Re: Do you ever think you hate her?

[Guest guest]

Standing ovation! YOU GOT MAD!!!

Took me 1 1/2 years of weekly therapy to get mad. To BE angry! I was so sucked

clean of MY authentic emotions to what SHE does that I didn't know I had the

right to be angry at her lifelong violations!

THIS IS HUGE!!!!

First thing my therapist said to me after the BPD thing came out on week 3 was,

" What concerns me most is you have NO anger. You should be VERY angry... you

are ENTITLED to be ANGRY! We'll start there.... "

It took a long, long time to get there.

You're on your way!

Congrats!

Lynnette

>

> Sometimes I think of the things she has said and done to me--nada, that

is--and I just feel like saying. I hate her.

>

> When I planned to go visit her for Christmas, I asked her and planned it out

months ahead of time. But most importantly, I asked her if it was a good time

for her. She had been begging me to visit for years.

>

> Whenever she comes to visit my brother, SIL, and nephews, she doesn't bother

telling me until after she books her flight, then sends me her itinerary and

expects me to drop everything to spend time with her, and rent a car and drive

40 miles round trip to spend an hour with her when she decides it's not prime

grandson time.

>

> I confronted her about it the first time she did it and we had a huge fight.

Then she did again the next year, and her response to me was " Guess what,

? It's not all about you " ! Well, duh. If it was even a little about me you

would confer with me to ask me if it was a good time of year. So my response to

her was " I know it's not all about me. But if you are planning on visiting with

me, then you should be figuring out with me when is a good time to do that and

if I'm even able to at that time of year. " The time she had chosen was really

bad for me. I was working long hours at work and it was right before the opening

of our new galleries in a new building (huge gala and other events and press

conferences I had to be present for, etc.) and I had other things planned and

going on as well. I also responded, " have a nice trip. I probably won't be able

to see you since you didn't consult me at all about when you would be in town

and I have already a lot of things on my plate at that time. "

>

> After she completed making her plans and such she sends me an email saying, " I

hope that you'll be able to take time from your busy schedule to spend a day

with me, stepdad, and stepbro. "

>

> It doesn't have to be all about me, but if she expects to see me, then

shouldn't it be a little about me?

>

> I don't know. Lately I have felt like I should allow myself to feel the anger

that I feel. And frankly I'm feeling like I hate her for screwing with my mind,

my emotions, and my mental health. I hate her for turning my Christmas into a

nightmare and for all the nightmares I have every night. I don't care if she has

a disorder. She won't seek help, so I can't have that much compassion for her.

And frankly, I feel like I should call CPS on her and my stepfather because I am

so worried for the mental health of my stepbrother. But that would certainly get

me cast out from all of my family. And nada would never forgive me. But do I

care?

>

[Guest guest]

Whew! Sigh of relief. I thought everyone would jump on me and say it's not

healthy and I should get help or I'm crazy or something. I am seeing a

therapist. Had my first appointment last week. I mostly just poured out

everything that happened recently and we didn't really get much further than:

this is what's happening and this is how I feel.

I'm making a list of things I want to talk to him about next Thursday.

> >

> > Sometimes I think of the things she has said and done to me--nada, that

is--and I just feel like saying. I hate her.

> >

> > When I planned to go visit her for Christmas, I asked her and planned it out

months ahead of time. But most importantly, I asked her if it was a good time

for her. She had been begging me to visit for years.

> >

> > Whenever she comes to visit my brother, SIL, and nephews, she doesn't bother

telling me until after she books her flight, then sends me her itinerary and

expects me to drop everything to spend time with her, and rent a car and drive

40 miles round trip to spend an hour with her when she decides it's not prime

grandson time.

> >

> > I confronted her about it the first time she did it and we had a huge fight.

Then she did again the next year, and her response to me was " Guess what,

? It's not all about you " ! Well, duh. If it was even a little about me you

would confer with me to ask me if it was a good time of year. So my response to

her was " I know it's not all about me. But if you are planning on visiting with

me, then you should be figuring out with me when is a good time to do that and

if I'm even able to at that time of year. " The time she had chosen was really

bad for me. I was working long hours at work and it was right before the opening

of our new galleries in a new building (huge gala and other events and press

conferences I had to be present for, etc.) and I had other things planned and

going on as well. I also responded, " have a nice trip. I probably won't be able

to see you since you didn't consult me at all about when you would be in town

and I have already a lot of things on my plate at that time. "

> >

> > After she completed making her plans and such she sends me an email saying,

" I hope that you'll be able to take time from your busy schedule to spend a day

with me, stepdad, and stepbro. "

> >

> > It doesn't have to be all about me, but if she expects to see me, then

shouldn't it be a little about me?

> >

> > I don't know. Lately I have felt like I should allow myself to feel the

anger that I feel. And frankly I'm feeling like I hate her for screwing with my

mind, my emotions, and my mental health. I hate her for turning my Christmas

into a nightmare and for all the nightmares I have every night. I don't care if

she has a disorder. She won't seek help, so I can't have that much compassion

for her. And frankly, I feel like I should call CPS on her and my stepfather

because I am so worried for the mental health of my stepbrother. But that would

certainly get me cast out from all of my family. And nada would never forgive

me. But do I care?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Whew! Sigh of relief. I thought everyone would jump on me and say it's not

healthy and I should get help or I'm crazy or something. I am seeing a

therapist. Had my first appointment last week. I mostly just poured out

everything that happened recently and we didn't really get much further than:

this is what's happening and this is how I feel.

I'm making a list of things I want to talk to him about next Thursday.

> >

> > Sometimes I think of the things she has said and done to me--nada, that

is--and I just feel like saying. I hate her.

> >

> > When I planned to go visit her for Christmas, I asked her and planned it out

months ahead of time. But most importantly, I asked her if it was a good time

for her. She had been begging me to visit for years.

> >

> > Whenever she comes to visit my brother, SIL, and nephews, she doesn't bother

telling me until after she books her flight, then sends me her itinerary and

expects me to drop everything to spend time with her, and rent a car and drive

40 miles round trip to spend an hour with her when she decides it's not prime

grandson time.

> >

> > I confronted her about it the first time she did it and we had a huge fight.

Then she did again the next year, and her response to me was " Guess what,

? It's not all about you " ! Well, duh. If it was even a little about me you

would confer with me to ask me if it was a good time of year. So my response to

her was " I know it's not all about me. But if you are planning on visiting with

me, then you should be figuring out with me when is a good time to do that and

if I'm even able to at that time of year. " The time she had chosen was really

bad for me. I was working long hours at work and it was right before the opening

of our new galleries in a new building (huge gala and other events and press

conferences I had to be present for, etc.) and I had other things planned and

going on as well. I also responded, " have a nice trip. I probably won't be able

to see you since you didn't consult me at all about when you would be in town

and I have already a lot of things on my plate at that time. "

> >

> > After she completed making her plans and such she sends me an email saying,

" I hope that you'll be able to take time from your busy schedule to spend a day

with me, stepdad, and stepbro. "

> >

> > It doesn't have to be all about me, but if she expects to see me, then

shouldn't it be a little about me?

> >

> > I don't know. Lately I have felt like I should allow myself to feel the

anger that I feel. And frankly I'm feeling like I hate her for screwing with my

mind, my emotions, and my mental health. I hate her for turning my Christmas

into a nightmare and for all the nightmares I have every night. I don't care if

she has a disorder. She won't seek help, so I can't have that much compassion

for her. And frankly, I feel like I should call CPS on her and my stepfather

because I am so worried for the mental health of my stepbrother. But that would

certainly get me cast out from all of my family. And nada would never forgive

me. But do I care?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Whew! Sigh of relief. I thought everyone would jump on me and say it's not

healthy and I should get help or I'm crazy or something. I am seeing a

therapist. Had my first appointment last week. I mostly just poured out

everything that happened recently and we didn't really get much further than:

this is what's happening and this is how I feel.

I'm making a list of things I want to talk to him about next Thursday.

> >

> > Sometimes I think of the things she has said and done to me--nada, that

is--and I just feel like saying. I hate her.

> >

> > When I planned to go visit her for Christmas, I asked her and planned it out

months ahead of time. But most importantly, I asked her if it was a good time

for her. She had been begging me to visit for years.

> >

> > Whenever she comes to visit my brother, SIL, and nephews, she doesn't bother

telling me until after she books her flight, then sends me her itinerary and

expects me to drop everything to spend time with her, and rent a car and drive

40 miles round trip to spend an hour with her when she decides it's not prime

grandson time.

> >

> > I confronted her about it the first time she did it and we had a huge fight.

Then she did again the next year, and her response to me was " Guess what,

? It's not all about you " ! Well, duh. If it was even a little about me you

would confer with me to ask me if it was a good time of year. So my response to

her was " I know it's not all about me. But if you are planning on visiting with

me, then you should be figuring out with me when is a good time to do that and

if I'm even able to at that time of year. " The time she had chosen was really

bad for me. I was working long hours at work and it was right before the opening

of our new galleries in a new building (huge gala and other events and press

conferences I had to be present for, etc.) and I had other things planned and

going on as well. I also responded, " have a nice trip. I probably won't be able

to see you since you didn't consult me at all about when you would be in town

and I have already a lot of things on my plate at that time. "

> >

> > After she completed making her plans and such she sends me an email saying,

" I hope that you'll be able to take time from your busy schedule to spend a day

with me, stepdad, and stepbro. "

> >

> > It doesn't have to be all about me, but if she expects to see me, then

shouldn't it be a little about me?

> >

> > I don't know. Lately I have felt like I should allow myself to feel the

anger that I feel. And frankly I'm feeling like I hate her for screwing with my

mind, my emotions, and my mental health. I hate her for turning my Christmas

into a nightmare and for all the nightmares I have every night. I don't care if

she has a disorder. She won't seek help, so I can't have that much compassion

for her. And frankly, I feel like I should call CPS on her and my stepfather

because I am so worried for the mental health of my stepbrother. But that would

certainly get me cast out from all of my family. And nada would never forgive

me. But do I care?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree! It is a big step to be able to consciously feel anger that has been

repressed as " bad " for a lifetime.

Its probably anger and hurt feelings. It *does* hurt to not be treated as an

equal in one's family, as though your time and your job are not important at

all. It hurts to never be consulted ahead of time whether or not any particular

dates are good for you, and merely told when to appear.

It *isn't* fair. And it hurts even more when you've asked politely to be

included in the planning and are ignored repeatedly. That would hurt anyone's

feelings, and make anyone angry.

I'll add my congrats for accessing your authentic anger as well.

(If you want to visit your brother and his family, maybe you could do that on

your own without nada? Is that a possibility?)

-Annie

>

> Standing ovation! YOU GOT MAD!!!

>

> Took me 1 1/2 years of weekly therapy to get mad. To BE angry! I was so

sucked clean of MY authentic emotions to what SHE does that I didn't know I had

the right to be angry at her lifelong violations!

>

> THIS IS HUGE!!!!

>

> First thing my therapist said to me after the BPD thing came out on week 3

was, " What concerns me most is you have NO anger. You should be VERY angry...

you are ENTITLED to be ANGRY! We'll start there.... "

>

> It took a long, long time to get there.

>

> You're on your way!

>

> Congrats!

>

> Lynnette

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Just to clarify, nada lives out of state. Brother lives one city away from me.

Yes, I used to visit him on my own a lot until he turned into a flying monkey.

Now I don't visit him. The problem was nada making plans to come visit " us " (he

and I both) when she was really just making plans to visit him, and I'm supposed

to just appear at some odd hour when her grandkids are asleep and she has

nothing better to do.This wasn't about including me in going to visit, it was

about her talking to me before she books travel, etc., and comes to town

expecting me to be able to drop everything and wait on her.

> >

> > Standing ovation! YOU GOT MAD!!!

> >

> > Took me 1 1/2 years of weekly therapy to get mad. To BE angry! I was so

sucked clean of MY authentic emotions to what SHE does that I didn't know I had

the right to be angry at her lifelong violations!

> >

> > THIS IS HUGE!!!!

> >

> > First thing my therapist said to me after the BPD thing came out on week 3

was, " What concerns me most is you have NO anger. You should be VERY angry...

you are ENTITLED to be ANGRY! We'll start there.... "

> >

> > It took a long, long time to get there.

> >

> > You're on your way!

> >

> > Congrats!

> >

> > Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

I can tell my emotions are vacillating when it comes to her. Sometimes I am

angry and I hate her. Sometimes I feel bad for her because I think of what has

been done to her, and I feel compassion for her. Sometimes the little evil voice

in my head says: but she's your MOTHER, and then I feel guilty.

But I do know that I don't know if I love her. I mean, I've said I don't. But I

wonder. I guess I don't really know what I feel towards her. I'm angry for sure,

but I'm getting tired of being angry.

> > > >

> > > > Standing ovation! YOU GOT MAD!!!

> > > >

> > > > Took me 1 1/2 years of weekly therapy to get mad. To BE angry! I was so

> > sucked clean of MY authentic emotions to what SHE does that I didn't know I

> > had the right to be angry at her lifelong violations!

> > > >

> > > > THIS IS HUGE!!!!

> > > >

> > > > First thing my therapist said to me after the BPD thing came out on

> > week 3 was, " What concerns me most is you have NO anger. You should be VERY

> > angry... you are ENTITLED to be ANGRY! We'll start there.... "

> > > >

> > > > It took a long, long time to get there.

> > > >

> > > > You're on your way!

> > > >

> > > > Congrats!

> > > >

> > > > Lynnette

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

A big YES here.

I can empathize for the fact she is F*d up, but still hate her for being such an

abnormal human being that she couldn't be a mother when her children so needed

one. And she took a good man and gaslighted him into a dishrag.

She is high functioning and can pull it together when she needs to. So much of

what she has become is a CHOICE. So much of what she does is to HIDE her

dysfunction from everyone else. Surely that much manipulation/gaslighting/cover

up take more brain wattage than the rest of us use when parenting our own

children and interaction with spouses and coworkers.

So no, I do not let her off the hook. I am almost 50 years old, have multiple

stress related chronic conditions, constantly fight agoraphobia and being a

codependent. I feel like my life has been used like a feeder fish for HER.

When I was young she was a hermit/waif, then in my upper teen years she became a

witch. Now she's a full blown queen. The witch in her is more subtly than

outright screaming, but twice as deadly because it is so very cold.

Yes, I hate her.

>

> Sometimes I think of the things she has said and done to me--nada, that

is--and I just feel like saying. I hate her.

>

> When I planned to go visit her for Christmas, I asked her and planned it out

months ahead of time. But most importantly, I asked her if it was a good time

for her. She had been begging me to visit for years.

>

> Whenever she comes to visit my brother, SIL, and nephews, she doesn't bother

telling me until after she books her flight, then sends me her itinerary and

expects me to drop everything to spend time with her, and rent a car and drive

40 miles round trip to spend an hour with her when she decides it's not prime

grandson time.

>

> I confronted her about it the first time she did it and we had a huge fight.

Then she did again the next year, and her response to me was " Guess what,

? It's not all about you " ! Well, duh. If it was even a little about me you

would confer with me to ask me if it was a good time of year. So my response to

her was " I know it's not all about me. But if you are planning on visiting with

me, then you should be figuring out with me when is a good time to do that and

if I'm even able to at that time of year. " The time she had chosen was really

bad for me. I was working long hours at work and it was right before the opening

of our new galleries in a new building (huge gala and other events and press

conferences I had to be present for, etc.) and I had other things planned and

going on as well. I also responded, " have a nice trip. I probably won't be able

to see you since you didn't consult me at all about when you would be in town

and I have already a lot of things on my plate at that time. "

>

> After she completed making her plans and such she sends me an email saying, " I

hope that you'll be able to take time from your busy schedule to spend a day

with me, stepdad, and stepbro. "

>

> It doesn't have to be all about me, but if she expects to see me, then

shouldn't it be a little about me?

>

> I don't know. Lately I have felt like I should allow myself to feel the anger

that I feel. And frankly I'm feeling like I hate her for screwing with my mind,

my emotions, and my mental health. I hate her for turning my Christmas into a

nightmare and for all the nightmares I have every night. I don't care if she has

a disorder. She won't seek help, so I can't have that much compassion for her.

And frankly, I feel like I should call CPS on her and my stepfather because I am

so worried for the mental health of my stepbrother. But that would certainly get

me cast out from all of my family. And nada would never forgive me. But do I

care?

>