended and went silent. Something I've noticed is that if you don't love an NPD or BPD exactly on their terms, they will throw a temper tantrum like spoiled brats and lie to others to extract sympathy to vilify you for doing the things to them that they actually did to you. It's astounding, jaw-dropping and makes one so incredulous. What's worse is when people believe them. The cool part about that is that truth is always truth and lies remain lies. Lies will always be found out because the liar is too stupid to remember to cover all of their tracks! Okay - I need a more happy topic for today. How bout the fact that it is gorgeous outside, I'm 3 days post-op and I feel pretty good. I'm feeling about 85% better today. I felt like I was only 55% human the day of surgery, 65% the day after, maybe 70% yesterday but am feeling really great today. I'm hoping to continue a speedy recovery and avoid too many complications. The one I'm dealing with should resolve in another day or two. I can always got back to the doctor to help me with that tomorrow or Tuesday. I think I'm going to be fine. One of the things that has helped me the most in dealing with emotional trauma is trying to maintain a positive attitude. Attitude is everything. Sure, give yourself time to grieve and accept bad feelings when they arise but don't start beating yourself up where nada or fada left off. If you are kind and loving with yourself with every thought and every deed, recovery is a heart beat away. Much love Em! Jaie > > Jaie Hi! > > OMG! I was at an all day training yesterday so no email time. > You must forgive me - I had no idea you had a surgery (until I had a moment and > read more, but of course then I was running out all day). > I just hope you are doing well! > I can tell you are a person much better off with " something to do " and that's > why I'm super glad you can " do " > > even when you're not at your best (obviously you must feel side effects from > your surgery!). > > Damn are you " spot on " woman! I can't begin to explain how f-ing helpful it is > to read ever word you write! > And what you're saying below is as if you are actually able to tap into my own > brain! Thus the swear words! > Swear words of joy! > > It's uncanny how the nada is just in the DNA and we want to answer it's nasty > call and we whine to ourselves when > we are down because we just cannot get it through our thick heads that these > bitches just suck. Sorry but I must just > let it rip here. Fuck her. Don't share any of your pain with her. Tell her > nothing ever again. I know you are nc right? > Now it's your time, no excuses. Heal. Quite your mind, heal, do, let your body > do it's good work. Shut the mind down > if it won't stop (let me know if you learn how tee,hee). > > You are so inspirational to me! You have me beat in the kid dept. (I mean # of > kids) I want more, more, more, but God's plan > is for just the one little daughter (for now). I want more so badly, but I > cannot adopt older kids right now and must get my > work life in order before proceeding to force the issue with my husband. > > I bring this up because I can tell with you/your adult daughter, you have what I > have always dreamed of in a mother/daughter relationship. > Every single word you write about her sounds as if she " is " what is in your > beautiful heart. You damn well deserve it too. Let her do a bit > of caring please! It will make her feel good! It's really, really tough to do I > know! But it's good for both of ya'll! She sounds like such a > > peach! My daughter is 3 (about to turn 4) and there is nothing on earth more > sacred than the gift of a daughter. (Sorry I don't have a son - > no offense in anyway to boys/men I am not a male hater). > > This is why I say Holy Shit when I read what you've written below. I am like a > psycho wild animal if someone even begins to try to hurt, > insult, act with bad manners in front of my daughter etc.. This is why you are > an excellent mother yourself right? Because you will do > > anything to insure your daughter have the abundance of " love " she needs to be > who she is. But your own nada mom is exactly like mine. > The Fucking bitch from hell. > I won't apologize. I know it's an illness but it does not entitle them to do > this nasty shit. It doesn't entitle your nada to have you having a > > " free ticket " to be subhuman to the point you have to feel overwhelming > emotional anguish because you want her so bad but she isn't going > to be there no matter what. > You deserve to be able to share your pain after a surgery she herself had and > could probably help you with. > > But she sucks and instead you are not going to be able to have her tell you how > it was for her. It's not right that you even feel the emotion. > Our mom's won't ever help us. > > So fuck them! Really. But this is the most important thing to remember. WE > DON'T GET ONE. > > Every girl you've grown up being jealous of because they had a REAL MOM is what > to let go of. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ONE. > > I DON'T GET A MOM. > YOU DON'T GET A MOM. > WE DON'T GET ONE. > It's just what is. But for me, I cannot seem to do it. I cannot accept it. > You are doing the same with the " silver lining seeking " crap. I do it > constantly. > But YOU GET TO BE A MOM! And you sure don't have to look for a silver lining > there! Your daughter is shining bright 100x over! > I GET TO BE A MOM! The best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire > life on this earth, I cherish every single moment. > > Let's just swear our heads off (sorry I try to curb it and I'm not some foul > mouthed hussie normally) and thank THE GOOD LORD FOR OUR DAUGHTERS! > My nada is never, ever, ever, going to fuck my kid up. Never. It's painful. > It's disturbing. But it is reality. Having the gift of a daughter has made me > learn that > I DON'T GET ONE and I GOTTA GET OVER IT because being a mom is my gift and I > need to LOVE myself. > > I can't beg you not to wish you had a mom but I will beg you (I know you know > this) to keep up the good work! You're excellent! > > You are a FIRE HORSE! > I read you were born in 66 bc I took time to read some of your lovely writing > etc.. and I think it was in an email address or something (don't recall). > I was born 9-9-66 weird date eh? I've only read this once and haven't really > found it any place else but we are called FIRE HORSE'S due to our birthyear > (I think that's why). Anyway, just the image of a strong, determined, beautiful > horse running through life is enough for me! But when I saw the > > term FIREHORSE this sent me into imagery heaven! > > So I think of my FIREHORSE running through fields of flames fearlessly > conquering the flames whenever the nasty flames of negativity, nada crap, > > and other toxic flames burn my ass. My horse makes it and everyone else can eat > dust! tee,hee! > > > So please do call your FIREHORSE out and get better woman! I'm sure you must > feel like well, I have not a clue, I cannot imagine. > > But I can wager a bet you're probably up and about! > I don't even know you but I know you're up! What's stupid about pain killers is > that they are so damn fun! I listen to the doctors when they say take em > > before the pain starts? But then the problem is two fold, I barf within mins > and can't take another or if I manage to keep to f-ing thing down, I get so > crazy > > hyper It would take a MacTruck to get me to shut up and stop cleaning the house > and calling everyone I know on God's green earth! > Do you have this going on? > If so don't do it! Let your daughter do for you! Take a chill pill after you > get your prescribed exercise. You know the drill! Don't sit but don't do too > much! > Sorry to lecture! I ruptured and almost bled to death " doing " housework etc.. > after a (non cancer related) surgery to my cervix. Boy did I feel like a dumb > ass, > filling pad after pad after pad until finally I realized I better get back in > there. Ugh. BTW - it was not that bad to get it stopped but I was lucky and > should have > listened to them about not lifting not moving too fast etc.. > > No more preaching here. Sorry for my swears, It's just not fare that the other > girls get moms who aren't evil and they get moms who don't have ulterior > motives hidden behind every step they take. > NOPE OUR BITCHES ARE FUCKING SUBTERRANEAN COVERT SCORPION STINGING MOFO'S! (if > you're scorpio nothing negative meant here, plenty of wonderful scorpio friends > and much love from them in my life) > But guess what? That's why we're FIREHORSES! The bitches better move on over > or get flamed! tee,hee > > I'm apologizing again, but truly I do want to say my manners are on the prim > side. I don't like swears outside of the home. Sounds like > a double standard but I swear at home, I swear sometimes with friends but I > never swear in public. So far my kid gets it. She does not swear > yet, but she will I'm sure. So what. I'm teaching her about keeping it in our > home only. Maybe not the best way to be - but tough. My rule. > When I swear in front of her I tell her " my bad " and apologize. When she's > older I'll tell her about no swearing out of the home. And no > calling anyone swear words in the home either! tee,hee > > Get better, thanks so much for being a great person! Get yourself something! > You helped me so much (about 4 days ago now). One day I'll get into > explaining just where I was that night I wrote the desperate letter and you > answered! (No I wasn't suicidal, I wouldn't do that to my kid). I just want > to tell you that it is a miracle we can find other people who have the ability > to know what having a nada is like. You know how empty it was before > the day we found that BPD is why our lives were so incredibly difficult and how > lonely it is to live in this secret pain. God is it liberating to find > the light! Yeeee haaaa! > > Better go get breakfast now! BTW - feel better! Get hugs (carefully), cry, > feel the pain, remember you're a Firehorse, run the prairie woman! > laugh but don't bust a gut! > > Peace, Joy, Warm Wishes, Careful Hugs, and Much Love (from a sister you don't > know but sharing BPD pain is still a form of love!), > EM > > > > > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Thu, January 20, 2011 7:31:00 PM > Subject: Sometimes... > > > Even though I've gone NC with nada...there are times I so wish I had a mother. > I underwent a hysterectomy today and this is something my nada has been through. > I wish she could have been there or at least on the phone to help me through it. > But I realize that the thoughts and emotional reactions I'm having are no > different than a woman who has lost her mother. I keep telling myself this to > keep it in perspective. The reality is, she'd probably say something like, > " it's your fault your uterus was malfunctioning because you had too da@! many > kids. " So yeah, I don't need that and I'm recuperating at home with the help of > friends just fine. My oldest daughter is with me and I'm doing my absolute best > not to impose on her too much because I just refuse to be a burden. But I'm so > lucky that I have her here, that I have a good relationship with her and that > she loves me as much as I love her. > > These thoughts I'm having are just amazing. I think of my oldest daughter, she > doesn't always do the things that I think she should but I see her, the person > she really is on the inside and she's really a beautiful soul. I would never > imagine trying to tear that apart for any reason. I told her that if I get too > old to take care of myself, put me in a home...if I get senile or abusive with > her in any way, don't take it not one bit of it. Set healthy boundaries even > with family and know that no matter what I love you so much!!!!!! > > My children are such amazing souls. I could not imagine trying to manipulate > them to make them demonstrate their love for me on my terms. No matter what > they do, they love me and I know that I so would never berate them for not > calling, not funding my lifestyle or not doing things for me. I cannot fathom > that not one bit. But, I am NOW emotionally healthy. My nada feels entitlement > to all of those things from me and I am evil and mean as well as hurtful if I > don't give into her demands. I'm never allowed to love her on my terms (my > terms are not good enough), only her terms. So unfortunate! > > Something really important - other people's actions are just not about you - NO > MATTER WHAT. Other people's actions and words are about them. Think about it > this way...when you've had a bad day or not enough sleep and you feel > crabby...if you SNAP at someone your SNAPPING is about you and not about them. > So NADA snapping and insulting is NOT about me. It's about her. This one thing > is a huge key to healing all of these feelings about a nada/fada with bpd. > > Back to my original thought (sorry for the wandering - pain meds do that to > me...LOL), My " missing " nada is not really missing my nada. It's missing having > a loving mother in my life and it's heightened by what I'm going through. It > would be nice to have a mother to help me, be there for me in times like these. > But, I don't have that. Being the silver-lining seeker I always am...what I do > have is a lot of truly amazing friends that are loving, kind and helpful. They > are like family. I have had so many offers of help while I'm recuperating it > just makes me want to cry...but only happy tears. It's love. Despite how I > grew up...I can love, I can feel love and I can receive love. That is no small > miracle! > > Just wanted to share. > > Blessings to all. > > Jaie > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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