Re: Do you ever think you hate her?

January 30, 2011

Standing ovation! YOU GOT MAD!!!

Took me 1 1/2 years of weekly therapy to get mad. To BE angry! I was so sucked

clean of MY authentic emotions to what SHE does that I didn't know I had the

right to be angry at her lifelong violations!

THIS IS HUGE!!!!

First thing my therapist said to me after the BPD thing came out on week 3 was,

" What concerns me most is you have NO anger. You should be VERY angry... you

are ENTITLED to be ANGRY! We'll start there.... "

It took a long, long time to get there.

You're on your way!

Congrats!

Lynnette

>

> Sometimes I think of the things she has said and done to me--nada, that

is--and I just feel like saying. I hate her.

>

> When I planned to go visit her for Christmas, I asked her and planned it out

months ahead of time. But most importantly, I asked her if it was a good time

for her. She had been begging me to visit for years.

>

> Whenever she comes to visit my brother, SIL, and nephews, she doesn't bother

telling me until after she books her flight, then sends me her itinerary and

expects me to drop everything to spend time with her, and rent a car and drive

40 miles round trip to spend an hour with her when she decides it's not prime

grandson time.

>

> I confronted her about it the first time she did it and we had a huge fight.

Then she did again the next year, and her response to me was " Guess what,

? It's not all about you " ! Well, duh. If it was even a little about me you

would confer with me to ask me if it was a good time of year. So my response to

her was " I know it's not all about me. But if you are planning on visiting with

me, then you should be figuring out with me when is a good time to do that and

if I'm even able to at that time of year. " The time she had chosen was really

bad for me. I was working long hours at work and it was right before the opening

of our new galleries in a new building (huge gala and other events and press

conferences I had to be present for, etc.) and I had other things planned and

going on as well. I also responded, " have a nice trip. I probably won't be able

to see you since you didn't consult me at all about when you would be in town

and I have already a lot of things on my plate at that time. "

>

> After she completed making her plans and such she sends me an email saying, " I

hope that you'll be able to take time from your busy schedule to spend a day

with me, stepdad, and stepbro. "

>

> It doesn't have to be all about me, but if she expects to see me, then

shouldn't it be a little about me?

>

> I don't know. Lately I have felt like I should allow myself to feel the anger

that I feel. And frankly I'm feeling like I hate her for screwing with my mind,

my emotions, and my mental health. I hate her for turning my Christmas into a

nightmare and for all the nightmares I have every night. I don't care if she has

a disorder. She won't seek help, so I can't have that much compassion for her.

And frankly, I feel like I should call CPS on her and my stepfather because I am

so worried for the mental health of my stepbrother. But that would certainly get

me cast out from all of my family. And nada would never forgive me. But do I

care?

>

January 30, 2011

I agree! It is a big step to be able to consciously feel anger that has been

repressed as " bad " for a lifetime.

Its probably anger and hurt feelings. It *does* hurt to not be treated as an

equal in one's family, as though your time and your job are not important at

all. It hurts to never be consulted ahead of time whether or not any particular

dates are good for you, and merely told when to appear.

It *isn't* fair. And it hurts even more when you've asked politely to be

included in the planning and are ignored repeatedly. That would hurt anyone's

feelings, and make anyone angry.

I'll add my congrats for accessing your authentic anger as well.

(If you want to visit your brother and his family, maybe you could do that on

your own without nada? Is that a possibility?)

-Annie

>

> Standing ovation! YOU GOT MAD!!!

>

> Took me 1 1/2 years of weekly therapy to get mad. To BE angry! I was so

sucked clean of MY authentic emotions to what SHE does that I didn't know I had

the right to be angry at her lifelong violations!

>

> THIS IS HUGE!!!!

>

> First thing my therapist said to me after the BPD thing came out on week 3

was, " What concerns me most is you have NO anger. You should be VERY angry...

you are ENTITLED to be ANGRY! We'll start there.... "

>

> It took a long, long time to get there.

>

> You're on your way!

>

> Congrats!

>

> Lynnette

January 31, 2011

I definitely hate her negative behaviors, and when she's acting like that...

yes, I can admit to myself that I hate her.

What I hate even more is that nobody ever stood up to her, really.

Nada would verbally attack her own sister, and her sister would just stand there

and take it for a while, silently, and then walk away while nada was still

reaming her a new anal orifice. My aunt's husband never confronted my nada and

told her to knock it off. I never saw *any* other adult tell my nada off. She

had them all cowed.

Dad would get goaded into fights with nada (her tactic is to pick at you, pick

at you, pick at you until you defend yourself) but instead of just saying,

" Enough is enough; you go get therapy and learn how to behave like an adult or

I'm leaving you and I'm taking the girls with me " (a real consequence!) he'd

just leave the house when the yelling and screaming would escalate and give her

time to cool off. (Then, her target having escaped, nada would like as not turn

her volcanic wrath on Sister and me. Gee, thanks dad.)

And there are NO minor children on this planet who are capable of giving a

parent a boundary and a firm consequence. You know any 4-year-olds who are able

to look nada in the eye and say, " You hit me with that thing again and I'm

calling CPS, lady; AND my lawyer. " Yeah, right.

My theory is that even IF the explosive rage-tantrum never was under my nada's

conscious control (due to emotional dysregulation) guess what? It *resulted* in

the foo walking on eggshells around her to avoid triggering another one!

My nada is intelligent; it would quickly become obvious to her as a child/young

person that a very keen weapon had been handed to her; her rage was a method of

controlling other people. So, actually being *rewarded* for allowing her rage

to erupt unabated just made nada less inclined to even *try* to control it. Why

should she? She had her foo catering to her because of it. Then she married my

dad, who for his own reasons was determined to remain married til death, which

he did. The circumstances of my nada's life *encouraged* her to act out the way

she does.

However, its now a new era. The vitriolic, insulting, hateful acting-out

behaviors are not tolerated any longer. We'll just have to see how it goes.

-Annie

>

> I hated nada my entire life. Every decision I ever made was to ensure I would

not become anything like her and ran to counseling the first time I heard her

words coming out of my mouth towards my own child.

> I argued with her daily when I lived at home, trying to get her to admit she

was wrong. Never happened. At 27 I got into Alanon and learned to " accept the

things I cannot change " and stopped arguing with her, but I ended up being a

doormat for the next 20 years, for I neglected the part of the Serenity Prayer

that says " Courage to change the things I can " . In the last three years I've

set boundaries and its paying off. I even blew up at Nada last fall and said

some long-withheld things and it seemed to put her in her place. She's been

walking on eggshells around me and it feels good that the tables have turned.

Enough is enough!

>

January 31, 2011

Ah, that's sad that brother became a flying monkey. That's one of the worst

things a nada can do to her family in my opinion is to drive her children apart

from each other. She can do this by favoring one and scapegoating another, or

by subtly keeping her children in competition with each other for her favors.

This kind of manipulative mind-f**king can create life-long jealousy and

resentment between the siblings even if none of them have personality disorder.

Its just so freaking narcissistic of a nada to do that, and so freaking

reprehensible.

-Annie

>

> Annie,

>

> Just to clarify, nada lives out of state. Brother lives one city away from me.

Yes, I used to visit him on my own a lot until he turned into a flying monkey.

Now I don't visit him. The problem was nada making plans to come visit " us " (he

and I both) when she was really just making plans to visit him, and I'm supposed

to just appear at some odd hour when her grandkids are asleep and she has

nothing better to do.This wasn't about including me in going to visit, it was

about her talking to me before she books travel, etc., and comes to town

expecting me to be able to drop everything and wait on her.

>

January 31, 2011

Ah, that's sad that brother became a flying monkey. That's one of the worst

things a nada can do to her family in my opinion is to drive her children apart

from each other. She can do this by favoring one and scapegoating another, or

by subtly keeping her children in competition with each other for her favors.

This kind of manipulative mind-f**king can create life-long jealousy and

resentment between the siblings even if none of them have personality disorder.

Its just so freaking narcissistic of a nada to do that, and so freaking

reprehensible.

-Annie

>

> Annie,

>

> Just to clarify, nada lives out of state. Brother lives one city away from me.

Yes, I used to visit him on my own a lot until he turned into a flying monkey.

Now I don't visit him. The problem was nada making plans to come visit " us " (he

and I both) when she was really just making plans to visit him, and I'm supposed

to just appear at some odd hour when her grandkids are asleep and she has

nothing better to do.This wasn't about including me in going to visit, it was

about her talking to me before she books travel, etc., and comes to town

expecting me to be able to drop everything and wait on her.

>

January 31, 2011

Ah, that's sad that brother became a flying monkey. That's one of the worst

things a nada can do to her family in my opinion is to drive her children apart

from each other. She can do this by favoring one and scapegoating another, or

by subtly keeping her children in competition with each other for her favors.

This kind of manipulative mind-f**king can create life-long jealousy and

resentment between the siblings even if none of them have personality disorder.

Its just so freaking narcissistic of a nada to do that, and so freaking

reprehensible.

-Annie

>

> Annie,

>

> Just to clarify, nada lives out of state. Brother lives one city away from me.

Yes, I used to visit him on my own a lot until he turned into a flying monkey.

Now I don't visit him. The problem was nada making plans to come visit " us " (he

and I both) when she was really just making plans to visit him, and I'm supposed

to just appear at some odd hour when her grandkids are asleep and she has

nothing better to do.This wasn't about including me in going to visit, it was

about her talking to me before she books travel, etc., and comes to town

expecting me to be able to drop everything and wait on her.

>

January 31, 2011

I think that you should give yourself permission to feel any way you want about

her and not care one slight little bit about what she or anyone else would think

about your feelings.

It makes me incredulous when nada attacks with her ridiculous, far-out, totally

outlandish accusations. Her latest tactic is trying to use psyhcology. She

knows I clued the family in to her psycho-twisted delusional behavior. She

tried a tactic that hurt me deeply as a child. She tells me, " there you go

again, making up stories just to get sympathy. sympathy isn't love you idiot. "

It's so funny that she said those exact words because that is what she does. I

could care less if my family gives me sympathy or not. What I do care about is

nada inflicting more pain than is necessary. My sole intent in cluing them in

is to warn them. If they ignore me, they can pay the price but they will do so

only after having been warned by me.

When nada says these words, I hate her. She used them once before. My

alcoholic dad was driving me insane when I was 16 and I found another place to

live as a teen and she destroyed that chance by telling my friend's mother that

I was a pathological Liar and that make up stories to get people's sympathy. I

was dying inside from dad's abuse, dying inside from nada's bs and the one

chance I had to get free, she destroyed by attacking my character. You bet I

hated that lying, no good desperate evil monster of a woman! But I don't hate

her today. She'd have to matter more to me in order to get my hate and she just

doesn't rate that high. I love her but I'm kind of over her games and drama and

guilt and shame! she's on her own. I'm free finally!

Let yourself feel whatever you feel. Give yourself permission as I said. It's

okay to be you and feel what you feel. Love yourself enough to give yourself

that!

Blessings!

jaie