Guest guest Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Annie, I find it fascinating that you wrote... " it seems to manifest itself most severely within close, personal relationships. Only the closest family members, particularly the children of these individuals receive the most abuse. " In my effort to deal more effectively, (safely for me) I have tried to set up some rules with my nada. This past weekend I informed her I expected to be treated (at a minimum)with the respect she would give a total stranger. It sounded odd to her, and even odd to my own ears at the time...but she does treat total strangers almost appropriately (unless they do something she feels is a personal slight). It is sad that my aspiration is to be treated as well as a stranger, but that would represent a huge improvement. obviously I still have a lot of work to do...with my self...I don't aspire to change her...just my reactions/interactions with her. Thanks for your thoughts and insight. I rushed home from work to check in and see what had been written..this forum is truly a gift. > > > > I am new to this group. > > I am female 60 yo. > > My mother is BP, and while I have been able to manage our relationship..or at least I think so, maybe I have been kidding myself. > > But she has recently been much more demanding, accusatory, raging, gaslighting, threats of self-harm and generally manipulative the closer my son & dtr in law get to the delivery of my first grandchild. > > She is 86, while my enabling father has been deceased for 6 years. He is now a 'saint' in her recollection, although never was when he was alive. > > > > > > First-I wonder, why I turned out so different from her. > > I am very empathetic, see the world in shades of grey. My two children, are mentally healthy and did not even know my mother was BP until they reached the age of 20-25. I told her in very clear terms when I was pregnant with my first that if she behaved badly she would have no contact with my child, later children. And she held it together. > > So my second question is, how is that possible? If this is mental illness, that she has no control over, how could she hold it together when around them. Granted, she still acted out with my father, around me and my husband and with her friends, but if she truly could not control herself, how did she manage this? > > > > Thanks in advance for any insight. > > talk2me2 > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Mia, Your comment of " my nada was always far worse with her rages & > rants if she had to keep it together to keep up appearances " resonated, painfully so. In a conversation with my enabling father he said it was like living with a volcano, that you didn't know when it would erupt..but if was too long in between eruptions, then it would be worse. He continued that he wanted to apologize to me because in order to make sure she did not hold it in too long he used to set me up to set her off. That way her rants were less intense. I was 16. and shocked. It never occurred to me that was what was going on. And I have not been able to forgive him that. I wish I could. > > Hi talk2me. Nice to meet you! Welcome. > > I think BPs are good at holding it together when it suits them. But > generally when they do (in my experience anyway), they are worse when they > do rage & go off. Nada is a word many of us use to talk about our BPD > mothers. as in " nada real mother " ... if you say it out loud it sounds like > " not a real mother " . Anyway, my nada was always far worse with her rages & > rants if she had to keep it together to keep up appearances. It's very > bizarre if you ask me, but it does seem to be a common theme here with our > nadas & fadas (fada = BPD father). > > Like you, I also wonder how on earth I managed to escape the crazy. I'm much > different from my nada... always have been. I think that made her even more > angry at me, because I was not like her. I'm my own person and she tried so > hard to keep me from being me, but we are who we are. I don't know if God > exists or not, but I do pray & thank him every day that I am not like her. > > I also seem to be noticing a pattern from reading other people's posts. It > seems many of the BPD parents get worse in their older age. I'm sorry you > have to deal with that, it must be very draining & frustrating. > > Anyhow, welcome to the group. I'm sorry you had a need to find us, but glad > that you did. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Mia, Your comment of " my nada was always far worse with her rages & > rants if she had to keep it together to keep up appearances " resonated, painfully so. In a conversation with my enabling father he said it was like living with a volcano, that you didn't know when it would erupt..but if was too long in between eruptions, then it would be worse. He continued that he wanted to apologize to me because in order to make sure she did not hold it in too long he used to set me up to set her off. That way her rants were less intense. I was 16. and shocked. It never occurred to me that was what was going on. And I have not been able to forgive him that. I wish I could. > > Hi talk2me. Nice to meet you! Welcome. > > I think BPs are good at holding it together when it suits them. But > generally when they do (in my experience anyway), they are worse when they > do rage & go off. Nada is a word many of us use to talk about our BPD > mothers. as in " nada real mother " ... if you say it out loud it sounds like > " not a real mother " . Anyway, my nada was always far worse with her rages & > rants if she had to keep it together to keep up appearances. It's very > bizarre if you ask me, but it does seem to be a common theme here with our > nadas & fadas (fada = BPD father). > > Like you, I also wonder how on earth I managed to escape the crazy. I'm much > different from my nada... always have been. I think that made her even more > angry at me, because I was not like her. I'm my own person and she tried so > hard to keep me from being me, but we are who we are. I don't know if God > exists or not, but I do pray & thank him every day that I am not like her. > > I also seem to be noticing a pattern from reading other people's posts. It > seems many of the BPD parents get worse in their older age. I'm sorry you > have to deal with that, it must be very draining & frustrating. > > Anyhow, welcome to the group. I'm sorry you had a need to find us, but glad > that you did. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Mia, Your comment of " my nada was always far worse with her rages & > rants if she had to keep it together to keep up appearances " resonated, painfully so. In a conversation with my enabling father he said it was like living with a volcano, that you didn't know when it would erupt..but if was too long in between eruptions, then it would be worse. He continued that he wanted to apologize to me because in order to make sure she did not hold it in too long he used to set me up to set her off. That way her rants were less intense. I was 16. and shocked. It never occurred to me that was what was going on. And I have not been able to forgive him that. I wish I could. > > Hi talk2me. Nice to meet you! Welcome. > > I think BPs are good at holding it together when it suits them. But > generally when they do (in my experience anyway), they are worse when they > do rage & go off. Nada is a word many of us use to talk about our BPD > mothers. as in " nada real mother " ... if you say it out loud it sounds like > " not a real mother " . Anyway, my nada was always far worse with her rages & > rants if she had to keep it together to keep up appearances. It's very > bizarre if you ask me, but it does seem to be a common theme here with our > nadas & fadas (fada = BPD father). > > Like you, I also wonder how on earth I managed to escape the crazy. I'm much > different from my nada... always have been. I think that made her even more > angry at me, because I was not like her. I'm my own person and she tried so > hard to keep me from being me, but we are who we are. I don't know if God > exists or not, but I do pray & thank him every day that I am not like her. > > I also seem to be noticing a pattern from reading other people's posts. It > seems many of the BPD parents get worse in their older age. I'm sorry you > have to deal with that, it must be very draining & frustrating. > > Anyhow, welcome to the group. I'm sorry you had a need to find us, but glad > that you did. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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