Guest guest Posted January 30, 2011 Report Share Posted January 30, 2011 I understand. The aging sadness. The lost childhood. Everything. It's the worst feeling in the whole wide world. Not having a " mother " in the true sense of the word. It makes me sad and crazy until I realize that I'm saving myself from more disappointment because I know it's not 'me.' That's the only saving grace... small as it is. Here's a 'share' you'll totally relate to: 2007/ December Me: Mom, I had a flashback when I was in L.A. I remembered I was sexually abused by XX from ages 7 - 10.... I need to talk about this. Her: Well I have breast cancer. Me: Oh. That was it. That's how she told me. That's how I told her. We have lived HER drama for years. I don't live hers anymore. I completely understand. Lynnette (who later found out that there was more than one abuser and she knew... but that's a whole nuther story.) > > So it's just a small thing, but maybe writing it out here will help. So I actually had a relatively " good " conversation with my nada today. Her waifiness was fairly low, her mood generally good. Actually pretty rare. I've got a birthday coming up and I've been having a little trouble accepting my aging - I'll be forty-something. I've aged rapidly in the last few years, my skin has turned to crepe paper, my weight looks worse on me even though it's the same, the grays are increasing, my joints give weird reverberating pains sometimes. I feel like I can see my youth slipping down the drain and I'm just not ready. And yeah, it happens to everybody and this is just the start so I better get used to it...I know. But I shared just briefly with nada I couldn't believe the age I would be, how fast it's coming and she's immediately all - well I'm seventy-something, blah blah blah.... And me, I get quiet, clearly how can I complain about aging when she's got it *so much worse* than me. > > And it feels like this scenario has happened over and over, a million times since I was born. Whatever problem I have, whatever wisdom or comfort I seek, well - tough luck. She's got it worse. She'll always have it worse, so I can just shut up already. Other things are more important. If she's got experience I might learn from, oh well that's not what she'll be sharing. And perhaps I should be grateful because the rare times she does focus on my problems she gives me really bad advice and blames it all on me. > > Just wish I had a real mom sometimes. > > Thanks for listening, > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2011 Report Share Posted January 30, 2011 Lynnette, you've got to wonder are they savings these things up for just the right moment? One time I told my nada that the problems between me and her had contributed to me feeling suicidal during my worst depression crisis - her response....well I've wanted to kill myself too. Nothing, zero response to me - not then, not ever. I don't think there is anything we can share, no matter how big, how awful that will jar them out of their incredible self-centeredness. For her to react to your revelation of sexual abuse with telling you should had cancer is just astounding...yet sadly unsurprising. I guess from that point on you were supposed to just talk and react to her news about the cancer? You know something you wrote about the aging sadness made me realize part of my grief about losing my youth is that I didn't get to have the childhood or the young adulthood that I would have with a healthy upbringing. It's always been a struggle to get past, move beyond, etc...just to have a normal life. To get older, really visibly older represents some doors closing now. Like I won't get to meet Prince Charming and get married and live happily ever after even after my awful beginnings (a big fantasy of mine in my youth)....even if I meet him now which is unlikely half my life is already lived. Stuff like that. Ah well, tomorrow is another day...hopefully a brighter one. Thanks, > > I understand. The aging sadness. The lost childhood. Everything. It's the worst feeling in the whole wide world. Not having a " mother " in the true sense of the word. It makes me sad and crazy until I realize that I'm saving myself from more disappointment because I know it's not 'me.' That's the only saving grace... small as it is. > > Here's a 'share' you'll totally relate to: > > 2007/ December > Me: Mom, I had a flashback when I was in L.A. I remembered I was sexually abused by XX from ages 7 - 10.... I need to talk about this. > > Her: Well I have breast cancer. > > Me: Oh. > > That was it. That's how she told me. That's how I told her. We have lived HER drama for years. I don't live hers anymore. > > I completely understand. > > Lynnette (who later found out that there was more than one abuser and she knew... but that's a whole nuther story.) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2011 Report Share Posted January 30, 2011 Lynnette, you've got to wonder are they savings these things up for just the right moment? One time I told my nada that the problems between me and her had contributed to me feeling suicidal during my worst depression crisis - her response....well I've wanted to kill myself too. Nothing, zero response to me - not then, not ever. I don't think there is anything we can share, no matter how big, how awful that will jar them out of their incredible self-centeredness. For her to react to your revelation of sexual abuse with telling you should had cancer is just astounding...yet sadly unsurprising. I guess from that point on you were supposed to just talk and react to her news about the cancer? You know something you wrote about the aging sadness made me realize part of my grief about losing my youth is that I didn't get to have the childhood or the young adulthood that I would have with a healthy upbringing. It's always been a struggle to get past, move beyond, etc...just to have a normal life. To get older, really visibly older represents some doors closing now. Like I won't get to meet Prince Charming and get married and live happily ever after even after my awful beginnings (a big fantasy of mine in my youth)....even if I meet him now which is unlikely half my life is already lived. Stuff like that. Ah well, tomorrow is another day...hopefully a brighter one. Thanks, > > I understand. The aging sadness. The lost childhood. Everything. It's the worst feeling in the whole wide world. Not having a " mother " in the true sense of the word. It makes me sad and crazy until I realize that I'm saving myself from more disappointment because I know it's not 'me.' That's the only saving grace... small as it is. > > Here's a 'share' you'll totally relate to: > > 2007/ December > Me: Mom, I had a flashback when I was in L.A. I remembered I was sexually abused by XX from ages 7 - 10.... I need to talk about this. > > Her: Well I have breast cancer. > > Me: Oh. > > That was it. That's how she told me. That's how I told her. We have lived HER drama for years. I don't live hers anymore. > > I completely understand. > > Lynnette (who later found out that there was more than one abuser and she knew... but that's a whole nuther story.) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2011 Report Share Posted January 31, 2011 Thanks Fiona, yep they can't seem to manage an appropriate caring response for the life of them! > > , I feel your pain. > My skin: crepey as well. This has been so discouraging. My face, no matter how much I moisturize, etc., has become very dry. Must be part of pre-menopause. > > Joints: same here, creaky. > > Weight: best not to discuss. > > Sharing with mother: yeah, I keep trying, too; I think I expect her somehow to become a different person and be a friend. And forget it, if/when I share this sort of stuff with her, because she's so hermit-y/waify, she immediately calls my brother to tell him I'm depressed, something's wrong with me, she tells me to see a dr., etc. > > So not worth the effort! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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