Guest guest Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 If you want to be done with her in your life, you have every right to do that. Your dad and brother are just hoovering you back in so they don't have to hear nada complain/cry... I look at it this way: 1) Nada is unhappy when you do everything she wants. She just complains to you about everyone else. You have no life outside of nada's world. 2) You try to be in her life but you set boundaries. Nada takes it that you are trying to destroy her. 3) You live your life and have whatever interactions with nada you would like and make you happy. Nada is still miserable but gradually gives up on expecting you to be her punching bag/life line all at the same time (although she may try a few smear campaigns) You can decide any of these options or whatever variation you would like in between. When I realized that nada would be miserable with or without consuming me, it made my decisions more clear. Be done with her for a week if you need to. Be done with her for a month/year/lifetime if you need to. Take whatever time you need to decide. Nada isn't changin but you can. peace patinage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 If you want to be done with her in your life, you have every right to do that. Your dad and brother are just hoovering you back in so they don't have to hear nada complain/cry... I look at it this way: 1) Nada is unhappy when you do everything she wants. She just complains to you about everyone else. You have no life outside of nada's world. 2) You try to be in her life but you set boundaries. Nada takes it that you are trying to destroy her. 3) You live your life and have whatever interactions with nada you would like and make you happy. Nada is still miserable but gradually gives up on expecting you to be her punching bag/life line all at the same time (although she may try a few smear campaigns) You can decide any of these options or whatever variation you would like in between. When I realized that nada would be miserable with or without consuming me, it made my decisions more clear. Be done with her for a week if you need to. Be done with her for a month/year/lifetime if you need to. Take whatever time you need to decide. Nada isn't changin but you can. peace patinage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 I was NC for about 6 years, but I found that not only caused me guilt, my imagination ran wild and I became fearful of her. Low contact at my convenience with boundaries is the only way I'm open to visiting with her. Your dad and bro are not 'safe' people to discuss your needs with, they experience her differently and they have a vested interest in keeping her happy. > > No surprise to you all I'm sure. I wish I could just go NC and be done with it. For some reason every time I try I get sucked back in. I've been trying LC, but that's even harder, she can't stand that I don't want to see her all the time even though I live 20 mins away. Then every time I DO see her/talk to her I hear how I don't ever call her/see her. I'm just tired of the drama. I've improved the rest of my life so much, I am mostly happy now, I have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend and awesome pets (our family). SHE is the only drama left in my life. > > My brother and father think I'm too " sensitive " and don't see why I can't just ignore her when she get's weird and then hang out with her later like nothing happened. But instead, she just affects me so much, she makes me cry. That's why I can't go NC either, then I think about how sad she is about it and I feel so guilty and I get depressed. I know she is sad/angry anyway and that it's not my fault, but even without her literally talking to me I swear I have her voice in my ear all the time!! > > How do I get rid of her?? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 I was NC for about 6 years, but I found that not only caused me guilt, my imagination ran wild and I became fearful of her. Low contact at my convenience with boundaries is the only way I'm open to visiting with her. Your dad and bro are not 'safe' people to discuss your needs with, they experience her differently and they have a vested interest in keeping her happy. > > No surprise to you all I'm sure. I wish I could just go NC and be done with it. For some reason every time I try I get sucked back in. I've been trying LC, but that's even harder, she can't stand that I don't want to see her all the time even though I live 20 mins away. Then every time I DO see her/talk to her I hear how I don't ever call her/see her. I'm just tired of the drama. I've improved the rest of my life so much, I am mostly happy now, I have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend and awesome pets (our family). SHE is the only drama left in my life. > > My brother and father think I'm too " sensitive " and don't see why I can't just ignore her when she get's weird and then hang out with her later like nothing happened. But instead, she just affects me so much, she makes me cry. That's why I can't go NC either, then I think about how sad she is about it and I feel so guilty and I get depressed. I know she is sad/angry anyway and that it's not my fault, but even without her literally talking to me I swear I have her voice in my ear all the time!! > > How do I get rid of her?? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 I was NC for about 6 years, but I found that not only caused me guilt, my imagination ran wild and I became fearful of her. Low contact at my convenience with boundaries is the only way I'm open to visiting with her. Your dad and bro are not 'safe' people to discuss your needs with, they experience her differently and they have a vested interest in keeping her happy. > > No surprise to you all I'm sure. I wish I could just go NC and be done with it. For some reason every time I try I get sucked back in. I've been trying LC, but that's even harder, she can't stand that I don't want to see her all the time even though I live 20 mins away. Then every time I DO see her/talk to her I hear how I don't ever call her/see her. I'm just tired of the drama. I've improved the rest of my life so much, I am mostly happy now, I have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend and awesome pets (our family). SHE is the only drama left in my life. > > My brother and father think I'm too " sensitive " and don't see why I can't just ignore her when she get's weird and then hang out with her later like nothing happened. But instead, she just affects me so much, she makes me cry. That's why I can't go NC either, then I think about how sad she is about it and I feel so guilty and I get depressed. I know she is sad/angry anyway and that it's not my fault, but even without her literally talking to me I swear I have her voice in my ear all the time!! > > How do I get rid of her?? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Patinage, that is an amazing realization. No matter what I do, the result with nada will be the same; therefore, I should just do what's best for me. Wow. It's just so simple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Patinage, that is an amazing realization. No matter what I do, the result with nada will be the same; therefore, I should just do what's best for me. Wow. It's just so simple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Patinage, that is an amazing realization. No matter what I do, the result with nada will be the same; therefore, I should just do what's best for me. Wow. It's just so simple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Slingshot, I soooo know how you feel. There are days I think, " this day would be perfect, if it weren't for my mother. " I do feel bad saying that, but not as bad as I used to feel! Like yours, my mother wants to be the center of my life, wants to call me every time she farts, to tell me every thought she has, etc. She has scaled back a LOT just because I have pulled back a lot. She takes it personally that I want to be my own person and have my own thoughts and do things without telling her. It's nuts. I used to share with my brother too and he would tell me the same thing, 'oh you're too sensitive, mom's just old...blah blah. " I stopped telling him how I felt because he just minimizes and I realized I was an active participant in this weird emotional dance / triangle between the three of us. Even if he wants to tell me something about her, I don't want to hear it. Also, i'm the one who lives literally 2 minutes away from her, not him. It has gotten much, much better for me. I used to cry as well and feel very, very guilty but just take small steps in the direction you want to go and stand firm. Read " Boundaries " by Cloud/Townsend. Also, don't know if you're seeing a counselor/therapist, but it really helps to talk to someone not immersed in the situation to help you see reality. you're not alone! Fiona > > No surprise to you all I'm sure. I wish I could just go NC and be done with it. For some reason every time I try I get sucked back in. I've been trying LC, but that's even harder, she can't stand that I don't want to see her all the time even though I live 20 mins away. Then every time I DO see her/talk to her I hear how I don't ever call her/see her. I'm just tired of the drama. I've improved the rest of my life so much, I am mostly happy now, I have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend and awesome pets (our family). SHE is the only drama left in my life. > > My brother and father think I'm too " sensitive " and don't see why I can't just ignore her when she get's weird and then hang out with her later like nothing happened. But instead, she just affects me so much, she makes me cry. That's why I can't go NC either, then I think about how sad she is about it and I feel so guilty and I get depressed. I know she is sad/angry anyway and that it's not my fault, but even without her literally talking to me I swear I have her voice in my ear all the time!! > > How do I get rid of her?? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 amen! > > I was NC for about 6 years, but I found that not only caused me guilt, my imagination ran wild and I became fearful of her. > > Low contact at my convenience with boundaries is the only way I'm open to visiting with her. > > Your dad and bro are not 'safe' people to discuss your needs with, they experience her differently and they have a vested interest in keeping her happy. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 amen! > > I was NC for about 6 years, but I found that not only caused me guilt, my imagination ran wild and I became fearful of her. > > Low contact at my convenience with boundaries is the only way I'm open to visiting with her. > > Your dad and bro are not 'safe' people to discuss your needs with, they experience her differently and they have a vested interest in keeping her happy. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 It truly is an epiphany moment when this sinks in. I had been trying to tell my Sister that for years, like, half a decade, that it did not matter that Sister was giving our nada more and more of her free time in an effort to please nada, that nada would never be pleased and would demand even more. Sister finally reached her breaking point and started seeing a psychologist, and it was the psychologist who finally was able to get that point across to my Sister. He was able to absolve Sister of her misplaced and inappropriate guilt feelings, so that Sister was at last able to just do as much for our nada as she herself truly felt comfortable doing. That translated into visiting our nada once a month instead of several times a week. It truly makes no difference. Our nada now claims that Sister only comes over once a *year* but that's because nada is now starting to hallucinate and she's starting to lose her shorter-term memory. Its just so damned sad. And its tragic to go through life forcing your spouse and your children to feel responsible for *making* you happy and screaming abuse at them when they can't do that. -Annie > > Patinage, that is an amazing realization. No matter what I do, the result with nada will be the same; therefore, I should just do what's best for me. Wow. It's just so simple. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 It truly is an epiphany moment when this sinks in. I had been trying to tell my Sister that for years, like, half a decade, that it did not matter that Sister was giving our nada more and more of her free time in an effort to please nada, that nada would never be pleased and would demand even more. Sister finally reached her breaking point and started seeing a psychologist, and it was the psychologist who finally was able to get that point across to my Sister. He was able to absolve Sister of her misplaced and inappropriate guilt feelings, so that Sister was at last able to just do as much for our nada as she herself truly felt comfortable doing. That translated into visiting our nada once a month instead of several times a week. It truly makes no difference. Our nada now claims that Sister only comes over once a *year* but that's because nada is now starting to hallucinate and she's starting to lose her shorter-term memory. Its just so damned sad. And its tragic to go through life forcing your spouse and your children to feel responsible for *making* you happy and screaming abuse at them when they can't do that. -Annie > > Patinage, that is an amazing realization. No matter what I do, the result with nada will be the same; therefore, I should just do what's best for me. Wow. It's just so simple. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Thank you everyone for your replies. I've been trying to do LC but she makes it worse than high contact. For example, if I go more than a week without seeing her, she gets upset and leaves me nasty voicemails/emails, which makes me not want to call her or see her, so then I go another week, and it just becomes this cycle and now it's been a month. Which is fine with me, but to my nada that's 2 months (she exaggerates everything) and she's freaking out. None of this was even on purpose, but everytime I call she's not there and she calls me when I'm busy. She thinks if I don't answer her that I'm ignoring her, even though I call back later the same day and then she doesn't answer my calls! Well now I have a flood of emails in my inbox that make me not want to call her at all. Once a month I think would be manageable for me to see her to start with, but I don't see how I can do this when everytime I try for even every 2 weeks she freaks out and forces me into going months without seeing her, and then I get sucked back in to once or twice a week. My bf thinks I should just go NC, he says I'm so much happier when I don't have to think about her. When she gets mad at me and doesn't talk to me for awhile it's actually really nice, but when I'm the one cutting her off I can't seem to do it. I am not seeing a therapist - I have no insurance. =( Casey > > > > No surprise to you all I'm sure. I wish I could just go NC and be done with it. For some reason every time I try I get sucked back in. I've been trying LC, but that's even harder, she can't stand that I don't want to see her all the time even though I live 20 mins away. Then every time I DO see her/talk to her I hear how I don't ever call her/see her. I'm just tired of the drama. I've improved the rest of my life so much, I am mostly happy now, I have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend and awesome pets (our family). SHE is the only drama left in my life. > > > > My brother and father think I'm too " sensitive " and don't see why I can't just ignore her when she get's weird and then hang out with her later like nothing happened. But instead, she just affects me so much, she makes me cry. That's why I can't go NC either, then I think about how sad she is about it and I feel so guilty and I get depressed. I know she is sad/angry anyway and that it's not my fault, but even without her literally talking to me I swear I have her voice in my ear all the time!! > > > > How do I get rid of her?? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 I'm with boyfriend. NC or limits. by the way, there is no law that says you have to listen to the messages or read the e-mails. I haven't read one or listened to one in years. On Thu, Jan 20, 2011 at 12:48 PM, slingshot2hell wrote: > > > Thank you everyone for your replies. I've been trying to do LC but she > makes it worse than high contact. For example, if I go more than a week > without seeing her, she gets upset and leaves me nasty voicemails/emails, > which makes me not want to call her or see her, so then I go another week, > and it just becomes this cycle and now it's been a month. Which is fine with > me, but to my nada that's 2 months (she exaggerates everything) and she's > freaking out. None of this was even on purpose, but everytime I call she's > not there and she calls me when I'm busy. She thinks if I don't answer her > that I'm ignoring her, even though I call back later the same day and then > she doesn't answer my calls! Well now I have a flood of emails in my inbox > that make me not want to call her at all. > > Once a month I think would be manageable for me to see her to start with, > but I don't see how I can do this when everytime I try for even every 2 > weeks she freaks out and forces me into going months without seeing her, and > then I get sucked back in to once or twice a week. > > My bf thinks I should just go NC, he says I'm so much happier when I don't > have to think about her. When she gets mad at me and doesn't talk to me for > awhile it's actually really nice, but when I'm the one cutting her off I > can't seem to do it. > > I am not seeing a therapist - I have no insurance. =( > > Casey > > > > > > > > > No surprise to you all I'm sure. I wish I could just go NC and be done > with it. For some reason every time I try I get sucked back in. I've been > trying LC, but that's even harder, she can't stand that I don't want to see > her all the time even though I live 20 mins away. Then every time I DO see > her/talk to her I hear how I don't ever call her/see her. I'm just tired of > the drama. I've improved the rest of my life so much, I am mostly happy now, > I have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend and awesome pets (our > family). SHE is the only drama left in my life. > > > > > > My brother and father think I'm too " sensitive " and don't see why I > can't just ignore her when she get's weird and then hang out with her later > like nothing happened. But instead, she just affects me so much, she makes > me cry. That's why I can't go NC either, then I think about how sad she is > about it and I feel so guilty and I get depressed. I know she is sad/angry > anyway and that it's not my fault, but even without her literally talking to > me I swear I have her voice in my ear all the time!! > > > > > > How do I get rid of her?? > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 This is just my own opinion to take or leave, but I agree with your boyfriend: that it will be healthier for you to cut all contact with your bpd mom for a good long while. Please read about/educate yourself about codependency. You are, in my opinion, overly enmeshed with your mother. Its like your relationship with her is an addiction that you can't kick. You can find a reading list at the home page of this site, and your local library can order a book for you to borrow if they don't already have it. If you take a long " time out " from all contact with your bpd mom, you can " detox " from the co-dependency. Overcoming your own guilt is the main issue, seems to me. That's what bpds do: they FOG us. They use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to manipulate us into catering to their bad behaviors and feeling guilty if we don't. CODA meetings are free; its like Al-Anon meetings for the families of alcoholics, but CODA is for those wanting to overcome being codependent. There is another free meet-up group called NAMI, for the families of the mentally ill. Knowledge is power, and empowering. I hope you choose to educate yourself about bpd, about enmeshment and codependency, and about boundary-setting. When you are ready to feel more like an adult who has the right to set and maintain reasonable boundaries, your relationship with your mother will be more power-balanced like that of two adults instead of a parent-child relationship where one has all the power and the other has none. But if you're not ready to do that and instead just want to passively wait and hope for your mother to decide that she's too emotionally dependent on you, needs to back off and have her own life and let you have yours, then you're going to be waiting for a few decades, I'm afraid. -Annie > > > > > > No surprise to you all I'm sure. I wish I could just go NC and be done with it. For some reason every time I try I get sucked back in. I've been trying LC, but that's even harder, she can't stand that I don't want to see her all the time even though I live 20 mins away. Then every time I DO see her/talk to her I hear how I don't ever call her/see her. I'm just tired of the drama. I've improved the rest of my life so much, I am mostly happy now, I have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend and awesome pets (our family). SHE is the only drama left in my life. > > > > > > My brother and father think I'm too " sensitive " and don't see why I can't just ignore her when she get's weird and then hang out with her later like nothing happened. But instead, she just affects me so much, she makes me cry. That's why I can't go NC either, then I think about how sad she is about it and I feel so guilty and I get depressed. I know she is sad/angry anyway and that it's not my fault, but even without her literally talking to me I swear I have her voice in my ear all the time!! > > > > > > How do I get rid of her?? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Well, simple on paper but emotionally heart-wrenching when you have been trained essentially from birth to take care of nada/fada. Be gentle with yourself. It took a lifetime of training and can take some time to untrain yourself and learn how to protect yourself. And making a change can often make nada worse for a period of time. Unmeshing is not always easily done but it is worth it. patinage > > Patinage, that is an amazing realization. No matter what I do, the result with nada will be the same; therefore, I should just do what's best for me. Wow. It's just so simple. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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