Re: just a small thing

January 30, 2011

I understand. The aging sadness. The lost childhood. Everything. It's the

worst feeling in the whole wide world. Not having a " mother " in the true sense

of the word. It makes me sad and crazy until I realize that I'm saving myself

from more disappointment because I know it's not 'me.' That's the only saving

grace... small as it is.

Here's a 'share' you'll totally relate to:

2007/ December

Me: Mom, I had a flashback when I was in L.A. I remembered I was sexually

abused by XX from ages 7 - 10.... I need to talk about this.

Her: Well I have breast cancer.

Me: Oh.

That was it. That's how she told me. That's how I told her. We have lived HER

drama for years. I don't live hers anymore.

I completely understand.

Lynnette (who later found out that there was more than one abuser and she

knew... but that's a whole nuther story.)

>

> So it's just a small thing, but maybe writing it out here will help. So I

actually had a relatively " good " conversation with my nada today. Her waifiness

was fairly low, her mood generally good. Actually pretty rare. I've got a

birthday coming up and I've been having a little trouble accepting my aging -

I'll be forty-something. I've aged rapidly in the last few years, my skin has

turned to crepe paper, my weight looks worse on me even though it's the same,

the grays are increasing, my joints give weird reverberating pains sometimes. I

feel like I can see my youth slipping down the drain and I'm just not ready.

And yeah, it happens to everybody and this is just the start so I better get

used to it...I know. But I shared just briefly with nada I couldn't believe

the age I would be, how fast it's coming and she's immediately all - well I'm

seventy-something, blah blah blah.... And me, I get quiet, clearly how can I

complain about aging when she's got it *so much worse* than me.

>

> And it feels like this scenario has happened over and over, a million times

since I was born. Whatever problem I have, whatever wisdom or comfort I seek,

well - tough luck. She's got it worse. She'll always have it worse, so I can

just shut up already. Other things are more important. If she's got

experience I might learn from, oh well that's not what she'll be sharing. And

perhaps I should be grateful because the rare times she does focus on my

problems she gives me really bad advice and blames it all on me.

>

> Just wish I had a real mom sometimes.

>

> Thanks for listening,

>

January 31, 2011

, I feel your pain.

My skin: crepey as well. This has been so discouraging. My face, no matter how

much I moisturize, etc., has become very dry. Must be part of pre-menopause.

Joints: same here, creaky.

Weight: best not to discuss.

Sharing with mother: yeah, I keep trying, too; I think I expect her somehow to

become a different person and be a friend. And forget it, if/when I share this

sort of stuff with her, because she's so hermit-y/waify, she immediately calls

my brother to tell him I'm depressed, something's wrong with me, she tells me to

see a dr., etc.

So not worth the effort!