Sometimes...

January 20, 2011

Even though I've gone NC with nada...there are times I so wish I had a mother.

I underwent a hysterectomy today and this is something my nada has been through.

I wish she could have been there or at least on the phone to help me through it.

But I realize that the thoughts and emotional reactions I'm having are no

different than a woman who has lost her mother. I keep telling myself this to

keep it in perspective. The reality is, she'd probably say something like,

" it's your fault your uterus was malfunctioning because you had too da@! many

kids. " So yeah, I don't need that and I'm recuperating at home with the help of

friends just fine. My oldest daughter is with me and I'm doing my absolute best

not to impose on her too much because I just refuse to be a burden. But I'm so

lucky that I have her here, that I have a good relationship with her and that

she loves me as much as I love her.

These thoughts I'm having are just amazing. I think of my oldest daughter, she

doesn't always do the things that I think she should but I see her, the person

she really is on the inside and she's really a beautiful soul. I would never

imagine trying to tear that apart for any reason. I told her that if I get too

old to take care of myself, put me in a home...if I get senile or abusive with

her in any way, don't take it not one bit of it. Set healthy boundaries even

with family and know that no matter what I love you so much!!!!!!

My children are such amazing souls. I could not imagine trying to manipulate

them to make them demonstrate their love for me on my terms. No matter what

they do, they love me and I know that I so would never berate them for not

calling, not funding my lifestyle or not doing things for me. I cannot fathom

that not one bit. But, I am NOW emotionally healthy. My nada feels entitlement

to all of those things from me and I am evil and mean as well as hurtful if I

don't give into her demands. I'm never allowed to love her on my terms (my

terms are not good enough), only her terms. So unfortunate!

Something really important - other people's actions are just not about you - NO

MATTER WHAT. Other people's actions and words are about them. Think about it

this way...when you've had a bad day or not enough sleep and you feel

crabby...if you SNAP at someone your SNAPPING is about you and not about them.

So NADA snapping and insulting is NOT about me. It's about her. This one thing

is a huge key to healing all of these feelings about a nada/fada with bpd.

Back to my original thought (sorry for the wandering - pain meds do that to

me...LOL), My " missing " nada is not really missing my nada. It's missing having

a loving mother in my life and it's heightened by what I'm going through. It

would be nice to have a mother to help me, be there for me in times like these.

But, I don't have that. Being the silver-lining seeker I always am...what I do

have is a lot of truly amazing friends that are loving, kind and helpful. They

are like family. I have had so many offers of help while I'm recuperating it

just makes me want to cry...but only happy tears. It's love. Despite how I

grew up...I can love, I can feel love and I can receive love. That is no small

miracle!

Just wanted to share.

Blessings to all.

Jaie

January 20, 2011

((((Jaie)))) Big big gentle hugs to you. I just had my hysterectomy last

tuesday, the 11th. If you want to talk about it off list, don't hesitate to

email me (zobimia@...).

I absolutely relate to wanting the mother we all deserve. I was telling my

fiance on the way to the hospital that I thought maybe I should draw a

picture that mother. Imagine her the way I would like her and draw a

picture of her. I don't think she would look like my nada because nada just

strikes such fear into me. I think she would have similar features, but she

would be kind, gentle & happy... softer, so to speak. I can sort of imagine

her with a smile on her face. Thinking about it does bring tears to my

eyes, but I still think I should do it. Maybe it will be therapeutic in

some way.

I think what you've told your children is amazing. I also understand not

wanting to be a burden, and again, I think that goes back to our childhoods.

We were burdens to our nadas & fadas. My living situation at the moment

isn't great - I live with fiance and his father & 2 brothers. For the

longest time when I first moved in I would apologize profusely to his dad

telling him " I don't want to be a burden " . He would just hug me and tell me

I wasn't. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live here & finish my

degree, but I still can't help but feel like a burden. I think it's likely

something a lot of KOs experience due to feeling like burdens as children.

It also goes back to us not being kind enough to ourselves, feeling we

don't deserve the same things that others do. For me, I didn't feel like I

deserved a safe place to live... when I lost the room I was staying in

before moving in here, I was so devastated and just told fiance to take me

to a homeless shelter. I didn't even feel worthy enough to ask for his

help, for his dads help. He told his dad what was going on (which was

another screwy situation that really speaks to how KOs can be

re-victimized.), his dad told him to tell me to pack my bags, I had a place

to live.

I'm so glad that somehow you & I and so many others here have been able to

escape that pattern of abusiveness. You sound like an amazing mother to me!

Your kids are so lucky to have you.

Now, enough talk about nadas & fadas and all the craziness we all endured as

kids... right now this time is about YOU and your recovery! Try to think of

good things, and give yourself permission to be pampered. It's ok to ask

for help, it's ok to sleep if you're tired, and it's ok to just watch TV or

surf the web or read a book if you want. It's ok to ask for someone to

bring you something, or to make you something to eat. Give yourself that

permission so you can heal. If it helps you, think of how you would react

to someone you love in the same situation. Wouldn't you want to help?

Wouldn't you be glad to bring them their slippers or help them change their

socks? For me that helps... I have never had a problem helping others, but

I do lack when it comes to helping myself. As a nursing student, I think

" Ok, what would I say or do for my patient " . And if it's good enough for

someone else, guess what? It's ok for me too!

I really hope that in a short time you'll feel as amazing as I do right now.

I am 1.5 weeks post op, not taking any more narcotic pain meds & feel

REALLY amazing! I think in a couple of weeks I'll feel like a million bucks

=) I can only hope & pray that you have as smooth a recovery as I have so

far. Oh, and don't forget to get up & walk a little here & there! Take

your IV pole for a ride down the hallways lol. Movement will only help to

get blood flowing so you can heal.

((((Jaie)))) more hugs for you =) Hang in there & keep us posted on your

recovery. Get some rest too! Your body needs it.

Mia

>

January 21, 2011

<<<Jaie>>> How are you feeling? I hope you're on your feet very soon.

So sorry for the grief you're feeling. It really is a grief. Sometimes I feel so

low or am going through something and wish I could talk to my mother about it.

But she's so needy, fearful and self-absorbed in her need and fear, that I would

regret talking to her about my feelings at all.

I liked what you said about " Something really important - other people's actions

are just not about you - NO MATTER WHAT. " My biggest flea is personalizing

other people's actions and comments and it's good to remember this.

Hope you're not in too much pain and feel lots better.

Fiona

>

> Even though I've gone NC with nada...there are times I so wish I had a mother.