Re: My Grand Dad disappointed me today

[Guest guest]

Growinglotusflower, HUGS to you. I can imagine how disappointing it must be to

finally take that big step and get such a hurtful response. But you know if

he'd been willing to " man up " in dealing with your grandmother or mother he's

had decades to do so. Odds are he's become so entrenched in the status quo he

just can't see outside of it and you pointed out things he can't bear to see.

Sorry it turned out that way, but at least now you know.

You got me thinking about my own grandfather who is now passed. He was

definitely dishrag to my grandnada - she was definitely in charge and her

interests always came first. He was a kind and gentle man though to the degree

I knew him, though I realize now I didn't know him that well. I often wonder

what he thought as he saw his two daughters grow up to have unhappy adult lives

- the mental illness with my nada was clear for those with eyes to see but not

obvious. While I'm sure he deserves some blame, it is no doubt my grandmother

who was the greater influence on my nada.

I would guess in your case as well. Unless the father does something really

horrible, it's usually the mother who is in the position to damage the child

more. BUT you can't leave genes out of it. So many people here on this list

have been through horrific things, but have come out amazingly normal. So you

know no matter what the grandparents did there had to be some genetic stuff

happening there too. That's what I tell myself when I get angry at my

grandparents because I'll never really know how much of it was their fault -

they are dead now and the truth with them.

I hope you find some peace and feel better. I had typed " answers " instead of

peace but then realized even though your grandparents are alive they are

unlikely to give you real answers. Peace is the best we can hope for.

>

> Hi group! I haven't been on here in years but today I felt a need to talk to

someone who would understand what happened today and maybe say something to help

me let it go. I haven't talked to my Nada in 3.5 years~ Best 3.5 years of my

life!!!! Well I have wanted many times to tell my Grandparents about BPD and

all that has happened with my Nanda but my Aunt for years has begged me to not

mention it to them. She's says it would just hurt them and they wouldn't be

able to do anything about it anyway. So I listened to her and didn't tell them

for years and years, but it was frustrating for me because I know I want my

Grand children (when I have them) to come to me and talk about any and

everything they want. I want to have a real relationship with my Grand Children

and I wanted to have a real relationship with my Grand Parents too but

everything has always been so superficial with them. I also felt it was in Part

their fault my Mom ended up having BPD because they raised her and were never

good parents to her because my Grand Mother was an Alcoholic and Possible BPD

herself and my Grand Dad did nothing but pamper and take care of my Grand Mother

like she was a Queen. It was all about what my Grand Mother wanted and he bends

over backwards to please her and keep her happy to keep the peace. They

completely ignored my Mom and her sister when they were kids and growing up. I

knew I couldn't be the one to help my Mom with her BPD problems and at times I

felt like my Grandpa might be the only one in the world that might be able to

get through to her to go to therapy and get help because she looks up to him and

admires him. She probably admires him for 2 main reasons. 1 he was smart in

business and 2 she probably wished she could find a guy like him to kiss her ass

forever and ever even when she was being a bitch like my Grandmother usually is.

Anyway those where my 3 reasons why I wanted to tell him...

> 1. He should help her, he's her father and it's his fault she is so messed up,

and because she'll listen to him

> 2. Because I wanted to have an close relationship with him and talk about

real life and not just the weather.

>

> 3. Ohh and because I don't think there is one other person that cares about

her in the whole world other than him so he was her last chance to get help.

>

> Well months ago I went to visit my Grand Parents and after we left my Aunt

(the same one who begs me not to tell them what's wrong) says that he came to

her privately and was crying and asking her what is going on between me and my

Nada. She didn't tell him anything and he was saying how he just wished he had

a happy family.

> Now I have never said anything to them but I know my Nada and she probably has

gone to see them and called them numerous times and cried and screamed and

cursed my name saying what a Bitch I am to have left her and that SHE did

nothing wrong. She did the same thing when my Aunt (same one) cut her out of

her life too about 18 years ago. Nada tried to get everyone to pick sides and

say what a bitch my Aunt was for not wanting to be around her own sister and she

must be mental or something. Then if she found out any of us had talked to my

Aunt then we were stabbing my Nada in the back and betraying her. So I can only

imagine this is how she still behaves but she's talking about me now and not my

Aunt.

>

> After that visit and after wanting to tell him for so long and finding out he

wanted to know.....I thought it was time for me to ignore my Aunt and just talk

to him about it. So I wrote him this long letter explaining BPD and what my

childhood was like and why I needed to get away from Nada. I never blamed him

or my Grand Mother for anything in the letter. My main goal when I wrote the

letter was to try and get my Grandfather to understand that he needed to help

Mom (Nada) get some professional help. Well, I never heard back from him and

this recent Christmas was the first year in my life that my Grand Parents didn't

send me a Christmas Card with Money.

> I talked to him today on the phone...they are super hard to get on the phone

because my Grand Mother doesn't like to answer the phone and never calls back.

I asked him if he got that letter about Mom from months ago. He acted nervous

like he didn't want to answer and then finally said Yes, he reads it. Then he

immediately starts saying how he and Mamaw (my Grand Mother) don't want to get

involved or get in between me and Mom's squabble. That they don't want to pick

sides or get involved in anyway. You know I used to admire him too but I really

thought he was more of a man than that. First he assumes I am wanting him to

pick sides...NO!!! This hurts my feelings because he is assuming I am like my

Nada cause that's what she wants them to do. He says he doesn't want to get in

the middle of a fight....NO...as you all know this isn't about just a

misunderstanding or a fight. Then isn't this the whole reason she is so messed

up in the first place because they never wanted to be Parents. Never did never

will! I thought this was a way for him to make things right before he

does...maybe fix some of the problems they caused by not being there for her

during her childhood. He doesn't get it at all and he was sure assuming a lot

about what I meant by writing the letter. I kept trying to tell him on the

phone, NO, that's not what I want you to do, pick sides and be in the middle.

But he wouldn't even let me speak, just kept reiterating that they want NOTHING

TO DO WITH ANY OF IT. He was crying to my Aunt back during our visit that he

wants a happy family and he doesn't understand what's wrong between me and Nada,

but now when given the opportunity to do something about it he just wants to

keep to himself and keep my Grand Mother happy in her little box.

>

> It saddens me that he doesn't know me at all and assumes I am like my Mom. It

saddens me that he was someone I looked up to and thought he was smarter than

that and even though I know he is to blame for screwing up her childhood I

thought as a mature adult he may want to make up for his mistakes or at least

help his daughter just because he loves her. I also know that it was my Grand

Mother who was saying...no no we don't want to get involved and he just does

what she says. If she said, yes lets get them both here and talk to both of

them and get this worked out he would be all for it. So even though I already

knew he was a door mat with my Grand Mother most of that knowledge was only

second hand...I saw it for myself today and it really disappointed me.

>

[Guest guest]

Growinglotusflower, HUGS to you. I can imagine how disappointing it must be to

finally take that big step and get such a hurtful response. But you know if

he'd been willing to " man up " in dealing with your grandmother or mother he's

had decades to do so. Odds are he's become so entrenched in the status quo he

just can't see outside of it and you pointed out things he can't bear to see.

Sorry it turned out that way, but at least now you know.

You got me thinking about my own grandfather who is now passed. He was

definitely dishrag to my grandnada - she was definitely in charge and her

interests always came first. He was a kind and gentle man though to the degree

I knew him, though I realize now I didn't know him that well. I often wonder

what he thought as he saw his two daughters grow up to have unhappy adult lives

- the mental illness with my nada was clear for those with eyes to see but not

obvious. While I'm sure he deserves some blame, it is no doubt my grandmother

who was the greater influence on my nada.

I would guess in your case as well. Unless the father does something really

horrible, it's usually the mother who is in the position to damage the child

more. BUT you can't leave genes out of it. So many people here on this list

have been through horrific things, but have come out amazingly normal. So you

know no matter what the grandparents did there had to be some genetic stuff

happening there too. That's what I tell myself when I get angry at my

grandparents because I'll never really know how much of it was their fault -

they are dead now and the truth with them.

I hope you find some peace and feel better. I had typed " answers " instead of

peace but then realized even though your grandparents are alive they are

unlikely to give you real answers. Peace is the best we can hope for.

>

> Hi group! I haven't been on here in years but today I felt a need to talk to

someone who would understand what happened today and maybe say something to help

me let it go. I haven't talked to my Nada in 3.5 years~ Best 3.5 years of my

life!!!! Well I have wanted many times to tell my Grandparents about BPD and

all that has happened with my Nanda but my Aunt for years has begged me to not

mention it to them. She's says it would just hurt them and they wouldn't be

able to do anything about it anyway. So I listened to her and didn't tell them

for years and years, but it was frustrating for me because I know I want my

Grand children (when I have them) to come to me and talk about any and

everything they want. I want to have a real relationship with my Grand Children

and I wanted to have a real relationship with my Grand Parents too but

everything has always been so superficial with them. I also felt it was in Part

their fault my Mom ended up having BPD because they raised her and were never

good parents to her because my Grand Mother was an Alcoholic and Possible BPD

herself and my Grand Dad did nothing but pamper and take care of my Grand Mother

like she was a Queen. It was all about what my Grand Mother wanted and he bends

over backwards to please her and keep her happy to keep the peace. They

completely ignored my Mom and her sister when they were kids and growing up. I

knew I couldn't be the one to help my Mom with her BPD problems and at times I

felt like my Grandpa might be the only one in the world that might be able to

get through to her to go to therapy and get help because she looks up to him and

admires him. She probably admires him for 2 main reasons. 1 he was smart in

business and 2 she probably wished she could find a guy like him to kiss her ass

forever and ever even when she was being a bitch like my Grandmother usually is.

Anyway those where my 3 reasons why I wanted to tell him...

> 1. He should help her, he's her father and it's his fault she is so messed up,

and because she'll listen to him

> 2. Because I wanted to have an close relationship with him and talk about

real life and not just the weather.

>

> 3. Ohh and because I don't think there is one other person that cares about

her in the whole world other than him so he was her last chance to get help.

>

> Well months ago I went to visit my Grand Parents and after we left my Aunt

(the same one who begs me not to tell them what's wrong) says that he came to

her privately and was crying and asking her what is going on between me and my

Nada. She didn't tell him anything and he was saying how he just wished he had

a happy family.

> Now I have never said anything to them but I know my Nada and she probably has

gone to see them and called them numerous times and cried and screamed and

cursed my name saying what a Bitch I am to have left her and that SHE did

nothing wrong. She did the same thing when my Aunt (same one) cut her out of

her life too about 18 years ago. Nada tried to get everyone to pick sides and

say what a bitch my Aunt was for not wanting to be around her own sister and she

must be mental or something. Then if she found out any of us had talked to my

Aunt then we were stabbing my Nada in the back and betraying her. So I can only

imagine this is how she still behaves but she's talking about me now and not my

Aunt.

>

> After that visit and after wanting to tell him for so long and finding out he

wanted to know.....I thought it was time for me to ignore my Aunt and just talk

to him about it. So I wrote him this long letter explaining BPD and what my

childhood was like and why I needed to get away from Nada. I never blamed him

or my Grand Mother for anything in the letter. My main goal when I wrote the

letter was to try and get my Grandfather to understand that he needed to help

Mom (Nada) get some professional help. Well, I never heard back from him and

this recent Christmas was the first year in my life that my Grand Parents didn't

send me a Christmas Card with Money.

> I talked to him today on the phone...they are super hard to get on the phone

because my Grand Mother doesn't like to answer the phone and never calls back.

I asked him if he got that letter about Mom from months ago. He acted nervous

like he didn't want to answer and then finally said Yes, he reads it. Then he

immediately starts saying how he and Mamaw (my Grand Mother) don't want to get

involved or get in between me and Mom's squabble. That they don't want to pick

sides or get involved in anyway. You know I used to admire him too but I really

thought he was more of a man than that. First he assumes I am wanting him to

pick sides...NO!!! This hurts my feelings because he is assuming I am like my

Nada cause that's what she wants them to do. He says he doesn't want to get in

the middle of a fight....NO...as you all know this isn't about just a

misunderstanding or a fight. Then isn't this the whole reason she is so messed

up in the first place because they never wanted to be Parents. Never did never

will! I thought this was a way for him to make things right before he

does...maybe fix some of the problems they caused by not being there for her

during her childhood. He doesn't get it at all and he was sure assuming a lot

about what I meant by writing the letter. I kept trying to tell him on the

phone, NO, that's not what I want you to do, pick sides and be in the middle.

But he wouldn't even let me speak, just kept reiterating that they want NOTHING

TO DO WITH ANY OF IT. He was crying to my Aunt back during our visit that he

wants a happy family and he doesn't understand what's wrong between me and Nada,

but now when given the opportunity to do something about it he just wants to

keep to himself and keep my Grand Mother happy in her little box.

>

> It saddens me that he doesn't know me at all and assumes I am like my Mom. It

saddens me that he was someone I looked up to and thought he was smarter than

that and even though I know he is to blame for screwing up her childhood I

thought as a mature adult he may want to make up for his mistakes or at least

help his daughter just because he loves her. I also know that it was my Grand

Mother who was saying...no no we don't want to get involved and he just does

what she says. If she said, yes lets get them both here and talk to both of

them and get this worked out he would be all for it. So even though I already

knew he was a door mat with my Grand Mother most of that knowledge was only

second hand...I saw it for myself today and it really disappointed me.

>

[Guest guest]

Growinglotusflower, HUGS to you. I can imagine how disappointing it must be to

finally take that big step and get such a hurtful response. But you know if

he'd been willing to " man up " in dealing with your grandmother or mother he's

had decades to do so. Odds are he's become so entrenched in the status quo he

just can't see outside of it and you pointed out things he can't bear to see.

Sorry it turned out that way, but at least now you know.

You got me thinking about my own grandfather who is now passed. He was

definitely dishrag to my grandnada - she was definitely in charge and her

interests always came first. He was a kind and gentle man though to the degree

I knew him, though I realize now I didn't know him that well. I often wonder

what he thought as he saw his two daughters grow up to have unhappy adult lives

- the mental illness with my nada was clear for those with eyes to see but not

obvious. While I'm sure he deserves some blame, it is no doubt my grandmother

who was the greater influence on my nada.

I would guess in your case as well. Unless the father does something really

horrible, it's usually the mother who is in the position to damage the child

more. BUT you can't leave genes out of it. So many people here on this list

have been through horrific things, but have come out amazingly normal. So you

know no matter what the grandparents did there had to be some genetic stuff

happening there too. That's what I tell myself when I get angry at my

grandparents because I'll never really know how much of it was their fault -

they are dead now and the truth with them.

I hope you find some peace and feel better. I had typed " answers " instead of

peace but then realized even though your grandparents are alive they are

unlikely to give you real answers. Peace is the best we can hope for.

>

> Hi group! I haven't been on here in years but today I felt a need to talk to

someone who would understand what happened today and maybe say something to help

me let it go. I haven't talked to my Nada in 3.5 years~ Best 3.5 years of my

life!!!! Well I have wanted many times to tell my Grandparents about BPD and

all that has happened with my Nanda but my Aunt for years has begged me to not

mention it to them. She's says it would just hurt them and they wouldn't be

able to do anything about it anyway. So I listened to her and didn't tell them

for years and years, but it was frustrating for me because I know I want my

Grand children (when I have them) to come to me and talk about any and

everything they want. I want to have a real relationship with my Grand Children

and I wanted to have a real relationship with my Grand Parents too but

everything has always been so superficial with them. I also felt it was in Part

their fault my Mom ended up having BPD because they raised her and were never

good parents to her because my Grand Mother was an Alcoholic and Possible BPD

herself and my Grand Dad did nothing but pamper and take care of my Grand Mother

like she was a Queen. It was all about what my Grand Mother wanted and he bends

over backwards to please her and keep her happy to keep the peace. They

completely ignored my Mom and her sister when they were kids and growing up. I

knew I couldn't be the one to help my Mom with her BPD problems and at times I

felt like my Grandpa might be the only one in the world that might be able to

get through to her to go to therapy and get help because she looks up to him and

admires him. She probably admires him for 2 main reasons. 1 he was smart in

business and 2 she probably wished she could find a guy like him to kiss her ass

forever and ever even when she was being a bitch like my Grandmother usually is.

Anyway those where my 3 reasons why I wanted to tell him...

> 1. He should help her, he's her father and it's his fault she is so messed up,

and because she'll listen to him

> 2. Because I wanted to have an close relationship with him and talk about

real life and not just the weather.

>

> 3. Ohh and because I don't think there is one other person that cares about

her in the whole world other than him so he was her last chance to get help.

>

> Well months ago I went to visit my Grand Parents and after we left my Aunt

(the same one who begs me not to tell them what's wrong) says that he came to

her privately and was crying and asking her what is going on between me and my

Nada. She didn't tell him anything and he was saying how he just wished he had

a happy family.

> Now I have never said anything to them but I know my Nada and she probably has

gone to see them and called them numerous times and cried and screamed and

cursed my name saying what a Bitch I am to have left her and that SHE did

nothing wrong. She did the same thing when my Aunt (same one) cut her out of

her life too about 18 years ago. Nada tried to get everyone to pick sides and

say what a bitch my Aunt was for not wanting to be around her own sister and she

must be mental or something. Then if she found out any of us had talked to my

Aunt then we were stabbing my Nada in the back and betraying her. So I can only

imagine this is how she still behaves but she's talking about me now and not my

Aunt.

>

> After that visit and after wanting to tell him for so long and finding out he

wanted to know.....I thought it was time for me to ignore my Aunt and just talk

to him about it. So I wrote him this long letter explaining BPD and what my

childhood was like and why I needed to get away from Nada. I never blamed him

or my Grand Mother for anything in the letter. My main goal when I wrote the

letter was to try and get my Grandfather to understand that he needed to help

Mom (Nada) get some professional help. Well, I never heard back from him and

this recent Christmas was the first year in my life that my Grand Parents didn't

send me a Christmas Card with Money.

> I talked to him today on the phone...they are super hard to get on the phone

because my Grand Mother doesn't like to answer the phone and never calls back.

I asked him if he got that letter about Mom from months ago. He acted nervous

like he didn't want to answer and then finally said Yes, he reads it. Then he

immediately starts saying how he and Mamaw (my Grand Mother) don't want to get

involved or get in between me and Mom's squabble. That they don't want to pick

sides or get involved in anyway. You know I used to admire him too but I really

thought he was more of a man than that. First he assumes I am wanting him to

pick sides...NO!!! This hurts my feelings because he is assuming I am like my

Nada cause that's what she wants them to do. He says he doesn't want to get in

the middle of a fight....NO...as you all know this isn't about just a

misunderstanding or a fight. Then isn't this the whole reason she is so messed

up in the first place because they never wanted to be Parents. Never did never

will! I thought this was a way for him to make things right before he

does...maybe fix some of the problems they caused by not being there for her

during her childhood. He doesn't get it at all and he was sure assuming a lot

about what I meant by writing the letter. I kept trying to tell him on the

phone, NO, that's not what I want you to do, pick sides and be in the middle.

But he wouldn't even let me speak, just kept reiterating that they want NOTHING

TO DO WITH ANY OF IT. He was crying to my Aunt back during our visit that he

wants a happy family and he doesn't understand what's wrong between me and Nada,

but now when given the opportunity to do something about it he just wants to

keep to himself and keep my Grand Mother happy in her little box.

>

> It saddens me that he doesn't know me at all and assumes I am like my Mom. It

saddens me that he was someone I looked up to and thought he was smarter than

that and even though I know he is to blame for screwing up her childhood I

thought as a mature adult he may want to make up for his mistakes or at least

help his daughter just because he loves her. I also know that it was my Grand

Mother who was saying...no no we don't want to get involved and he just does

what she says. If she said, yes lets get them both here and talk to both of

them and get this worked out he would be all for it. So even though I already

knew he was a door mat with my Grand Mother most of that knowledge was only

second hand...I saw it for myself today and it really disappointed me.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks ~hugs to you too!

My husband is very good at seeing the big picture and reading people. He

has said for years that My Mom does what she does because none of her peers or

elders stood up to her and just let her get away with all her bad behavior. He

was referring to her parents and other members of the family that were her age

or older. He knows I was a child and didn't expect me to know how to stand up

to her but now as an adult he would always try and encourage me to tell her how

I felt and stand up to her, CALL HER OUT, not let her get away with the way she

treated people. He gets very angry when he hears stories from my past that NO

One in the family did anything about HER. So that's were I get my feelings that

my Grand Parents were a big part of the problem. I was too afraid to stand up to

her even as an Adult. I have done it now but only in e-mails. Maybe they were

scared of her too? If our whole family would come together and make her go to

therapy and get her to understand that she has problems that needs to be fixed I

think we could make an impact....but since No one will stand up, I know she will

never do it on her own.

I know there has to be some genetic stuff in our family too because I see BPD in

my Grand Mother, although I am not 100% sure because honestly I just don't know

that much about her, they keep to themselves and she is a hermit for sure. They

don't like visitors or I would be spending a lot more time with them. I hear

stories about my Great Grand Mother too that has red flags for BPD and I have

even heard stories about my Great Great Grand Father that sound like BPD. that

is all 4 generations above me....that scares me because I am like 99% sure i

don't have it so why did it stop with me? Did I just care more than them and

not want to act like them or genetically I didn't get it?

Your Grand Dad sounds like mine, very much a Gentle Man. I always thought mine

was so sweet but his daughters both have no respect for that part of him because

they saw how he let my Grand Mother treat him like garbage and he did nothing

but smile. I feel sorry for him but always wondered why he let that happen, not

only to himself but to the kids.

I pray that in Heaven we can get all these questions answered and that we will

all be mentally healthy at that time and be able to talk about it as a family.

> >

> > Hi group! I haven't been on here in years but today I felt a need to talk

to someone who would understand what happened today and maybe say something to

help me let it go. I haven't talked to my Nada in 3.5 years~ Best 3.5 years of

my life!!!! Well I have wanted many times to tell my Grandparents about BPD and

all that has happened with my Nanda but my Aunt for years has begged me to not

mention it to them. She's says it would just hurt them and they wouldn't be

able to do anything about it anyway. So I listened to her and didn't tell them

for years and years, but it was frustrating for me because I know I want my

Grand children (when I have them) to come to me and talk about any and

everything they want. I want to have a real relationship with my Grand Children

and I wanted to have a real relationship with my Grand Parents too but

everything has always been so superficial with them. I also felt it was in Part

their fault my Mom ended up having BPD because they raised her and were never

good parents to her because my Grand Mother was an Alcoholic and Possible BPD

herself and my Grand Dad did nothing but pamper and take care of my Grand Mother

like she was a Queen. It was all about what my Grand Mother wanted and he bends

over backwards to please her and keep her happy to keep the peace. They

completely ignored my Mom and her sister when they were kids and growing up. I

knew I couldn't be the one to help my Mom with her BPD problems and at times I

felt like my Grandpa might be the only one in the world that might be able to

get through to her to go to therapy and get help because she looks up to him and

admires him. She probably admires him for 2 main reasons. 1 he was smart in

business and 2 she probably wished she could find a guy like him to kiss her ass

forever and ever even when she was being a bitch like my Grandmother usually is.

Anyway those where my 3 reasons why I wanted to tell him...

> > 1. He should help her, he's her father and it's his fault she is so messed

up, and because she'll listen to him

> > 2. Because I wanted to have an close relationship with him and talk about

real life and not just the weather.

> >

> > 3. Ohh and because I don't think there is one other person that cares about

her in the whole world other than him so he was her last chance to get help.

> >

> > Well months ago I went to visit my Grand Parents and after we left my Aunt

(the same one who begs me not to tell them what's wrong) says that he came to

her privately and was crying and asking her what is going on between me and my

Nada. She didn't tell him anything and he was saying how he just wished he had

a happy family.

> > Now I have never said anything to them but I know my Nada and she probably

has gone to see them and called them numerous times and cried and screamed and

cursed my name saying what a Bitch I am to have left her and that SHE did

nothing wrong. She did the same thing when my Aunt (same one) cut her out of

her life too about 18 years ago. Nada tried to get everyone to pick sides and

say what a bitch my Aunt was for not wanting to be around her own sister and she

must be mental or something. Then if she found out any of us had talked to my

Aunt then we were stabbing my Nada in the back and betraying her. So I can only

imagine this is how she still behaves but she's talking about me now and not my

Aunt.

> >

> > After that visit and after wanting to tell him for so long and finding out

he wanted to know.....I thought it was time for me to ignore my Aunt and just

talk to him about it. So I wrote him this long letter explaining BPD and what

my childhood was like and why I needed to get away from Nada. I never blamed

him or my Grand Mother for anything in the letter. My main goal when I wrote

the letter was to try and get my Grandfather to understand that he needed to

help Mom (Nada) get some professional help. Well, I never heard back from him

and this recent Christmas was the first year in my life that my Grand Parents

didn't send me a Christmas Card with Money.

> > I talked to him today on the phone...they are super hard to get on the phone

because my Grand Mother doesn't like to answer the phone and never calls back.

I asked him if he got that letter about Mom from months ago. He acted nervous

like he didn't want to answer and then finally said Yes, he reads it. Then he

immediately starts saying how he and Mamaw (my Grand Mother) don't want to get

involved or get in between me and Mom's squabble. That they don't want to pick

sides or get involved in anyway. You know I used to admire him too but I really

thought he was more of a man than that. First he assumes I am wanting him to

pick sides...NO!!! This hurts my feelings because he is assuming I am like my

Nada cause that's what she wants them to do. He says he doesn't want to get in

the middle of a fight....NO...as you all know this isn't about just a

misunderstanding or a fight. Then isn't this the whole reason she is so messed

up in the first place because they never wanted to be Parents. Never did never

will! I thought this was a way for him to make things right before he

does...maybe fix some of the problems they caused by not being there for her

during her childhood. He doesn't get it at all and he was sure assuming a lot

about what I meant by writing the letter. I kept trying to tell him on the

phone, NO, that's not what I want you to do, pick sides and be in the middle.

But he wouldn't even let me speak, just kept reiterating that they want NOTHING

TO DO WITH ANY OF IT. He was crying to my Aunt back during our visit that he

wants a happy family and he doesn't understand what's wrong between me and Nada,

but now when given the opportunity to do something about it he just wants to

keep to himself and keep my Grand Mother happy in her little box.

> >

> > It saddens me that he doesn't know me at all and assumes I am like my Mom.

It saddens me that he was someone I looked up to and thought he was smarter than

that and even though I know he is to blame for screwing up her childhood I

thought as a mature adult he may want to make up for his mistakes or at least

help his daughter just because he loves her. I also know that it was my Grand

Mother who was saying...no no we don't want to get involved and he just does

what she says. If she said, yes lets get them both here and talk to both of

them and get this worked out he would be all for it. So even though I already

knew he was a door mat with my Grand Mother most of that knowledge was only

second hand...I saw it for myself today and it really disappointed me.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks ~hugs to you too!

My husband is very good at seeing the big picture and reading people. He

has said for years that My Mom does what she does because none of her peers or

elders stood up to her and just let her get away with all her bad behavior. He

was referring to her parents and other members of the family that were her age

or older. He knows I was a child and didn't expect me to know how to stand up

to her but now as an adult he would always try and encourage me to tell her how

I felt and stand up to her, CALL HER OUT, not let her get away with the way she

treated people. He gets very angry when he hears stories from my past that NO

One in the family did anything about HER. So that's were I get my feelings that

my Grand Parents were a big part of the problem. I was too afraid to stand up to

her even as an Adult. I have done it now but only in e-mails. Maybe they were

scared of her too? If our whole family would come together and make her go to

therapy and get her to understand that she has problems that needs to be fixed I

think we could make an impact....but since No one will stand up, I know she will

never do it on her own.

I know there has to be some genetic stuff in our family too because I see BPD in

my Grand Mother, although I am not 100% sure because honestly I just don't know

that much about her, they keep to themselves and she is a hermit for sure. They

don't like visitors or I would be spending a lot more time with them. I hear

stories about my Great Grand Mother too that has red flags for BPD and I have

even heard stories about my Great Great Grand Father that sound like BPD. that

is all 4 generations above me....that scares me because I am like 99% sure i

don't have it so why did it stop with me? Did I just care more than them and

not want to act like them or genetically I didn't get it?

Your Grand Dad sounds like mine, very much a Gentle Man. I always thought mine

was so sweet but his daughters both have no respect for that part of him because

they saw how he let my Grand Mother treat him like garbage and he did nothing

but smile. I feel sorry for him but always wondered why he let that happen, not

only to himself but to the kids.

I pray that in Heaven we can get all these questions answered and that we will

all be mentally healthy at that time and be able to talk about it as a family.

> >

> > Hi group! I haven't been on here in years but today I felt a need to talk

to someone who would understand what happened today and maybe say something to

help me let it go. I haven't talked to my Nada in 3.5 years~ Best 3.5 years of

my life!!!! Well I have wanted many times to tell my Grandparents about BPD and

all that has happened with my Nanda but my Aunt for years has begged me to not

mention it to them. She's says it would just hurt them and they wouldn't be

able to do anything about it anyway. So I listened to her and didn't tell them

for years and years, but it was frustrating for me because I know I want my

Grand children (when I have them) to come to me and talk about any and

everything they want. I want to have a real relationship with my Grand Children

and I wanted to have a real relationship with my Grand Parents too but

everything has always been so superficial with them. I also felt it was in Part

their fault my Mom ended up having BPD because they raised her and were never

good parents to her because my Grand Mother was an Alcoholic and Possible BPD

herself and my Grand Dad did nothing but pamper and take care of my Grand Mother

like she was a Queen. It was all about what my Grand Mother wanted and he bends

over backwards to please her and keep her happy to keep the peace. They

completely ignored my Mom and her sister when they were kids and growing up. I

knew I couldn't be the one to help my Mom with her BPD problems and at times I

felt like my Grandpa might be the only one in the world that might be able to

get through to her to go to therapy and get help because she looks up to him and

admires him. She probably admires him for 2 main reasons. 1 he was smart in

business and 2 she probably wished she could find a guy like him to kiss her ass

forever and ever even when she was being a bitch like my Grandmother usually is.

Anyway those where my 3 reasons why I wanted to tell him...

> > 1. He should help her, he's her father and it's his fault she is so messed

up, and because she'll listen to him

> > 2. Because I wanted to have an close relationship with him and talk about

real life and not just the weather.

> >

> > 3. Ohh and because I don't think there is one other person that cares about

her in the whole world other than him so he was her last chance to get help.

> >

> > Well months ago I went to visit my Grand Parents and after we left my Aunt

(the same one who begs me not to tell them what's wrong) says that he came to

her privately and was crying and asking her what is going on between me and my

Nada. She didn't tell him anything and he was saying how he just wished he had

a happy family.

> > Now I have never said anything to them but I know my Nada and she probably

has gone to see them and called them numerous times and cried and screamed and

cursed my name saying what a Bitch I am to have left her and that SHE did

nothing wrong. She did the same thing when my Aunt (same one) cut her out of

her life too about 18 years ago. Nada tried to get everyone to pick sides and

say what a bitch my Aunt was for not wanting to be around her own sister and she

must be mental or something. Then if she found out any of us had talked to my

Aunt then we were stabbing my Nada in the back and betraying her. So I can only

imagine this is how she still behaves but she's talking about me now and not my

Aunt.

> >

> > After that visit and after wanting to tell him for so long and finding out

he wanted to know.....I thought it was time for me to ignore my Aunt and just

talk to him about it. So I wrote him this long letter explaining BPD and what

my childhood was like and why I needed to get away from Nada. I never blamed

him or my Grand Mother for anything in the letter. My main goal when I wrote

the letter was to try and get my Grandfather to understand that he needed to

help Mom (Nada) get some professional help. Well, I never heard back from him

and this recent Christmas was the first year in my life that my Grand Parents

didn't send me a Christmas Card with Money.

> > I talked to him today on the phone...they are super hard to get on the phone

because my Grand Mother doesn't like to answer the phone and never calls back.

I asked him if he got that letter about Mom from months ago. He acted nervous

like he didn't want to answer and then finally said Yes, he reads it. Then he

immediately starts saying how he and Mamaw (my Grand Mother) don't want to get

involved or get in between me and Mom's squabble. That they don't want to pick

sides or get involved in anyway. You know I used to admire him too but I really

thought he was more of a man than that. First he assumes I am wanting him to

pick sides...NO!!! This hurts my feelings because he is assuming I am like my

Nada cause that's what she wants them to do. He says he doesn't want to get in

the middle of a fight....NO...as you all know this isn't about just a

misunderstanding or a fight. Then isn't this the whole reason she is so messed

up in the first place because they never wanted to be Parents. Never did never

will! I thought this was a way for him to make things right before he

does...maybe fix some of the problems they caused by not being there for her

during her childhood. He doesn't get it at all and he was sure assuming a lot

about what I meant by writing the letter. I kept trying to tell him on the

phone, NO, that's not what I want you to do, pick sides and be in the middle.

But he wouldn't even let me speak, just kept reiterating that they want NOTHING

TO DO WITH ANY OF IT. He was crying to my Aunt back during our visit that he

wants a happy family and he doesn't understand what's wrong between me and Nada,

but now when given the opportunity to do something about it he just wants to

keep to himself and keep my Grand Mother happy in her little box.

> >

> > It saddens me that he doesn't know me at all and assumes I am like my Mom.

It saddens me that he was someone I looked up to and thought he was smarter than

that and even though I know he is to blame for screwing up her childhood I

thought as a mature adult he may want to make up for his mistakes or at least

help his daughter just because he loves her. I also know that it was my Grand

Mother who was saying...no no we don't want to get involved and he just does

what she says. If she said, yes lets get them both here and talk to both of

them and get this worked out he would be all for it. So even though I already

knew he was a door mat with my Grand Mother most of that knowledge was only

second hand...I saw it for myself today and it really disappointed me.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks ~hugs to you too!

My husband is very good at seeing the big picture and reading people. He

has said for years that My Mom does what she does because none of her peers or

elders stood up to her and just let her get away with all her bad behavior. He

was referring to her parents and other members of the family that were her age

or older. He knows I was a child and didn't expect me to know how to stand up

to her but now as an adult he would always try and encourage me to tell her how

I felt and stand up to her, CALL HER OUT, not let her get away with the way she

treated people. He gets very angry when he hears stories from my past that NO

One in the family did anything about HER. So that's were I get my feelings that

my Grand Parents were a big part of the problem. I was too afraid to stand up to

her even as an Adult. I have done it now but only in e-mails. Maybe they were

scared of her too? If our whole family would come together and make her go to

therapy and get her to understand that she has problems that needs to be fixed I

think we could make an impact....but since No one will stand up, I know she will

never do it on her own.

I know there has to be some genetic stuff in our family too because I see BPD in

my Grand Mother, although I am not 100% sure because honestly I just don't know

that much about her, they keep to themselves and she is a hermit for sure. They

don't like visitors or I would be spending a lot more time with them. I hear

stories about my Great Grand Mother too that has red flags for BPD and I have

even heard stories about my Great Great Grand Father that sound like BPD. that

is all 4 generations above me....that scares me because I am like 99% sure i

don't have it so why did it stop with me? Did I just care more than them and

not want to act like them or genetically I didn't get it?

Your Grand Dad sounds like mine, very much a Gentle Man. I always thought mine

was so sweet but his daughters both have no respect for that part of him because

they saw how he let my Grand Mother treat him like garbage and he did nothing

but smile. I feel sorry for him but always wondered why he let that happen, not

only to himself but to the kids.

I pray that in Heaven we can get all these questions answered and that we will

all be mentally healthy at that time and be able to talk about it as a family.

> >

> > Hi group! I haven't been on here in years but today I felt a need to talk

to someone who would understand what happened today and maybe say something to

help me let it go. I haven't talked to my Nada in 3.5 years~ Best 3.5 years of

my life!!!! Well I have wanted many times to tell my Grandparents about BPD and

all that has happened with my Nanda but my Aunt for years has begged me to not

mention it to them. She's says it would just hurt them and they wouldn't be

able to do anything about it anyway. So I listened to her and didn't tell them

for years and years, but it was frustrating for me because I know I want my

Grand children (when I have them) to come to me and talk about any and

everything they want. I want to have a real relationship with my Grand Children

and I wanted to have a real relationship with my Grand Parents too but

everything has always been so superficial with them. I also felt it was in Part

their fault my Mom ended up having BPD because they raised her and were never

good parents to her because my Grand Mother was an Alcoholic and Possible BPD

herself and my Grand Dad did nothing but pamper and take care of my Grand Mother

like she was a Queen. It was all about what my Grand Mother wanted and he bends

over backwards to please her and keep her happy to keep the peace. They

completely ignored my Mom and her sister when they were kids and growing up. I

knew I couldn't be the one to help my Mom with her BPD problems and at times I

felt like my Grandpa might be the only one in the world that might be able to

get through to her to go to therapy and get help because she looks up to him and

admires him. She probably admires him for 2 main reasons. 1 he was smart in

business and 2 she probably wished she could find a guy like him to kiss her ass

forever and ever even when she was being a bitch like my Grandmother usually is.

Anyway those where my 3 reasons why I wanted to tell him...

> > 1. He should help her, he's her father and it's his fault she is so messed

up, and because she'll listen to him

> > 2. Because I wanted to have an close relationship with him and talk about

real life and not just the weather.

> >

> > 3. Ohh and because I don't think there is one other person that cares about

her in the whole world other than him so he was her last chance to get help.

> >

> > Well months ago I went to visit my Grand Parents and after we left my Aunt

(the same one who begs me not to tell them what's wrong) says that he came to

her privately and was crying and asking her what is going on between me and my

Nada. She didn't tell him anything and he was saying how he just wished he had

a happy family.

> > Now I have never said anything to them but I know my Nada and she probably

has gone to see them and called them numerous times and cried and screamed and

cursed my name saying what a Bitch I am to have left her and that SHE did

nothing wrong. She did the same thing when my Aunt (same one) cut her out of

her life too about 18 years ago. Nada tried to get everyone to pick sides and

say what a bitch my Aunt was for not wanting to be around her own sister and she

must be mental or something. Then if she found out any of us had talked to my

Aunt then we were stabbing my Nada in the back and betraying her. So I can only

imagine this is how she still behaves but she's talking about me now and not my

Aunt.

> >

> > After that visit and after wanting to tell him for so long and finding out

he wanted to know.....I thought it was time for me to ignore my Aunt and just

talk to him about it. So I wrote him this long letter explaining BPD and what

my childhood was like and why I needed to get away from Nada. I never blamed

him or my Grand Mother for anything in the letter. My main goal when I wrote

the letter was to try and get my Grandfather to understand that he needed to

help Mom (Nada) get some professional help. Well, I never heard back from him

and this recent Christmas was the first year in my life that my Grand Parents

didn't send me a Christmas Card with Money.

> > I talked to him today on the phone...they are super hard to get on the phone

because my Grand Mother doesn't like to answer the phone and never calls back.

I asked him if he got that letter about Mom from months ago. He acted nervous

like he didn't want to answer and then finally said Yes, he reads it. Then he

immediately starts saying how he and Mamaw (my Grand Mother) don't want to get

involved or get in between me and Mom's squabble. That they don't want to pick

sides or get involved in anyway. You know I used to admire him too but I really

thought he was more of a man than that. First he assumes I am wanting him to

pick sides...NO!!! This hurts my feelings because he is assuming I am like my

Nada cause that's what she wants them to do. He says he doesn't want to get in

the middle of a fight....NO...as you all know this isn't about just a

misunderstanding or a fight. Then isn't this the whole reason she is so messed

up in the first place because they never wanted to be Parents. Never did never

will! I thought this was a way for him to make things right before he

does...maybe fix some of the problems they caused by not being there for her

during her childhood. He doesn't get it at all and he was sure assuming a lot

about what I meant by writing the letter. I kept trying to tell him on the

phone, NO, that's not what I want you to do, pick sides and be in the middle.

But he wouldn't even let me speak, just kept reiterating that they want NOTHING

TO DO WITH ANY OF IT. He was crying to my Aunt back during our visit that he

wants a happy family and he doesn't understand what's wrong between me and Nada,

but now when given the opportunity to do something about it he just wants to

keep to himself and keep my Grand Mother happy in her little box.

> >

> > It saddens me that he doesn't know me at all and assumes I am like my Mom.

It saddens me that he was someone I looked up to and thought he was smarter than

that and even though I know he is to blame for screwing up her childhood I

thought as a mature adult he may want to make up for his mistakes or at least

help his daughter just because he loves her. I also know that it was my Grand

Mother who was saying...no no we don't want to get involved and he just does

what she says. If she said, yes lets get them both here and talk to both of

them and get this worked out he would be all for it. So even though I already

knew he was a door mat with my Grand Mother most of that knowledge was only

second hand...I saw it for myself today and it really disappointed me.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi GLF,

I think that's what happened in my bpd/npd mom's background: NObody ever just

stood up to her and told her to knock it off and stop behaving like a

2-year-old! I think my mom (I call her " nada " here, for " not a mom " ) terrorized

her family of origin with her anger and was the family bully, then she married

my dad and she terrorized him.

Then she terrorized my little Sister and me.

Oddly enough, many members here mention that their dad is (or was) a kind, sweet

but passive and enabling man. Mine was. Seems that that type of man (a rescuer

type?) is drawn to marry a tempestuous, domineering drama-queen type of woman.

The weird part in my nada's case is that there is no history in her family of

origin of mental illness or personality disorder on either side! I've met lots

of my extended/distant relatives and my great aunts and uncles (when I was a

kid) and they were/are just almost boringly nice and easygoing, responsible

family-folk, back as far as I've heard. No " colorful " characters at all. So go

figure!

Its like trying to swim up a waterfall for us kids of a domineering,

controlling, perfectionist, raging mother to reach a level of adult maturity and

personal power to stand up to her (particularly when she switches back and forth

from being or seeming to be kind and loving to raging and punitive) but, it can

be done.

-Annie

>

> Thanks ~hugs to you too!

> My husband is very good at seeing the big picture and reading people. He

has said for years that My Mom does what she does because none of her peers or

elders stood up to her and just let her get away with all her bad behavior. He

was referring to her parents and other members of the family that were her age

or older. He knows I was a child and didn't expect me to know how to stand up

to her but now as an adult he would always try and encourage me to tell her how

I felt and stand up to her, CALL HER OUT, not let her get away with the way she

treated people. He gets very angry when he hears stories from my past that NO

One in the family did anything about HER. So that's were I get my feelings that

my Grand Parents were a big part of the problem. I was too afraid to stand up to

her even as an Adult. I have done it now but only in e-mails. Maybe they were

scared of her too? If our whole family would come together and make her go to

therapy and get her to understand that she has problems that needs to be fixed I

think we could make an impact....but since No one will stand up, I know she will

never do it on her own.

>

> I know there has to be some genetic stuff in our family too because I see BPD

in my Grand Mother, although I am not 100% sure because honestly I just don't

know that much about her, they keep to themselves and she is a hermit for sure.

They don't like visitors or I would be spending a lot more time with them. I

hear stories about my Great Grand Mother too that has red flags for BPD and I

have even heard stories about my Great Great Grand Father that sound like BPD.

that is all 4 generations above me....that scares me because I am like 99% sure

i don't have it so why did it stop with me? Did I just care more than them and

not want to act like them or genetically I didn't get it?

>

> Your Grand Dad sounds like mine, very much a Gentle Man. I always thought mine

was so sweet but his daughters both have no respect for that part of him because

they saw how he let my Grand Mother treat him like garbage and he did nothing

but smile. I feel sorry for him but always wondered why he let that happen, not

only to himself but to the kids.

> I pray that in Heaven we can get all these questions answered and that we will

all be mentally healthy at that time and be able to talk about it as a family.

>