Re: Things I learned from Nada.

[Guest guest]

I can add to this list, pretty much in the same vein as everyone else:

1. You're a fool if you marry for love

2. You can love others but only on their terms

3. You better hide who you really are because no one will every really love

you.

4. How to float checks

5. How to blow your welfare money on drinks and then just beg the church for

your shortage when it comes time to pay rent

6. Do whatever it takes to get a man, then do whatever you want afterwards,

they never stay.

7. People are only as good as their bank accounts are full

8. Children are trophies when they do well, a burden when they get in trouble.

9. Manipulating people is easy to get what you want.

10. Its okay if that man is sick and twisted and beats you as long as he's got

money you can spend.

11. Unnecessary surgeries get you lots of attention from wealthy doctors and

lots of prescription pain medications.

Okay, but some of you know me and my silver lining searching, I can't leave it

like this...here is what else she taught me without trying:

1. Manipulating people through guilt and shame is wrong. It attacks them at

the level of the being instead of just their behavior.

2. Children are precious and wonderful gifts every single day and in every way

whether they are doing well or struggling.

3. Love should never be given with conditions or strings.

4. Real mommies don't ever hurt their children and if they do, they grab them

up in their arms, hold them tight, kiss them on the cheek, wipe away their

tears, look them in the eyes and say I'm sorry and I love you more than words.

5. You're a fool if you marry for any reason but real love.

6. Revenge is sick and twisted and is never my job

7. Holding a grudge is like forcing yourself to repeatedly swallow thick and

toxic poison.

8. Working at something you're good at has it's own rewards and even better

when you get paid for it.

9. Welfare should be a temporary hand up not something you demand and are

simply entitled to in order to support your alcohol and drug addictions.

10. The people in your life are there at your choice. They can be gifts or

curses, regardless, make your behavior of the highest integrity and the gifts

will always be supportive of you and the curses will disappear.

11. Family is not a title that allows you to smash the boundaries of another.

12. Respect for all is one of the magical keys to a happy life.

13. Self love, no matter what anyone says to you or about you is the most

important thing to hold because when you hold this - you rise above unethical

and despicable behavior, you treat people right and you allow the goodness and

love in life to find you and stay.

[Guest guest]

I can add to this list, pretty much in the same vein as everyone else:

1. You're a fool if you marry for love

2. You can love others but only on their terms

3. You better hide who you really are because no one will every really love

you.

4. How to float checks

5. How to blow your welfare money on drinks and then just beg the church for

your shortage when it comes time to pay rent

6. Do whatever it takes to get a man, then do whatever you want afterwards,

they never stay.

7. People are only as good as their bank accounts are full

8. Children are trophies when they do well, a burden when they get in trouble.

9. Manipulating people is easy to get what you want.

10. Its okay if that man is sick and twisted and beats you as long as he's got

money you can spend.

11. Unnecessary surgeries get you lots of attention from wealthy doctors and

lots of prescription pain medications.

Okay, but some of you know me and my silver lining searching, I can't leave it

like this...here is what else she taught me without trying:

1. Manipulating people through guilt and shame is wrong. It attacks them at

the level of the being instead of just their behavior.

2. Children are precious and wonderful gifts every single day and in every way

whether they are doing well or struggling.

3. Love should never be given with conditions or strings.

4. Real mommies don't ever hurt their children and if they do, they grab them

up in their arms, hold them tight, kiss them on the cheek, wipe away their

tears, look them in the eyes and say I'm sorry and I love you more than words.

5. You're a fool if you marry for any reason but real love.

6. Revenge is sick and twisted and is never my job

7. Holding a grudge is like forcing yourself to repeatedly swallow thick and

toxic poison.

8. Working at something you're good at has it's own rewards and even better

when you get paid for it.

9. Welfare should be a temporary hand up not something you demand and are

simply entitled to in order to support your alcohol and drug addictions.

10. The people in your life are there at your choice. They can be gifts or

curses, regardless, make your behavior of the highest integrity and the gifts

will always be supportive of you and the curses will disappear.

11. Family is not a title that allows you to smash the boundaries of another.

12. Respect for all is one of the magical keys to a happy life.

13. Self love, no matter what anyone says to you or about you is the most

important thing to hold because when you hold this - you rise above unethical

and despicable behavior, you treat people right and you allow the goodness and

love in life to find you and stay.

[Guest guest]

Wow; how amazing.  Hugs to you, Girlscout................

Alastriona

> >We spend a lot of time here sharing the horrors of being a

> >KO. However, on the other side of the coin, there must have

> >been a few lessons we got that no one else could have provided

> >(lest I say, " Imagined? " ) So let's share them here... and for

> >fun - add the approximate age.

> >

> >Things I learned from Nada.

> >

> >1) How to roll a joint (7.)

> >

> >2) How to hide milk from an abusive boyfriend (6.)

> >

> >3) How to balance a checkbook and pay bills (8.)

> >

> >4) How to identify most types of drugs (8.)

> >

> >5) How to tell if a building is abandoned so you can sleep in

> >it (5.)

> >

> >6) Wyoming is not a good place to live. In a tent. In

> >December (5.)

> >

> >7) Moving with no notice is possible (4, 5, 6, 7, 10.)

> >

> >8) Keep commitments is optional (always.)

> >

> >You get the idea.

> >

> >Next.

> >

> >Lynnette

>

> --

> Katrina

>

> 

>

[Guest guest]

Wow; how amazing.  Hugs to you, Girlscout................

Alastriona

> >We spend a lot of time here sharing the horrors of being a

> >KO. However, on the other side of the coin, there must have

> >been a few lessons we got that no one else could have provided

> >(lest I say, " Imagined? " ) So let's share them here... and for

> >fun - add the approximate age.

> >

> >Things I learned from Nada.

> >

> >1) How to roll a joint (7.)

> >

> >2) How to hide milk from an abusive boyfriend (6.)

> >

> >3) How to balance a checkbook and pay bills (8.)

> >

> >4) How to identify most types of drugs (8.)

> >

> >5) How to tell if a building is abandoned so you can sleep in

> >it (5.)

> >

> >6) Wyoming is not a good place to live. In a tent. In

> >December (5.)

> >

> >7) Moving with no notice is possible (4, 5, 6, 7, 10.)

> >

> >8) Keep commitments is optional (always.)

> >

> >You get the idea.

> >

> >Next.

> >

> >Lynnette

>

> --

> Katrina

>

> 

>

[Guest guest]

Wow; how amazing.  Hugs to you, Girlscout................

Alastriona

> >We spend a lot of time here sharing the horrors of being a

> >KO. However, on the other side of the coin, there must have

> >been a few lessons we got that no one else could have provided

> >(lest I say, " Imagined? " ) So let's share them here... and for

> >fun - add the approximate age.

> >

> >Things I learned from Nada.

> >

> >1) How to roll a joint (7.)

> >

> >2) How to hide milk from an abusive boyfriend (6.)

> >

> >3) How to balance a checkbook and pay bills (8.)

> >

> >4) How to identify most types of drugs (8.)

> >

> >5) How to tell if a building is abandoned so you can sleep in

> >it (5.)

> >

> >6) Wyoming is not a good place to live. In a tent. In

> >December (5.)

> >

> >7) Moving with no notice is possible (4, 5, 6, 7, 10.)

> >

> >8) Keep commitments is optional (always.)

> >

> >You get the idea.

> >

> >Next.

> >

> >Lynnette

>

> --

> Katrina

>

> 

>

[Guest guest]

So much of what has already been said resonates with me, here are some specifics

from my upbringing:

1. How to build a strong relationship with your children - basically think of

what my mother would say in a particular situation and say the exact opposite.

1a. How to raise happy, confident, well-adjusted children - think of how my

mother would act in a particular situation and do the exact opposite.

1b. How to give unconditional love and show your children that they are your

universe, deserving of all the love and care you can muster - do not tell them

that they owe you for cleaning their diapers and feeding them (like my mother

does, still to this day), do not threaten to throw them out the next time they

dare to get sick (like my mother did from as early an age as I can really

remember my illnesses - at least 4-5), do not spend all your free time

neglecting your children (like my mother did, at least after I turned 4 or so),

do not lie to your children (like my mother did), do not tell them that they

have ruined your life by having a " psychopath for a father " , do not tell them

that they have the best mother in the universe while they are the biggest

ingrates in the universe.

2. How to be a good friend and maintain long-term friendships - don't think like

my mother (someone is all good or all bad) at any time.

3. How to be happy - do not live like my mother, i.e. do not hold grudges, do

not think that your way is the only way, do not offer unsolicited " advice " , do

not try to boss everyone around, do not burden others with your moods/emotions,

do not believe that the world revolves around you, do not take on the victim

role.

4. How to be empathetic - do not look at the world only through your own prism

like my mother, develop and refine the ability to understand people in their own

way.

5. How to be a superb diplomat and deal with difficult people and situations -

thanks to lifelong training with my mother and father. I, as many of us here,

are probably overqualified to run the UN and we could probably solve the

Mid-East conflict in less than a week (I jest, I jest, but you know what I

mean!).

6. How to have a harmonious relationship and household - do not hold pick on

every little thing like my mother does.

7. How to command respect - do not act like my mother by repeatedly and

militantly demanding that people should respect you, constantly looking for

large and small excuses to assert that someone has " disrespected " you, then

demanding that they apologize to you and grovel, then reminding them of their

" horrible disrespectful transgressions " for years to come despite the apologies,

while at the same time treating everyone like garbage, calling people names

without pause or hesitation, disrespecting all around you.

8. How to survive in the most volatile of situations and how to compartmentalize

- lifelong conditioning/training by my parents.

This list could go on forever, but I have a mini-test tomorrow, so I better get

back to studying...

Best wishes to all of us on this road to happiness (or at least freedom from

BPD-induced misery).

-Arianna

>

> This thread makes me laugh but kinda sad at the same time. I spent

Thanksgiving by myself this year but cooked myself the full meal, just for fun.

I must have called my nada (before I started calling her that) like 20 times to

ask turkey-related questions. She basically taught me to cook a turkey over the

phone, and it was sort of fun. But then again, lately I've only been exposed to

" happy " nada. Aside from Christmas, that is.

>

> So here's my list:

>

> 1) First of all I second the: how to clean a room after it's already been

cleaned. I once caught nada vacuuming the dining room (which no one goes into)

10 minutes after I had vacuumed it, as part of my daily chores, and she was well

aware that I had just done so. I was maybe 11 and I confronted her about it. " I

just vacuumed in there! " And she didn't really have a response, but kept

vacuuming anyway.

>

> 2) How to succeed at your career (because work success is the only way you

define yourself) and neglect everything else while you're at it, so much so that

your only daughter, who you've painted all good, doesn't know a thing about you,

and develops a close, and healthy, relationship with her dad, that you resent,

and later do everything you can to destroy.

>

> 3) How to never give up on something you don't really need and that you'll

never really use: like the degree in accounting that she focused on for 20 years

in night school (when nada isn't really that good at math--I helped her with her

algebra night school homework when I was in 10th grade). Then after 20 years,

when she finally graduated, she married some guy and moved to a rural area where

they don't need accountants. Did I mention that she had 20 years of experience

in the insurance industry? And I translated this whole thing, rather than

compulsive, as not giving up--so I majored in dance, then got an MFA in dance,

all because I was an underdog (I did have talent but had more talent elsewhere)

when I could have really challenged myself and excelled in another field.

>

> 4) How to drive a wedge and use triangulation to ruin other people's

relationships.

>

> 5) How to make someone feel like shit for being good at something.

>

> 6) How to make someone feel depressed for you when they are telling you that

they accomplished something--hello, promotion that I got last spring that turned

into her not being able to find a better job.

>

> 7) How to sell a house: because she was too busy working, I had to clean and

be ready for the realtor--I sold the house we lived in at age 14.

>

> 8) How to pout and make everyone else feel like shit.

>

> 9) How to use a tampon--oh wait, sorry, that was self-learned.

>

> 10) How to compartmentalize and make everyone think you are perfect even

though you are completely falling apart inside. Yeah, I could do without this

one.

>

> 12) How to monitor someone's mental health to make sure they don't commit

suicide.

>

> 11) That selection via genetic process wouldn't really be all too bad a

thing...Just saying...sometimes, I wonder.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

So much of what has already been said resonates with me, here are some specifics

from my upbringing:

1. How to build a strong relationship with your children - basically think of

what my mother would say in a particular situation and say the exact opposite.

1a. How to raise happy, confident, well-adjusted children - think of how my

mother would act in a particular situation and do the exact opposite.

1b. How to give unconditional love and show your children that they are your

universe, deserving of all the love and care you can muster - do not tell them

that they owe you for cleaning their diapers and feeding them (like my mother

does, still to this day), do not threaten to throw them out the next time they

dare to get sick (like my mother did from as early an age as I can really

remember my illnesses - at least 4-5), do not spend all your free time

neglecting your children (like my mother did, at least after I turned 4 or so),

do not lie to your children (like my mother did), do not tell them that they

have ruined your life by having a " psychopath for a father " , do not tell them

that they have the best mother in the universe while they are the biggest

ingrates in the universe.

2. How to be a good friend and maintain long-term friendships - don't think like

my mother (someone is all good or all bad) at any time.

3. How to be happy - do not live like my mother, i.e. do not hold grudges, do

not think that your way is the only way, do not offer unsolicited " advice " , do

not try to boss everyone around, do not burden others with your moods/emotions,

do not believe that the world revolves around you, do not take on the victim

role.

4. How to be empathetic - do not look at the world only through your own prism

like my mother, develop and refine the ability to understand people in their own

way.

5. How to be a superb diplomat and deal with difficult people and situations -

thanks to lifelong training with my mother and father. I, as many of us here,

are probably overqualified to run the UN and we could probably solve the

Mid-East conflict in less than a week (I jest, I jest, but you know what I

mean!).

6. How to have a harmonious relationship and household - do not hold pick on

every little thing like my mother does.

7. How to command respect - do not act like my mother by repeatedly and

militantly demanding that people should respect you, constantly looking for

large and small excuses to assert that someone has " disrespected " you, then

demanding that they apologize to you and grovel, then reminding them of their

" horrible disrespectful transgressions " for years to come despite the apologies,

while at the same time treating everyone like garbage, calling people names

without pause or hesitation, disrespecting all around you.

8. How to survive in the most volatile of situations and how to compartmentalize

- lifelong conditioning/training by my parents.

This list could go on forever, but I have a mini-test tomorrow, so I better get

back to studying...

Best wishes to all of us on this road to happiness (or at least freedom from

BPD-induced misery).

-Arianna

>

> This thread makes me laugh but kinda sad at the same time. I spent

Thanksgiving by myself this year but cooked myself the full meal, just for fun.

I must have called my nada (before I started calling her that) like 20 times to

ask turkey-related questions. She basically taught me to cook a turkey over the

phone, and it was sort of fun. But then again, lately I've only been exposed to

" happy " nada. Aside from Christmas, that is.

>

> So here's my list:

>

> 1) First of all I second the: how to clean a room after it's already been

cleaned. I once caught nada vacuuming the dining room (which no one goes into)

10 minutes after I had vacuumed it, as part of my daily chores, and she was well

aware that I had just done so. I was maybe 11 and I confronted her about it. " I

just vacuumed in there! " And she didn't really have a response, but kept

vacuuming anyway.

>

> 2) How to succeed at your career (because work success is the only way you

define yourself) and neglect everything else while you're at it, so much so that

your only daughter, who you've painted all good, doesn't know a thing about you,

and develops a close, and healthy, relationship with her dad, that you resent,

and later do everything you can to destroy.

>

> 3) How to never give up on something you don't really need and that you'll

never really use: like the degree in accounting that she focused on for 20 years

in night school (when nada isn't really that good at math--I helped her with her

algebra night school homework when I was in 10th grade). Then after 20 years,

when she finally graduated, she married some guy and moved to a rural area where

they don't need accountants. Did I mention that she had 20 years of experience

in the insurance industry? And I translated this whole thing, rather than

compulsive, as not giving up--so I majored in dance, then got an MFA in dance,

all because I was an underdog (I did have talent but had more talent elsewhere)

when I could have really challenged myself and excelled in another field.

>

> 4) How to drive a wedge and use triangulation to ruin other people's

relationships.

>

> 5) How to make someone feel like shit for being good at something.

>

> 6) How to make someone feel depressed for you when they are telling you that

they accomplished something--hello, promotion that I got last spring that turned

into her not being able to find a better job.

>

> 7) How to sell a house: because she was too busy working, I had to clean and

be ready for the realtor--I sold the house we lived in at age 14.

>

> 8) How to pout and make everyone else feel like shit.

>

> 9) How to use a tampon--oh wait, sorry, that was self-learned.

>

> 10) How to compartmentalize and make everyone think you are perfect even

though you are completely falling apart inside. Yeah, I could do without this

one.

>

> 12) How to monitor someone's mental health to make sure they don't commit

suicide.

>

> 11) That selection via genetic process wouldn't really be all too bad a

thing...Just saying...sometimes, I wonder.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

So much of what has already been said resonates with me, here are some specifics

from my upbringing:

1. How to build a strong relationship with your children - basically think of

what my mother would say in a particular situation and say the exact opposite.

1a. How to raise happy, confident, well-adjusted children - think of how my

mother would act in a particular situation and do the exact opposite.

1b. How to give unconditional love and show your children that they are your

universe, deserving of all the love and care you can muster - do not tell them

that they owe you for cleaning their diapers and feeding them (like my mother

does, still to this day), do not threaten to throw them out the next time they

dare to get sick (like my mother did from as early an age as I can really

remember my illnesses - at least 4-5), do not spend all your free time

neglecting your children (like my mother did, at least after I turned 4 or so),

do not lie to your children (like my mother did), do not tell them that they

have ruined your life by having a " psychopath for a father " , do not tell them

that they have the best mother in the universe while they are the biggest

ingrates in the universe.

2. How to be a good friend and maintain long-term friendships - don't think like

my mother (someone is all good or all bad) at any time.

3. How to be happy - do not live like my mother, i.e. do not hold grudges, do

not think that your way is the only way, do not offer unsolicited " advice " , do

not try to boss everyone around, do not burden others with your moods/emotions,

do not believe that the world revolves around you, do not take on the victim

role.

4. How to be empathetic - do not look at the world only through your own prism

like my mother, develop and refine the ability to understand people in their own

way.

5. How to be a superb diplomat and deal with difficult people and situations -

thanks to lifelong training with my mother and father. I, as many of us here,

are probably overqualified to run the UN and we could probably solve the

Mid-East conflict in less than a week (I jest, I jest, but you know what I

mean!).

6. How to have a harmonious relationship and household - do not hold pick on

every little thing like my mother does.

7. How to command respect - do not act like my mother by repeatedly and

militantly demanding that people should respect you, constantly looking for

large and small excuses to assert that someone has " disrespected " you, then

demanding that they apologize to you and grovel, then reminding them of their

" horrible disrespectful transgressions " for years to come despite the apologies,

while at the same time treating everyone like garbage, calling people names

without pause or hesitation, disrespecting all around you.

8. How to survive in the most volatile of situations and how to compartmentalize

- lifelong conditioning/training by my parents.

This list could go on forever, but I have a mini-test tomorrow, so I better get

back to studying...

Best wishes to all of us on this road to happiness (or at least freedom from

BPD-induced misery).

-Arianna

>

> This thread makes me laugh but kinda sad at the same time. I spent

Thanksgiving by myself this year but cooked myself the full meal, just for fun.

I must have called my nada (before I started calling her that) like 20 times to

ask turkey-related questions. She basically taught me to cook a turkey over the

phone, and it was sort of fun. But then again, lately I've only been exposed to

" happy " nada. Aside from Christmas, that is.

>

> So here's my list:

>

> 1) First of all I second the: how to clean a room after it's already been

cleaned. I once caught nada vacuuming the dining room (which no one goes into)

10 minutes after I had vacuumed it, as part of my daily chores, and she was well

aware that I had just done so. I was maybe 11 and I confronted her about it. " I

just vacuumed in there! " And she didn't really have a response, but kept

vacuuming anyway.

>

> 2) How to succeed at your career (because work success is the only way you

define yourself) and neglect everything else while you're at it, so much so that

your only daughter, who you've painted all good, doesn't know a thing about you,

and develops a close, and healthy, relationship with her dad, that you resent,

and later do everything you can to destroy.

>

> 3) How to never give up on something you don't really need and that you'll

never really use: like the degree in accounting that she focused on for 20 years

in night school (when nada isn't really that good at math--I helped her with her

algebra night school homework when I was in 10th grade). Then after 20 years,

when she finally graduated, she married some guy and moved to a rural area where

they don't need accountants. Did I mention that she had 20 years of experience

in the insurance industry? And I translated this whole thing, rather than

compulsive, as not giving up--so I majored in dance, then got an MFA in dance,

all because I was an underdog (I did have talent but had more talent elsewhere)

when I could have really challenged myself and excelled in another field.

>

> 4) How to drive a wedge and use triangulation to ruin other people's

relationships.

>

> 5) How to make someone feel like shit for being good at something.

>

> 6) How to make someone feel depressed for you when they are telling you that

they accomplished something--hello, promotion that I got last spring that turned

into her not being able to find a better job.

>

> 7) How to sell a house: because she was too busy working, I had to clean and

be ready for the realtor--I sold the house we lived in at age 14.

>

> 8) How to pout and make everyone else feel like shit.

>

> 9) How to use a tampon--oh wait, sorry, that was self-learned.

>

> 10) How to compartmentalize and make everyone think you are perfect even

though you are completely falling apart inside. Yeah, I could do without this

one.

>

> 12) How to monitor someone's mental health to make sure they don't commit

suicide.

>

> 11) That selection via genetic process wouldn't really be all too bad a

thing...Just saying...sometimes, I wonder.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I could resonate so well with a lot of this but of course as we all do I have a

list of my own.

1. To never, ever make it all about ME and what I want - to please others

before myself even if I have to bite my tongue until it bleeds to make them

happy.

2. To never clean my home or apartment from top to bottom every day as if it

were the only thing in the world that mattered and let everything and everyone

in my life go to hell.

3. To never ever cheat on a committed relationship partner (this isn't a bad

thing certainly but now I absolutely detest people who admit they did and think

nothing of it because I saw what my nada cheating on my father did to him).

4. To have empathy and sympathy for people who are less fortunate than I am in

any way because I will never forget at the age of 8 being pulled into her

station wagon by my long blond hair and slapped across the face because nada

caught me giving a white hairband to a little girl in my class whose family was

so poor she didn't have one and her hair would fall in her face when she played

basketball. I had two white hairbands in the package and I didn't need two so I

slipped it into my coat pocket and gave it to her. Nada then told me, " you

stupid little bitch! I thought I taught you better than to give something to

ANYONE who can't give YOU more than you can give them! "

5. To never see other people as all good or all bad - people having positive

and negative traits - not just negative ones or positive ones.

6. To never judge someone on how much they weigh and not to be superficial.

Nada is very superficial and only values women who are 'thin and good looking'

and with men it doesn't matter as long as they have a lot of money.

7. To never live entirely for the man in your life if you have one to the

exclusion of everyone else in your life. Nada never did that with my father who

she considered a stupid piece of trash/slave and only the means of obtaining

material possessions for her by working all the hours he could get at time and a

half or double time so she had the time and money to do as she liked. This

included cheating on him with her boss who had more $ and power than my father

and buying all the material things you can think of for her and I. As I look

back on it though I didn't realize it at the time of course it was only because

I was an extension of HER so I had to wear the finest clothes as she did and be

given singing, dancing and saxophone lessons privately so I could become 'the

first woman in Lawrence Welk's band on TV' and THEN she'd be proud of me. Of

course I never did so she wasn't proud of me.

Of course my stepfather wasn't her ONLY lover - she convinced my father right

before I was born to allow a millionaire elderly executive in our town who lived

on a small island in Connecticut as his primary residence to board with us when

he was in our town on business and not in their small plant in Ct. because my

father would get laid off every winter at his job and we 'needed the money with

me coming along', but little did my father know that she was his mistress prior

to him moving in! He became my godfather and now she claims is my 'real

father'. He WAS like a father to me for years growing up because my own father

was always working to give her more and more and more 'things' and provide for

us to make her happy but nothing every did of course. She lied to my father and

told him she was getting half of what she was from my godfather for 'room and

board' for years and had more than enough money from him alone for household

expenses but she hoarded the $ and my father was none the wiser. Of course my

godfather would buy me all my clothes, but nada would tell my father that HIS

money bought them. When my godfather died when I was 13, she went beserk and

grabbed my stepfather as her lover when I was 15. My father caught he when I

was two weeks from my 16th birthday and threw her out leaving me there with a

father who didn't know his own daughter.

8. That quality time with loved ones is one of the most important things you

can give to a child or other loved one. (See above as my nada made sure my

father never had that with me).

9. That I am not the dumbest person on the planet; the ugliest; the fattest;

the most despicable who no one likes while SHE is 'perfect'.

I could go on and on also but these nine are important.

[Guest guest]

.. Nada then told me, " you

stupid little bitch! I thought I taught you better than to give something to

ANYONE who can't give YOU more than you can give them! "

WOW! I have often felt my Nada thought that way but she never said it out loud

like yours did....this sorta makes me feel like my Nada probably does feel that

way too. It explains a lot!

What a sweet person you are too to think about that little girl and want to give

her that!!!

>

> I could resonate so well with a lot of this but of course as we all do I have

a list of my own.

>

> 1. To never, ever make it all about ME and what I want - to please others

before myself even if I have to bite my tongue until it bleeds to make them

happy.

>

> 2. To never clean my home or apartment from top to bottom every day as if it

were the only thing in the world that mattered and let everything and everyone

in my life go to hell.

>

> 3. To never ever cheat on a committed relationship partner (this isn't a bad

thing certainly but now I absolutely detest people who admit they did and think

nothing of it because I saw what my nada cheating on my father did to him).

>

> 4. To have empathy and sympathy for people who are less fortunate than I am

in any way because I will never forget at the age of 8 being pulled into her

station wagon by my long blond hair and slapped across the face because nada

caught me giving a white hairband to a little girl in my class whose family was

so poor she didn't have one and her hair would fall in her face when she played

basketball. I had two white hairbands in the package and I didn't need two so I

slipped it into my coat pocket and gave it to her. Nada then told me, " you

stupid little bitch! I thought I taught you better than to give something to

ANYONE who can't give YOU more than you can give them! "

>

> 5. To never see other people as all good or all bad - people having positive

and negative traits - not just negative ones or positive ones.

>

> 6. To never judge someone on how much they weigh and not to be superficial.

Nada is very superficial and only values women who are 'thin and good looking'

and with men it doesn't matter as long as they have a lot of money.

>

> 7. To never live entirely for the man in your life if you have one to the

exclusion of everyone else in your life. Nada never did that with my father who

she considered a stupid piece of trash/slave and only the means of obtaining

material possessions for her by working all the hours he could get at time and a

half or double time so she had the time and money to do as she liked. This

included cheating on him with her boss who had more $ and power than my father

and buying all the material things you can think of for her and I. As I look

back on it though I didn't realize it at the time of course it was only because

I was an extension of HER so I had to wear the finest clothes as she did and be

given singing, dancing and saxophone lessons privately so I could become 'the

first woman in Lawrence Welk's band on TV' and THEN she'd be proud of me. Of

course I never did so she wasn't proud of me.

>

> Of course my stepfather wasn't her ONLY lover - she convinced my father right

before I was born to allow a millionaire elderly executive in our town who lived

on a small island in Connecticut as his primary residence to board with us when

he was in our town on business and not in their small plant in Ct. because my

father would get laid off every winter at his job and we 'needed the money with

me coming along', but little did my father know that she was his mistress prior

to him moving in! He became my godfather and now she claims is my 'real

father'. He WAS like a father to me for years growing up because my own father

was always working to give her more and more and more 'things' and provide for

us to make her happy but nothing every did of course. She lied to my father and

told him she was getting half of what she was from my godfather for 'room and

board' for years and had more than enough money from him alone for household

expenses but she hoarded the $ and my father was none the wiser. Of course my

godfather would buy me all my clothes, but nada would tell my father that HIS

money bought them. When my godfather died when I was 13, she went beserk and

grabbed my stepfather as her lover when I was 15. My father caught he when I

was two weeks from my 16th birthday and threw her out leaving me there with a

father who didn't know his own daughter.

>

> 8. That quality time with loved ones is one of the most important things you

can give to a child or other loved one. (See above as my nada made sure my

father never had that with me).

>

> 9. That I am not the dumbest person on the planet; the ugliest; the fattest;

the most despicable who no one likes while SHE is 'perfect'.

>

> I could go on and on also but these nine are important.

>

>