Re: Now: problems with the spouse. How working on self ripples into marriage. HELP!

[Guest guest]

My boyfriend and I have the same problem. I am very affectionate and he is not.

I have expressedd to him many times that I need more hugs, snuggles, and

affection from him and I feel really guilty about it. I have never been able to

express my wants and feelings before and I feel so selfish doing so. After

expressing my needs sometimes he will give me a hug or something but then

nothing really changes. Reading someone else write it out NO it isn't wrong to

ask for affection from your significant other but what do you do when after

asking those needs still go unmet? That is something I am trying to figure out.

I have expressed to him that it makes me feel unwanted when I am the one who

always initiates affection or am rejected when I try to be close.

Sorry I couldn't offer any advise. All I can say is I know how that can be

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, January 30, 2011 5:40:27 PM

Subject: Now: problems with the spouse. How working on self

ripples into marriage. HELP!

Â

One of the biggest messages I've taken to heart after discovering my nada's

issues and how I fit into the over-all dynamic is that I need to work on myself

and declare that I have emotional needs and not to feel guilty about those.

I'm finding out how co-dependent I've really become. I haven't ever put my needs

above the needs of others- including my marital relationship.

Overall, my husband of nearly 11 years has put up with a tremendous amount of

FOG and nada-related crisis. I admit: for many years I was her flying monkey. If

nada crossed boundaries, acted inappropriately I firmly stopped my husband from

taking action.

I know now that my stopping him only reinforced to nada that her behavior was

OK.

Nada aside, I'm now having (ok, these are years-old issues)similar issues with

my husband.

We have long butted heads over his lack of affection(In the 13 years we've been

together I've never received a single love letter or poem. I've told him that

simple emails saying " thinking of you " or a post-it note on my steering wheel

that I would see leaving for work would have the same impact. I've even told him

that I would just like to slow dance in our living room once the kids are in

bed) Instead of respecting my emotional needs he's told me they are 'childlike'

and 'stupid' since he doesn't require the same thing. Six months ago he made the

ultimatum that I either let go of my needs and my requests to have my emotional

needs met- or he would be filing for divorce. He flat told me that he wasn't a

romantic person and would not, ever, do any of the things I suggested. That I

needed to accept him the way he was. He said it made him feel like I was telling

him he was a failure.

So basically, if we have sex: I initiate. If I want some romantic ambiance, I

prepare it. If I say I need held or would like to cuddle- I have to cuddle HIM.

I've done my best to focus on his good qualities and have repressed my needs,

trying to get myself to believe his views- that what I'm asking for isn't

important. (years ago, when I found emails he was sending to an ex-girlfriend I

took responsibility for them, vowing that I would work to meet his sexual needs

so he didn't have to look elsewhere, since that is what he told me he needed,

that he wasn't getting-which led to his seeking it out elsewhere_

So,ast night.

While hubby was watching a " guy-flick " with our oldest son I prepped for a

late-night romantic encounter. I cleaned out our bedroom of all distraction and

replaced them with scented candles, massage oil within arms reach, music, etc.

I thought we were on the same page- since we'd been flirting and he said he was

looking forward to the evening all day.

Once the kiddos were in bed I asked him if he was ready to go to bed- knowing

that he knew what awaited him.

His response was less than enthusiastic and it really hurt my feelings. I wanted

to hear: " babe, I've been ready all day, " not his shrugging his shoulders and

giving me a " eh, I guess. "

I didn't know what I had done wrong and pressed him for answers.

He said there was no reason for me to feel hurt- even saying that had I sat down

to watch the movie with him and then, once the kids were in bed, " came on to

him, rubbed on him, etc, " that everything would have been different.

In my co-dependent way I told him that I respected his needs and would work

harder at meeting them- but told him I was scared to death of acting too

romantic or asking that we " make love, " versus straight porn-style sex because I

was afraid that those actions would be considered off limits and part of his

" don't go there or I'm leaving you, " stance.

I feel like a prisoner and I'm hurt that once again, find myself in a

relationship were my emotional needs don't matter but his do.

After declaring that I would respect his needs I asked him to make the same

agreement- that we would work to make the other happy, which would help keep the

marriage healthy.

His " agreement " shocked me. Instead of taking ownership and vowing to do

something I've said would mean the world to me he promised to " help around the

house more so I would have the energy to sit down with him and feel like doing

the things he wanted. "

So basically, his stance was: I will help you meet my needs. Am I wrong at

feeling badly about this?

When I told him that wasn't along the lines of what I promised him, he just got

angry, shut down and said " i dont' know what you want. Again, this is just

another example of how i'll never meet your needs. I don't know what you want. "

So my question is: as children with BPDs- how has the discovery of yourself and

your working on you, and trying to take care of yourself and have your needs met

for a change, effected your relationship?

Is this normal?

We've tried marriage counseling but only went a few times and hubby told me he

had no intention of following through with her suggestions, that he only went to

shut me up- so I'm feeling trapped.

AM I the one asking too much?

In my warped sense of identity, i feel guilty. Just like my past relationship

with my nada I feel like if i work a little harder, do a little more.....

Suggestions?

[Guest guest]

I started in therapy initially because my 3 year old was acting like my mother

and it scared me to death. That 1st therapist finally helped me identify that my

mother was acting like a 3 year old--my daughter was just being her age. 1st

light bulb moment.

Through 15 years of therapy I've learned a lot about myself and my

relationships. One thing that popped out as I started working on myself is that

my husband has intimacy issues--he avoided meeting my needs emotionally and

sexually for years. Then he would make up 'reasons' why he couldn't fulfill

those needs by subtly putting the blame on me (ex: 'you weren't here', 'you

aren't clear', 'you expect too much').

Marital therapy got to the bottom of a lot of it. I'll be honest with you, I was

already thinking of leaving him because of binge drinking. So he KNEW I was

serious about leaving him and that is the only reason I got him to participate

in therapy. The next umpteen years he would find new ways of avoiding

conversations, avoiding intimacy. And I'd have to call him on it for what is

was.

I can say now we have had a very good relationship for 8 years now, he hasn't

had a drink in 13 years and it is rare that he tries to pull the avoidance game

on me. Sure, he could be more romantic at times, but I have accepted romance

rarely enters his radar screen (he thinks filling my car with gas is

romantic--what a putz!)

There is a book out there called the Dance of Intimacy. You may find reading it

gives you some insight into the rhythm of your relationship and may help you

both understand how to meet each others' need better.

Good luck!

>

> One of the biggest messages I've taken to heart after discovering my nada's

issues and how I fit into the over-all dynamic is that I need to work on myself

and declare that I have emotional needs and not to feel guilty about those.

>

> I'm finding out how co-dependent I've really become. I haven't ever put my

needs above the needs of others- including my marital relationship.

>

> Overall, my husband of nearly 11 years has put up with a tremendous amount of

FOG and nada-related crisis. I admit: for many years I was her flying monkey. If

nada crossed boundaries, acted inappropriately I firmly stopped my husband from

taking action.

>

> I know now that my stopping him only reinforced to nada that her behavior was

OK.

>

> Nada aside, I'm now having (ok, these are years-old issues)similar issues with

my husband.

>

> We have long butted heads over his lack of affection(In the 13 years we've

been together I've never received a single love letter or poem. I've told him

that simple emails saying " thinking of you " or a post-it note on my steering

wheel that I would see leaving for work would have the same impact. I've even

told him that I would just like to slow dance in our living room once the kids

are in bed) Instead of respecting my emotional needs he's told me they are

'childlike' and 'stupid' since he doesn't require the same thing. Six months ago

he made the ultimatum that I either let go of my needs and my requests to have

my emotional needs met- or he would be filing for divorce. He flat told me that

he wasn't a romantic person and would not, ever, do any of the things I

suggested. That I needed to accept him the way he was. He said it made him feel

like I was telling him he was a failure.

>

> So basically, if we have sex: I initiate. If I want some romantic ambiance, I

prepare it. If I say I need held or would like to cuddle- I have to cuddle HIM.

>

> I've done my best to focus on his good qualities and have repressed my needs,

trying to get myself to believe his views- that what I'm asking for isn't

important. (years ago, when I found emails he was sending to an ex-girlfriend I

took responsibility for them, vowing that I would work to meet his sexual needs

so he didn't have to look elsewhere, since that is what he told me he needed,

that he wasn't getting-which led to his seeking it out elsewhere_

>

> So,ast night.

>

> While hubby was watching a " guy-flick " with our oldest son I prepped for a

late-night romantic encounter. I cleaned out our bedroom of all distraction and

replaced them with scented candles, massage oil within arms reach, music, etc.

>

> I thought we were on the same page- since we'd been flirting and he said he

was looking forward to the evening all day.

>

> Once the kiddos were in bed I asked him if he was ready to go to bed- knowing

that he knew what awaited him.

>

> His response was less than enthusiastic and it really hurt my feelings. I

wanted to hear: " babe, I've been ready all day, " not his shrugging his shoulders

and giving me a " eh, I guess. "

>

> I didn't know what I had done wrong and pressed him for answers.

>

> He said there was no reason for me to feel hurt- even saying that had I sat

down to watch the movie with him and then, once the kids were in bed, " came on

to him, rubbed on him, etc, " that everything would have been different.

>

> In my co-dependent way I told him that I respected his needs and would work

harder at meeting them- but told him I was scared to death of acting too

romantic or asking that we " make love, " versus straight porn-style sex because I

was afraid that those actions would be considered off limits and part of his

" don't go there or I'm leaving you, " stance.

>

> I feel like a prisoner and I'm hurt that once again, find myself in a

relationship were my emotional needs don't matter but his do.

>

> After declaring that I would respect his needs I asked him to make the same

agreement- that we would work to make the other happy, which would help keep the

marriage healthy.

>

> His " agreement " shocked me. Instead of taking ownership and vowing to do

something I've said would mean the world to me he promised to " help around the

house more so I would have the energy to sit down with him and feel like doing

the things he wanted. "

>

> So basically, his stance was: I will help you meet my needs. Am I wrong at

feeling badly about this?

>

> When I told him that wasn't along the lines of what I promised him, he just

got angry, shut down and said " i dont' know what you want. Again, this is just

another example of how i'll never meet your needs. I don't know what you want. "

>

> So my question is: as children with BPDs- how has the discovery of yourself

and your working on you, and trying to take care of yourself and have your needs

met for a change, effected your relationship?

>

> Is this normal?

>

> We've tried marriage counseling but only went a few times and hubby told me he

had no intention of following through with her suggestions, that he only went to

shut me up- so I'm feeling trapped.

>

> AM I the one asking too much?

>

> In my warped sense of identity, i feel guilty. Just like my past relationship

with my nada I feel like if i work a little harder, do a little more.....

>

> Suggestions?

>

[Guest guest]

I started in therapy initially because my 3 year old was acting like my mother

and it scared me to death. That 1st therapist finally helped me identify that my

mother was acting like a 3 year old--my daughter was just being her age. 1st

light bulb moment.

Through 15 years of therapy I've learned a lot about myself and my

relationships. One thing that popped out as I started working on myself is that

my husband has intimacy issues--he avoided meeting my needs emotionally and

sexually for years. Then he would make up 'reasons' why he couldn't fulfill

those needs by subtly putting the blame on me (ex: 'you weren't here', 'you

aren't clear', 'you expect too much').

Marital therapy got to the bottom of a lot of it. I'll be honest with you, I was

already thinking of leaving him because of binge drinking. So he KNEW I was

serious about leaving him and that is the only reason I got him to participate

in therapy. The next umpteen years he would find new ways of avoiding

conversations, avoiding intimacy. And I'd have to call him on it for what is

was.

I can say now we have had a very good relationship for 8 years now, he hasn't

had a drink in 13 years and it is rare that he tries to pull the avoidance game

on me. Sure, he could be more romantic at times, but I have accepted romance

rarely enters his radar screen (he thinks filling my car with gas is

romantic--what a putz!)

There is a book out there called the Dance of Intimacy. You may find reading it

gives you some insight into the rhythm of your relationship and may help you

both understand how to meet each others' need better.

Good luck!

>

> One of the biggest messages I've taken to heart after discovering my nada's

issues and how I fit into the over-all dynamic is that I need to work on myself

and declare that I have emotional needs and not to feel guilty about those.

>

> I'm finding out how co-dependent I've really become. I haven't ever put my

needs above the needs of others- including my marital relationship.

>

> Overall, my husband of nearly 11 years has put up with a tremendous amount of

FOG and nada-related crisis. I admit: for many years I was her flying monkey. If

nada crossed boundaries, acted inappropriately I firmly stopped my husband from

taking action.

>

> I know now that my stopping him only reinforced to nada that her behavior was

OK.

>

> Nada aside, I'm now having (ok, these are years-old issues)similar issues with

my husband.

>

> We have long butted heads over his lack of affection(In the 13 years we've

been together I've never received a single love letter or poem. I've told him

that simple emails saying " thinking of you " or a post-it note on my steering

wheel that I would see leaving for work would have the same impact. I've even

told him that I would just like to slow dance in our living room once the kids

are in bed) Instead of respecting my emotional needs he's told me they are

'childlike' and 'stupid' since he doesn't require the same thing. Six months ago

he made the ultimatum that I either let go of my needs and my requests to have

my emotional needs met- or he would be filing for divorce. He flat told me that

he wasn't a romantic person and would not, ever, do any of the things I

suggested. That I needed to accept him the way he was. He said it made him feel

like I was telling him he was a failure.

>

> So basically, if we have sex: I initiate. If I want some romantic ambiance, I

prepare it. If I say I need held or would like to cuddle- I have to cuddle HIM.

>

> I've done my best to focus on his good qualities and have repressed my needs,

trying to get myself to believe his views- that what I'm asking for isn't

important. (years ago, when I found emails he was sending to an ex-girlfriend I

took responsibility for them, vowing that I would work to meet his sexual needs

so he didn't have to look elsewhere, since that is what he told me he needed,

that he wasn't getting-which led to his seeking it out elsewhere_

>

> So,ast night.

>

> While hubby was watching a " guy-flick " with our oldest son I prepped for a

late-night romantic encounter. I cleaned out our bedroom of all distraction and

replaced them with scented candles, massage oil within arms reach, music, etc.

>

> I thought we were on the same page- since we'd been flirting and he said he

was looking forward to the evening all day.

>

> Once the kiddos were in bed I asked him if he was ready to go to bed- knowing

that he knew what awaited him.

>

> His response was less than enthusiastic and it really hurt my feelings. I

wanted to hear: " babe, I've been ready all day, " not his shrugging his shoulders

and giving me a " eh, I guess. "

>

> I didn't know what I had done wrong and pressed him for answers.

>

> He said there was no reason for me to feel hurt- even saying that had I sat

down to watch the movie with him and then, once the kids were in bed, " came on

to him, rubbed on him, etc, " that everything would have been different.

>

> In my co-dependent way I told him that I respected his needs and would work

harder at meeting them- but told him I was scared to death of acting too

romantic or asking that we " make love, " versus straight porn-style sex because I

was afraid that those actions would be considered off limits and part of his

" don't go there or I'm leaving you, " stance.

>

> I feel like a prisoner and I'm hurt that once again, find myself in a

relationship were my emotional needs don't matter but his do.

>

> After declaring that I would respect his needs I asked him to make the same

agreement- that we would work to make the other happy, which would help keep the

marriage healthy.

>

> His " agreement " shocked me. Instead of taking ownership and vowing to do

something I've said would mean the world to me he promised to " help around the

house more so I would have the energy to sit down with him and feel like doing

the things he wanted. "

>

> So basically, his stance was: I will help you meet my needs. Am I wrong at

feeling badly about this?

>

> When I told him that wasn't along the lines of what I promised him, he just

got angry, shut down and said " i dont' know what you want. Again, this is just

another example of how i'll never meet your needs. I don't know what you want. "

>

> So my question is: as children with BPDs- how has the discovery of yourself

and your working on you, and trying to take care of yourself and have your needs

met for a change, effected your relationship?

>

> Is this normal?

>

> We've tried marriage counseling but only went a few times and hubby told me he

had no intention of following through with her suggestions, that he only went to

shut me up- so I'm feeling trapped.

>

> AM I the one asking too much?

>

> In my warped sense of identity, i feel guilty. Just like my past relationship

with my nada I feel like if i work a little harder, do a little more.....

>

> Suggestions?

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I had heard of that book and actually brought up the " love languages "

with him a few days ago. He is most definitely quality time and words of

appreciation! I am DEFINITELY touch and quality time!His idea of being romantic

is sitting on opposite sides of the couch and watching a movie haha he just

wants to physically be with me. I want to be in his arms all snuggled up!

Sometimes he is just not in the mood to be touched at all.  We had a heart to

heart about it the other day...I started crying and told him sometimes I dont

think he thinks I am beautiful since he doesn't initiate touch or sometimes

would push me away. He genuinely felt sorry and said that he thinks I am very

beautiful and I  told him that I need him to show me that. He has started to be

more affectionate with me since we talked. It is hard for me to separate him not

being affectionate with the idea that he is not attracted to me. I feel so

vulnerable sometimes about this insecurity.

I agree about the nada comment...no matter how hard I have tried to speak love

in her love language it just never seems to work

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, January 31, 2011 2:02:33 AM

Subject: Re: Now: problems with the spouse. How working on

self ripples into marriage. HELP!

 

Everyone has a different " love style " There are 5 distinct styles, they are:

1)Touch; 2)Words of appreciation; 3)Gifts; 4)Quality time; & 5)Acts of service.

It sounds like your style is Touch. Which one fits your boyfriend?

We make those we love happiest when we fulfill their preferred love style. When

our preferred love style is withheld it makes us feel unloved and uncared for.

Perhaps you can discuss your differing styles and come to a compromise about how

you both can get your needs met.

Understanding love styles can help you understand argument dynamics, too. Ex: my

husband's style is touch. When we get into an argument and he wants to soothe

me, he tries to use touch. My style is Words of appreciation, so touch doesn't

soothe me, it ticks me off more. I want affirmation instead.

I have used this information to make my relationship with my mother-in-law

happier. She likes Gifts, so I make sure I take some trinket for her every time

I see her.

FYI--I have not been able to use this on my nada--no matter what I do she is

suspicious and distrustful of my motives!

Look for more info in The 5 Love Languages, by Chapman.

>

> My boyfriend and I have the same problem. I am very affectionate and he is

not.

>

> I have expressedd to him many times that I need more hugs, snuggles, and

> affection from him and I feel really guilty about it. I have never been able

to

>

> express my wants and feelings before and I feel so selfish doing so. After

> expressing my needs sometimes he will give me a hug or something but then

> nothing really changes. Reading someone else write it out NO it isn't wrong to

> ask for affection from your significant other but what do you do when after

> asking those needs still go unmet? That is something I am trying to figure

out.

>

> I have expressed to him that it makes me feel unwanted when I am the one who

> always initiates affection or am rejected when I try to be close.

>

> Sorry I couldn't offer any advise. All I can say is I know how that can be

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sun, January 30, 2011 5:40:27 PM

> Subject: Now: problems with the spouse. How working on

self

>

> ripples into marriage. HELP!

>

>  

> One of the biggest messages I've taken to heart after discovering my nada's

> issues and how I fit into the over-all dynamic is that I need to work on

myself

>

> and declare that I have emotional needs and not to feel guilty about those.

>

>

> I'm finding out how co-dependent I've really become. I haven't ever put my

>needs

>

> above the needs of others- including my marital relationship.

>

>

> Overall, my husband of nearly 11 years has put up with a tremendous amount of

> FOG and nada-related crisis. I admit: for many years I was her flying monkey.

>If

>

> nada crossed boundaries, acted inappropriately I firmly stopped my husband

from

>

> taking action.

>

> I know now that my stopping him only reinforced to nada that her behavior was

> OK.

>

>

> Nada aside, I'm now having (ok, these are years-old issues)similar issues with

> my husband.

>

>

> We have long butted heads over his lack of affection(In the 13 years we've

been

>

> together I've never received a single love letter or poem. I've told him that

> simple emails saying " thinking of you " or a post-it note on my steering wheel

> that I would see leaving for work would have the same impact. I've even told

>him

>

> that I would just like to slow dance in our living room once the kids are in

> bed) Instead of respecting my emotional needs he's told me they are

'childlike'

>

> and 'stupid' since he doesn't require the same thing. Six months ago he made

>the

>

> ultimatum that I either let go of my needs and my requests to have my

emotional

>

> needs met- or he would be filing for divorce. He flat told me that he wasn't a

> romantic person and would not, ever, do any of the things I suggested. That I

> needed to accept him the way he was. He said it made him feel like I was

>telling

>

> him he was a failure.

>

> So basically, if we have sex: I initiate. If I want some romantic ambiance, I

> prepare it. If I say I need held or would like to cuddle- I have to cuddle

HIM.

>

>

>

> I've done my best to focus on his good qualities and have repressed my needs,

> trying to get myself to believe his views- that what I'm asking for isn't

> important. (years ago, when I found emails he was sending to an ex-girlfriend

I

>

> took responsibility for them, vowing that I would work to meet his sexual

needs

>

> so he didn't have to look elsewhere, since that is what he told me he needed,

> that he wasn't getting-which led to his seeking it out elsewhere_

>

> So,ast night.

>

> While hubby was watching a " guy-flick " with our oldest son I prepped for a

> late-night romantic encounter. I cleaned out our bedroom of all distraction

and

>

> replaced them with scented candles, massage oil within arms reach, music, etc.

>

>

> I thought we were on the same page- since we'd been flirting and he said he

was

>

> looking forward to the evening all day.

>

> Once the kiddos were in bed I asked him if he was ready to go to bed- knowing

> that he knew what awaited him.

>

>

> His response was less than enthusiastic and it really hurt my feelings. I

>wanted

>

> to hear: " babe, I've been ready all day, " not his shrugging his shoulders and

> giving me a " eh, I guess. "

>

> I didn't know what I had done wrong and pressed him for answers.

>

> He said there was no reason for me to feel hurt- even saying that had I sat

>down

>

> to watch the movie with him and then, once the kids were in bed, " came on to

> him, rubbed on him, etc, " that everything would have been different.

>

>

> In my co-dependent way I told him that I respected his needs and would work

> harder at meeting them- but told him I was scared to death of acting too

> romantic or asking that we " make love, " versus straight porn-style sex because

>I

>

> was afraid that those actions would be considered off limits and part of his

> " don't go there or I'm leaving you, " stance.

>

>

> I feel like a prisoner and I'm hurt that once again, find myself in a

> relationship were my emotional needs don't matter but his do.

>

>

> After declaring that I would respect his needs I asked him to make the same

> agreement- that we would work to make the other happy, which would help keep

>the

>

> marriage healthy.

>

>

> His " agreement " shocked me. Instead of taking ownership and vowing to do

> something I've said would mean the world to me he promised to " help around the

> house more so I would have the energy to sit down with him and feel like doing

> the things he wanted. "

>

> So basically, his stance was: I will help you meet my needs. Am I wrong at

> feeling badly about this?

>

>

> When I told him that wasn't along the lines of what I promised him, he just

got

>

> angry, shut down and said " i dont' know what you want. Again, this is just

> another example of how i'll never meet your needs. I don't know what you

want. "

>

> So my question is: as children with BPDs- how has the discovery of yourself

and

>

> your working on you, and trying to take care of yourself and have your needs

>met

>

> for a change, effected your relationship?

>

> Is this normal?

>

> We've tried marriage counseling but only went a few times and hubby told me he

> had no intention of following through with her suggestions, that he only went

>to

>

> shut me up- so I'm feeling trapped.

>

> AM I the one asking too much?

>

> In my warped sense of identity, i feel guilty. Just like my past relationship

> with my nada I feel like if i work a little harder, do a little more.....

>

> Suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I had heard of that book and actually brought up the " love languages "

with him a few days ago. He is most definitely quality time and words of

appreciation! I am DEFINITELY touch and quality time!His idea of being romantic

is sitting on opposite sides of the couch and watching a movie haha he just

wants to physically be with me. I want to be in his arms all snuggled up!

Sometimes he is just not in the mood to be touched at all.  We had a heart to

heart about it the other day...I started crying and told him sometimes I dont

think he thinks I am beautiful since he doesn't initiate touch or sometimes

would push me away. He genuinely felt sorry and said that he thinks I am very

beautiful and I  told him that I need him to show me that. He has started to be

more affectionate with me since we talked. It is hard for me to separate him not

being affectionate with the idea that he is not attracted to me. I feel so

vulnerable sometimes about this insecurity.

I agree about the nada comment...no matter how hard I have tried to speak love

in her love language it just never seems to work

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, January 31, 2011 2:02:33 AM

Subject: Re: Now: problems with the spouse. How working on

self ripples into marriage. HELP!

 

Everyone has a different " love style " There are 5 distinct styles, they are:

1)Touch; 2)Words of appreciation; 3)Gifts; 4)Quality time; & 5)Acts of service.

It sounds like your style is Touch. Which one fits your boyfriend?

We make those we love happiest when we fulfill their preferred love style. When

our preferred love style is withheld it makes us feel unloved and uncared for.

Perhaps you can discuss your differing styles and come to a compromise about how

you both can get your needs met.

Understanding love styles can help you understand argument dynamics, too. Ex: my

husband's style is touch. When we get into an argument and he wants to soothe

me, he tries to use touch. My style is Words of appreciation, so touch doesn't

soothe me, it ticks me off more. I want affirmation instead.

I have used this information to make my relationship with my mother-in-law

happier. She likes Gifts, so I make sure I take some trinket for her every time

I see her.

FYI--I have not been able to use this on my nada--no matter what I do she is

suspicious and distrustful of my motives!

Look for more info in The 5 Love Languages, by Chapman.

>

> My boyfriend and I have the same problem. I am very affectionate and he is

not.

>

> I have expressedd to him many times that I need more hugs, snuggles, and

> affection from him and I feel really guilty about it. I have never been able

to

>

> express my wants and feelings before and I feel so selfish doing so. After

> expressing my needs sometimes he will give me a hug or something but then

> nothing really changes. Reading someone else write it out NO it isn't wrong to

> ask for affection from your significant other but what do you do when after

> asking those needs still go unmet? That is something I am trying to figure

out.

>

> I have expressed to him that it makes me feel unwanted when I am the one who

> always initiates affection or am rejected when I try to be close.

>

> Sorry I couldn't offer any advise. All I can say is I know how that can be

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sun, January 30, 2011 5:40:27 PM

> Subject: Now: problems with the spouse. How working on

self

>

> ripples into marriage. HELP!

>

>  

> One of the biggest messages I've taken to heart after discovering my nada's

> issues and how I fit into the over-all dynamic is that I need to work on

myself

>

> and declare that I have emotional needs and not to feel guilty about those.

>

>

> I'm finding out how co-dependent I've really become. I haven't ever put my

>needs

>

> above the needs of others- including my marital relationship.

>

>

> Overall, my husband of nearly 11 years has put up with a tremendous amount of

> FOG and nada-related crisis. I admit: for many years I was her flying monkey.

>If

>

> nada crossed boundaries, acted inappropriately I firmly stopped my husband

from

>

> taking action.

>

> I know now that my stopping him only reinforced to nada that her behavior was

> OK.

>

>

> Nada aside, I'm now having (ok, these are years-old issues)similar issues with

> my husband.

>

>

> We have long butted heads over his lack of affection(In the 13 years we've

been

>

> together I've never received a single love letter or poem. I've told him that

> simple emails saying " thinking of you " or a post-it note on my steering wheel

> that I would see leaving for work would have the same impact. I've even told

>him

>

> that I would just like to slow dance in our living room once the kids are in

> bed) Instead of respecting my emotional needs he's told me they are

'childlike'

>

> and 'stupid' since he doesn't require the same thing. Six months ago he made

>the

>

> ultimatum that I either let go of my needs and my requests to have my

emotional

>

> needs met- or he would be filing for divorce. He flat told me that he wasn't a

> romantic person and would not, ever, do any of the things I suggested. That I

> needed to accept him the way he was. He said it made him feel like I was

>telling

>

> him he was a failure.

>

> So basically, if we have sex: I initiate. If I want some romantic ambiance, I

> prepare it. If I say I need held or would like to cuddle- I have to cuddle

HIM.

>

>

>

> I've done my best to focus on his good qualities and have repressed my needs,

> trying to get myself to believe his views- that what I'm asking for isn't

> important. (years ago, when I found emails he was sending to an ex-girlfriend

I

>

> took responsibility for them, vowing that I would work to meet his sexual

needs

>

> so he didn't have to look elsewhere, since that is what he told me he needed,

> that he wasn't getting-which led to his seeking it out elsewhere_

>

> So,ast night.

>

> While hubby was watching a " guy-flick " with our oldest son I prepped for a

> late-night romantic encounter. I cleaned out our bedroom of all distraction

and

>

> replaced them with scented candles, massage oil within arms reach, music, etc.

>

>

> I thought we were on the same page- since we'd been flirting and he said he

was

>

> looking forward to the evening all day.

>

> Once the kiddos were in bed I asked him if he was ready to go to bed- knowing

> that he knew what awaited him.

>

>

> His response was less than enthusiastic and it really hurt my feelings. I

>wanted

>

> to hear: " babe, I've been ready all day, " not his shrugging his shoulders and

> giving me a " eh, I guess. "

>

> I didn't know what I had done wrong and pressed him for answers.

>

> He said there was no reason for me to feel hurt- even saying that had I sat

>down

>

> to watch the movie with him and then, once the kids were in bed, " came on to

> him, rubbed on him, etc, " that everything would have been different.

>

>

> In my co-dependent way I told him that I respected his needs and would work

> harder at meeting them- but told him I was scared to death of acting too

> romantic or asking that we " make love, " versus straight porn-style sex because

>I

>

> was afraid that those actions would be considered off limits and part of his

> " don't go there or I'm leaving you, " stance.

>

>

> I feel like a prisoner and I'm hurt that once again, find myself in a

> relationship were my emotional needs don't matter but his do.

>

>

> After declaring that I would respect his needs I asked him to make the same

> agreement- that we would work to make the other happy, which would help keep

>the

>

> marriage healthy.

>

>

> His " agreement " shocked me. Instead of taking ownership and vowing to do

> something I've said would mean the world to me he promised to " help around the

> house more so I would have the energy to sit down with him and feel like doing

> the things he wanted. "

>

> So basically, his stance was: I will help you meet my needs. Am I wrong at

> feeling badly about this?

>

>

> When I told him that wasn't along the lines of what I promised him, he just

got

>

> angry, shut down and said " i dont' know what you want. Again, this is just

> another example of how i'll never meet your needs. I don't know what you

want. "

>

> So my question is: as children with BPDs- how has the discovery of yourself

and

>

> your working on you, and trying to take care of yourself and have your needs

>met

>

> for a change, effected your relationship?

>

> Is this normal?

>

> We've tried marriage counseling but only went a few times and hubby told me he

> had no intention of following through with her suggestions, that he only went

>to

>

> shut me up- so I'm feeling trapped.

>

> AM I the one asking too much?

>

> In my warped sense of identity, i feel guilty. Just like my past relationship

> with my nada I feel like if i work a little harder, do a little more.....

>

> Suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I had heard of that book and actually brought up the " love languages "

with him a few days ago. He is most definitely quality time and words of

appreciation! I am DEFINITELY touch and quality time!His idea of being romantic

is sitting on opposite sides of the couch and watching a movie haha he just

wants to physically be with me. I want to be in his arms all snuggled up!

Sometimes he is just not in the mood to be touched at all.  We had a heart to

heart about it the other day...I started crying and told him sometimes I dont

think he thinks I am beautiful since he doesn't initiate touch or sometimes

would push me away. He genuinely felt sorry and said that he thinks I am very

beautiful and I  told him that I need him to show me that. He has started to be

more affectionate with me since we talked. It is hard for me to separate him not

being affectionate with the idea that he is not attracted to me. I feel so

vulnerable sometimes about this insecurity.

I agree about the nada comment...no matter how hard I have tried to speak love

in her love language it just never seems to work

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, January 31, 2011 2:02:33 AM

Subject: Re: Now: problems with the spouse. How working on

self ripples into marriage. HELP!

 

Everyone has a different " love style " There are 5 distinct styles, they are:

1)Touch; 2)Words of appreciation; 3)Gifts; 4)Quality time; & 5)Acts of service.

It sounds like your style is Touch. Which one fits your boyfriend?

We make those we love happiest when we fulfill their preferred love style. When

our preferred love style is withheld it makes us feel unloved and uncared for.

Perhaps you can discuss your differing styles and come to a compromise about how

you both can get your needs met.

Understanding love styles can help you understand argument dynamics, too. Ex: my

husband's style is touch. When we get into an argument and he wants to soothe

me, he tries to use touch. My style is Words of appreciation, so touch doesn't

soothe me, it ticks me off more. I want affirmation instead.

I have used this information to make my relationship with my mother-in-law

happier. She likes Gifts, so I make sure I take some trinket for her every time

I see her.

FYI--I have not been able to use this on my nada--no matter what I do she is

suspicious and distrustful of my motives!

Look for more info in The 5 Love Languages, by Chapman.

>

> My boyfriend and I have the same problem. I am very affectionate and he is

not.

>

> I have expressedd to him many times that I need more hugs, snuggles, and

> affection from him and I feel really guilty about it. I have never been able

to

>

> express my wants and feelings before and I feel so selfish doing so. After

> expressing my needs sometimes he will give me a hug or something but then

> nothing really changes. Reading someone else write it out NO it isn't wrong to

> ask for affection from your significant other but what do you do when after

> asking those needs still go unmet? That is something I am trying to figure

out.

>

> I have expressed to him that it makes me feel unwanted when I am the one who

> always initiates affection or am rejected when I try to be close.

>

> Sorry I couldn't offer any advise. All I can say is I know how that can be

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sun, January 30, 2011 5:40:27 PM

> Subject: Now: problems with the spouse. How working on

self

>

> ripples into marriage. HELP!

>

>  

> One of the biggest messages I've taken to heart after discovering my nada's

> issues and how I fit into the over-all dynamic is that I need to work on

myself

>

> and declare that I have emotional needs and not to feel guilty about those.

>

>

> I'm finding out how co-dependent I've really become. I haven't ever put my

>needs

>

> above the needs of others- including my marital relationship.

>

>

> Overall, my husband of nearly 11 years has put up with a tremendous amount of

> FOG and nada-related crisis. I admit: for many years I was her flying monkey.

>If

>

> nada crossed boundaries, acted inappropriately I firmly stopped my husband

from

>

> taking action.

>

> I know now that my stopping him only reinforced to nada that her behavior was

> OK.

>

>

> Nada aside, I'm now having (ok, these are years-old issues)similar issues with

> my husband.

>

>

> We have long butted heads over his lack of affection(In the 13 years we've

been

>

> together I've never received a single love letter or poem. I've told him that

> simple emails saying " thinking of you " or a post-it note on my steering wheel

> that I would see leaving for work would have the same impact. I've even told

>him

>

> that I would just like to slow dance in our living room once the kids are in

> bed) Instead of respecting my emotional needs he's told me they are

'childlike'

>

> and 'stupid' since he doesn't require the same thing. Six months ago he made

>the

>

> ultimatum that I either let go of my needs and my requests to have my

emotional

>

> needs met- or he would be filing for divorce. He flat told me that he wasn't a

> romantic person and would not, ever, do any of the things I suggested. That I

> needed to accept him the way he was. He said it made him feel like I was

>telling

>

> him he was a failure.

>

> So basically, if we have sex: I initiate. If I want some romantic ambiance, I

> prepare it. If I say I need held or would like to cuddle- I have to cuddle

HIM.

>

>

>

> I've done my best to focus on his good qualities and have repressed my needs,

> trying to get myself to believe his views- that what I'm asking for isn't

> important. (years ago, when I found emails he was sending to an ex-girlfriend

I

>

> took responsibility for them, vowing that I would work to meet his sexual

needs

>

> so he didn't have to look elsewhere, since that is what he told me he needed,

> that he wasn't getting-which led to his seeking it out elsewhere_

>

> So,ast night.

>

> While hubby was watching a " guy-flick " with our oldest son I prepped for a

> late-night romantic encounter. I cleaned out our bedroom of all distraction

and

>

> replaced them with scented candles, massage oil within arms reach, music, etc.

>

>

> I thought we were on the same page- since we'd been flirting and he said he

was

>

> looking forward to the evening all day.

>

> Once the kiddos were in bed I asked him if he was ready to go to bed- knowing

> that he knew what awaited him.

>

>

> His response was less than enthusiastic and it really hurt my feelings. I

>wanted

>

> to hear: " babe, I've been ready all day, " not his shrugging his shoulders and

> giving me a " eh, I guess. "

>

> I didn't know what I had done wrong and pressed him for answers.

>

> He said there was no reason for me to feel hurt- even saying that had I sat

>down

>

> to watch the movie with him and then, once the kids were in bed, " came on to

> him, rubbed on him, etc, " that everything would have been different.

>

>

> In my co-dependent way I told him that I respected his needs and would work

> harder at meeting them- but told him I was scared to death of acting too

> romantic or asking that we " make love, " versus straight porn-style sex because

>I

>

> was afraid that those actions would be considered off limits and part of his

> " don't go there or I'm leaving you, " stance.

>

>

> I feel like a prisoner and I'm hurt that once again, find myself in a

> relationship were my emotional needs don't matter but his do.

>

>

> After declaring that I would respect his needs I asked him to make the same

> agreement- that we would work to make the other happy, which would help keep

>the

>

> marriage healthy.

>

>

> His " agreement " shocked me. Instead of taking ownership and vowing to do

> something I've said would mean the world to me he promised to " help around the

> house more so I would have the energy to sit down with him and feel like doing

> the things he wanted. "

>

> So basically, his stance was: I will help you meet my needs. Am I wrong at

> feeling badly about this?

>

>

> When I told him that wasn't along the lines of what I promised him, he just

got

>

> angry, shut down and said " i dont' know what you want. Again, this is just

> another example of how i'll never meet your needs. I don't know what you

want. "

>

> So my question is: as children with BPDs- how has the discovery of yourself

and

>

> your working on you, and trying to take care of yourself and have your needs

>met

>

> for a change, effected your relationship?

>

> Is this normal?

>

> We've tried marriage counseling but only went a few times and hubby told me he

> had no intention of following through with her suggestions, that he only went

>to

>

> shut me up- so I'm feeling trapped.

>

> AM I the one asking too much?

>

> In my warped sense of identity, i feel guilty. Just like my past relationship

> with my nada I feel like if i work a little harder, do a little more.....

>

> Suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>