Sometimes...

[Guest guest]

Even though I've gone NC with nada...there are times I so wish I had a mother.

I underwent a hysterectomy today and this is something my nada has been through.

I wish she could have been there or at least on the phone to help me through it.

But I realize that the thoughts and emotional reactions I'm having are no

different than a woman who has lost her mother. I keep telling myself this to

keep it in perspective. The reality is, she'd probably say something like,

" it's your fault your uterus was malfunctioning because you had too da@! many

kids. " So yeah, I don't need that and I'm recuperating at home with the help of

friends just fine. My oldest daughter is with me and I'm doing my absolute best

not to impose on her too much because I just refuse to be a burden. But I'm so

lucky that I have her here, that I have a good relationship with her and that

she loves me as much as I love her.

These thoughts I'm having are just amazing. I think of my oldest daughter, she

doesn't always do the things that I think she should but I see her, the person

she really is on the inside and she's really a beautiful soul. I would never

imagine trying to tear that apart for any reason. I told her that if I get too

old to take care of myself, put me in a home...if I get senile or abusive with

her in any way, don't take it not one bit of it. Set healthy boundaries even

with family and know that no matter what I love you so much!!!!!!

My children are such amazing souls. I could not imagine trying to manipulate

them to make them demonstrate their love for me on my terms. No matter what

they do, they love me and I know that I so would never berate them for not

calling, not funding my lifestyle or not doing things for me. I cannot fathom

that not one bit. But, I am NOW emotionally healthy. My nada feels entitlement

to all of those things from me and I am evil and mean as well as hurtful if I

don't give into her demands. I'm never allowed to love her on my terms (my

terms are not good enough), only her terms. So unfortunate!

Something really important - other people's actions are just not about you - NO

MATTER WHAT. Other people's actions and words are about them. Think about it

this way...when you've had a bad day or not enough sleep and you feel

crabby...if you SNAP at someone your SNAPPING is about you and not about them.

So NADA snapping and insulting is NOT about me. It's about her. This one thing

is a huge key to healing all of these feelings about a nada/fada with bpd.

Back to my original thought (sorry for the wandering - pain meds do that to

me...LOL), My " missing " nada is not really missing my nada. It's missing having

a loving mother in my life and it's heightened by what I'm going through. It

would be nice to have a mother to help me, be there for me in times like these.

But, I don't have that. Being the silver-lining seeker I always am...what I do

have is a lot of truly amazing friends that are loving, kind and helpful. They

are like family. I have had so many offers of help while I'm recuperating it

just makes me want to cry...but only happy tears. It's love. Despite how I

grew up...I can love, I can feel love and I can receive love. That is no small

miracle!

Just wanted to share.

Blessings to all.

Jaie

[Guest guest]

((((Jaie)))) Big big gentle hugs to you. I just had my hysterectomy last

tuesday, the 11th. If you want to talk about it off list, don't hesitate to

email me (zobimia@...).

I absolutely relate to wanting the mother we all deserve. I was telling my

fiance on the way to the hospital that I thought maybe I should draw a

picture that mother. Imagine her the way I would like her and draw a

picture of her. I don't think she would look like my nada because nada just

strikes such fear into me. I think she would have similar features, but she

would be kind, gentle & happy... softer, so to speak. I can sort of imagine

her with a smile on her face. Thinking about it does bring tears to my

eyes, but I still think I should do it. Maybe it will be therapeutic in

some way.

I think what you've told your children is amazing. I also understand not

wanting to be a burden, and again, I think that goes back to our childhoods.

We were burdens to our nadas & fadas. My living situation at the moment

isn't great - I live with fiance and his father & 2 brothers. For the

longest time when I first moved in I would apologize profusely to his dad

telling him " I don't want to be a burden " . He would just hug me and tell me

I wasn't. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live here & finish my

degree, but I still can't help but feel like a burden. I think it's likely

something a lot of KOs experience due to feeling like burdens as children.

It also goes back to us not being kind enough to ourselves, feeling we

don't deserve the same things that others do. For me, I didn't feel like I

deserved a safe place to live... when I lost the room I was staying in

before moving in here, I was so devastated and just told fiance to take me

to a homeless shelter. I didn't even feel worthy enough to ask for his

help, for his dads help. He told his dad what was going on (which was

another screwy situation that really speaks to how KOs can be

re-victimized.), his dad told him to tell me to pack my bags, I had a place

to live.

I'm so glad that somehow you & I and so many others here have been able to

escape that pattern of abusiveness. You sound like an amazing mother to me!

Your kids are so lucky to have you.

Now, enough talk about nadas & fadas and all the craziness we all endured as

kids... right now this time is about YOU and your recovery! Try to think of

good things, and give yourself permission to be pampered. It's ok to ask

for help, it's ok to sleep if you're tired, and it's ok to just watch TV or

surf the web or read a book if you want. It's ok to ask for someone to

bring you something, or to make you something to eat. Give yourself that

permission so you can heal. If it helps you, think of how you would react

to someone you love in the same situation. Wouldn't you want to help?

Wouldn't you be glad to bring them their slippers or help them change their

socks? For me that helps... I have never had a problem helping others, but

I do lack when it comes to helping myself. As a nursing student, I think

" Ok, what would I say or do for my patient " . And if it's good enough for

someone else, guess what? It's ok for me too!

I really hope that in a short time you'll feel as amazing as I do right now.

I am 1.5 weeks post op, not taking any more narcotic pain meds & feel

REALLY amazing! I think in a couple of weeks I'll feel like a million bucks

=) I can only hope & pray that you have as smooth a recovery as I have so

far. Oh, and don't forget to get up & walk a little here & there! Take

your IV pole for a ride down the hallways lol. Movement will only help to

get blood flowing so you can heal.

((((Jaie)))) more hugs for you =) Hang in there & keep us posted on your

recovery. Get some rest too! Your body needs it.

Mia

>

[Guest guest]

((((Jaie)))) Big big gentle hugs to you. I just had my hysterectomy last

tuesday, the 11th. If you want to talk about it off list, don't hesitate to

email me (zobimia@...).

I absolutely relate to wanting the mother we all deserve. I was telling my

fiance on the way to the hospital that I thought maybe I should draw a

picture that mother. Imagine her the way I would like her and draw a

picture of her. I don't think she would look like my nada because nada just

strikes such fear into me. I think she would have similar features, but she

would be kind, gentle & happy... softer, so to speak. I can sort of imagine

her with a smile on her face. Thinking about it does bring tears to my

eyes, but I still think I should do it. Maybe it will be therapeutic in

some way.

I think what you've told your children is amazing. I also understand not

wanting to be a burden, and again, I think that goes back to our childhoods.

We were burdens to our nadas & fadas. My living situation at the moment

isn't great - I live with fiance and his father & 2 brothers. For the

longest time when I first moved in I would apologize profusely to his dad

telling him " I don't want to be a burden " . He would just hug me and tell me

I wasn't. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live here & finish my

degree, but I still can't help but feel like a burden. I think it's likely

something a lot of KOs experience due to feeling like burdens as children.

It also goes back to us not being kind enough to ourselves, feeling we

don't deserve the same things that others do. For me, I didn't feel like I

deserved a safe place to live... when I lost the room I was staying in

before moving in here, I was so devastated and just told fiance to take me

to a homeless shelter. I didn't even feel worthy enough to ask for his

help, for his dads help. He told his dad what was going on (which was

another screwy situation that really speaks to how KOs can be

re-victimized.), his dad told him to tell me to pack my bags, I had a place

to live.

I'm so glad that somehow you & I and so many others here have been able to

escape that pattern of abusiveness. You sound like an amazing mother to me!

Your kids are so lucky to have you.

Now, enough talk about nadas & fadas and all the craziness we all endured as

kids... right now this time is about YOU and your recovery! Try to think of

good things, and give yourself permission to be pampered. It's ok to ask

for help, it's ok to sleep if you're tired, and it's ok to just watch TV or

surf the web or read a book if you want. It's ok to ask for someone to

bring you something, or to make you something to eat. Give yourself that

permission so you can heal. If it helps you, think of how you would react

to someone you love in the same situation. Wouldn't you want to help?

Wouldn't you be glad to bring them their slippers or help them change their

socks? For me that helps... I have never had a problem helping others, but

I do lack when it comes to helping myself. As a nursing student, I think

" Ok, what would I say or do for my patient " . And if it's good enough for

someone else, guess what? It's ok for me too!

I really hope that in a short time you'll feel as amazing as I do right now.

I am 1.5 weeks post op, not taking any more narcotic pain meds & feel

REALLY amazing! I think in a couple of weeks I'll feel like a million bucks

=) I can only hope & pray that you have as smooth a recovery as I have so

far. Oh, and don't forget to get up & walk a little here & there! Take

your IV pole for a ride down the hallways lol. Movement will only help to

get blood flowing so you can heal.

((((Jaie)))) more hugs for you =) Hang in there & keep us posted on your

recovery. Get some rest too! Your body needs it.

Mia

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much Mia!!! (((((((((hugs))))))))) Right back at ya hysta sistah!

You know what it so funny and I have to laugh at myself now... My boss and 3

co-workers offered to take me to the hospital and pick me up. I was planning to

walk over (I love to walk and it's right down the street) and then take a cab

home (a 3 minute ride). My neighbor hearing this said, " Absolutely NOT - I'll

drop you off there on my way to take my granddaughter to day care and I will be

free this afternoon so just tell the hospital to call me when you need a ride

home. " I felt so bad for her having to go out of her way and she just told me

to " stop it " and think nothing of it at all. How funny am I that I was going to

go to such extremes! LOL My neighbor is such a sweetheart. She's in her 60's

like nada but is a really, really good mother to her girls and an awesome

grandmother to her granddaughter. She's the kind of mom I wish I had and how

lucky am I that she rents the studio over my garage. (we both rent in a condo

complex). I am so truly blessed and I know I very much need to learn to let

people help. Letting people in to love and trust, I don't struggle so much

with. I'm cautious but not overly so. Asking for help has always been

different. Now I know why. This fierce independent streak is, in fact, a

defense mechanism. I accept that and will work on it with gentleness and care!

I think somewhere along the way I got tired of disappointment when I needed

anything and parents being so self-absorbed and addicted they just couldn't or

wouldn't and in fact, I got neglect instead (it was unintentional as I know they

did the best they could and I do know that they loved me and that nada still

does somewhere too).

I did get the benefit of a good motherly experience today thanks to my neighbor,

bless her golden heart! I'd do the same for her in a heart beat. I can't wait

to get out again. I want to get her a pretty bouquet of flowers - not just for

helping me out but just because she deserves them for being such an awesome mom.

I'm also going to buy myself one because I'm an awesome mom too! LOL

I'm doing much better now with the nada thoughts. And am really focused on

taking care of me. It only took me 5 hours to do it but got all my phone calls

and text messages out. LOL Typing is actually a great distraction from the

pain (no guarantee this won't look like typonese when it comes across

though-giggles).

I'm so glad to hear that you have had a smooth recovery time. I'm absolutely

planning on it. My doctor warned me that 56% of laparascopic hysterectomies

ended up being abdominal. I didn't know what I was going to wake up to but when

they told me as soon as the doctor comes in, I'd be able to be discharged home,

I wanted to do a happy dance. My doctor and nurse both told me they were

surprised at how quickly I recover from anesthesia. I told my doctor before

surgery that I always bounce back fast. Within a few minutes of connecting to

consciousness, I was asking for coffee (I didn't get to have any this morning)

and the sweet nurse I had brewed me a cup with my favorite creamer even

(nestle's...yum). I was in heaven. The doctor released me for 1 hour from the

time I woke up. Being able to be at home with facebook, NCIS, my own COFFEE

made for a great initial recuperation. I've been up and around frequently but

slowly and I do believe I will be able to make it up stairs tonight for bed

time, if I move slowly.

I know I'll be sore tomorrow but I will be okay. I just know it. The pain meds

work really well and once the morphine wore off, I didn't feel so gumby like.

LOL This will also be the longest time away from work in 8 years. The weather

is supposed to be spring-like off and on and I just couldn't ask for more - but

I might just because I need to practice. LOL

Thank you again for your post. It helped me so much. Realizing how many bits

and pieces are still left to work on is a good thing. One thing at a time, one

step at a time and slowly but surely, we'll all get there. I find the more

positive things I continue to do to show myself that I love me, the better all

of this BPD and drama gets to deal with.

Much love and many blessings!!!!

jaie

>

> ((((Jaie)))) Big big gentle hugs to you. I just had my hysterectomy last

> tuesday, the 11th. If you want to talk about it off list, don't hesitate to

> email me (zobimia@...).

>

> I absolutely relate to wanting the mother we all deserve. I was telling my

> fiance on the way to the hospital that I thought maybe I should draw a

> picture that mother. Imagine her the way I would like her and draw a

> picture of her. I don't think she would look like my nada because nada just

> strikes such fear into me. I think she would have similar features, but she

> would be kind, gentle & happy... softer, so to speak. I can sort of imagine

> her with a smile on her face. Thinking about it does bring tears to my

> eyes, but I still think I should do it. Maybe it will be therapeutic in

> some way.

>

> I think what you've told your children is amazing. I also understand not

> wanting to be a burden, and again, I think that goes back to our childhoods.

> We were burdens to our nadas & fadas. My living situation at the moment

> isn't great - I live with fiance and his father & 2 brothers. For the

> longest time when I first moved in I would apologize profusely to his dad

> telling him " I don't want to be a burden " . He would just hug me and tell me

> I wasn't. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live here & finish my

> degree, but I still can't help but feel like a burden. I think it's likely

> something a lot of KOs experience due to feeling like burdens as children.

> It also goes back to us not being kind enough to ourselves, feeling we

> don't deserve the same things that others do. For me, I didn't feel like I

> deserved a safe place to live... when I lost the room I was staying in

> before moving in here, I was so devastated and just told fiance to take me

> to a homeless shelter. I didn't even feel worthy enough to ask for his

> help, for his dads help. He told his dad what was going on (which was

> another screwy situation that really speaks to how KOs can be

> re-victimized.), his dad told him to tell me to pack my bags, I had a place

> to live.

>

> I'm so glad that somehow you & I and so many others here have been able to

> escape that pattern of abusiveness. You sound like an amazing mother to me!

> Your kids are so lucky to have you.

>

> Now, enough talk about nadas & fadas and all the craziness we all endured as

> kids... right now this time is about YOU and your recovery! Try to think of

> good things, and give yourself permission to be pampered. It's ok to ask

> for help, it's ok to sleep if you're tired, and it's ok to just watch TV or

> surf the web or read a book if you want. It's ok to ask for someone to

> bring you something, or to make you something to eat. Give yourself that

> permission so you can heal. If it helps you, think of how you would react

> to someone you love in the same situation. Wouldn't you want to help?

> Wouldn't you be glad to bring them their slippers or help them change their

> socks? For me that helps... I have never had a problem helping others, but

> I do lack when it comes to helping myself. As a nursing student, I think

> " Ok, what would I say or do for my patient " . And if it's good enough for

> someone else, guess what? It's ok for me too!

>

> I really hope that in a short time you'll feel as amazing as I do right now.

> I am 1.5 weeks post op, not taking any more narcotic pain meds & feel

> REALLY amazing! I think in a couple of weeks I'll feel like a million bucks

> =) I can only hope & pray that you have as smooth a recovery as I have so

> far. Oh, and don't forget to get up & walk a little here & there! Take

> your IV pole for a ride down the hallways lol. Movement will only help to

> get blood flowing so you can heal.

>

> ((((Jaie)))) more hugs for you =) Hang in there & keep us posted on your

> recovery. Get some rest too! Your body needs it.

>

> Mia

>

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so glad to hear you're doing well! I'm a little surprised they let you

go home so soon, but I do feel that there's something to be said for

patients' recovery at home! I had to stay in the hospital 2 days because I

had the abdominal type due to previous adhesions & scar tissue =( But I'm

so so glad you're doing ok! Just remember if you need help don't hesitate

for one second to ask for it. Call your neighbor, your daughter, someone to

come help you out. You need time to rest & let your body mend. Even with a

laproscopic surgery, there's still been a lot of trauma to your body, so try

to rest =)

I'm glad you're doing ok! I'm also glad you get where I was coming from

with the whole feeling like a burden & all that stuff. I think more KOs

could probably testify to the same feelings.

Try to get some rest, hang in there and keep us posted =)

((((Jaie))))

Mia

>

>

> Thank you so much Mia!!! (((((((((hugs))))))))) Right back at ya hysta

> sistah!

>

> You know what it so funny and I have to laugh at myself now... My boss and

> 3 co-workers offered to take me to the hospital and pick me up. I was

> planning to walk over (I love to walk and it's right down the street) and

> then take a cab home (a 3 minute ride). My neighbor hearing this said,

> " Absolutely NOT - I'll drop you off there on my way to take my granddaughter

> to day care and I will be free this afternoon so just tell the hospital to

> call me when you need a ride home. " I felt so bad for her having to go out

> of her way and she just told me to " stop it " and think nothing of it at all.

> How funny am I that I was going to go to such extremes! LOL My neighbor is

> such a sweetheart. She's in her 60's like nada but is a really, really good

> mother to her girls and an awesome grandmother to her granddaughter. She's

> the kind of mom I wish I had and how lucky am I that she rents the studio

> over my garage. (we both rent in a condo complex). I am so truly blessed and

> I know I very much need to learn to let people help. Letting people in to

> love and trust, I don't struggle so much with. I'm cautious but not overly

> so. Asking for help has always been different. Now I know why. This fierce

> independent streak is, in fact, a defense mechanism. I accept that and will

> work on it with gentleness and care!

>

> I think somewhere along the way I got tired of disappointment when I needed

> anything and parents being so self-absorbed and addicted they just couldn't

> or wouldn't and in fact, I got neglect instead (it was unintentional as I

> know they did the best they could and I do know that they loved me and that

> nada still does somewhere too).

>

> I did get the benefit of a good motherly experience today thanks to my

> neighbor, bless her golden heart! I'd do the same for her in a heart beat. I

> can't wait to get out again. I want to get her a pretty bouquet of flowers -

> not just for helping me out but just because she deserves them for being

> such an awesome mom. I'm also going to buy myself one because I'm an

> awesome mom too! LOL

>

> I'm doing much better now with the nada thoughts. And am really focused on

> taking care of me. It only took me 5 hours to do it but got all my phone

> calls and text messages out. LOL Typing is actually a great distraction from

> the pain (no guarantee this won't look like typonese when it comes across

> though-giggles).

>

> I'm so glad to hear that you have had a smooth recovery time. I'm

> absolutely planning on it. My doctor warned me that 56% of laparascopic

> hysterectomies ended up being abdominal. I didn't know what I was going to

> wake up to but when they told me as soon as the doctor comes in, I'd be able

> to be discharged home, I wanted to do a happy dance. My doctor and nurse

> both told me they were surprised at how quickly I recover from anesthesia. I

> told my doctor before surgery that I always bounce back fast. Within a few

> minutes of connecting to consciousness, I was asking for coffee (I didn't

> get to have any this morning) and the sweet nurse I had brewed me a cup with

> my favorite creamer even (nestle's...yum). I was in heaven. The doctor

> released me for 1 hour from the time I woke up. Being able to be at home

> with facebook, NCIS, my own COFFEE made for a great initial recuperation.

> I've been up and around frequently but slowly and I do believe I will be

> able to make it up stairs tonight for bed time, if I move slowly.

>

> I know I'll be sore tomorrow but I will be okay. I just know it. The pain

> meds work really well and once the morphine wore off, I didn't feel so gumby

> like. LOL This will also be the longest time away from work in 8 years. The

> weather is supposed to be spring-like off and on and I just couldn't ask for

> more - but I might just because I need to practice. LOL

>

> Thank you again for your post. It helped me so much. Realizing how many

> bits and pieces are still left to work on is a good thing. One thing at a

> time, one step at a time and slowly but surely, we'll all get there. I find

> the more positive things I continue to do to show myself that I love me, the

> better all of this BPD and drama gets to deal with.

>

> Much love and many blessings!!!!

>

> jaie

>

>

>

> >

> > ((((Jaie)))) Big big gentle hugs to you. I just had my hysterectomy last

> > tuesday, the 11th. If you want to talk about it off list, don't hesitate

> to

> > email me (zobimia@...).

>

> >

> > I absolutely relate to wanting the mother we all deserve. I was telling

> my

> > fiance on the way to the hospital that I thought maybe I should draw a

> > picture that mother. Imagine her the way I would like her and draw a

> > picture of her. I don't think she would look like my nada because nada

> just

> > strikes such fear into me. I think she would have similar features, but

> she

> > would be kind, gentle & happy... softer, so to speak. I can sort of

> imagine

> > her with a smile on her face. Thinking about it does bring tears to my

> > eyes, but I still think I should do it. Maybe it will be therapeutic in

> > some way.

> >

> > I think what you've told your children is amazing. I also understand not

> > wanting to be a burden, and again, I think that goes back to our

> childhoods.

> > We were burdens to our nadas & fadas. My living situation at the moment

> > isn't great - I live with fiance and his father & 2 brothers. For the

> > longest time when I first moved in I would apologize profusely to his dad

> > telling him " I don't want to be a burden " . He would just hug me and tell

> me

> > I wasn't. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live here & finish my

> > degree, but I still can't help but feel like a burden. I think it's

> likely

> > something a lot of KOs experience due to feeling like burdens as

> children.

> > It also goes back to us not being kind enough to ourselves, feeling we

> > don't deserve the same things that others do. For me, I didn't feel like

> I

> > deserved a safe place to live... when I lost the room I was staying in

> > before moving in here, I was so devastated and just told fiance to take

> me

> > to a homeless shelter. I didn't even feel worthy enough to ask for his

> > help, for his dads help. He told his dad what was going on (which was

> > another screwy situation that really speaks to how KOs can be

> > re-victimized.), his dad told him to tell me to pack my bags, I had a

> place

> > to live.

> >

> > I'm so glad that somehow you & I and so many others here have been able

> to

> > escape that pattern of abusiveness. You sound like an amazing mother to

> me!

> > Your kids are so lucky to have you.

> >

> > Now, enough talk about nadas & fadas and all the craziness we all endured

> as

> > kids... right now this time is about YOU and your recovery! Try to think

> of

> > good things, and give yourself permission to be pampered. It's ok to ask

> > for help, it's ok to sleep if you're tired, and it's ok to just watch TV

> or

> > surf the web or read a book if you want. It's ok to ask for someone to

> > bring you something, or to make you something to eat. Give yourself that

> > permission so you can heal. If it helps you, think of how you would react

> > to someone you love in the same situation. Wouldn't you want to help?

> > Wouldn't you be glad to bring them their slippers or help them change

> their

> > socks? For me that helps... I have never had a problem helping others,

> but

> > I do lack when it comes to helping myself. As a nursing student, I think

> > " Ok, what would I say or do for my patient " . And if it's good enough for

> > someone else, guess what? It's ok for me too!

> >

> > I really hope that in a short time you'll feel as amazing as I do right

> now.

> > I am 1.5 weeks post op, not taking any more narcotic pain meds & feel

> > REALLY amazing! I think in a couple of weeks I'll feel like a million

> bucks

> > =) I can only hope & pray that you have as smooth a recovery as I have so

> > far. Oh, and don't forget to get up & walk a little here & there! Take

> > your IV pole for a ride down the hallways lol. Movement will only help to

> > get blood flowing so you can heal.

> >

> > ((((Jaie)))) more hugs for you =) Hang in there & keep us posted on your

> > recovery. Get some rest too! Your body needs it.

> >

> > Mia

> >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I'm so glad to hear you're doing well! I'm a little surprised they let you

go home so soon, but I do feel that there's something to be said for

patients' recovery at home! I had to stay in the hospital 2 days because I

had the abdominal type due to previous adhesions & scar tissue =( But I'm

so so glad you're doing ok! Just remember if you need help don't hesitate

for one second to ask for it. Call your neighbor, your daughter, someone to

come help you out. You need time to rest & let your body mend. Even with a

laproscopic surgery, there's still been a lot of trauma to your body, so try

to rest =)

I'm glad you're doing ok! I'm also glad you get where I was coming from

with the whole feeling like a burden & all that stuff. I think more KOs

could probably testify to the same feelings.

Try to get some rest, hang in there and keep us posted =)

((((Jaie))))

Mia

>

>

> Thank you so much Mia!!! (((((((((hugs))))))))) Right back at ya hysta

> sistah!

>

> You know what it so funny and I have to laugh at myself now... My boss and

> 3 co-workers offered to take me to the hospital and pick me up. I was

> planning to walk over (I love to walk and it's right down the street) and

> then take a cab home (a 3 minute ride). My neighbor hearing this said,

> " Absolutely NOT - I'll drop you off there on my way to take my granddaughter

> to day care and I will be free this afternoon so just tell the hospital to

> call me when you need a ride home. " I felt so bad for her having to go out

> of her way and she just told me to " stop it " and think nothing of it at all.

> How funny am I that I was going to go to such extremes! LOL My neighbor is

> such a sweetheart. She's in her 60's like nada but is a really, really good

> mother to her girls and an awesome grandmother to her granddaughter. She's

> the kind of mom I wish I had and how lucky am I that she rents the studio

> over my garage. (we both rent in a condo complex). I am so truly blessed and

> I know I very much need to learn to let people help. Letting people in to

> love and trust, I don't struggle so much with. I'm cautious but not overly

> so. Asking for help has always been different. Now I know why. This fierce

> independent streak is, in fact, a defense mechanism. I accept that and will

> work on it with gentleness and care!

>

> I think somewhere along the way I got tired of disappointment when I needed

> anything and parents being so self-absorbed and addicted they just couldn't

> or wouldn't and in fact, I got neglect instead (it was unintentional as I

> know they did the best they could and I do know that they loved me and that

> nada still does somewhere too).

>

> I did get the benefit of a good motherly experience today thanks to my

> neighbor, bless her golden heart! I'd do the same for her in a heart beat. I

> can't wait to get out again. I want to get her a pretty bouquet of flowers -

> not just for helping me out but just because she deserves them for being

> such an awesome mom. I'm also going to buy myself one because I'm an

> awesome mom too! LOL

>

> I'm doing much better now with the nada thoughts. And am really focused on

> taking care of me. It only took me 5 hours to do it but got all my phone

> calls and text messages out. LOL Typing is actually a great distraction from

> the pain (no guarantee this won't look like typonese when it comes across

> though-giggles).

>

> I'm so glad to hear that you have had a smooth recovery time. I'm

> absolutely planning on it. My doctor warned me that 56% of laparascopic

> hysterectomies ended up being abdominal. I didn't know what I was going to

> wake up to but when they told me as soon as the doctor comes in, I'd be able

> to be discharged home, I wanted to do a happy dance. My doctor and nurse

> both told me they were surprised at how quickly I recover from anesthesia. I

> told my doctor before surgery that I always bounce back fast. Within a few

> minutes of connecting to consciousness, I was asking for coffee (I didn't

> get to have any this morning) and the sweet nurse I had brewed me a cup with

> my favorite creamer even (nestle's...yum). I was in heaven. The doctor

> released me for 1 hour from the time I woke up. Being able to be at home

> with facebook, NCIS, my own COFFEE made for a great initial recuperation.

> I've been up and around frequently but slowly and I do believe I will be

> able to make it up stairs tonight for bed time, if I move slowly.

>

> I know I'll be sore tomorrow but I will be okay. I just know it. The pain

> meds work really well and once the morphine wore off, I didn't feel so gumby

> like. LOL This will also be the longest time away from work in 8 years. The

> weather is supposed to be spring-like off and on and I just couldn't ask for

> more - but I might just because I need to practice. LOL

>

> Thank you again for your post. It helped me so much. Realizing how many

> bits and pieces are still left to work on is a good thing. One thing at a

> time, one step at a time and slowly but surely, we'll all get there. I find

> the more positive things I continue to do to show myself that I love me, the

> better all of this BPD and drama gets to deal with.

>

> Much love and many blessings!!!!

>

> jaie

>

>

>

> >

> > ((((Jaie)))) Big big gentle hugs to you. I just had my hysterectomy last

> > tuesday, the 11th. If you want to talk about it off list, don't hesitate

> to

> > email me (zobimia@...).

>

> >

> > I absolutely relate to wanting the mother we all deserve. I was telling

> my

> > fiance on the way to the hospital that I thought maybe I should draw a

> > picture that mother. Imagine her the way I would like her and draw a

> > picture of her. I don't think she would look like my nada because nada

> just

> > strikes such fear into me. I think she would have similar features, but

> she

> > would be kind, gentle & happy... softer, so to speak. I can sort of

> imagine

> > her with a smile on her face. Thinking about it does bring tears to my

> > eyes, but I still think I should do it. Maybe it will be therapeutic in

> > some way.

> >

> > I think what you've told your children is amazing. I also understand not

> > wanting to be a burden, and again, I think that goes back to our

> childhoods.

> > We were burdens to our nadas & fadas. My living situation at the moment

> > isn't great - I live with fiance and his father & 2 brothers. For the

> > longest time when I first moved in I would apologize profusely to his dad

> > telling him " I don't want to be a burden " . He would just hug me and tell

> me

> > I wasn't. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live here & finish my

> > degree, but I still can't help but feel like a burden. I think it's

> likely

> > something a lot of KOs experience due to feeling like burdens as

> children.

> > It also goes back to us not being kind enough to ourselves, feeling we

> > don't deserve the same things that others do. For me, I didn't feel like

> I

> > deserved a safe place to live... when I lost the room I was staying in

> > before moving in here, I was so devastated and just told fiance to take

> me

> > to a homeless shelter. I didn't even feel worthy enough to ask for his

> > help, for his dads help. He told his dad what was going on (which was

> > another screwy situation that really speaks to how KOs can be

> > re-victimized.), his dad told him to tell me to pack my bags, I had a

> place

> > to live.

> >

> > I'm so glad that somehow you & I and so many others here have been able

> to

> > escape that pattern of abusiveness. You sound like an amazing mother to

> me!

> > Your kids are so lucky to have you.

> >

> > Now, enough talk about nadas & fadas and all the craziness we all endured

> as

> > kids... right now this time is about YOU and your recovery! Try to think

> of

> > good things, and give yourself permission to be pampered. It's ok to ask

> > for help, it's ok to sleep if you're tired, and it's ok to just watch TV

> or

> > surf the web or read a book if you want. It's ok to ask for someone to

> > bring you something, or to make you something to eat. Give yourself that

> > permission so you can heal. If it helps you, think of how you would react

> > to someone you love in the same situation. Wouldn't you want to help?

> > Wouldn't you be glad to bring them their slippers or help them change

> their

> > socks? For me that helps... I have never had a problem helping others,

> but

> > I do lack when it comes to helping myself. As a nursing student, I think

> > " Ok, what would I say or do for my patient " . And if it's good enough for

> > someone else, guess what? It's ok for me too!

> >

> > I really hope that in a short time you'll feel as amazing as I do right

> now.

> > I am 1.5 weeks post op, not taking any more narcotic pain meds & feel

> > REALLY amazing! I think in a couple of weeks I'll feel like a million

> bucks

> > =) I can only hope & pray that you have as smooth a recovery as I have so

> > far. Oh, and don't forget to get up & walk a little here & there! Take

> > your IV pole for a ride down the hallways lol. Movement will only help to

> > get blood flowing so you can heal.

> >

> > ((((Jaie)))) more hugs for you =) Hang in there & keep us posted on your

> > recovery. Get some rest too! Your body needs it.

> >

> > Mia

> >

> > >

> >

> >

> >