Warning Signs?

January 30, 2011

My MIL is undiagnosed, but clearly suffers from severe BPD. She has been

getting worse in the past few years and her anger, hatred and blame towards me

is starting to cause me alarm. My husband and I have been married for 17 years.

MIL hated me from the moment she met me and my husband has basically confirmed

this (although he was in denial for a long time.) She has classic BPD behaviors

- everyone is terrible to her, we are evil, nothing we do is ever good enough,

you know the drill.

Lately, however, she seems increasingly intent on shifting her blame towards me.

She is angry at my husband for being a terrible son, but she thinks I am the one

who has turned him against her. She is angry at my husband for distancing

himself from her, but thinks that I control him so it must be my fault.

She has told my husband I am a b$#ch and uses these warm phrases about me when

emailing my husband:

" Wake up and smell the roses and you will see that I am not the one who is

lying. "

" Sometimes it is nice being divorced. "

" Maybe if you ask really nicely, your wife will give you your b@lls back. "

" Your wife is not the sweet and innocent person she pretends to be. "

" How can you believe someone else's lies and let them tear us apart? "

" Why do some people insist on spreading lies about other people just to hurt

them? Is it ego? Insecurity? Hatred? I will never understand. "

She has used Facebook and email has her platform to tell the world how terrible

I am. My sister-in-law is in on the game too, openly calling me names and

blaming me for my husband's broken relationship with his mother on Facebook. We

blocked both of them on Facebook a while back because it wasn't healthy for us

to read their frequent posts about us.

My mother-in-law has never explicitly threatened me but it is becoming more and

more evident that she blames me for " taking her grandchildren away from her. "

(In fact, she still has contact with us and her grandchildren.... but she is

constantly telling us we took them away from her - just part of the mental

illness.) Her anger towards me is growing in intensity and I can't help but

feeling that she believes if I were out of the picture, she would have her son

and her grandchildren and her " perfect " life. My husband shares my concern but

we can't quite put our finger on it. She lives in another state, about a 4 hour

drive away, but am I crazy to be afraid?

I don't have any evidence of a threat or any imminent danger, so I can't pursue

at restraining order (that would just be throwing gasoline on the fire anyway)

but I can't shake this feeling. When the kids were younger and in daycare, we

had a special " no pick up " order on my mother-in-law. It was just informal, but

while all of the other grandparents were on the approved pick up list, we made

sure they know she was not allowed to take our kids out of daycare for any

reason. We feared she may try to take them someday. She was practically

obsessed with them and it scared us.

Has anyone else had these feelings without an actual threat or attempt to do

harm? Any advice on true warning signs? I hate living like this.

January 30, 2011

I agree with you: the current content of her posts is not dangerous. They are

definitely hateful and insulting, but they are not actually threatening you with

harm.

But if she starts making statements that are more like, " I'll get you back

somehow " or " I hope you die " or " God will punish you for how you're treating me "

or " If you don't xyz, I'm calling CSP and reporting you for child abuse " or " I'm

going to be at XYZ event when you are there and I'll be watching you " ... THEN

I'd go on alert.

If you haven't already, begin to document all her correspondence to you or about

you. Make a special folder for all her e-mails. Consider unblocking her on

Facebook only for the purpose of printing or copy/pasting her posts so you have

a record of those, if they're about you. If she leaves threatening voice

messages on your phone, keep them or copy them. Make sure everything has a date

on it and time if possible.

If you notice other stalking or harassing behaviors, such as: driving by/walking

by your home, entering your property, leaving letters or packages on your

doorstep, contacting your neighbors for information about you/your

children/their whereabouts, vandalizing your property, showing up at your place

of work, phoning your place of work in order make slanderous statements about

you to your employer, etc. then I would go on HIGH ALERT and I'd document all

those actions.

Once someone starts making actual threats or showing up in person uninvited,

that's when I'd worry, and that's when I'd get a restraining order taken out.

-Annie

>

> My MIL is undiagnosed, but clearly suffers from severe BPD. She has been

getting worse in the past few years and her anger, hatred and blame towards me

is starting to cause me alarm. My husband and I have been married for 17 years.

MIL hated me from the moment she met me and my husband has basically confirmed

this (although he was in denial for a long time.) She has classic BPD behaviors

- everyone is terrible to her, we are evil, nothing we do is ever good enough,

you know the drill.

>

> Lately, however, she seems increasingly intent on shifting her blame towards

me. She is angry at my husband for being a terrible son, but she thinks I am

the one who has turned him against her. She is angry at my husband for

distancing himself from her, but thinks that I control him so it must be my

fault.

>

> She has told my husband I am a b$#ch and uses these warm phrases about me when

emailing my husband:

>

> " Wake up and smell the roses and you will see that I am not the one who is

lying. "

>

> " Sometimes it is nice being divorced. "

>

> " Maybe if you ask really nicely, your wife will give you your b@lls back. "

>

> " Your wife is not the sweet and innocent person she pretends to be. "

>

> " How can you believe someone else's lies and let them tear us apart? "

>

> " Why do some people insist on spreading lies about other people just to hurt

them? Is it ego? Insecurity? Hatred? I will never understand. "

>

> She has used Facebook and email has her platform to tell the world how

terrible I am. My sister-in-law is in on the game too, openly calling me names

and blaming me for my husband's broken relationship with his mother on Facebook.

We blocked both of them on Facebook a while back because it wasn't healthy for

us to read their frequent posts about us.

>

> My mother-in-law has never explicitly threatened me but it is becoming more

and more evident that she blames me for " taking her grandchildren away from

her. " (In fact, she still has contact with us and her grandchildren.... but she

is constantly telling us we took them away from her - just part of the mental

illness.) Her anger towards me is growing in intensity and I can't help but

feeling that she believes if I were out of the picture, she would have her son

and her grandchildren and her " perfect " life. My husband shares my concern but

we can't quite put our finger on it. She lives in another state, about a 4 hour

drive away, but am I crazy to be afraid?

>

> I don't have any evidence of a threat or any imminent danger, so I can't

pursue at restraining order (that would just be throwing gasoline on the fire

anyway) but I can't shake this feeling. When the kids were younger and in

daycare, we had a special " no pick up " order on my mother-in-law. It was just

informal, but while all of the other grandparents were on the approved pick up

list, we made sure they know she was not allowed to take our kids out of daycare

for any reason. We feared she may try to take them someday. She was

practically obsessed with them and it scared us.

>

> Has anyone else had these feelings without an actual threat or attempt to do

harm? Any advice on true warning signs? I hate living like this.

>

January 30, 2011

My advice is first see a therapist with your husband and work out a plan of

how to deal with her. I worry that if your husband doesn't take your side,

it could be bad for the relationship.

I had a nada-in-law who was very evil and did similar things. My husband did

not stand up for me. Now he is my ex-husband.

I would also suggest that anything and everything they do that is worth

calling the cops over, call the cops!!! Every single time!!! I had to do

this with my not-a-brother's new wife who I never met. Didn't know her, but

she started sending me hate mail about what a rotten daughter I am for going

NC with my nada.

It worked.

On Sun, Jan 30, 2011 at 6:33 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

> I agree with you: the current content of her posts is not dangerous. They

> are definitely hateful and insulting, but they are not actually threatening

> you with harm.

>

> But if she starts making statements that are more like, " I'll get you back

> somehow " or " I hope you die " or " God will punish you for how you're treating

> me " or " If you don't xyz, I'm calling CSP and reporting you for child abuse "

> or " I'm going to be at XYZ event when you are there and I'll be watching

> you " ... THEN I'd go on alert.

>

> If you haven't already, begin to document all her correspondence to you or

> about you. Make a special folder for all her e-mails. Consider unblocking

> her on Facebook only for the purpose of printing or copy/pasting her posts

> so you have a record of those, if they're about you. If she leaves

> threatening voice messages on your phone, keep them or copy them. Make sure

> everything has a date on it and time if possible.

>

> If you notice other stalking or harassing behaviors, such as: driving

> by/walking by your home, entering your property, leaving letters or packages

> on your doorstep, contacting your neighbors for information about you/your

> children/their whereabouts, vandalizing your property, showing up at your

> place of work, phoning your place of work in order make slanderous

> statements about you to your employer, etc. then I would go on HIGH ALERT

> and I'd document all those actions.

>

> Once someone starts making actual threats or showing up in person

> uninvited, that's when I'd worry, and that's when I'd get a restraining

> order taken out.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > My MIL is undiagnosed, but clearly suffers from severe BPD. She has been

> getting worse in the past few years and her anger, hatred and blame towards

> me is starting to cause me alarm. My husband and I have been married for 17

> years. MIL hated me from the moment she met me and my husband has basically

> confirmed this (although he was in denial for a long time.) She has classic

> BPD behaviors - everyone is terrible to her, we are evil, nothing we do is

> ever good enough, you know the drill.

> >

> > Lately, however, she seems increasingly intent on shifting her blame

> towards me. She is angry at my husband for being a terrible son, but she

> thinks I am the one who has turned him against her. She is angry at my

> husband for distancing himself from her, but thinks that I control him so it

> must be my fault.

> >

> > She has told my husband I am a b$#ch and uses these warm phrases about me

> when emailing my husband:

> >

> > " Wake up and smell the roses and you will see that I am not the one who

> is lying. "

> >

> > " Sometimes it is nice being divorced. "

> >

> > " Maybe if you ask really nicely, your wife will give you your bllsback (DOT) "

> >

> > " Your wife is not the sweet and innocent person she pretends to be. "

> >

> > " How can you believe someone else's lies and let them tear us apart? "

> >

> > " Why do some people insist on spreading lies about other people just to

> hurt them? Is it ego? Insecurity? Hatred? I will never understand. "

> >

> > She has used Facebook and email has her platform to tell the world how

> terrible I am. My sister-in-law is in on the game too, openly calling me

> names and blaming me for my husband's broken relationship with his mother on

> Facebook. We blocked both of them on Facebook a while back because it wasn't

> healthy for us to read their frequent posts about us.

> >

> > My mother-in-law has never explicitly threatened me but it is becoming

> more and more evident that she blames me for " taking her grandchildren away

> from her. " (In fact, she still has contact with us and her grandchildren....

> but she is constantly telling us we took them away from her - just part of

> the mental illness.) Her anger towards me is growing in intensity and I

> can't help but feeling that she believes if I were out of the picture, she

> would have her son and her grandchildren and her " perfect " life. My husband

> shares my concern but we can't quite put our finger on it. She lives in

> another state, about a 4 hour drive away, but am I crazy to be afraid?

> >

> > I don't have any evidence of a threat or any imminent danger, so I can't

> pursue at restraining order (that would just be throwing gasoline on the

> fire anyway) but I can't shake this feeling. When the kids were younger and

> in daycare, we had a special " no pick up " order on my mother-in-law. It was

> just informal, but while all of the other grandparents were on the approved

> pick up list, we made sure they know she was not allowed to take our kids

> out of daycare for any reason. We feared she may try to take them someday.

> She was practically obsessed with them and it scared us.

> >

> > Has anyone else had these feelings without an actual threat or attempt to

> do harm? Any advice on true warning signs? I hate living like this.

> >

>

January 30, 2011