Re: Does Your Nada Accuse You of Things SHE Did or Other People Have Done?

[Guest guest]

What a horrible woman! She's a soul killer.

>

>

> I wonder sometimes if it is my nada's dementia or it the BPD. I know to

> some it may not matter what the cause, but it makes me nuts.

>

> My nada accuses me of 'supporting all of Maine' when she sends me money.

>

> My nada told me awhile ago, " God will never forgive you for having an

> abortion when you were married to " . I never HAD an abortion and I was

> never pregnant. Furthermore I wouldn't have aborted it back then if I WAS

> pregnant. SHE had two abortions and both times she said because she did not

> want a baby ruining HER figure. She claims the only reason she had ME was

> because my grandmother wanted a grandchild and she begged her not to abort

> me. Nada will sometimes then say that 'I wish I had because you are of no

> use to me'.

>

> My nada accuses me of being an alcoholic, but she was never one and I

> haven't been drunk once in my life.

>

> My nada accuses me of being a 'drug addict' and again never took a drug in

> my life and greatly dislike even taking an aspirin.

>

> My nada accuses me of being a 'party girl' if I'm not home when she calls

> me and out at a friend's birthday party etc. I know I should lie and tell

> nada that I am out shopping but you can't quite do that when she calls at 8

> or 9 pm and you're not home.

>

> My nada TELLS me I am not to date as only teenagers date and besides - 'the

> only reason any man would want YOU is for MY money'. I don't tell her when I

> DO have a date and if she calls when I am out on the rare date, I tell her

> that I was out to a movie with a girlfriend, but that usually elicits the " I

> am wasting money " speech and 'we are in a depression - don't you have any

> brain in that head of yours'.

>

> Do any of you get accusations that are totally unfounded from your nada?

> Where do these come from? While I know they are absurd and totally false,

> they DO anger me because part of me wants to defend myself and the other

> part of me knows there is no point in that so I change the subject. When

> nada had it more together, she was like a tenacious bull and wouldn't give

> up the topic. You can't tell her " this subject is off limits " because she is

> like a two year old and that doesn't work - only angers her worse and you

> get the " I'M the MOTHER and YOU act like YOU'RE MY mother " routine. I can

> change the subject now though and I do so. Nada actually goes along with it,

> but that usually just leads to another rant about something else I have

> never done so it starts all over again. N.C. is not an option and I do limit

> calls as much as I can.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's probably both.

Your bpd mom / nada has been chronically emotionally and physically abusive and

negligent to you your whole life due to her personality disorder, and now she is

becoming mentally confused RE which acts were done by you and which were done by

her, due to her growing dementia.

If I've learned anything from being on these boards, its that my nada's negative

behaviors toward me and the hateful things she's said to me over the decades of

my life... aren't about me at all. They're totally about her, and she is

insane.

She's projecting her inner horrible, negative, insane thoughts about herself

onto me; I'm just the " movie screen " her inner " movie projector " is aimed at.

As a child I had no way of comprehending that and I took *everything* she said

personally and *believed it.* I continued to take everything she said

personally up until fairly recently, but *finally* I have been able to

comprehend that I don't have to do that now.

She might as well be accusing The Cheshire Cat of being hateful and mean to her,

that's how much her thoughts and feelings have to do with me.

When you can take that in, absorb it, integrate it into your consciousness, then

she can call you any name in the book or accuse you of clinging to her ceiling

at night to spy on her and it won't hurt your feelings at all, because you will

realize that she is totally freaking insane *and her accusations are

meaningless.*

Now, that doesn't mean that she can't harm me. I plan to never be alone with my

nada ever again, because I'm pretty sure it will occur to her to accuse me of

elder abuse. She's already made forays into that with Sister (hinting that its

Sister's fault that nada fell and broke her arm at home, but was forbidden to

call Sister for help) so, I know she is capable of it. I stopped accepting any

monetary gifts or any gifts of any kind from nada, and refuse to have anything

to do with her personal finances so I can avoid being accused of stealing from

her, which nada has (again) already skirted around the edge of accusing Sister

of doing. Our nada, sadly, tragically, is capable of projecting those inner

paranoid, delusional, malicious thoughts of hers onto us.

I can feel pity for her from a safe distance, I can help Sister when the time

comes to contribute to nada's welfare RE helping pay for assisted living or

nursing care, but I can do that from a safe distance.

That is the only way to deal with someone who is irrational, emotionally

unstable, and actively hostile toward you (i.e. a " Queen/Witch bpd mother " ):

Create a safe space between you, that includes emotional distance and physical

distance. You've got the physical distance thing in place but you're still

taking what she says personally, as though its relevant and meaningful.

When you can accept that nothing she says to you is either relevant to you or

meaningful, or even true, I think you'll have more peace.

-Annie

>

> I wonder sometimes if it is my nada's dementia or it the BPD. I know to some

it may not matter what the cause, but it makes me nuts.

>

> My nada accuses me of 'supporting all of Maine' when she sends me money.

>

> My nada told me awhile ago, " God will never forgive you for having an abortion

when you were married to " . I never HAD an abortion and I was never

pregnant. Furthermore I wouldn't have aborted it back then if I WAS pregnant.

SHE had two abortions and both times she said because she did not want a baby

ruining HER figure. She claims the only reason she had ME was because my

grandmother wanted a grandchild and she begged her not to abort me. Nada will

sometimes then say that 'I wish I had because you are of no use to me'.

>

> My nada accuses me of being an alcoholic, but she was never one and I haven't

been drunk once in my life.

>

> My nada accuses me of being a 'drug addict' and again never took a drug in my

life and greatly dislike even taking an aspirin.

>

> My nada accuses me of being a 'party girl' if I'm not home when she calls me

and out at a friend's birthday party etc. I know I should lie and tell nada

that I am out shopping but you can't quite do that when she calls at 8 or 9 pm

and you're not home.

>

> My nada TELLS me I am not to date as only teenagers date and besides - 'the

only reason any man would want YOU is for MY money'. I don't tell her when I DO

have a date and if she calls when I am out on the rare date, I tell her that I

was out to a movie with a girlfriend, but that usually elicits the " I am wasting

money " speech and 'we are in a depression - don't you have any brain in that

head of yours'.

>

> Do any of you get accusations that are totally unfounded from your nada?

Where do these come from? While I know they are absurd and totally false, they

DO anger me because part of me wants to defend myself and the other part of me

knows there is no point in that so I change the subject. When nada had it more

together, she was like a tenacious bull and wouldn't give up the topic. You

can't tell her " this subject is off limits " because she is like a two year old

and that doesn't work - only angers her worse and you get the " I'M the MOTHER

and YOU act like YOU'RE MY mother " routine. I can change the subject now though

and I do so. Nada actually goes along with it, but that usually just leads to

another rant about something else I have never done so it starts all over again.

N.C. is not an option and I do limit calls as much as I can.

>