My Day

[Guest guest]

I'm going to get this, no matter what it takes, and I am evolving to keep

health rather than weight in the forefront of my mind. I apologize for the

length of this, but I need to make mental effort to attach words to what's

happening inside me to get some clarity here.

After several days of immersing myself in reading, listening to CDs, exercising,

etc. re. listening to my body's nourishment needs, and actually doing pretty

well with eating according to appetite, I came back to work for the first day

after the holidays to a room full of leftover chocolates and chips, and

" breakfast in the lounge " announcements over the intercom. In my mind, it almost

felt like I walked into the building and people started pelting me with food.

BUT I walked into the lounge, looked at the " buffet " , and left because I'd

already eaten breakfast, was not hungry. It was good stuff but only one thing

appealed to me. I decided to forego the lunch I'd brought and eat that one thing

instead WHEN LUNCHTIME CAME, which I did, supplemented with fruit for nutrients.

Then the candy...I did eat some of it on my break, but not the huge amounts I

would have in the past. After I ate a little, I couldn't bring myself to throw

it away, but I did give it away. I got rid of it, and that was that. It actually

did not taste that good, kind of like a ball of waxy fat of an unpalatable

consistency, after the real food I'd been eating. It was disappointing in a way.

So why did I feel compelled, which I did, to keep eating after the first bite?

Hmmm...

This is where I usually stop thinking about it because it feels overwhelming to

try to get clarity on what the source of the compulsion is. In part, I believe

it's related to the attitude about food that was handed to me as a child, which

was that good food is to die for. Food was more important than relationships

because we were a farm family. Food was our sustenance. Food was love and eating

food prepared for you was showing love. Also when we had nothing else we had

food. There was the attitude that if you didn't eat something, you were really

missing out, and yes, that's pretty much what I feel when I'm hit up with " treat

yourself " sorts of food. I read ahead into the next workbook chapter, which

talks about wanting food because it is there being a compulsion the same as it

is for those who have a compulsion to repeatedly wash their hands, which I've

heard of and wondered how anyone could possibly want to do that repeatedly. I

had never thought of what I do with food as comparable to that. But thinking of

that comparison somehow helped me to get through the candy today by realizing

that I don't have to want it, that it's not even normal to want it just because

it's there, to want it to the point that I can't stop thinking about it when I'm

not even hungry. It also helped when a " normal eater " passing by in the hall

said " I had a piece so I'm good for the day. " It's like an epiphany that eveyone

doesn't feel the constant urge to eat. So I just let it go and felt only relief.

Now there are 3 more bags of candy left, which I'm going to give away tomorrow.

Why can't I just throw it away? Because somebody paid good money for it, and

money I never throw away? I'm sitting here typing and getting hungry, but it's

not that I want. I really want to go home and have the soup that's already made.

For the first time in my life, something like that is what I really feel the

need to eat. That is a really good kind of hunger.