Re: Gender attack ---- and how does nada choose the golden

[Guest guest]

Fada was always harder on the boys. I don't know why. I have 3 little

brothers, and he's always harsher, more critical, more demanding of them

than the girls. And I always thought it was unfair. It's also unfair to my 2

little sisters and myself, who are the golden children, who always do what

Fada wants, and are submissive, etc. Not to say we don't ever avoid all his

attacks--he does rage and yell at us too, and we can hardly measure up to

his ideals. Such as being harder on my littlest sister because she's tender

and is prone to crying and is sensitive to unhappiness and anger in the

family.

I still daydream about taking guardianship of the four littlest ones, girl

boy girl boy, ages...wow, she's going to be 13, he's 11 1/2, she'll be 9

soon, and he's 7 1/2. I think. I'm really bad at math. But they're growing

up. Wow.

On Fri, Jan 21, 2011 at 10:14 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

>

>

> So guys, i know I've brought this up before. And T and I are discussing it

> in an ongoing conversation. . . but did anyone else's nada hate them

> because

> of their gender?

>

> My FOO only had 2 living children. A boy and a girl (me). And nada said all

> the time in a sappy syrup voice " you are the baby girl I always wanted. "

>

> Finally in my 20s I responded to the baby girl I always wanted thing with,

> no, i don't think i am, I think that's a lie. And nada said, " Oh, you are

> right, I had something else in mind for a daughter, not so spiney, strong

> willed and bitchy. " Or something like that. And she never said that hated

> phrase to me again.

>

> My older brother was golden from the moment I came home from the hospital,

> just hours old. i was the family hero, caregiver, scapegoat, hated child,

> reject, odd man out, daddy's little helper, hostess, basically the real

> wife

> and mom role etc but never ever once was I golden. it sounds like a lot of

> nadas chage their minds about who is golden day to day. Mine didn't.

>

> I think a huge factor in me being painted black was simply my gender. Nada

> did not like other women. They were the competition. She didn't have " real "

> girlfriends. She had rescuers instead. She attacked my femininity at every

> turn. She tried to make me look and act like a boy.

>

> I think I confused my T when I said I think I have a gender identity

> problem. She thought I mean that I think I'm a man or something. No, no,

> I'm

> 100% woman, I'm as girly a girly girl as the come (except I love bugs and

> snakes and I'm not a pansy). But, the gender identity issue is with

> believing its not okay to be so feminine. That it makes you less than. That

> its a negative trait. Part of me knows its a wonderful trait, but the

> little

> girl deep inside is ashamed.

>

> And it doesn't help me at all when men sexually harass me at the office. Or

> when my boss can't stop touching my hair and telling me to brush it or

> confine it to a pony tail (I find that so unproffsional by the way). Or

> when

> my boss tells me I should wear pants and not let the world see my legs,

> which in the next breath she exclaims are beautiful (letting know that its

> jealousy talking, not professional decorum. (And by the way, I don't wear

> uber short or tight clothing to work. if I did I guess I could understand

> it. Even then, I'd prefer the quality of my work be the focus, rather than

> my legs.)

>

> My point is, I think we live in a strange world. You are damned if you are

> attractive. And you are damned if you are unattractive. And the fact that

> we

> are men who want to be women, women who want to be men, gay, straight,

> bisexual or just plain in a committed relationship for a long time (me)

> gives people material to attack. (And yes, I do come up against resistance

> and jealousy simply because i have a great relationship with my boyfriend.

> My T says it is uncommon and amazing that with my childhood i could form

> such a close and healing bond.)

>

> Why do they attack for any old trait? Why not save it for a missed deadline

> or a screwed up assignment or an unhappy customer? Or in the case of

> parents

> save it for gettng arrested, earning a " C " or " D " (I always got in trouble

> for Bs by the way, bugged the shit out of nada that I was a better student

> than her), getting pregnant at age 15, or needing to enter a rehab. Why

> attack a child who has done nothing but be female? But wait, I'm a model

> employee and my assignments are done on time and my clients are very

> happy. I was the same way as a kid, I had dinner on the table when dad got

> home from work, I always got in trouble for cleaning the house because I

> might move something of nada's, I worked hard and took care of everyone in

> the house. Well, that doesn't leave them much to pick on, does it? And it

> makes them feel more threatened because they are the boss or " mom " but

> can't

> do the job as well or with as little drama as I can and I don't even ask

> for

> the credit.

>

> UGH sometimes I hate people. . .

>

>

[Guest guest]

Fada was always harder on the boys. I don't know why. I have 3 little

brothers, and he's always harsher, more critical, more demanding of them

than the girls. And I always thought it was unfair. It's also unfair to my 2

little sisters and myself, who are the golden children, who always do what

Fada wants, and are submissive, etc. Not to say we don't ever avoid all his

attacks--he does rage and yell at us too, and we can hardly measure up to

his ideals. Such as being harder on my littlest sister because she's tender

and is prone to crying and is sensitive to unhappiness and anger in the

family.

I still daydream about taking guardianship of the four littlest ones, girl

boy girl boy, ages...wow, she's going to be 13, he's 11 1/2, she'll be 9

soon, and he's 7 1/2. I think. I'm really bad at math. But they're growing

up. Wow.

On Fri, Jan 21, 2011 at 10:14 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

>

>

> So guys, i know I've brought this up before. And T and I are discussing it

> in an ongoing conversation. . . but did anyone else's nada hate them

> because

> of their gender?

>

> My FOO only had 2 living children. A boy and a girl (me). And nada said all

> the time in a sappy syrup voice " you are the baby girl I always wanted. "

>

> Finally in my 20s I responded to the baby girl I always wanted thing with,

> no, i don't think i am, I think that's a lie. And nada said, " Oh, you are

> right, I had something else in mind for a daughter, not so spiney, strong

> willed and bitchy. " Or something like that. And she never said that hated

> phrase to me again.

>

> My older brother was golden from the moment I came home from the hospital,

> just hours old. i was the family hero, caregiver, scapegoat, hated child,

> reject, odd man out, daddy's little helper, hostess, basically the real

> wife

> and mom role etc but never ever once was I golden. it sounds like a lot of

> nadas chage their minds about who is golden day to day. Mine didn't.

>

> I think a huge factor in me being painted black was simply my gender. Nada

> did not like other women. They were the competition. She didn't have " real "

> girlfriends. She had rescuers instead. She attacked my femininity at every

> turn. She tried to make me look and act like a boy.

>

> I think I confused my T when I said I think I have a gender identity

> problem. She thought I mean that I think I'm a man or something. No, no,

> I'm

> 100% woman, I'm as girly a girly girl as the come (except I love bugs and

> snakes and I'm not a pansy). But, the gender identity issue is with

> believing its not okay to be so feminine. That it makes you less than. That

> its a negative trait. Part of me knows its a wonderful trait, but the

> little

> girl deep inside is ashamed.

>

> And it doesn't help me at all when men sexually harass me at the office. Or

> when my boss can't stop touching my hair and telling me to brush it or

> confine it to a pony tail (I find that so unproffsional by the way). Or

> when

> my boss tells me I should wear pants and not let the world see my legs,

> which in the next breath she exclaims are beautiful (letting know that its

> jealousy talking, not professional decorum. (And by the way, I don't wear

> uber short or tight clothing to work. if I did I guess I could understand

> it. Even then, I'd prefer the quality of my work be the focus, rather than

> my legs.)

>

> My point is, I think we live in a strange world. You are damned if you are

> attractive. And you are damned if you are unattractive. And the fact that

> we

> are men who want to be women, women who want to be men, gay, straight,

> bisexual or just plain in a committed relationship for a long time (me)

> gives people material to attack. (And yes, I do come up against resistance

> and jealousy simply because i have a great relationship with my boyfriend.

> My T says it is uncommon and amazing that with my childhood i could form

> such a close and healing bond.)

>

> Why do they attack for any old trait? Why not save it for a missed deadline

> or a screwed up assignment or an unhappy customer? Or in the case of

> parents

> save it for gettng arrested, earning a " C " or " D " (I always got in trouble

> for Bs by the way, bugged the shit out of nada that I was a better student

> than her), getting pregnant at age 15, or needing to enter a rehab. Why

> attack a child who has done nothing but be female? But wait, I'm a model

> employee and my assignments are done on time and my clients are very

> happy. I was the same way as a kid, I had dinner on the table when dad got

> home from work, I always got in trouble for cleaning the house because I

> might move something of nada's, I worked hard and took care of everyone in

> the house. Well, that doesn't leave them much to pick on, does it? And it

> makes them feel more threatened because they are the boss or " mom " but

> can't

> do the job as well or with as little drama as I can and I don't even ask

> for

> the credit.

>

> UGH sometimes I hate people. . .

>

>

[Guest guest]

Fada was always harder on the boys. I don't know why. I have 3 little

brothers, and he's always harsher, more critical, more demanding of them

than the girls. And I always thought it was unfair. It's also unfair to my 2

little sisters and myself, who are the golden children, who always do what

Fada wants, and are submissive, etc. Not to say we don't ever avoid all his

attacks--he does rage and yell at us too, and we can hardly measure up to

his ideals. Such as being harder on my littlest sister because she's tender

and is prone to crying and is sensitive to unhappiness and anger in the

family.

I still daydream about taking guardianship of the four littlest ones, girl

boy girl boy, ages...wow, she's going to be 13, he's 11 1/2, she'll be 9

soon, and he's 7 1/2. I think. I'm really bad at math. But they're growing

up. Wow.

On Fri, Jan 21, 2011 at 10:14 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

>

>

> So guys, i know I've brought this up before. And T and I are discussing it

> in an ongoing conversation. . . but did anyone else's nada hate them

> because

> of their gender?

>

> My FOO only had 2 living children. A boy and a girl (me). And nada said all

> the time in a sappy syrup voice " you are the baby girl I always wanted. "

>

> Finally in my 20s I responded to the baby girl I always wanted thing with,

> no, i don't think i am, I think that's a lie. And nada said, " Oh, you are

> right, I had something else in mind for a daughter, not so spiney, strong

> willed and bitchy. " Or something like that. And she never said that hated

> phrase to me again.

>

> My older brother was golden from the moment I came home from the hospital,

> just hours old. i was the family hero, caregiver, scapegoat, hated child,

> reject, odd man out, daddy's little helper, hostess, basically the real

> wife

> and mom role etc but never ever once was I golden. it sounds like a lot of

> nadas chage their minds about who is golden day to day. Mine didn't.

>

> I think a huge factor in me being painted black was simply my gender. Nada

> did not like other women. They were the competition. She didn't have " real "

> girlfriends. She had rescuers instead. She attacked my femininity at every

> turn. She tried to make me look and act like a boy.

>

> I think I confused my T when I said I think I have a gender identity

> problem. She thought I mean that I think I'm a man or something. No, no,

> I'm

> 100% woman, I'm as girly a girly girl as the come (except I love bugs and

> snakes and I'm not a pansy). But, the gender identity issue is with

> believing its not okay to be so feminine. That it makes you less than. That

> its a negative trait. Part of me knows its a wonderful trait, but the

> little

> girl deep inside is ashamed.

>

> And it doesn't help me at all when men sexually harass me at the office. Or

> when my boss can't stop touching my hair and telling me to brush it or

> confine it to a pony tail (I find that so unproffsional by the way). Or

> when

> my boss tells me I should wear pants and not let the world see my legs,

> which in the next breath she exclaims are beautiful (letting know that its

> jealousy talking, not professional decorum. (And by the way, I don't wear

> uber short or tight clothing to work. if I did I guess I could understand

> it. Even then, I'd prefer the quality of my work be the focus, rather than

> my legs.)

>

> My point is, I think we live in a strange world. You are damned if you are

> attractive. And you are damned if you are unattractive. And the fact that

> we

> are men who want to be women, women who want to be men, gay, straight,

> bisexual or just plain in a committed relationship for a long time (me)

> gives people material to attack. (And yes, I do come up against resistance

> and jealousy simply because i have a great relationship with my boyfriend.

> My T says it is uncommon and amazing that with my childhood i could form

> such a close and healing bond.)

>

> Why do they attack for any old trait? Why not save it for a missed deadline

> or a screwed up assignment or an unhappy customer? Or in the case of

> parents

> save it for gettng arrested, earning a " C " or " D " (I always got in trouble

> for Bs by the way, bugged the shit out of nada that I was a better student

> than her), getting pregnant at age 15, or needing to enter a rehab. Why

> attack a child who has done nothing but be female? But wait, I'm a model

> employee and my assignments are done on time and my clients are very

> happy. I was the same way as a kid, I had dinner on the table when dad got

> home from work, I always got in trouble for cleaning the house because I

> might move something of nada's, I worked hard and took care of everyone in

> the house. Well, that doesn't leave them much to pick on, does it? And it

> makes them feel more threatened because they are the boss or " mom " but

> can't

> do the job as well or with as little drama as I can and I don't even ask

> for

> the credit.

>

> UGH sometimes I hate people. . .

>

>

[Guest guest]

Mia, I have said my entire life that I do not have any desire to marry or

procreate. At all. Period. People have a very hard time understanding why an

attractive woman who is not a nun would feel that way.

I relate to everything you say about gender identity. You are not alone in

having those thoughts. Just know that.

[Guest guest]

Mia, I have said my entire life that I do not have any desire to marry or

procreate. At all. Period. People have a very hard time understanding why an

attractive woman who is not a nun would feel that way.

I relate to everything you say about gender identity. You are not alone in

having those thoughts. Just know that.

[Guest guest]

Mia, I have said my entire life that I do not have any desire to marry or

procreate. At all. Period. People have a very hard time understanding why an

attractive woman who is not a nun would feel that way.

I relate to everything you say about gender identity. You are not alone in

having those thoughts. Just know that.

[Guest guest]

Thanks . Sorry you have to deal with it too.

Mia

>

>

> Mia, I have said my entire life that I do not have any desire to marry or

> procreate. At all. Period. People have a very hard time understanding why an

> attractive woman who is not a nun would feel that way.

>

> I relate to everything you say about gender identity. You are not alone in

> having those thoughts. Just know that.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks . Sorry you have to deal with it too.

Mia

>

>

> Mia, I have said my entire life that I do not have any desire to marry or

> procreate. At all. Period. People have a very hard time understanding why an

> attractive woman who is not a nun would feel that way.

>

> I relate to everything you say about gender identity. You are not alone in

> having those thoughts. Just know that.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

For me, it's also the stepchildren that are black (my brother and me) and

stepnada's biological children that are golden. In fact, when my dad first got

together with her, stepnada painted my brother black immediately, probably

because my brother was more headstrong and difficult than I was. He was never

interested in making sure that anyone liked him. I am definitely a

people-pleaser, although I'm working on that! I always thought that my

stepbrother and stepsister were both golden, but now I'm not so sure. Dad told

me that stepbrother will not allow them to visit him (sounds like a no contact

situation to me!), because (stepnada's story goes) stepbrother is a

fundamentalist christian and he won't spend time with anyone who isn't.

I can see why my brother and I would be painted black, because she perceives us

as a threat to her relationship to Dad. Stepnada has (supposedly) a great

relationship with her biological daughter, a fact which they are always throwing

in my face. " See, you're just not trying hard enough. Your stepsister has a

great relationship with stepnada. " And sometimes I wonder about that, because it

really does look like they have a decent relationship. Of course, I hardly ever

see these people, so I guess I don't really know. But do any of you know golden

children who do have a " great " relationship with the nada? Or are they just

working really hard to stay within nada's bounds?

[Guest guest]

For me, it's also the stepchildren that are black (my brother and me) and

stepnada's biological children that are golden. In fact, when my dad first got

together with her, stepnada painted my brother black immediately, probably

because my brother was more headstrong and difficult than I was. He was never

interested in making sure that anyone liked him. I am definitely a

people-pleaser, although I'm working on that! I always thought that my

stepbrother and stepsister were both golden, but now I'm not so sure. Dad told

me that stepbrother will not allow them to visit him (sounds like a no contact

situation to me!), because (stepnada's story goes) stepbrother is a

fundamentalist christian and he won't spend time with anyone who isn't.

I can see why my brother and I would be painted black, because she perceives us

as a threat to her relationship to Dad. Stepnada has (supposedly) a great

relationship with her biological daughter, a fact which they are always throwing

in my face. " See, you're just not trying hard enough. Your stepsister has a

great relationship with stepnada. " And sometimes I wonder about that, because it

really does look like they have a decent relationship. Of course, I hardly ever

see these people, so I guess I don't really know. But do any of you know golden

children who do have a " great " relationship with the nada? Or are they just

working really hard to stay within nada's bounds?

[Guest guest]

Up until I was in my mid-thirties, I was very close to my parents. Way too

close; in fact: unhealthily enmeshed. They were virtually my only social life;

I had strongly trauma-bonded with nada, and dad was always just sweet, dishrag

dad who was along for the ride. Rarely dating and just going to visit my

parents on weekends seemed " normal " to me. Then, when I was about 33 or so they

moved across country from me. I became very isolated then, had no social life

at all for a long time. Starting in my early 50's I began reaching out,

becoming more sociable, developing a few close friends, joining activity groups

and meeting others who share my interests. I'm more sociable now than I've been

in a long, long time.

So, appearances can be deceiving. What looks like a normal, close

mother-daughter relationship on the outside might just be enmeshment if one or

both parties have personality disorder.

-Annie

>

> For me, it's also the stepchildren that are black (my brother and me) and

stepnada's biological children that are golden. In fact, when my dad first got

together with her, stepnada painted my brother black immediately, probably

because my brother was more headstrong and difficult than I was. He was never

interested in making sure that anyone liked him. I am definitely a

people-pleaser, although I'm working on that! I always thought that my

stepbrother and stepsister were both golden, but now I'm not so sure. Dad told

me that stepbrother will not allow them to visit him (sounds like a no contact

situation to me!), because (stepnada's story goes) stepbrother is a

fundamentalist christian and he won't spend time with anyone who isn't.

>

> I can see why my brother and I would be painted black, because she perceives

us as a threat to her relationship to Dad. Stepnada has (supposedly) a great

relationship with her biological daughter, a fact which they are always throwing

in my face. " See, you're just not trying hard enough. Your stepsister has a

great relationship with stepnada. " And sometimes I wonder about that, because it

really does look like they have a decent relationship. Of course, I hardly ever

see these people, so I guess I don't really know. But do any of you know golden

children who do have a " great " relationship with the nada? Or are they just

working really hard to stay within nada's bounds?

>

[Guest guest]

Up until I was in my mid-thirties, I was very close to my parents. Way too

close; in fact: unhealthily enmeshed. They were virtually my only social life;

I had strongly trauma-bonded with nada, and dad was always just sweet, dishrag

dad who was along for the ride. Rarely dating and just going to visit my

parents on weekends seemed " normal " to me. Then, when I was about 33 or so they

moved across country from me. I became very isolated then, had no social life

at all for a long time. Starting in my early 50's I began reaching out,

becoming more sociable, developing a few close friends, joining activity groups

and meeting others who share my interests. I'm more sociable now than I've been

in a long, long time.

So, appearances can be deceiving. What looks like a normal, close

mother-daughter relationship on the outside might just be enmeshment if one or

both parties have personality disorder.

-Annie

>

> For me, it's also the stepchildren that are black (my brother and me) and

stepnada's biological children that are golden. In fact, when my dad first got

together with her, stepnada painted my brother black immediately, probably

because my brother was more headstrong and difficult than I was. He was never

interested in making sure that anyone liked him. I am definitely a

people-pleaser, although I'm working on that! I always thought that my

stepbrother and stepsister were both golden, but now I'm not so sure. Dad told

me that stepbrother will not allow them to visit him (sounds like a no contact

situation to me!), because (stepnada's story goes) stepbrother is a

fundamentalist christian and he won't spend time with anyone who isn't.

>

> I can see why my brother and I would be painted black, because she perceives

us as a threat to her relationship to Dad. Stepnada has (supposedly) a great

relationship with her biological daughter, a fact which they are always throwing

in my face. " See, you're just not trying hard enough. Your stepsister has a

great relationship with stepnada. " And sometimes I wonder about that, because it

really does look like they have a decent relationship. Of course, I hardly ever

see these people, so I guess I don't really know. But do any of you know golden

children who do have a " great " relationship with the nada? Or are they just

working really hard to stay within nada's bounds?

>

[Guest guest]

Up until I was in my mid-thirties, I was very close to my parents. Way too

close; in fact: unhealthily enmeshed. They were virtually my only social life;

I had strongly trauma-bonded with nada, and dad was always just sweet, dishrag

dad who was along for the ride. Rarely dating and just going to visit my

parents on weekends seemed " normal " to me. Then, when I was about 33 or so they

moved across country from me. I became very isolated then, had no social life

at all for a long time. Starting in my early 50's I began reaching out,

becoming more sociable, developing a few close friends, joining activity groups

and meeting others who share my interests. I'm more sociable now than I've been

in a long, long time.

So, appearances can be deceiving. What looks like a normal, close

mother-daughter relationship on the outside might just be enmeshment if one or

both parties have personality disorder.

-Annie

>

> For me, it's also the stepchildren that are black (my brother and me) and

stepnada's biological children that are golden. In fact, when my dad first got

together with her, stepnada painted my brother black immediately, probably

because my brother was more headstrong and difficult than I was. He was never

interested in making sure that anyone liked him. I am definitely a

people-pleaser, although I'm working on that! I always thought that my

stepbrother and stepsister were both golden, but now I'm not so sure. Dad told

me that stepbrother will not allow them to visit him (sounds like a no contact

situation to me!), because (stepnada's story goes) stepbrother is a

fundamentalist christian and he won't spend time with anyone who isn't.

>

> I can see why my brother and I would be painted black, because she perceives

us as a threat to her relationship to Dad. Stepnada has (supposedly) a great

relationship with her biological daughter, a fact which they are always throwing

in my face. " See, you're just not trying hard enough. Your stepsister has a

great relationship with stepnada. " And sometimes I wonder about that, because it

really does look like they have a decent relationship. Of course, I hardly ever

see these people, so I guess I don't really know. But do any of you know golden

children who do have a " great " relationship with the nada? Or are they just

working really hard to stay within nada's bounds?

>

[Guest guest]

Mia,

I never desired children. Never intended to have any, that was way too

scary--child + mom = hell. But then it just happened -- an unplanned pregnancy 5

years into a stable marriage. My first panicked thoughts were to abort, but my

DH was thrilled (traitor). Then when I found out it was a girl, more fear, more

panic. I felt I had no choice.

I think I would have embraced a hysterectomy to avoid motherhood. Becoming a mom

upended my life: goals, dreams & priorities. Not only that, but in my my

Catholic family, pregnancy was not encouraged, it was sex, therefore sin. The

bottom line was I DID NOT WANT TO GIVE MY FLESH AND BLOOD THE SAME HELL I was

raised in. I did not know what the problem was between my mom & me. I did not

see her treatment of me as abuse--I still thought " I " was the problem. " I " could

not get along with a mom, so how would I ever be a mom?

I got help when my daughter was about 1-1/2: my son was on the way and my mother

was threatening to cut my DHs testicles off. Then I went NC for 8 years, a time

of unprecedented personal growth, during which time I learned to parent myself

and my kids. I'm a good mother, I can say that now, and I love them to pieces

and wouldn't trade them for the world.

But given the choice, I think I would have opted out of the whole parenting

thing. Or at least have put it off until it was out of the question.

So, you are not crazy or selfish to feel the way you do. I think you are pretty

normal for a KO.

>

> Girlscout, first of all, I think your boss's behavior toward you is

> seriously inappropriate! That sends the creepy 'that's-no-good' shivers

> down my spine. Ugh.

>

> I was an only child, with exception of step siblings. However, nada didn't

> really have step kids until I was in 7th grade. Her 2nd husband had an

> older daughter who lived in England (where he was from).

>

> I was constantly bounced back & forth from " good " to " bad " for a long time.

> Then at some point I was just painted all " bad " .

>

> My dad & step mom tell me all the time I was a really good & low maintenance

> kid. I wasn't sneaking out, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs, having sex,

> etc. Hell no, I was too afraid of nada to do any of the rebellious things

> that most normal kids do. But I still wasn't good enough.

>

> As for the gender thing, I can't say for sure if she hated me for being

> female or not. I think I do have gender identity issues. I know I'm a

> woman, and I'm attracted to men, but I feel very much like I should have

> been a male. I also have severe issues with the way I look. I'm fat, but

> not really really big. I usually use the word " chubby " or " heavy " . I don't

> know. But, even with the fat issue aside, I HATE the way I look. I really

> think I'm hideous. I know nada & step dad used to pick on me for my weight,

> but I don't remember any specifics of being picked on for my looks. My ex

> husband used to think nada probably did pick on me for my looks because of

> how much I hate the way I look. I have no freaking clue. I do remember

> kids picking on me for being ugly or whatever, but not my nada so much.

>

> It's strange & probably bordering on psychotic... but I can't even begin to

> tell you how relieved I am to have had this hysterectomy. Not just because

> of the awful awful pain I was having, but now I can NOT reproduce (thank

> GOD) and now that horrible part of me that made me that much more womanly is

> gone. I feel like an utter nut saying it here.

>

> I've often wondered - am I the only KO who had no desire to reproduce? I

> know a lot of that came from my nada. But am I really the only one?

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Mia,

I never desired children. Never intended to have any, that was way too

scary--child + mom = hell. But then it just happened -- an unplanned pregnancy 5

years into a stable marriage. My first panicked thoughts were to abort, but my

DH was thrilled (traitor). Then when I found out it was a girl, more fear, more

panic. I felt I had no choice.

I think I would have embraced a hysterectomy to avoid motherhood. Becoming a mom

upended my life: goals, dreams & priorities. Not only that, but in my my

Catholic family, pregnancy was not encouraged, it was sex, therefore sin. The

bottom line was I DID NOT WANT TO GIVE MY FLESH AND BLOOD THE SAME HELL I was

raised in. I did not know what the problem was between my mom & me. I did not

see her treatment of me as abuse--I still thought " I " was the problem. " I " could

not get along with a mom, so how would I ever be a mom?

I got help when my daughter was about 1-1/2: my son was on the way and my mother

was threatening to cut my DHs testicles off. Then I went NC for 8 years, a time

of unprecedented personal growth, during which time I learned to parent myself

and my kids. I'm a good mother, I can say that now, and I love them to pieces

and wouldn't trade them for the world.

But given the choice, I think I would have opted out of the whole parenting

thing. Or at least have put it off until it was out of the question.

So, you are not crazy or selfish to feel the way you do. I think you are pretty

normal for a KO.

>

> Girlscout, first of all, I think your boss's behavior toward you is

> seriously inappropriate! That sends the creepy 'that's-no-good' shivers

> down my spine. Ugh.

>

> I was an only child, with exception of step siblings. However, nada didn't

> really have step kids until I was in 7th grade. Her 2nd husband had an

> older daughter who lived in England (where he was from).

>

> I was constantly bounced back & forth from " good " to " bad " for a long time.

> Then at some point I was just painted all " bad " .

>

> My dad & step mom tell me all the time I was a really good & low maintenance

> kid. I wasn't sneaking out, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs, having sex,

> etc. Hell no, I was too afraid of nada to do any of the rebellious things

> that most normal kids do. But I still wasn't good enough.

>

> As for the gender thing, I can't say for sure if she hated me for being

> female or not. I think I do have gender identity issues. I know I'm a

> woman, and I'm attracted to men, but I feel very much like I should have

> been a male. I also have severe issues with the way I look. I'm fat, but

> not really really big. I usually use the word " chubby " or " heavy " . I don't

> know. But, even with the fat issue aside, I HATE the way I look. I really

> think I'm hideous. I know nada & step dad used to pick on me for my weight,

> but I don't remember any specifics of being picked on for my looks. My ex

> husband used to think nada probably did pick on me for my looks because of

> how much I hate the way I look. I have no freaking clue. I do remember

> kids picking on me for being ugly or whatever, but not my nada so much.

>

> It's strange & probably bordering on psychotic... but I can't even begin to

> tell you how relieved I am to have had this hysterectomy. Not just because

> of the awful awful pain I was having, but now I can NOT reproduce (thank

> GOD) and now that horrible part of me that made me that much more womanly is

> gone. I feel like an utter nut saying it here.

>

> I've often wondered - am I the only KO who had no desire to reproduce? I

> know a lot of that came from my nada. But am I really the only one?

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You are not the only one who doesn't want to reproduce! I don't want to have any

kids. I don't even want to get married, even though I'm in a long term

relationship. I hate how people think of my parents as having a " successful "

marriage. They may be still married after 35 years, but it's 35 years of hell in

my opinion. I don't even want anything sharing the name of whatever it is my

parents have!!

And I would be horrified to have children. The older I get, the less I want

them. I would have to go off my meds, and I think that would be bad, for me and

any babies. I just can't stand the idea I might bring someone into this world to

suffer the way I have - I don't know how much is genetic and how much is

environment. If I had a girl, would she be depressed no matter how good a mother

I was? I just don't want the pressure. Plus, I don't seem to have that desire my

girl friends have to reproduce. I don't really like kids that much, I think they

are adorable and all, but I don't want to take care of them all the time, and

they are way too much work, especially little ones.

Since I've been having sex I've worked VERY HARD to make sure pregnancy doesn't

happen by accident. I know nothing is 100%, but I'm about as close to that as

possible and still having sex.

My nada HATES that I don't want kids. She likes to complain to me about my " lack

of maternal instinct " . I tell her I have maternal instinct, I use it on my

wonderful pets! The last reason I'd have kids is to give her grandchildren!!

Casey

>

> Girlscout, first of all, I think your boss's behavior toward you is

> seriously inappropriate! That sends the creepy 'that's-no-good' shivers

> down my spine. Ugh.

>

> I was an only child, with exception of step siblings. However, nada didn't

> really have step kids until I was in 7th grade. Her 2nd husband had an

> older daughter who lived in England (where he was from).

>

> I was constantly bounced back & forth from " good " to " bad " for a long time.

> Then at some point I was just painted all " bad " .

>

> My dad & step mom tell me all the time I was a really good & low maintenance

> kid. I wasn't sneaking out, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs, having sex,

> etc. Hell no, I was too afraid of nada to do any of the rebellious things

> that most normal kids do. But I still wasn't good enough.

>

> As for the gender thing, I can't say for sure if she hated me for being

> female or not. I think I do have gender identity issues. I know I'm a

> woman, and I'm attracted to men, but I feel very much like I should have

> been a male. I also have severe issues with the way I look. I'm fat, but

> not really really big. I usually use the word " chubby " or " heavy " . I don't

> know. But, even with the fat issue aside, I HATE the way I look. I really

> think I'm hideous. I know nada & step dad used to pick on me for my weight,

> but I don't remember any specifics of being picked on for my looks. My ex

> husband used to think nada probably did pick on me for my looks because of

> how much I hate the way I look. I have no freaking clue. I do remember

> kids picking on me for being ugly or whatever, but not my nada so much.

>

> It's strange & probably bordering on psychotic... but I can't even begin to

> tell you how relieved I am to have had this hysterectomy. Not just because

> of the awful awful pain I was having, but now I can NOT reproduce (thank

> GOD) and now that horrible part of me that made me that much more womanly is

> gone. I feel like an utter nut saying it here.

>

> I've often wondered - am I the only KO who had no desire to reproduce? I

> know a lot of that came from my nada. But am I really the only one?

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You are not the only one who doesn't want to reproduce! I don't want to have any

kids. I don't even want to get married, even though I'm in a long term

relationship. I hate how people think of my parents as having a " successful "

marriage. They may be still married after 35 years, but it's 35 years of hell in

my opinion. I don't even want anything sharing the name of whatever it is my

parents have!!

And I would be horrified to have children. The older I get, the less I want

them. I would have to go off my meds, and I think that would be bad, for me and

any babies. I just can't stand the idea I might bring someone into this world to

suffer the way I have - I don't know how much is genetic and how much is

environment. If I had a girl, would she be depressed no matter how good a mother

I was? I just don't want the pressure. Plus, I don't seem to have that desire my

girl friends have to reproduce. I don't really like kids that much, I think they

are adorable and all, but I don't want to take care of them all the time, and

they are way too much work, especially little ones.

Since I've been having sex I've worked VERY HARD to make sure pregnancy doesn't

happen by accident. I know nothing is 100%, but I'm about as close to that as

possible and still having sex.

My nada HATES that I don't want kids. She likes to complain to me about my " lack

of maternal instinct " . I tell her I have maternal instinct, I use it on my

wonderful pets! The last reason I'd have kids is to give her grandchildren!!

Casey

>

> Girlscout, first of all, I think your boss's behavior toward you is

> seriously inappropriate! That sends the creepy 'that's-no-good' shivers

> down my spine. Ugh.

>

> I was an only child, with exception of step siblings. However, nada didn't

> really have step kids until I was in 7th grade. Her 2nd husband had an

> older daughter who lived in England (where he was from).

>

> I was constantly bounced back & forth from " good " to " bad " for a long time.

> Then at some point I was just painted all " bad " .

>

> My dad & step mom tell me all the time I was a really good & low maintenance

> kid. I wasn't sneaking out, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs, having sex,

> etc. Hell no, I was too afraid of nada to do any of the rebellious things

> that most normal kids do. But I still wasn't good enough.

>

> As for the gender thing, I can't say for sure if she hated me for being

> female or not. I think I do have gender identity issues. I know I'm a

> woman, and I'm attracted to men, but I feel very much like I should have

> been a male. I also have severe issues with the way I look. I'm fat, but

> not really really big. I usually use the word " chubby " or " heavy " . I don't

> know. But, even with the fat issue aside, I HATE the way I look. I really

> think I'm hideous. I know nada & step dad used to pick on me for my weight,

> but I don't remember any specifics of being picked on for my looks. My ex

> husband used to think nada probably did pick on me for my looks because of

> how much I hate the way I look. I have no freaking clue. I do remember

> kids picking on me for being ugly or whatever, but not my nada so much.

>

> It's strange & probably bordering on psychotic... but I can't even begin to

> tell you how relieved I am to have had this hysterectomy. Not just because

> of the awful awful pain I was having, but now I can NOT reproduce (thank

> GOD) and now that horrible part of me that made me that much more womanly is

> gone. I feel like an utter nut saying it here.

>

> I've often wondered - am I the only KO who had no desire to reproduce? I

> know a lot of that came from my nada. But am I really the only one?

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You are not the only one who doesn't want to reproduce! I don't want to have any

kids. I don't even want to get married, even though I'm in a long term

relationship. I hate how people think of my parents as having a " successful "

marriage. They may be still married after 35 years, but it's 35 years of hell in

my opinion. I don't even want anything sharing the name of whatever it is my

parents have!!

And I would be horrified to have children. The older I get, the less I want

them. I would have to go off my meds, and I think that would be bad, for me and

any babies. I just can't stand the idea I might bring someone into this world to

suffer the way I have - I don't know how much is genetic and how much is

environment. If I had a girl, would she be depressed no matter how good a mother

I was? I just don't want the pressure. Plus, I don't seem to have that desire my

girl friends have to reproduce. I don't really like kids that much, I think they

are adorable and all, but I don't want to take care of them all the time, and

they are way too much work, especially little ones.

Since I've been having sex I've worked VERY HARD to make sure pregnancy doesn't

happen by accident. I know nothing is 100%, but I'm about as close to that as

possible and still having sex.

My nada HATES that I don't want kids. She likes to complain to me about my " lack

of maternal instinct " . I tell her I have maternal instinct, I use it on my

wonderful pets! The last reason I'd have kids is to give her grandchildren!!

Casey

>

> Girlscout, first of all, I think your boss's behavior toward you is

> seriously inappropriate! That sends the creepy 'that's-no-good' shivers

> down my spine. Ugh.

>

> I was an only child, with exception of step siblings. However, nada didn't

> really have step kids until I was in 7th grade. Her 2nd husband had an

> older daughter who lived in England (where he was from).

>

> I was constantly bounced back & forth from " good " to " bad " for a long time.

> Then at some point I was just painted all " bad " .

>

> My dad & step mom tell me all the time I was a really good & low maintenance

> kid. I wasn't sneaking out, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs, having sex,

> etc. Hell no, I was too afraid of nada to do any of the rebellious things

> that most normal kids do. But I still wasn't good enough.

>

> As for the gender thing, I can't say for sure if she hated me for being

> female or not. I think I do have gender identity issues. I know I'm a

> woman, and I'm attracted to men, but I feel very much like I should have

> been a male. I also have severe issues with the way I look. I'm fat, but

> not really really big. I usually use the word " chubby " or " heavy " . I don't

> know. But, even with the fat issue aside, I HATE the way I look. I really

> think I'm hideous. I know nada & step dad used to pick on me for my weight,

> but I don't remember any specifics of being picked on for my looks. My ex

> husband used to think nada probably did pick on me for my looks because of

> how much I hate the way I look. I have no freaking clue. I do remember

> kids picking on me for being ugly or whatever, but not my nada so much.

>

> It's strange & probably bordering on psychotic... but I can't even begin to

> tell you how relieved I am to have had this hysterectomy. Not just because

> of the awful awful pain I was having, but now I can NOT reproduce (thank

> GOD) and now that horrible part of me that made me that much more womanly is

> gone. I feel like an utter nut saying it here.

>

> I've often wondered - am I the only KO who had no desire to reproduce? I

> know a lot of that came from my nada. But am I really the only one?

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow great topic Mia.

I decided not to have children. I do not want to continue the negative

behavior patterns and pass on the horrible genetics that I was cursed with.

My family's dysfunction ends right here.

The main reason is that I don't want my children to suffer like I did. My

nada always expected me to be grateful to her for giving me life. I never

have been, not for even one second. She loved to say " I brought you into

this world and I can take you out if it again! " I was like " go ahead make my

day " ha ha ha. My parents had me for selfish reasons. I was planned, but I

wasn't wanted. I can't think of a single unselfish reason to bring a child

into the pain, discomfort, sorrow and dysfunction that has been my life.

I've spent the majority of my time on earth feeling suicidal and desparately

depressed. What business do I have bringing a child into that life?

But, i do love kids! So I do things so that I can spend time with them. I

volunteer at an after school program with 9 to 14 year old kids. I reach out

and work with my friends kids. I get involved. I teach them crochet, crafts,

cooking and how to take care of an animal. I love those kids.

I have a Mirena IUD and I highly recommmend it to anyone who wants a long

term birth control method without sterilization. I don't love having a

uterus. i had premenstral dysphoric disorder and nearly constant migraines

before the IUD. It has helped me a lot. They are painful to insert (like

screaming painful), but worth it because of the regular long term pain it

saves. They last 5 years and I'm getting ready to have a new one in May or

June. I'm already trying to figure out how to get them to anesthitize me for

the procedure. Ha ha.

As far as not having a uterus - I don't think your gender is in your

genitals. You are what you feel you are. Live how you want to live, dress

how you want to dress. Your gender and masculinity or femininity is in your

brain, not your balls or lack there of.

XOXO, Girlscout

On Fri, Jan 21, 2011 at 2:35 PM, slingshot2hell wrote:

>

>

> You are not the only one who doesn't want to reproduce! I don't want to

> have any kids. I don't even want to get married, even though I'm in a long

> term relationship. I hate how people think of my parents as having a

> " successful " marriage. They may be still married after 35 years, but it's 35

> years of hell in my opinion. I don't even want anything sharing the name of

> whatever it is my parents have!!

>

> And I would be horrified to have children. The older I get, the less I want

> them. I would have to go off my meds, and I think that would be bad, for me

> and any babies. I just can't stand the idea I might bring someone into this

> world to suffer the way I have - I don't know how much is genetic and how

> much is environment. If I had a girl, would she be depressed no matter how

> good a mother I was? I just don't want the pressure. Plus, I don't seem to

> have that desire my girl friends have to reproduce. I don't really like kids

> that much, I think they are adorable and all, but I don't want to take care

> of them all the time, and they are way too much work, especially little

> ones.

>

> Since I've been having sex I've worked VERY HARD to make sure pregnancy

> doesn't happen by accident. I know nothing is 100%, but I'm about as close

> to that as possible and still having sex.

>

> My nada HATES that I don't want kids. She likes to complain to me about my

> " lack of maternal instinct " . I tell her I have maternal instinct, I use it

> on my wonderful pets! The last reason I'd have kids is to give her

> grandchildren!!

>

> Casey

>

>

>

> >

> > Girlscout, first of all, I think your boss's behavior toward you is

> > seriously inappropriate! That sends the creepy 'that's-no-good' shivers

> > down my spine. Ugh.

> >

> > I was an only child, with exception of step siblings. However, nada

> didn't

> > really have step kids until I was in 7th grade. Her 2nd husband had an

> > older daughter who lived in England (where he was from).

> >

> > I was constantly bounced back & forth from " good " to " bad " for a long

> time.

> > Then at some point I was just painted all " bad " .

> >

> > My dad & step mom tell me all the time I was a really good & low

> maintenance

> > kid. I wasn't sneaking out, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs, having sex,

> > etc. Hell no, I was too afraid of nada to do any of the rebellious things

> > that most normal kids do. But I still wasn't good enough.

> >

> > As for the gender thing, I can't say for sure if she hated me for being

> > female or not. I think I do have gender identity issues. I know I'm a

> > woman, and I'm attracted to men, but I feel very much like I should have

> > been a male. I also have severe issues with the way I look. I'm fat, but

> > not really really big. I usually use the word " chubby " or " heavy " . I

> don't

> > know. But, even with the fat issue aside, I HATE the way I look. I really

> > think I'm hideous. I know nada & step dad used to pick on me for my

> weight,

> > but I don't remember any specifics of being picked on for my looks. My ex

> > husband used to think nada probably did pick on me for my looks because

> of

> > how much I hate the way I look. I have no freaking clue. I do remember

> > kids picking on me for being ugly or whatever, but not my nada so much.

> >

> > It's strange & probably bordering on psychotic... but I can't even begin

> to

> > tell you how relieved I am to have had this hysterectomy. Not just

> because

> > of the awful awful pain I was having, but now I can NOT reproduce (thank

> > GOD) and now that horrible part of me that made me that much more womanly

> is

> > gone. I feel like an utter nut saying it here.

> >

> > I've often wondered - am I the only KO who had no desire to reproduce? I

> > know a lot of that came from my nada. But am I really the only one?

> >

> > Mia

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Wow great topic Mia.

I decided not to have children. I do not want to continue the negative

behavior patterns and pass on the horrible genetics that I was cursed with.

My family's dysfunction ends right here.

The main reason is that I don't want my children to suffer like I did. My

nada always expected me to be grateful to her for giving me life. I never

have been, not for even one second. She loved to say " I brought you into

this world and I can take you out if it again! " I was like " go ahead make my

day " ha ha ha. My parents had me for selfish reasons. I was planned, but I

wasn't wanted. I can't think of a single unselfish reason to bring a child

into the pain, discomfort, sorrow and dysfunction that has been my life.

I've spent the majority of my time on earth feeling suicidal and desparately

depressed. What business do I have bringing a child into that life?

But, i do love kids! So I do things so that I can spend time with them. I

volunteer at an after school program with 9 to 14 year old kids. I reach out

and work with my friends kids. I get involved. I teach them crochet, crafts,

cooking and how to take care of an animal. I love those kids.

I have a Mirena IUD and I highly recommmend it to anyone who wants a long

term birth control method without sterilization. I don't love having a

uterus. i had premenstral dysphoric disorder and nearly constant migraines

before the IUD. It has helped me a lot. They are painful to insert (like

screaming painful), but worth it because of the regular long term pain it

saves. They last 5 years and I'm getting ready to have a new one in May or

June. I'm already trying to figure out how to get them to anesthitize me for

the procedure. Ha ha.

As far as not having a uterus - I don't think your gender is in your

genitals. You are what you feel you are. Live how you want to live, dress

how you want to dress. Your gender and masculinity or femininity is in your

brain, not your balls or lack there of.

XOXO, Girlscout

On Fri, Jan 21, 2011 at 2:35 PM, slingshot2hell wrote:

>

>

> You are not the only one who doesn't want to reproduce! I don't want to

> have any kids. I don't even want to get married, even though I'm in a long

> term relationship. I hate how people think of my parents as having a

> " successful " marriage. They may be still married after 35 years, but it's 35

> years of hell in my opinion. I don't even want anything sharing the name of

> whatever it is my parents have!!

>

> And I would be horrified to have children. The older I get, the less I want

> them. I would have to go off my meds, and I think that would be bad, for me

> and any babies. I just can't stand the idea I might bring someone into this

> world to suffer the way I have - I don't know how much is genetic and how

> much is environment. If I had a girl, would she be depressed no matter how

> good a mother I was? I just don't want the pressure. Plus, I don't seem to

> have that desire my girl friends have to reproduce. I don't really like kids

> that much, I think they are adorable and all, but I don't want to take care

> of them all the time, and they are way too much work, especially little

> ones.

>

> Since I've been having sex I've worked VERY HARD to make sure pregnancy

> doesn't happen by accident. I know nothing is 100%, but I'm about as close

> to that as possible and still having sex.

>

> My nada HATES that I don't want kids. She likes to complain to me about my

> " lack of maternal instinct " . I tell her I have maternal instinct, I use it

> on my wonderful pets! The last reason I'd have kids is to give her

> grandchildren!!

>

> Casey

>

>

>

> >

> > Girlscout, first of all, I think your boss's behavior toward you is

> > seriously inappropriate! That sends the creepy 'that's-no-good' shivers

> > down my spine. Ugh.

> >

> > I was an only child, with exception of step siblings. However, nada

> didn't

> > really have step kids until I was in 7th grade. Her 2nd husband had an

> > older daughter who lived in England (where he was from).

> >

> > I was constantly bounced back & forth from " good " to " bad " for a long

> time.

> > Then at some point I was just painted all " bad " .

> >

> > My dad & step mom tell me all the time I was a really good & low

> maintenance

> > kid. I wasn't sneaking out, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs, having sex,

> > etc. Hell no, I was too afraid of nada to do any of the rebellious things

> > that most normal kids do. But I still wasn't good enough.

> >

> > As for the gender thing, I can't say for sure if she hated me for being

> > female or not. I think I do have gender identity issues. I know I'm a

> > woman, and I'm attracted to men, but I feel very much like I should have

> > been a male. I also have severe issues with the way I look. I'm fat, but

> > not really really big. I usually use the word " chubby " or " heavy " . I

> don't

> > know. But, even with the fat issue aside, I HATE the way I look. I really

> > think I'm hideous. I know nada & step dad used to pick on me for my

> weight,

> > but I don't remember any specifics of being picked on for my looks. My ex

> > husband used to think nada probably did pick on me for my looks because

> of

> > how much I hate the way I look. I have no freaking clue. I do remember

> > kids picking on me for being ugly or whatever, but not my nada so much.

> >

> > It's strange & probably bordering on psychotic... but I can't even begin

> to

> > tell you how relieved I am to have had this hysterectomy. Not just

> because

> > of the awful awful pain I was having, but now I can NOT reproduce (thank

> > GOD) and now that horrible part of me that made me that much more womanly

> is

> > gone. I feel like an utter nut saying it here.

> >

> > I've often wondered - am I the only KO who had no desire to reproduce? I

> > know a lot of that came from my nada. But am I really the only one?

> >

> > Mia

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Wow great topic Mia.

I decided not to have children. I do not want to continue the negative

behavior patterns and pass on the horrible genetics that I was cursed with.

My family's dysfunction ends right here.

The main reason is that I don't want my children to suffer like I did. My

nada always expected me to be grateful to her for giving me life. I never

have been, not for even one second. She loved to say " I brought you into

this world and I can take you out if it again! " I was like " go ahead make my

day " ha ha ha. My parents had me for selfish reasons. I was planned, but I

wasn't wanted. I can't think of a single unselfish reason to bring a child

into the pain, discomfort, sorrow and dysfunction that has been my life.

I've spent the majority of my time on earth feeling suicidal and desparately

depressed. What business do I have bringing a child into that life?

But, i do love kids! So I do things so that I can spend time with them. I

volunteer at an after school program with 9 to 14 year old kids. I reach out

and work with my friends kids. I get involved. I teach them crochet, crafts,

cooking and how to take care of an animal. I love those kids.

I have a Mirena IUD and I highly recommmend it to anyone who wants a long

term birth control method without sterilization. I don't love having a

uterus. i had premenstral dysphoric disorder and nearly constant migraines

before the IUD. It has helped me a lot. They are painful to insert (like

screaming painful), but worth it because of the regular long term pain it

saves. They last 5 years and I'm getting ready to have a new one in May or

June. I'm already trying to figure out how to get them to anesthitize me for

the procedure. Ha ha.

As far as not having a uterus - I don't think your gender is in your

genitals. You are what you feel you are. Live how you want to live, dress

how you want to dress. Your gender and masculinity or femininity is in your

brain, not your balls or lack there of.

XOXO, Girlscout

On Fri, Jan 21, 2011 at 2:35 PM, slingshot2hell wrote:

>

>

> You are not the only one who doesn't want to reproduce! I don't want to

> have any kids. I don't even want to get married, even though I'm in a long

> term relationship. I hate how people think of my parents as having a

> " successful " marriage. They may be still married after 35 years, but it's 35

> years of hell in my opinion. I don't even want anything sharing the name of

> whatever it is my parents have!!

>

> And I would be horrified to have children. The older I get, the less I want

> them. I would have to go off my meds, and I think that would be bad, for me

> and any babies. I just can't stand the idea I might bring someone into this

> world to suffer the way I have - I don't know how much is genetic and how

> much is environment. If I had a girl, would she be depressed no matter how

> good a mother I was? I just don't want the pressure. Plus, I don't seem to

> have that desire my girl friends have to reproduce. I don't really like kids

> that much, I think they are adorable and all, but I don't want to take care

> of them all the time, and they are way too much work, especially little

> ones.

>

> Since I've been having sex I've worked VERY HARD to make sure pregnancy

> doesn't happen by accident. I know nothing is 100%, but I'm about as close

> to that as possible and still having sex.

>

> My nada HATES that I don't want kids. She likes to complain to me about my

> " lack of maternal instinct " . I tell her I have maternal instinct, I use it

> on my wonderful pets! The last reason I'd have kids is to give her

> grandchildren!!

>

> Casey

>

>

>

> >

> > Girlscout, first of all, I think your boss's behavior toward you is

> > seriously inappropriate! That sends the creepy 'that's-no-good' shivers

> > down my spine. Ugh.

> >

> > I was an only child, with exception of step siblings. However, nada

> didn't

> > really have step kids until I was in 7th grade. Her 2nd husband had an

> > older daughter who lived in England (where he was from).

> >

> > I was constantly bounced back & forth from " good " to " bad " for a long

> time.

> > Then at some point I was just painted all " bad " .

> >

> > My dad & step mom tell me all the time I was a really good & low

> maintenance

> > kid. I wasn't sneaking out, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs, having sex,

> > etc. Hell no, I was too afraid of nada to do any of the rebellious things

> > that most normal kids do. But I still wasn't good enough.

> >

> > As for the gender thing, I can't say for sure if she hated me for being

> > female or not. I think I do have gender identity issues. I know I'm a

> > woman, and I'm attracted to men, but I feel very much like I should have

> > been a male. I also have severe issues with the way I look. I'm fat, but

> > not really really big. I usually use the word " chubby " or " heavy " . I

> don't

> > know. But, even with the fat issue aside, I HATE the way I look. I really

> > think I'm hideous. I know nada & step dad used to pick on me for my

> weight,

> > but I don't remember any specifics of being picked on for my looks. My ex

> > husband used to think nada probably did pick on me for my looks because

> of

> > how much I hate the way I look. I have no freaking clue. I do remember

> > kids picking on me for being ugly or whatever, but not my nada so much.

> >

> > It's strange & probably bordering on psychotic... but I can't even begin

> to

> > tell you how relieved I am to have had this hysterectomy. Not just

> because

> > of the awful awful pain I was having, but now I can NOT reproduce (thank

> > GOD) and now that horrible part of me that made me that much more womanly

> is

> > gone. I feel like an utter nut saying it here.

> >

> > I've often wondered - am I the only KO who had no desire to reproduce? I

> > know a lot of that came from my nada. But am I really the only one?

> >

> > Mia

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

" " I brought you into

this world and I can take you out if it again! " "

Oh god, you too huh? Yeah, I heard that one a couple few (hundred?

thousand?) times. I couldn't laugh at it though, I BELIEVED her. I

believed she would kill me.

I also don't think I was wanted. My dad has kind of confirmed this. He

said he doesn't know why she ever wanted kids, he's also stated he's glad he

has me, but he does think she never wanted. I think,much like Annie said,

it has to do with what she felt was expected of her... You get married, have

babies.

I did the married thing. I knew I didn't really want to do the baby thing.

Ex husband asked me to reconsider, and I did think about it for a long time

but came back to the conclusion that I didn't want them. I also find it kind

of ironic that he wanted me to reconsider... this from the man who wouldn't

hardly touch me with a 10 foot pole. Um, gee there, fella... you do realize

what a man & a woman have to do to make them thar babies, right? lol.

Now I have done the divorced thing and I'm re-engaged. I love my fiance

dearly but I am in absolutely no rush to actually get married. Nope. He

has 2 great kids and a most likely BPD ex wife and quite honestly until he's

ready to do something about the neglect that she does to those kids, nope.

I have had half a mind to call CPS myself... but then what? It's so

complicated because of their native american heritage, he'd likely lose them

all together if they found her unfit. But at this point, those kids deserve

better. He needs to get a lawyer who's well versed in tribal law (and

therefore expensive) and fight fight fight for those kids.

I'm also not all about having a big wedding. I'm happy when the time is

right to just go to the courthouse and make it official. Plus, if we do it

that way, his likely BPD ex can't find out about it & ruin it... God knows

she probably would try.

I've always been open to the idea of adopting someday. But never for having

my own. Like you, I feel the cycle of abuse stops RIGHT here. There's too

much mental illness in my family on both sides, no way was I ever going to

do that to my kids. There's enough unwanted kids in this world, if I can

ever manage to get myself in order then someday maybe I'll have the money to

do that.

Anyway, I'm just rambling. Sorry.

Mia

[Guest guest]

" " I brought you into

this world and I can take you out if it again! " "

Oh god, you too huh? Yeah, I heard that one a couple few (hundred?

thousand?) times. I couldn't laugh at it though, I BELIEVED her. I

believed she would kill me.

I also don't think I was wanted. My dad has kind of confirmed this. He

said he doesn't know why she ever wanted kids, he's also stated he's glad he

has me, but he does think she never wanted. I think,much like Annie said,

it has to do with what she felt was expected of her... You get married, have

babies.

I did the married thing. I knew I didn't really want to do the baby thing.

Ex husband asked me to reconsider, and I did think about it for a long time

but came back to the conclusion that I didn't want them. I also find it kind

of ironic that he wanted me to reconsider... this from the man who wouldn't

hardly touch me with a 10 foot pole. Um, gee there, fella... you do realize

what a man & a woman have to do to make them thar babies, right? lol.

Now I have done the divorced thing and I'm re-engaged. I love my fiance

dearly but I am in absolutely no rush to actually get married. Nope. He

has 2 great kids and a most likely BPD ex wife and quite honestly until he's

ready to do something about the neglect that she does to those kids, nope.

I have had half a mind to call CPS myself... but then what? It's so

complicated because of their native american heritage, he'd likely lose them

all together if they found her unfit. But at this point, those kids deserve

better. He needs to get a lawyer who's well versed in tribal law (and

therefore expensive) and fight fight fight for those kids.

I'm also not all about having a big wedding. I'm happy when the time is

right to just go to the courthouse and make it official. Plus, if we do it

that way, his likely BPD ex can't find out about it & ruin it... God knows

she probably would try.

I've always been open to the idea of adopting someday. But never for having

my own. Like you, I feel the cycle of abuse stops RIGHT here. There's too

much mental illness in my family on both sides, no way was I ever going to

do that to my kids. There's enough unwanted kids in this world, if I can

ever manage to get myself in order then someday maybe I'll have the money to

do that.

Anyway, I'm just rambling. Sorry.

Mia

[Guest guest]

" " I brought you into

this world and I can take you out if it again! " "

Oh god, you too huh? Yeah, I heard that one a couple few (hundred?

thousand?) times. I couldn't laugh at it though, I BELIEVED her. I

believed she would kill me.

I also don't think I was wanted. My dad has kind of confirmed this. He

said he doesn't know why she ever wanted kids, he's also stated he's glad he

has me, but he does think she never wanted. I think,much like Annie said,

it has to do with what she felt was expected of her... You get married, have

babies.

I did the married thing. I knew I didn't really want to do the baby thing.

Ex husband asked me to reconsider, and I did think about it for a long time

but came back to the conclusion that I didn't want them. I also find it kind

of ironic that he wanted me to reconsider... this from the man who wouldn't

hardly touch me with a 10 foot pole. Um, gee there, fella... you do realize

what a man & a woman have to do to make them thar babies, right? lol.

Now I have done the divorced thing and I'm re-engaged. I love my fiance

dearly but I am in absolutely no rush to actually get married. Nope. He

has 2 great kids and a most likely BPD ex wife and quite honestly until he's

ready to do something about the neglect that she does to those kids, nope.

I have had half a mind to call CPS myself... but then what? It's so

complicated because of their native american heritage, he'd likely lose them

all together if they found her unfit. But at this point, those kids deserve

better. He needs to get a lawyer who's well versed in tribal law (and

therefore expensive) and fight fight fight for those kids.

I'm also not all about having a big wedding. I'm happy when the time is

right to just go to the courthouse and make it official. Plus, if we do it

that way, his likely BPD ex can't find out about it & ruin it... God knows

she probably would try.

I've always been open to the idea of adopting someday. But never for having

my own. Like you, I feel the cycle of abuse stops RIGHT here. There's too

much mental illness in my family on both sides, no way was I ever going to

do that to my kids. There's enough unwanted kids in this world, if I can

ever manage to get myself in order then someday maybe I'll have the money to

do that.

Anyway, I'm just rambling. Sorry.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Mia wrote:

I've often wondered - am I the only KO who had no desire to reproduce? I

> > know a lot of that came from my nada. But am I really the only one?

> >

Mia, I'm sure there are a lot of KO's who do not wish to reproduce. I was not

one of them, but I repeatedly find myself asking my sons if they were abused as

children. They say no. I had a good husband and when he caught me repeating

patterns of abuse that I experienced he put a stop to it. What strikes me as

uncanny is how many times I've come across a post on this site from other KO's

who intimate that their BP parents shouldn't have had children. I thought I was

the only one who wished I hadn't been born, but I come across this on our site a

lot. One time I made the comment to my mother-in-law that Fada should never have

had children and (she never raised her voice, but she did this times) she yelled

at me and said don't ever say that, what would we have done without you and your

three boys. I am crying now as I think of it. So if many of us feel our parents

shouldn't have procreated I'm sure there is nothing wrong with being afraid to

procreate yourself.

Remember we are all working towards healing. If you don't feel that you have

healed enough it is understandable and commendable that you do not want

children. I work with a woman who was abused as a child and she never wanted

children for fear that she would abuse them, but she is a wonderful teacher and

has helped hundreds of kids.

When my sons were in school I practically adopted one of their friends who I now

know is a fellow KO, and quite frankly now that he is an adult is my friend not

my son's. There are a thousand opportunities to reach out to children without

having one of your own and you may find that even small kindnesses can make a

difference.

Just don't beat yourself up!

Love, love, love and remember we are all healing here!

Kay