Dinner with a BPD

[Guest guest]

As an informal pastor, I often get together with folks I meet at church to

discuss life/spiritual issues. Last night, I met with a young lady who was

experiencing some difficulties. I didn't know her well--we had only met 2

times.

I asked her about her life story. In the middle of the story, she said " I

struggle a lot, because I have a mental illness. It's not bi-polar, it's

something called Borderline Personality Disorder . . . "

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

With great restraint, I didn't run from the table immediately and change my

phone number. And I'm glad I didn't.

Turns out, I found the holy grail. A BPD who acknowledges her illness and fully

owns her behavior. Yeah. I know.

She described her life from a BPD's perspective. It was amazing. She talked

about how she gets triggered, and has about 30 seconds before she completely

disassociates. Then, she " comes to " and looks around the room, checks out

everyone's non-verbals and quickly pieces together what she did. (Reading

non-verbals is a skill she does exceptionally well).

She talked about how hard it is, because she alienates everyone and she is a

very social person. She said " It's not their fault--I do these really crazy

things and I'm not safe. "

She talked about " hoovering " and how she intentionally escalates her behavior to

hook people back in once she's alienated them. And it was interesting, because

she described it as something like an addiction: " I don't want to do it, but I

can't stop myself--it's like something else takes over, and I have to get them

back. "

As we talked about a major life decision she's trying to make, she said, several

times, " I'm trying really hard to be in a grey area here. You know everything

is so black and white and extreme--I have a hard time being balanced. "

Of course, she admitted she's addicted to alcohol and engaging in some very

self-destructive behavior. I stayed far away from that discussion.

It was a conversation I thought I'd never have, and it was very surreal

experience. Imagine . . .discussing BPD with a " recovering " BPD. I was even

able to ask her some questions about my mother. i.e., what is it like when you

do this?

Good news: BPDs who acknowledge themselves as the problem do exist!

Bad news: Even with all of her amazing self-awareness . . . none of the

behaviors have changed. She's still getting fired wherever she goes, lies as

easily as she breathes (since she creates her own reality on the spot) and is so

destructive her family won't be around her.

It's like a hope with no hope.

Blessings,

Karla