Re: new here, dazed and confused...

January 7, 2011

Hi there & welcome to the group. I'm so sorry you are having such

difficulties with your parents, and sorry you have a need to find us =(

As for your questions:

a) that's called projection. BPDs are very good at projecting the bad parts

of themselves (and sometimes even the good) onto their children. When you

have constantly been told that it's you, you believe it! But recognizing

that it's NOT you is a great step.

With BPD & other cluster 2 personality disorders, there tends to be

overlap. A lot of BPDs also have features of Narcissism, OCD, and even

antisocial (sociopathy/psychopathy). I really believe my nada has some of

the antisocial going on because she does seem to have that sadistic side...

like she really enjoyed hurting me.

c) It is reaaaaaaaally ironic, isn't it? Kind of like the cop who sells

drugs on the side, or the fireman who's secretly an arsonist. I don't find

it that strange that she's in the psychology field. Hell, my fiance's

undaignosed BPD ex wife is also a psych major. God help us all!!!

Again welcome to the group!

Mia

>

January 7, 2011

Hi there & welcome to the group. I'm so sorry you are having such

difficulties with your parents, and sorry you have a need to find us =(

As for your questions:

a) that's called projection. BPDs are very good at projecting the bad parts

of themselves (and sometimes even the good) onto their children. When you

have constantly been told that it's you, you believe it! But recognizing

that it's NOT you is a great step.

With BPD & other cluster 2 personality disorders, there tends to be

overlap. A lot of BPDs also have features of Narcissism, OCD, and even

antisocial (sociopathy/psychopathy). I really believe my nada has some of

the antisocial going on because she does seem to have that sadistic side...

like she really enjoyed hurting me.

c) It is reaaaaaaaally ironic, isn't it? Kind of like the cop who sells

drugs on the side, or the fireman who's secretly an arsonist. I don't find

it that strange that she's in the psychology field. Hell, my fiance's

undaignosed BPD ex wife is also a psych major. God help us all!!!

Again welcome to the group!

Mia

>

January 7, 2011

Hi there & welcome to the group. I'm so sorry you are having such

difficulties with your parents, and sorry you have a need to find us =(

As for your questions:

a) that's called projection. BPDs are very good at projecting the bad parts

of themselves (and sometimes even the good) onto their children. When you

have constantly been told that it's you, you believe it! But recognizing

that it's NOT you is a great step.

With BPD & other cluster 2 personality disorders, there tends to be

overlap. A lot of BPDs also have features of Narcissism, OCD, and even

antisocial (sociopathy/psychopathy). I really believe my nada has some of

the antisocial going on because she does seem to have that sadistic side...

like she really enjoyed hurting me.

c) It is reaaaaaaaally ironic, isn't it? Kind of like the cop who sells

drugs on the side, or the fireman who's secretly an arsonist. I don't find

it that strange that she's in the psychology field. Hell, my fiance's

undaignosed BPD ex wife is also a psych major. God help us all!!!

Again welcome to the group!

Mia

>

January 7, 2011

You know, I'm not sure if it matters whether there is a diagnosis or not. When

you feel that sick twisting in your gut when your parent is opening their mouth

to invalidate, insult and abuse you, you're in a bad situation. The tools for

BPD or NPD might be really helpful for you to understand and deal with better

what you have had to deal with alone.

I can understand your frustration, shock and pain. it shouldn't have to be this

way but it sounds like it is. Love YOU enough to take care of you regarding

this situation. Learn about symptoms, yes but also learn about tools to help

you cope with abusive people. It will help you understand the craziness just

isn't about you.

I'm glad you found your way here. While it's sad that you had to be here,

realize the comfort there is in numbers of good, kind and loving people who have

walked in your shoes, who will listen to you, who will hear you and support and

understand you. This is a very cool place to hang out. Welcome.

I wish you much strength and healing on this part of your journey.

~Blessings

Jaie

>

> ok, so after moving 12,000 miles to get away from Her,, and 20 years and a

happy independent life later,, I suddenly find myself with the parents staying

for 2 months over Christmas and all hell breaks loose. just like the stuff that

the nightmares used to be made of before I escaped to the adult real world...

the glaring, the freeze-outs and silent treatment, bullying, shouting, tantrums,

undermining, constant criticisms, comments made when no one else can hear, the

twisted lying and backtracking and refusal to respect any values my husband and

I have created in our normal little new family life...

> So finding this website after looking up the challenging behaviours on

wikipedia (as you do) and it sounds like i have a bpd mother with enabling

father....still not sure if its also a sadistic personlaity disorder...

> How do you know what the problem really is if

> a) youve been told your whole life that its YOUR fault they behave that way

because WE are the ones with the mental illness not them????

> if it is BPD, if all the behavioural symptoms are nasty, cruel and

destructive, at what point does the total lack of empathy inthe 'bpd' border on

sadistic/psychotic???

> AND

> c) my bioigical mother is a renowned child pychologist specialising in

anti-bullying and child abuse (protection!!!!) the irony of which will seem

obvious to anyone reading on this site....

>

> aaahhhh...thanks! even being able to write this rant is so helpful!

>

January 7, 2011

You know, I'm not sure if it matters whether there is a diagnosis or not. When

you feel that sick twisting in your gut when your parent is opening their mouth

to invalidate, insult and abuse you, you're in a bad situation. The tools for

BPD or NPD might be really helpful for you to understand and deal with better

what you have had to deal with alone.

I can understand your frustration, shock and pain. it shouldn't have to be this

way but it sounds like it is. Love YOU enough to take care of you regarding

this situation. Learn about symptoms, yes but also learn about tools to help

you cope with abusive people. It will help you understand the craziness just

isn't about you.

I'm glad you found your way here. While it's sad that you had to be here,

realize the comfort there is in numbers of good, kind and loving people who have

walked in your shoes, who will listen to you, who will hear you and support and

understand you. This is a very cool place to hang out. Welcome.

I wish you much strength and healing on this part of your journey.

~Blessings

Jaie

>

> ok, so after moving 12,000 miles to get away from Her,, and 20 years and a

happy independent life later,, I suddenly find myself with the parents staying

for 2 months over Christmas and all hell breaks loose. just like the stuff that

the nightmares used to be made of before I escaped to the adult real world...

the glaring, the freeze-outs and silent treatment, bullying, shouting, tantrums,

undermining, constant criticisms, comments made when no one else can hear, the

twisted lying and backtracking and refusal to respect any values my husband and

I have created in our normal little new family life...

> So finding this website after looking up the challenging behaviours on

wikipedia (as you do) and it sounds like i have a bpd mother with enabling

father....still not sure if its also a sadistic personlaity disorder...

> How do you know what the problem really is if

> a) youve been told your whole life that its YOUR fault they behave that way

because WE are the ones with the mental illness not them????

> if it is BPD, if all the behavioural symptoms are nasty, cruel and

destructive, at what point does the total lack of empathy inthe 'bpd' border on

sadistic/psychotic???

> AND

> c) my bioigical mother is a renowned child pychologist specialising in

anti-bullying and child abuse (protection!!!!) the irony of which will seem

obvious to anyone reading on this site....

>

> aaahhhh...thanks! even being able to write this rant is so helpful!

>

January 7, 2011

You know, I'm not sure if it matters whether there is a diagnosis or not. When

you feel that sick twisting in your gut when your parent is opening their mouth

to invalidate, insult and abuse you, you're in a bad situation. The tools for

BPD or NPD might be really helpful for you to understand and deal with better

what you have had to deal with alone.

I can understand your frustration, shock and pain. it shouldn't have to be this

way but it sounds like it is. Love YOU enough to take care of you regarding

this situation. Learn about symptoms, yes but also learn about tools to help

you cope with abusive people. It will help you understand the craziness just

isn't about you.

I'm glad you found your way here. While it's sad that you had to be here,

realize the comfort there is in numbers of good, kind and loving people who have

walked in your shoes, who will listen to you, who will hear you and support and

understand you. This is a very cool place to hang out. Welcome.

I wish you much strength and healing on this part of your journey.

~Blessings

Jaie

>

> ok, so after moving 12,000 miles to get away from Her,, and 20 years and a

happy independent life later,, I suddenly find myself with the parents staying

for 2 months over Christmas and all hell breaks loose. just like the stuff that

the nightmares used to be made of before I escaped to the adult real world...

the glaring, the freeze-outs and silent treatment, bullying, shouting, tantrums,

undermining, constant criticisms, comments made when no one else can hear, the

twisted lying and backtracking and refusal to respect any values my husband and

I have created in our normal little new family life...

> So finding this website after looking up the challenging behaviours on

wikipedia (as you do) and it sounds like i have a bpd mother with enabling

father....still not sure if its also a sadistic personlaity disorder...

> How do you know what the problem really is if

> a) youve been told your whole life that its YOUR fault they behave that way

because WE are the ones with the mental illness not them????

> if it is BPD, if all the behavioural symptoms are nasty, cruel and

destructive, at what point does the total lack of empathy inthe 'bpd' border on

sadistic/psychotic???

> AND

> c) my bioigical mother is a renowned child pychologist specialising in

anti-bullying and child abuse (protection!!!!) the irony of which will seem

obvious to anyone reading on this site....

>

> aaahhhh...thanks! even being able to write this rant is so helpful!

>

January 7, 2011

Welcome to the Group.

You are describing one of the worst-case scenarios I can imagine: a severely

abusive bpd/npd momster who also happens to be a respected and well-known child

psychologist. Holy Cow. To me that would be like a waking nightmare; you poor

kid. You're right, the degree of irony is staggering.

I suggest that you read up on the Cluster B personality disorders intensively as

an act of self-preservation. These are histrionic pd, borderline pd,

narcissistic pd and antisocial pd. " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and

" Surviving A Borderline Parent " and " Stop Walking On Eggshells " are very

eye-opening and full of valuable information and advice on bpd parents and how

to protect yourself from them.

I'm no psychologist but it seems to me that your mother is using classic

" projection " on you: accusing you of being the " crazy " one. People with

personality disorder can't accept that there might be something wrong with

themselves so they blame all their problems on other people; nothing is ever

their fault: you *made* her act the way she does; its you who have emotional

problems, not her.

Wrong!

Books like SWOE will help you learn to set protective boundaries (rules) and

maintain them if you are determined to maintain a relationship with your bpd mom

and dishrag (enabling, enmeshed) dad.

Depending on your own situation, you may be able to remain in contact, but maybe

it works better for you to cut off contact. Its totally your choice and your

option. Its not wrong to protect yourself from an abusive person, even if that

abusive person is your own mother. Your mother doesn't have any right to

mistreat you and verbally abuse you and it doesn't make you a bad person to

protect yourself from her abuse.

You've found a group of adult children of mentally ill, personality-disordered

parents here who understand what you're going through.

So, vent away. That's what we're here for.

A few suggestions right off the bat, in case you are ever contemplating another

visit. (a) Never have the pd parents stay in your home, and never stay in their

home. You need a private refuge you can easily escape to when the pd parent

begins acting out (being abusive): your own home or your own hotel room. (

keep visits very short, just a few hours. Long visits just bring out the worst

in the bpd. © whenever possible, just meet them in a public place like a

restaurant or a friend's home so that there are other people present. Avoid

being alone with the pd parent(s). (d) The minute the pd parent begins verbally

abusing you, you just stand up and leave. Its your right to leave, and you can

leave.

That may help you avoid another 8-week-long emotional torture session in the

future, I hope. Gawd, the mere *idea* of spending that much time with my nada

(my " walking Cluster B " mom, who behaves a lot like you've described in your

post, when she gets wound up real good) ever again gives me an anticipatory

severe headache.

You'll figure out what works for you; its a very personal and individual

decision, how to deal with one's momster.

-Annie

>

> ok, so after moving 12,000 miles to get away from Her,, and 20 years and a

happy independent life later,, I suddenly find myself with the parents staying

for 2 months over Christmas and all hell breaks loose. just like the stuff that

the nightmares used to be made of before I escaped to the adult real world...

the glaring, the freeze-outs and silent treatment, bullying, shouting, tantrums,

undermining, constant criticisms, comments made when no one else can hear, the

twisted lying and backtracking and refusal to respect any values my husband and

I have created in our normal little new family life...

> So finding this website after looking up the challenging behaviours on

wikipedia (as you do) and it sounds like i have a bpd mother with enabling

father....still not sure if its also a sadistic personlaity disorder...

> How do you know what the problem really is if

> a) youve been told your whole life that its YOUR fault they behave that way

because WE are the ones with the mental illness not them????

> if it is BPD, if all the behavioural symptoms are nasty, cruel and

destructive, at what point does the total lack of empathy inthe 'bpd' border on

sadistic/psychotic???

> AND

> c) my bioigical mother is a renowned child pychologist specialising in

anti-bullying and child abuse (protection!!!!) the irony of which will seem

obvious to anyone reading on this site....

>

> aaahhhh...thanks! even being able to write this rant is so helpful!

>

January 7, 2011

You know, I don't think many of us have actual diagnoses of BPD for our parents,

we all just suspect or strongly suspect. Regardless of whether or not we know

for sure, the books other posters have mentioned (Stop Walking on Eggshells,

Borderline Mother) are helpful in dealing with abusive parents in general (or

human beings in general). I have started to employ some of the coping mechanisms

on a daily basis to help me resolve situations at work too.

Sorry to get off-track. I went through a similar situation this Christmas when I

visited my mother for the first time in 4 year (I was phone contact only due to

3000 miles distance). I understand that confusion and trauma it can cause. Take

some time to recover--many suggested that to me and they were right.

We are here for you!

January 7, 2011

You know, I don't think many of us have actual diagnoses of BPD for our parents,

we all just suspect or strongly suspect. Regardless of whether or not we know

for sure, the books other posters have mentioned (Stop Walking on Eggshells,

Borderline Mother) are helpful in dealing with abusive parents in general (or

human beings in general). I have started to employ some of the coping mechanisms

on a daily basis to help me resolve situations at work too.

Sorry to get off-track. I went through a similar situation this Christmas when I

visited my mother for the first time in 4 year (I was phone contact only due to

3000 miles distance). I understand that confusion and trauma it can cause. Take

some time to recover--many suggested that to me and they were right.

We are here for you!

January 22, 2011

Hi annie

thanks for your encouragement! ...I have friends with normal happy parental

retlationships and they have said they wouldnt have their lovely parents to stay

for this long! I was suckered in as they sprang the visit on me,then tried to be

optimistic, but really i was delusional about the visit (like alot of folk on

this board we look for the 900th 2nd chance to make it good...but it never will

come good...)

I appreciate your comments and will get the books they seem to have helped a lot

of people. Even reading everyone else's stories gives me comfort as I see the

patterns and can realise it wasnt my fault.

Cheers!

RG

> >

> > ok, so after moving 12,000 miles to get away from Her,, and 20 years and a

happy independent life later,, I suddenly find myself with the parents staying

for 2 months over Christmas and all hell breaks loose. just like the stuff that

the nightmares used to be made of before I escaped to the adult real world...

the glaring, the freeze-outs and silent treatment, bullying, shouting, tantrums,

undermining, constant criticisms, comments made when no one else can hear, the

twisted lying and backtracking and refusal to respect any values my husband and

I have created in our normal little new family life...

> > So finding this website after looking up the challenging behaviours on

wikipedia (as you do) and it sounds like i have a bpd mother with enabling

father....still not sure if its also a sadistic personlaity disorder...

> > How do you know what the problem really is if

> > a) youve been told your whole life that its YOUR fault they behave that way

because WE are the ones with the mental illness not them????

> > if it is BPD, if all the behavioural symptoms are nasty, cruel and

destructive, at what point does the total lack of empathy inthe 'bpd' border on

sadistic/psychotic???

> > AND

> > c) my bioigical mother is a renowned child pychologist specialising in

anti-bullying and child abuse (protection!!!!) the irony of which will seem

obvious to anyone reading on this site....

> >

> > aaahhhh...thanks! even being able to write this rant is so helpful!

> >

>

January 22, 2011

Hi annie

thanks for your encouragement! ...I have friends with normal happy parental

retlationships and they have said they wouldnt have their lovely parents to stay

for this long! I was suckered in as they sprang the visit on me,then tried to be

optimistic, but really i was delusional about the visit (like alot of folk on

this board we look for the 900th 2nd chance to make it good...but it never will

come good...)

I appreciate your comments and will get the books they seem to have helped a lot

of people. Even reading everyone else's stories gives me comfort as I see the

patterns and can realise it wasnt my fault.

Cheers!

RG

> >

> > ok, so after moving 12,000 miles to get away from Her,, and 20 years and a

happy independent life later,, I suddenly find myself with the parents staying

for 2 months over Christmas and all hell breaks loose. just like the stuff that

the nightmares used to be made of before I escaped to the adult real world...

the glaring, the freeze-outs and silent treatment, bullying, shouting, tantrums,

undermining, constant criticisms, comments made when no one else can hear, the

twisted lying and backtracking and refusal to respect any values my husband and

I have created in our normal little new family life...

> > So finding this website after looking up the challenging behaviours on

wikipedia (as you do) and it sounds like i have a bpd mother with enabling

father....still not sure if its also a sadistic personlaity disorder...

> > How do you know what the problem really is if

> > a) youve been told your whole life that its YOUR fault they behave that way

because WE are the ones with the mental illness not them????

> > if it is BPD, if all the behavioural symptoms are nasty, cruel and

destructive, at what point does the total lack of empathy inthe 'bpd' border on

sadistic/psychotic???

> > AND

> > c) my bioigical mother is a renowned child pychologist specialising in

anti-bullying and child abuse (protection!!!!) the irony of which will seem

obvious to anyone reading on this site....

> >

> > aaahhhh...thanks! even being able to write this rant is so helpful!

> >

>

January 22, 2011

Hi annie

thanks for your encouragement! ...I have friends with normal happy parental

retlationships and they have said they wouldnt have their lovely parents to stay

for this long! I was suckered in as they sprang the visit on me,then tried to be

optimistic, but really i was delusional about the visit (like alot of folk on

this board we look for the 900th 2nd chance to make it good...but it never will

come good...)

I appreciate your comments and will get the books they seem to have helped a lot

of people. Even reading everyone else's stories gives me comfort as I see the

patterns and can realise it wasnt my fault.

Cheers!

RG

> >

> > ok, so after moving 12,000 miles to get away from Her,, and 20 years and a

happy independent life later,, I suddenly find myself with the parents staying

for 2 months over Christmas and all hell breaks loose. just like the stuff that

the nightmares used to be made of before I escaped to the adult real world...

the glaring, the freeze-outs and silent treatment, bullying, shouting, tantrums,

undermining, constant criticisms, comments made when no one else can hear, the

twisted lying and backtracking and refusal to respect any values my husband and

I have created in our normal little new family life...

> > So finding this website after looking up the challenging behaviours on

wikipedia (as you do) and it sounds like i have a bpd mother with enabling

father....still not sure if its also a sadistic personlaity disorder...

> > How do you know what the problem really is if

> > a) youve been told your whole life that its YOUR fault they behave that way

because WE are the ones with the mental illness not them????

> > if it is BPD, if all the behavioural symptoms are nasty, cruel and

destructive, at what point does the total lack of empathy inthe 'bpd' border on

sadistic/psychotic???

> > AND

> > c) my bioigical mother is a renowned child pychologist specialising in

anti-bullying and child abuse (protection!!!!) the irony of which will seem

obvious to anyone reading on this site....

> >

> > aaahhhh...thanks! even being able to write this rant is so helpful!

> >

>

January 22, 2011

Dear Jaie

well thanks for your kind words! I love this site already and I just do not DO

this kind of thing normally! BUt a shared experience with others is already so

very healing!

On the positive side I must have lost at least a stone in the last four weeks -

the sick gut feeling kind of wrecks your appetite lOL!!!!

Fortunately there is a blessing to the visit in that it has given my husband

time to finally see through her big act ( after 15 years together!) and I feel

more connected to him as I have a real person in my life who has seen what she

is like so it proves I am not crazy!

yes it is good to be on the journey and know we are all going forward!

Cheers

RG

> >

> > ok, so after moving 12,000 miles to get away from Her,, and 20 years and a

happy independent life later,, I suddenly find myself with the parents staying

for 2 months over Christmas and all hell breaks loose. just like the stuff that

the nightmares used to be made of before I escaped to the adult real world...

the glaring, the freeze-outs and silent treatment, bullying, shouting, tantrums,

undermining, constant criticisms, comments made when no one else can hear, the

twisted lying and backtracking and refusal to respect any values my husband and

I have created in our normal little new family life...

> > So finding this website after looking up the challenging behaviours on

wikipedia (as you do) and it sounds like i have a bpd mother with enabling

father....still not sure if its also a sadistic personlaity disorder...

> > How do you know what the problem really is if

> > a) youve been told your whole life that its YOUR fault they behave that way

because WE are the ones with the mental illness not them????

> > if it is BPD, if all the behavioural symptoms are nasty, cruel and

destructive, at what point does the total lack of empathy inthe 'bpd' border on

sadistic/psychotic???

> > AND

> > c) my bioigical mother is a renowned child pychologist specialising in

anti-bullying and child abuse (protection!!!!) the irony of which will seem

obvious to anyone reading on this site....

> >

> > aaahhhh...thanks! even being able to write this rant is so helpful!

> >

>

January 22, 2011

Dear Jaie

well thanks for your kind words! I love this site already and I just do not DO

this kind of thing normally! BUt a shared experience with others is already so

very healing!

On the positive side I must have lost at least a stone in the last four weeks -

the sick gut feeling kind of wrecks your appetite lOL!!!!

Fortunately there is a blessing to the visit in that it has given my husband

time to finally see through her big act ( after 15 years together!) and I feel

more connected to him as I have a real person in my life who has seen what she

is like so it proves I am not crazy!

yes it is good to be on the journey and know we are all going forward!

Cheers

RG

> >

> > ok, so after moving 12,000 miles to get away from Her,, and 20 years and a

happy independent life later,, I suddenly find myself with the parents staying

for 2 months over Christmas and all hell breaks loose. just like the stuff that

the nightmares used to be made of before I escaped to the adult real world...

the glaring, the freeze-outs and silent treatment, bullying, shouting, tantrums,

undermining, constant criticisms, comments made when no one else can hear, the

twisted lying and backtracking and refusal to respect any values my husband and

I have created in our normal little new family life...

> > So finding this website after looking up the challenging behaviours on

wikipedia (as you do) and it sounds like i have a bpd mother with enabling

father....still not sure if its also a sadistic personlaity disorder...

> > How do you know what the problem really is if

> > a) youve been told your whole life that its YOUR fault they behave that way

because WE are the ones with the mental illness not them????

> > if it is BPD, if all the behavioural symptoms are nasty, cruel and

destructive, at what point does the total lack of empathy inthe 'bpd' border on

sadistic/psychotic???

> > AND

> > c) my bioigical mother is a renowned child pychologist specialising in

anti-bullying and child abuse (protection!!!!) the irony of which will seem

obvious to anyone reading on this site....

> >

> > aaahhhh...thanks! even being able to write this rant is so helpful!

> >

>

January 22, 2011

Dear Jaie

well thanks for your kind words! I love this site already and I just do not DO

this kind of thing normally! BUt a shared experience with others is already so

very healing!

On the positive side I must have lost at least a stone in the last four weeks -

the sick gut feeling kind of wrecks your appetite lOL!!!!

Fortunately there is a blessing to the visit in that it has given my husband

time to finally see through her big act ( after 15 years together!) and I feel

more connected to him as I have a real person in my life who has seen what she

is like so it proves I am not crazy!

yes it is good to be on the journey and know we are all going forward!

Cheers

RG

> >

> > ok, so after moving 12,000 miles to get away from Her,, and 20 years and a

happy independent life later,, I suddenly find myself with the parents staying

for 2 months over Christmas and all hell breaks loose. just like the stuff that

the nightmares used to be made of before I escaped to the adult real world...

the glaring, the freeze-outs and silent treatment, bullying, shouting, tantrums,

undermining, constant criticisms, comments made when no one else can hear, the

twisted lying and backtracking and refusal to respect any values my husband and

I have created in our normal little new family life...

> > So finding this website after looking up the challenging behaviours on

wikipedia (as you do) and it sounds like i have a bpd mother with enabling

father....still not sure if its also a sadistic personlaity disorder...

> > How do you know what the problem really is if

> > a) youve been told your whole life that its YOUR fault they behave that way

because WE are the ones with the mental illness not them????

> > if it is BPD, if all the behavioural symptoms are nasty, cruel and

destructive, at what point does the total lack of empathy inthe 'bpd' border on

sadistic/psychotic???

> > AND

> > c) my bioigical mother is a renowned child pychologist specialising in

anti-bullying and child abuse (protection!!!!) the irony of which will seem

obvious to anyone reading on this site....

> >

> > aaahhhh...thanks! even being able to write this rant is so helpful!

> >

>

January 22, 2011

Dear mia

it's funny really

all your life you are told that it goes a certain way, so of course you believe

the one in charge even if the child heart inside you want to say NO

So now of course when you wrote that a)it is projection - of course it seems so

obvious NOW, yet for years I just accepted that all those lies etc were the

opposite...

For years my biological Mother told me I was mentally unstable and that if I

kept 'it' (what was it? I never knew!!!) up then she would get me committed to a

mental institution...of course I had to believe her due to her job and

influence, and it seemed too great a risk to call her bluff...plus I watched her

get a friends husband sectioned...her job involved assessing children through

the courts in child abuse cases where she frequently advocated to have the child

placed in care.......I naturally believed her that she could get me

sectioned....Of course it may be a gross act of projection...but the power

balance did not swing in my favour....

Now I am older and on the road to recovery I can see how powerless she really is

to carry out her threats.

But the longstanding test is that every day I find myself having to re-think

everything - as fundamental truths were presented as lies and vice versa...its

like I have to start from scratch and reconstruct a new identity and set of

truth/values...what a lot of hard work it has been even to get to this point!

So knowing about the whole borderline disorder is the first step, but

deciphering it and cracking the code as to how in our particular case the

illness has polluted/distorted my natural is going to be the next stage - so I

can regain ownership of my thought processes and growth...

all your comments are very welcome - thanks so much to everyone for being brave

and taking the time to share stories with each other.

RG

>

> Hi there & welcome to the group. I'm so sorry you are having such

> difficulties with your parents, and sorry you have a need to find us =(

>

> As for your questions:

>

> a) that's called projection. BPDs are very good at projecting the bad parts

> of themselves (and sometimes even the good) onto their children. When you

> have constantly been told that it's you, you believe it! But recognizing

> that it's NOT you is a great step.

> With BPD & other cluster 2 personality disorders, there tends to be

> overlap. A lot of BPDs also have features of Narcissism, OCD, and even

> antisocial (sociopathy/psychopathy). I really believe my nada has some of

> the antisocial going on because she does seem to have that sadistic side...

> like she really enjoyed hurting me.

> c) It is reaaaaaaaally ironic, isn't it? Kind of like the cop who sells

> drugs on the side, or the fireman who's secretly an arsonist. I don't find

> it that strange that she's in the psychology field. Hell, my fiance's

> undaignosed BPD ex wife is also a psych major. God help us all!!!

>

> Again welcome to the group!

> Mia

>

> >

>

January 22, 2011

Hi AManda!

It sounds dreadful to say I am so glad to know others have had a life of trauma

too !!!!! I mean that in the best possible way! That WE are not alone!

I have been reading " BOUNDARIES when to say yes and when to say No "

and that is helping.

I have 3 weeks to go.....until they leave...counting down the days whilst at the

same time trying not to feel like a

bad/ungrateful/wicked/guilty/unloving/undeserving/nastygirl-daughter....all

those silly things we have been trained to feel!!!

Cheers!

RG

>

> You know, I don't think many of us have actual diagnoses of BPD for our

parents, we all just suspect or strongly suspect. Regardless of whether or not

we know for sure, the books other posters have mentioned (Stop Walking on

Eggshells, Borderline Mother) are helpful in dealing with abusive parents in

general (or human beings in general). I have started to employ some of the

coping mechanisms on a daily basis to help me resolve situations at work too.

>

> Sorry to get off-track. I went through a similar situation this Christmas when

I visited my mother for the first time in 4 year (I was phone contact only due

to 3000 miles distance). I understand that confusion and trauma it can cause.

Take some time to recover--many suggested that to me and they were right.

>

> We are here for you!

>

January 22, 2011

Hi AManda!

It sounds dreadful to say I am so glad to know others have had a life of trauma

too !!!!! I mean that in the best possible way! That WE are not alone!

I have been reading " BOUNDARIES when to say yes and when to say No "

and that is helping.

I have 3 weeks to go.....until they leave...counting down the days whilst at the

same time trying not to feel like a

bad/ungrateful/wicked/guilty/unloving/undeserving/nastygirl-daughter....all

those silly things we have been trained to feel!!!

Cheers!

RG

>

> You know, I don't think many of us have actual diagnoses of BPD for our

parents, we all just suspect or strongly suspect. Regardless of whether or not

we know for sure, the books other posters have mentioned (Stop Walking on

Eggshells, Borderline Mother) are helpful in dealing with abusive parents in

general (or human beings in general). I have started to employ some of the

coping mechanisms on a daily basis to help me resolve situations at work too.

>

> Sorry to get off-track. I went through a similar situation this Christmas when

I visited my mother for the first time in 4 year (I was phone contact only due

to 3000 miles distance). I understand that confusion and trauma it can cause.

Take some time to recover--many suggested that to me and they were right.

>

> We are here for you!

>

January 22, 2011

Hi AManda!

It sounds dreadful to say I am so glad to know others have had a life of trauma

too !!!!! I mean that in the best possible way! That WE are not alone!

I have been reading " BOUNDARIES when to say yes and when to say No "

and that is helping.

I have 3 weeks to go.....until they leave...counting down the days whilst at the

same time trying not to feel like a

bad/ungrateful/wicked/guilty/unloving/undeserving/nastygirl-daughter....all

those silly things we have been trained to feel!!!

Cheers!

RG

>

> You know, I don't think many of us have actual diagnoses of BPD for our

parents, we all just suspect or strongly suspect. Regardless of whether or not

we know for sure, the books other posters have mentioned (Stop Walking on

Eggshells, Borderline Mother) are helpful in dealing with abusive parents in

general (or human beings in general). I have started to employ some of the

coping mechanisms on a daily basis to help me resolve situations at work too.

>

> Sorry to get off-track. I went through a similar situation this Christmas when

I visited my mother for the first time in 4 year (I was phone contact only due

to 3000 miles distance). I understand that confusion and trauma it can cause.

Take some time to recover--many suggested that to me and they were right.

>

> We are here for you!

>

January 23, 2011

rgybargy68, you read my mind and my life when you wrote:

" But the longstanding test is that every day I find myself having to re-think

everything - as fundamental truths were presented as lies and vice versa...its

like I have to start from scratch and reconstruct a new identity and set of

truth/values...what a lot of hard work it has been even to get to this point!

So knowing about the whole borderline disorder is the first step, but

deciphering it and cracking the code as to how in our particular case the

illness has polluted/distorted my natural is going to be the next stage - so I

can regain ownership of my thought processes and growth... "

This is IT. This is exactly the plight, the problem, the path -- and the

baseline weirdness that people WITHOUT mentally ill parents don't seem to

understand. It's like having been brainwashed, but under the most

ordinary-seeming circumstances, so that no one outside our homes would ever

suspect....

And then later it's like, Dude, you BELIEVED all that stuff? Ha ha! But it was

craziness! Well, now you're free.

Well, no. Now I am NOT free, because unlike most people out there I have crazy

stuff implanted in my head and I have to fight through each and every one of

these crazy things just to " function " day by day. All the fears she implanted in

me, the suspicions, the delusions, the toxic shame and self-loathing. The

removal of my identity which a therapist later called " soul-murder. "

As an adult, every single thing I think and do has to be done around, and over,

and through this junk, after years of therapy and attempts at self-awareness and

recovery in various forms. Everything takes longer for me to do or figure out

than it takes most people. And I still quaver in fear. I still lose most

arguments. I still feel like putting quotation marks around the word " I " because

I don't know what it means and feel queasy writing it.

But in a way it's still a victory, because I'm still breathing and am not sick

the way she was. I'm not hurting anyone the way she did.

But the identity thing ... still very much a problem.

That's another reason it's great that your husband has now become your witness.

It's a reality check -- finally, someone else sees the sickness under the

surface.

One day at a time, as they say. Commend yourself for hard work well done.

January 23, 2011